Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Can I move our children away?

327 replies

CrazyCatLady00 · 09/05/2022 17:06

My kids dad keeps threatening court action as I’m moving our DC 2.5hrs away. He says he can stop me?

im moving to be near family so I will have that support and be able to give our DC a better life. I’ve always said that I’d never stop him seeing them but he is saying that I will break his bond with the DC, even though I’ve said he can have them all school holidays.

He works over 24/7 so weekends are not always an option.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 09/05/2022 20:05

CrazyCatLady00 · 09/05/2022 20:02

@Madwomanuptheroad29 he is amicable one minute and helping with schools, then the next he’s threatening to take me to court to stop me moving.

@Littlefish yes I said that in my opening comment because that’s what we had agreed to. They may go for 8 weeks without seeing their dad but then they would have the school holidays with him which he manages to book off. So actually he would get more quality time with them then he currently does.

Surely he is amicable and helping with schools because he is nearby able to and is threatening court because he won't be able to do this if you take them away? These things are not mutually exclusive.

Original poster
CrazyCatLady00 · 09/05/2022 20:06

Thank you @ChocolateHippo somebody who finally understands where I’m coming from.

OP posts:
Grumpybutfunny · 09/05/2022 20:06

Why not get him to pay for a au pair so you can stay where you are. I don't think you should be breaking the bond to make life easier. We both have demanding jobs if someone off sick chances are they also have to manage DS the other parent doesn't take it off out of sympathy. How old are the kids could they get a fast train or if he's a pilot fly to meet him for a weekend a month on top of school holidays?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Sososobored · 09/05/2022 20:09

How long have you been separated? Parenting gets easier as they get older.

I can't imagine not seeing my children for weeks. Do DC have a good relationship with him? Its a huge loss for them to lose regular contact with a parent.

They won't want huge long stretches away from you in the holidays either. That also sounds tough.

I have no family but once DC are at school you often build up a bit of support that way. Is there anything you can do to make life easier?

HSKAT · 09/05/2022 20:10

Sorry but if I was the child in this situation I would be heartbroken to move away

AlternativePerspective · 09/05/2022 20:10

Moving your children away from their father is supremely selfish. And happy mum equals happy kids is a load of bollocks which people use to justify their shitty actions. But as long as you’re happy eh?

Reality is that you were happy to live away from your family while you were together, and if he works away you presumably haven’t always had his support anyway. So nothing’s changed really has it?

The courts absolutely could prevent you from taking them away. Does he have a partner? Because if he does he absolutely could be granted primary residency.

I know someone who wanted to move to be with her partner and her ex took her to court. He was granted primary residency, she moved anyway and now sees her children twice a year.

User56785 · 09/05/2022 20:11

This could backfire spectacularly when they are teenagers and boomerang back to him because you ask them to put their washing in the basket. 🪃

Original poster
CrazyCatLady00 · 09/05/2022 20:11

@Grumpybutfunny he would never in his wildest dreams do that 😂. He doesn’t pay a penny more then what I’m entitled to. As apparently I’m lucky to get the amount of maintenance that I do, even though it reflects his salary. He won’t even take the DC for a haircut as he would have to pay for it …his words.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 09/05/2022 20:12

Is moving away from their own father who they see once or twice a week a 'better life'?

How old are they?

drpet49 · 09/05/2022 20:12

I actually think it's pretty shit of you to move your children so far away from a parent who wants to be involved with them, who currently sees them multiple times a week. They deserve a good relationship with their father and whatever you say, if they only get to see him every 6 weeks or less, the relationship will suffer. I'm assuming you're not prepared to drive them back to see him every week?

How will you explain this to your kids when they're adults and ask why you chose to stop them seeing their dad? It was more important to me to be close to my family than for you to be close to your father?

^I agree with all of this.

MolliciousIntent · 09/05/2022 20:14

ChocolateHippo · 09/05/2022 20:05

It's not in their best interests for their main carer to have a breakdown due to lack of support either.

Show quote history

Thousands and thousands of parents manage with no support every single day. It's hard, but not impossible. If it's getting to the point where she's having a breakdown, maybe OP should have her ex take the kids permanently so that she can get her shit together. I'm sure if push came to shove he'd make the necessary changes to be there for his kids.

MolliciousIntent · 09/05/2022 20:15

HSKAT · 09/05/2022 20:10

Sorry but if I was the child in this situation I would be heartbroken to move away

Unfortunately she doesn't care about that.

ChocolateHippo · 09/05/2022 20:16

CrazyCatLady00 · 09/05/2022 20:06

Thank you @ChocolateHippo somebody who finally understands where I’m coming from.

I sympathise. If he's so dedicated to his children, why is he doing a job that takes him away from them for large chunks of time and relying on you to pick up the pieces and frequently go without a break? What if you wanted to do a similar job? Well, you couldn't, because unlike him you don't have an unpaid nanny available 24/7 on standby.

He's 'made his life easier' by putting his job before his children and only seeing them a couple of times a week. The reality is that he's unlikely to challenge a move because the only way he could stop it would be to be willing to have the kids full-time.

