Can I move our children away?

[CrazyCatLady00]

My kids dad keeps threatening court action as I’m moving our DC 2.5hrs away. He says he can stop me?

im moving to be near family so I will have that support and be able to give our DC a better life. I’ve always said that I’d never stop him seeing them but he is saying that I will break his bond with the DC, even though I’ve said he can have them all school holidays.

He works over 24/7 so weekends are not always an option.

@Tinyleopard he has the choice of seeing them for 3 days next week on his days off. Nope, he just wants to do one day as he wants to spend his other 2 days off doing his things. Doesn’t sound like a doting dad to me.

@CrazyCatLady00, I hope you have managed to get some information in regards to moving the children as that was your original post.

Something to consider, when you divorced, did you have a clean break agreement and was the settlement made on the basis you worked?

If you can't find work locally but have work in another part of the country that might be more of a compelling reason. If childcare costs are stopping you could you propose your ex pays all or 50% of childcare or if not you apply to court for specific issues order to enable you to move. If no clean break can you reopen finances?

A judge will want to see that you are proposing solutions, equally your ex will need to list valid reasons why it's not in the interests of the children to move. I imagine he would argue stability at school (especially as approaching gcses) as well as his relationship with them.

You could post on legal to get move input on the basis of your case.

Just because the disabled child is in school doesn't mean its always the case they are in.
Op hasn't stated exactly how disabled their child is but I know someone who's son could go to school when he was up to it but spent significant periods off of school, where he was unwell, his mother couldn't work amongst his long hospital stays and appointments and significant time off of school, she would never have been able to use it as childcare, also with his complex needs he couldn't just go into holiday clubs.

In my experience alot of the people who say they do it all on their own, all forget that they have grandparents that are willing to help at the drop of a hat and do indeed help with the gaps in childcare.
Op has no one to help, and does it all when the ex pops in and out when he feels like it.
He has a choice whether to support her or not, he chooses not to and moans about it.

I have read many posts on here that say to SAHMs don't relie on a man to support you financially, but actually in this case this seems to be a reversal he's relied on her to do all the raising and is still expecting to have all the privileges of being a parent without the hard work.
Kids are hard work and expensive to raise as OP knows, perhaps if her ex supported her she wouldn't feel the need to move her children away from him.

@CrazyCatLady00 I don't blame you at all for wanting to move.

My only worry would be how your eldest would cope. If he has moderate autism, would he cope with the set up of going to his dads for long periods during the holidays? At the moment I'm sure it's fine with seeing dad twice a week as that's within routine (even if not the same two days), but going weeks without seeing him and then having to be totally immersed in a new place/house/routine for weeks at a time might be much harder. And then he'll have to transition back to your routine. Will this be very unsettling for him, especially if he's not so close to dad as not seeing him so often?

Two wrongs don't make a right though do they?

No, but it makes the impact of moving on the children much less than if they had a father who actually gave a fuck about spending time with them when he can.

• I think you've got me wrong. The children are entitled to a relationship with their dad - note I'm not saying hes entitled.

That's what I meant about no focus on the children's needs..*

I don't disagree with you at all, and in most situations Both parties work together to achieve harmony for everyone.
Where we disagree is that you think the children should have a relationship with their dad at the complete expense of op, I think the children should have a relationship with their dad where he is an equal parents and takes some responsibility for the current situation he has also helped to create.
He has many options open to him to resolve this situation, all of which he has refused to do, op has 2, stay and suck it up, to the detriment of her own health and sanity or move and create a new life where they will all thrive.
Op has tried to make it work and live they way he wants, he has shown no willingness to help parent his kids and instead has left all responsibility to fall on her shoulders with no way of getting out of this situation, she is rightly fed up and seeing as he has refused every option to help, she is backed into a corner with limited options. These are not the actions of someone who give a shit about his kids

happy children = happy mum.

This is bullshit. My daughter was happier when me and her father were living together. I'm happier without him, she isn't.

0You could find work if you wanted to, there absolutely no reason except laziness. You’re not disabled or a full time carer you can’t be bothered as its easier to claim off the state & your ex.

I work and I don't fucking blame her tbh. Working is shite.

TYSM to those who have supported me, and to those of you who think I’m being selfish, very easy for you to say when you have a partner and a support network on your doorstep.

I don't have a partner or support network and I think you're selfish.

