Can I move our children away?

[CrazyCatLady00]

My kids dad keeps threatening court action as I’m moving our DC 2.5hrs away. He says he can stop me?

im moving to be near family so I will have that support and be able to give our DC a better life. I’ve always said that I’d never stop him seeing them but he is saying that I will break his bond with the DC, even though I’ve said he can have them all school holidays.

He works over 24/7 so weekends are not always an option.

@Sososobored we have been separated for 3yrs. I could have moved away then, but I decided to stay so the DC were near their dad, even though I was miserable. However lockdown taught me just how lonely I was. I can’t even get a job because I have no childcare and to pay for it would be more then what I would earn. I can’t get a hobby or go out with friends cause again, no childcare.

but as many have stated, stuff my life, as long as dad has a relationship with his children then goes off to work.

... only a small proportion of which makes its way to the OP and children in this case if he's only paying minimum maintenance.

When does the OP get to work away for days on end to feather her nest?

Considering he's twisting about how much maintenance you get I'm assuming he's a captain on around 100k with two kids you will be getting around 1k a month off him. Hire an au pair out of it for around £350 a month.

If you do move the court will likely force you to meet at least half the cost of travelling to maintain contact so possibly twice a month for a 5 hour round trip isn't going to be much less than that.

How old are the kids? Parenting gets easier, does he have any family close by who can help in an emergency when he is away. Alternatively if you are both away from family can he apply for a base move closer to either set of grandparents so you can move for the help.

Considering they only fly a 1000 hours a year they actually get more time off than the average doctor or accountant

only a small proportion of which makes its way to the OP and children in this case if he's only paying minimum maintenance.
When does the OP get to work away for days on end to feather her nest?

Minimum on a pilot wage will be a lot more than most people get.

She's said she's the carer for her son so presuming she can't work?

It is not about him, or you! It's about them! Your children! In all your posts you've talked about you, your life, your support, your finances - you haven't mentioned how they feel At All. You don't seem to even be thinking about them.

I think you have to try & think of it from your childrens POV as well - they will have got used to seeing him 1-2 times a week & to go from that will be really hard for them & they might resent that. I know being near your family will bring support but is there anyway to get more support where you are? Or ask Dad to up it to 2-3 times per week?

@ChocolateHippo, That's not correct.

A parent can apply to court for a prohibited steps order. It's a straightforward application - download of a court website. A judge will hear the case and usually will prevent either party from taking action - such as giving notice to school or applying for a school place - until cafcass have had a chance to review the circumstances. Cafcass will then get involved to assess impact and make a recommendation.

Travel of 2 5 hours will impact the children's ability to have regular contact with their Dad so it's not a given you will be allowed to move.

Do not move if the dad doesn't agree as courts take a dim view of one parent acting unilaterally. You are both equal in the eyes of the law.

How old are the children? If one child is established in your current area and has additional needs that are being met, a court may favour the status quo.

Maybe she could, with more support. Maybe that's something she would like to explore. The OP might be feeling that her identity revolves solely around her children and caregiving for them at the moment, and she'd like something, or at least some time, for herself.

Unfortunately she doesn't get to materially disadvantage her children in order to "have some time for herself".

"*but I decided to stay so the DC were near their dad, even though I was miserable. However lockdown taught me just how lonely I was. I can’t even get a job because I have no childcare and to pay for it would be more then what I would earn. I can’t get a hobby or go out with friends cause again, no childcare.

but as many have stated, stuff my life, as long as dad has a relationship with his children then goes off to work*."

The problem is Op your getting a hard time on here because of the above statement.
Lots of thought as to how this benefits you, you and you but no comment the kids and downright refusal to acknowledge this is about what you want not what's best for the kids.

On a pilot's salary you will be getting almost 100x more than what most mums on here get from their ex's. You could get childcare on that money but choosing not to.

I suspect tbh you have a mentality of im hard done by so I can do x when you know deep down your wrong.

I have been single mum, no help and just got on with it, it's hard but heck so is like, never once would I put my DD relationship with her father at risk by doing a move that would only benefit me. And my ex is a ass hat.

Justify it how you want, but this isn't about always putting yourself last, it's about putting your children first which every good parent should do.

But "mother knows best right" (and yes I just quoted a Disney film 🙄

Poor kids

@MolliciousIntent why are you constantly having a dig at me? I get that you resent your mother for doing the same thing. But let me ask you something, how much support do you have? Bet you have a partner at home. Please don’t judge me. My kids are my world and this hasn’t been an easy decision, why do you think I didn’t move back 3yrs ago if I’m that selfish then?