The truth is that you are default and no one cares if you break. You're just expected to manage and keep everyone else happy and, because you're a mother and therefore expected to be a martyr, you're not allowed to have needs of your own.

candlesandpitchforks · 09/05/2022 20:17

Ahhh usually I'm on the mums side but frankly this is really a bad move.

I think you have posted this with no intention of being hats best for the kids. You wanna move for yourself, and dressing it up for the kids.

Your right to be fearful about losing the kids and the courts stopping you. That's exactly what they will do, if you move they can abs will force you to move back or you lose custody. He doesn't have to give up his job to get residency he just has to prove he can provide childcare for when he's away.

My friend lost her kids to her ex and he was a pilot too.

I would tread with caution.

Sososobored · 09/05/2022 20:18

Everyone suggesting moving is a crappy thing to do need to also address that op is struggling as a single parent. He ex's job is hardly compatible with family life. Unless he is saying,"look I get this is hard for you, what changes can we make" etc then OP is in a very tough situation.

FairyCakeWings · 09/05/2022 20:18

I can completely understand why you’d want to be nearer your family for more support, but I’d consider carefully if it’s really for the children's benefit or for yours. You would be responsible for doing the travelling, and travelling just to see your Dad isn’t fun for children.

Spending holidays with a parent isn’t the same as them regularly being around in your life, and you need to acknowledge what you’d be denying them.

ChocolateHippo · 09/05/2022 20:18

CrazyCatLady00 · 09/05/2022 20:11

@Grumpybutfunny he would never in his wildest dreams do that 😂. He doesn’t pay a penny more then what I’m entitled to. As apparently I’m lucky to get the amount of maintenance that I do, even though it reflects his salary. He won’t even take the DC for a haircut as he would have to pay for it …his words.

Offer to leave them with him full-time and move by yourself and see how fast he backtracks...

What a gem of a father!

CrazyCatLady00 · 09/05/2022 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ChocolateHippo · 09/05/2022 20:22

candlesandpitchforks · 09/05/2022 20:17

Ahhh usually I'm on the mums side but frankly this is really a bad move.

I think you have posted this with no intention of being hats best for the kids. You wanna move for yourself, and dressing it up for the kids.

Your right to be fearful about losing the kids and the courts stopping you. That's exactly what they will do, if you move they can abs will force you to move back or you lose custody. He doesn't have to give up his job to get residency he just has to prove he can provide childcare for when he's away.

My friend lost her kids to her ex and he was a pilot too.

I would tread with caution.

But full-time childcare 24/7 for when he is away is going to be extortionate. He will be paying many times what he gives the OP in maintenance unless he has family on hand to do it for him.

HSKAT · 09/05/2022 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Not everyone is saying they don't agree that you need support.
But you have to remember it's not just about you.
The children also play a massive factor in this.

MolliciousIntent · 09/05/2022 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You can sling insults at me all you like, but I'm your kids in 20 years and I can tell you that they won't thank you for this. Do you really, genuinely believe it is better for your children to not have a relationship with their dad so you can have an easier life? Really?

ChocolateHippo · 09/05/2022 20:26

Yes, OP 'it's not just about you', because as a mother you need to struggle on and put your own needs last.

Tell that tight git to shell out for extra help with the boys if he doesn't want you to move. Why does he get to waltz off for work and leave you in the lurch?

Sleepeatrepeat · 09/05/2022 20:26

Ignoring the massive dripfeed...

As a single mum I absolutely get the need to feel like you have a support network. I live near my parents but when dd was tiny they both till worked so we're not available to help if she was ill. What is your plan for when your family aren't prepared to make themselves available for you when your kids are sick?

I do get it. I promise. However...moving your kids 2.5 hours away from their dad is unfair on them and selfish of you.

He is still their dad. They deserve the ability to have a real relationship with him.

I was given the opportunity to move away when dd's dad and I split. I was offered a great job that would have afforded me a better quality of life. However, I turned it down because However much of a dick to me he is, he is still her dad. She is my priority and he is an important part of her life. So like it or not I have to adjust my life to facilitate contact.

Do not be that ex who deliberately annihilates the kids relationship with their other parent.

To answer your question, yes he can go to court and apply for a prohibitive steps order which won't stop you moving but it will prevent you being able to take the kids with you.

Without a better argument for why you need to move he will likely win.

HSKAT · 09/05/2022 20:28

ChocolateHippo · 09/05/2022 20:26

Yes, OP 'it's not just about you', because as a mother you need to struggle on and put your own needs last.

Tell that tight git to shell out for extra help with the boys if he doesn't want you to move. Why does he get to waltz off for work and leave you in the lurch?

I didn't even say her needs come last.
But the children's don't come last either? Which seems to be happening.

They are equal.

People waltz off to work to earn money.

SecretVictoria · 09/05/2022 20:29

@CrazyCatLady00 plenty of people don’t have support.

No need to have a go at @MolliciousIntent - she’s lived it and is telling you her direct experience of being the child in this situation.