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave ok 👍

@Fireflygal I’ll have a look in the legal section. Thank you

Basically if not on her side then we’re all wrong 🙄

I think most people's problem with you is that you're incredibly self-centred and really don't seem to be thinking about what is actually best for your children.

And you're one to talk about throwing insults, you were incredibly rude to me earlier in the thread and continue to be so to others!

Also, a large number of people on this thread have said they have no support and still think you're doing the wrong thing.

@MolliciousIntent you think whatever you like. I don’t need to justify myself to a complete stranger. As for me being rude to you, check your comments to me!!

OP, you seem to assume that everyone who says it's a bad decision to move has a partner and a support network. I have neither (have been a single parent for a long time now, in a place where I have no family). I had to choose when XH and divorced whether or not to move back to the place where I would have had a family and network (2-3 hours away) or whether to stay put. I chose to keep the children at their schools and within easy walking distance of their father (who is a complete and utter bastard, btw, and as tight as anything to boot). I made this decision purely for the children's sakes, and it has not been much fun for me (one of them has additional needs, too). But it has enabled them to have as close to a proper relationship with him as they could have had in the circumstances (of him being a dick and going off in sulks for days on end). The DC were open at the time to moving away, but are now glad that we didn't. If we had done, their relationship with him would have withered away, whatever we all intended. I didn't want to be responsible for that. If they now, as adults, don't want to see much of him, that's their choice, but it's not a choice I forced upon them. BTW, when I mentioned moving, he did take legal advice and was told (as was I, as I asked the same question) that he could baulk a move, should he want to, if he could demonstrate that it wasn't in the children's best interests.

One thing I'd like to know, @CrazyCatLady00 , is why and how you ended up accepting a relatively poor financial settlement? Is it final, or could it be renegotiated? Did you actually take legal advice?

You do most of the parenting anyway. I think you need to weigh up your own mental and emotional health Vs the children having less time with dad.

Yes, less time with dad, but improved circumstances and happier life for you, which will mean you are able to be a better parent to your children.

They may have less time with their dad, but surely if he wanted, he could have them every other weekend? Or would his work not allow it because it's hardly the right career for an involved parent, is it? If his work can't allow him to have regular weekend contact with his children, I feel that's his own problem. Get a different job if your kids seeing you is so important to you, then he can have EOW and half the holidays, which is totally doable on 2.5 hours imo.

Either way his choice is between: See the kids less in the week and keep his career, or drop his career to see them more/have resident parent status.

If he can't come up with a solution other than "mum has to stay where she is to accommodate my career choice" then fuck him tbh. Being a pilot is clearly more important than his contact.

@myquicheisbetterthanyourquiche Basically a friend of ours had just recently got divorced and they were back and forth to court and ended up with a bill of 20k each. No way was I going down that route as I didn’t want the kids knowing all this, so I settled for a lousy settlement. It went through legally and my solicitors told me I was silly for settling with what I did. We had a clean break financially so yes it’s all final.

I'd be interested to know if you'd say any of this to a woman? As in choose between your job or your kids?

I'd also be interested whether op would be happy with increased contact and vastly reduced maintenance because wouldn't she be in an equally shit position financially?

Don’t let him harass you. I been involved in this discussion too, as I wanted to move abroad to my family, because at one point I was here depending on food banks and thought I would just commit a suicide.

Apparently, abroad (possible) but highly unlikely with a court. Within the UK? If you want to go to Scotland, your choice even with court procedures. Especially, if father is not extremely involved.

My friend moved from London to 2 hrs distanced city. Her daughter’s dad is still in London. Was trying on her all this court stuff. In the end, didn’t even bother to pay for court. She moved anyway. Has a nice life. Don’t see her ex prick anymore. Done.

One thing to add that I don’t think has been mentioned is how sure you are of your support network if you move.

I have a couple of friends who moved to the other end of the country to live near parents who offered “to help loads with the children” and then it turned out that in reality “helping loads” was actually “babysitting twice a year as long as the kids were already in bed”.

I'd be interested to know if you'd say any of this to a woman? As in choose between your job or your kids?

If they were a pilot or some other job that required them to be absent from their kids that much, yes. If they wanted to be the resident parent but dad is going to move away... I would say the same, that unless their job chsbges, it's bit really likely

I have a sneaky suspicion the ‘mens rights’ activists are out in force on this thread… All mums here?? Maybe not 😉