@Grumpybutfunny yes he’s a captain and you are correct with his salary and of which he pays me £750 and not a penny more. Yes that seems a lot to some, but not much when he earns that nice salary. He always dangles the maintenance card over me, so I told him to shove it and he said he would happily stop paying it.

My parents split up when I was little but continued to live close to one another until after I’d left home. This meant I could move freely between the two homes without it impacting friendships/clubs etc. And I could easily pop into the other house, even if I wasn’t staying there that night.

As an adult I have a great relationship with my mum and my dad and stepmum. I feel 100% part of each family and this has benefited me in so many ways.

I don’t think I would feel the same if either of my parents had moved away.

@CrazyCatLady00 I'm "having a go" because you're not putting your children first. This isn't about how much support I have. This is about you refusing to acknowledge the long-term impacts this choice will have on your children. You have not once in this whole thread even mentioned how they will feel about this. You've only spoken about you, and how you feel.

In an ideal world you wouldn’t need to move away but you do and as a single parent it’s important you have support as well as be able to help care for your parents as they get older.

As the parent who’s moving away you will be responsible for taking your children to see their dad and this is something you’d have to say you are willing to do.

I think it’s good you’ve both agreed that he can have them during the holidays.
This means you won’t be able to go away with them or anything but you would have quality time with them on weekends and he can have quality time during the holidays.

I don’t know what the courts will say but if you’re support system is there then I can’t see them stopping you.
As you say you’ve tried to stay there but you are miserable and it’s affecting your MH which isn’t fair on anyone.

Actually she does.

Prohibited steps order applies only to the children, not their parent.

She can move and just drop them off with their father. Bet the order is lifted pretty quickly if she does that.

@MolliciousIntent so by me thinking about my MH is not putting my children first 🤔 ok

Well yeah, you're thinking about YOUR mental health. Not theirs. If you're struggling, see your GP, get meds, etc etc. If you can't work because you're a carer, there are benefits you can apply for. Reach out to SS for additional support if you can't manage your children by yourself. But don't completely disrupt your children's lives to make yours easier!

Once again, you haven't mentioned how your children feel about all of this At All. You're only thinking about yourself.

Op, I understand why you want to move but it isn't that simple because the law can and often gets involved.

If you want to move try to get his agreement, offer mediation because court will be expensive. Think 10k.

You could seek legal advice but any decision relies on a judge/cafcass and ultimately what case you put forward. Your ex can argue that stability is best for the children and their right to have a meaningful and regular relationship with their Dad. Ultimately you will have to show the move is best for the children and not just because you will be happier.

If the children are 11 or older their views will count, under that age a Cafcass officer will make a recommendation on their behalf.

You could win in court and be allowed to move but you could also lose.

*Prohibited steps order applies only to the children, not their parent.

She can move and just drop them off with their father. Bet the order is lifted pretty quickly if she does that*

It's likely there would also be a contact order which specified the children's main residency. If the mum just left the children (which is what you are implying) then I imagine a court would change residency to the dad. It's a high risk strategy assuming she can call his bluff.

Not sure most mums will do this.

Op, I get that it's hard,I really do but I would avoid playing into the hands of your ex.

@Fireflygal I’ve had his blessing to move, but then he changes his mind again. I’ve sat him down and told him why i have come to this decision. He has even gone through schools with me where im moving to. Then he threatens court again.

@MolliciousIntent so a stable and happy mother is not important for the children then? The DC are excited about the move, but they will miss their dad too obviously. But they’re happy about the fact that they’re going away with him just after we move. Is that good enough for you? I’ll wait for the next insult to be hurled at me 🙄

If he's only threatening court, best thing is to move quickly. The court is unlikely to apply a retrospective order requiring you to move back. Although your ex could still apply to be primary carer and the court would consider the children's best interests in making that decision.

I don't blame you for wanting to move. Ok so plenty of parents do it without support. I did and it was utterly miserable. I do think it impacted upon the children because I was so unhappy.

Are you unemployed? Have you looked into what you'd be entitled to on UC as a portion of that would take into account childcare fees.

But yes he absolutely can stop you moving his children away and considering his frequent contact and evidence he is participating with the school he stands a good chance.

@AskingforaBaskin i am a carer for my son and yes I get UC

What do the kids think to moving?

My mum moved us 3 hours when I was 10 and my brother 12. We moved from South where it was a tiny 2 bed flat to the north where we got a 4 bed house right next to the countryside, better school etc. Our quality of life was much better and I think she did the right thing. We saw our dad a couple of times a year but he wasn't much of a family man anyway. Our relationship probably did suffer but I do think he could have also made more effort to have a better relationship.

Do what you think is best for you and your family, that is all we can do for our kids.