Can I move our children away?

[CrazyCatLady00]

My kids dad keeps threatening court action as I’m moving our DC 2.5hrs away. He says he can stop me?

im moving to be near family so I will have that support and be able to give our DC a better life. I’ve always said that I’d never stop him seeing them but he is saying that I will break his bond with the DC, even though I’ve said he can have them all school holidays.

He works over 24/7 so weekends are not always an option.

Tiny, can you really not see that OP has already made enormous sacrifices and compromises

I think Tiny can see it fine but is enjoying being goady & contrarian.

I don’t understand why she can’t work. Loads of SEN kids go to school (I appreciate not all mainstream) but I struggle to understand why her 13 yr old regardless of the severity of his needs isn’t in any school

@CrazyCatLady00 . I think CM is calculated purely on income and doesn't take debts/liabilities into account. So you might be better off going through the CMS if you think you'd get more than £750 based purely on his income.

I've repeatedly said I can see it but don't think it's a good enough reason to destroy the children's relationship with their father.

You do think it's okay. Let's agree to disagree shall we? It's really quite tedious repeating myself to someone who either can't read or is willfully misinterpreting what I'm saying.

CMS is based off income, they won't care how much his mortgage is. If you feel it's not right, go through them.

It's not misogynistic at all. I'd be saying the same if she was a man doing this.

Let's agree to disagree shall we? It's really quite tedious repeating myself to someone who either can't read or is willfully misinterpreting what I'm saying.

moved to browser to read your derogatory comment in full.

I can read & also understand - it seems to be you who keep selectively picking points and ignoring the wider point of a decent parent should consider what the children need first and this man can absolutely afford more than this amount on his salary. Sure he might need to make lifestyle changes - that’s called being a decent parent.

I'd be saying the same if she was a man doing this.

yes - cos that happens all the time 🙄

@Hollygolightly86 he is in a school. I never said he wasn’t.

CMS in the UK is an absolute joke and easily gamed. I continuously thank my lucky stars that the country ex chose for us to settle in (we moved around a lot - I didn't particularly want to move here, but have made the best of it as it turns out) doesn't have fixed amounts, and values children and the mothers who look after them rather than abandons them to their fate like the UK does.

Good luck OP. If your kids are like mine, they can't conceive of their dad actually looking after them, although they're OK with visits, so just be aware, the school holidays plan might not work out (my eldest was horrified at the thought of a whole weekend with his dad - largely because his dad had checked out of fatherhood long before he started cheating)

I didn’t say you did I just wasn’t sure why if both kids are in school you can’t work that was all

I'm not ignoring the wider issue, I simply don't agree. I don't think it's in the best interest of the children. That's it.

I understand why you want to move, he hardly sounds like the most involved father with begrudging paying more than the CMS minimum and I'm guessing if the kids do activities or have parties etc he doesn't facilitate taking them there.

@Hollygolightly86 read my comments as I’m not repeating myself 🙄

@Selttan nooe he does nothing. I organise everything, meetings in schools for the eldest, the lot.

I have read your posts and you can work part time whilst your children are school just like thousands of women do, you won’t have any childcare costs?? You are choosing not to work definitely not a case that you can’t!

I have read your posts and you can work part time whilst your children are school just like thousands of women do, you won’t have any childcare costs?? You are choosing not to work definitely not a case that you can’t!

That's not entirely true though is it - I work remotely and I'm senior enough that I can work flexibly (through sheer bloody mindedness) - but my other friends only manage to do this with family support. One is re-training as a teaching assistant (term time job - like gold-dust), she has a complicated arrangement which covers the 30 mins overlap between her getting out of her school, and her kids getting out of theirs - not a suitable solution for OP. Another has done shop work, but she's the main carer for a number of her family and friends, so now minds a child after school as the only way that can fit in - not a suitable solution for OP. A third has a child with special needs and a toddler, and can be called at any minute (and has been) by the school, so has been unable to find any job but cleaning that she can make work with this requirement (and even then she's lost clients) - barely suitable for the OP.

Everyone else. everyone, uses paid childcare (as I do) or has family members to support them. And Paid childcare is barely accessible for someone on a minimum wage.

Not all children are capable of growing into independent adults, not all children get easier as they get older. I don't know OPs exact circumstances in this regard but given she's said she's a carer for her DC it's very possible she will need to consider their care needs long past 18. I would usually be the first to say this isn't ok, but throwing SEN into the mix makes it a very different situation.

I don't know what I'd do in your situation @CrazyCatLady00 but I do understand how desperately you can need support in these circumstances. If I had somewhere to go where I could actually have a support network, right now, with how close to burn out I am and how little H contributes, I get why you need that.

@Hollygolightly86 ans what do you suggest I do with my children during school holidays then? Who would look after them then? Oh yes childcare, so I would go to work for absolutely nothing during those times. What about teacher training days etc?

I don’t necessarily disagree with you but many friends work whilst their children are at school in supermarkets, receptionist, part time admin support, an estate agents so absolutely is possible. I just cannot get my head around the mentality when people say they can’t what they actually mean is I don’t want to.

You’re just finding excuses quite honestly, millions of families manage, I assume that part of your motivation to move is so you can work & with all the support you’ll have adequate childcare during holidays etc

Op I started reading thinking YABU but the more I've read the more I think YANBU,
And I have to say that's mainly thanks to Tiny who has done a really good job of showing how shit the argument is for you to stay.

On balance yes there could be disruption to the relationship with their father, however, he pays absolute minimum maintenance, no decent parent would do this if they could easily afford more. He refuses to contribute to anything else towards the children, no reasonable parent would do this.
His ex is struggling and isolated, no decent parent would want their children to grow up with a struggling, isolated main care giver.
He could pay more to help with childcare costs so op would work, he won't. He could change his job and take on 50/50 care, he won't. He could cut down his hours to help care for his child, he won't. He could move closed to ops support network to keep contact with his children, he won't.
So who the fuck can honestly defend this man's position, he is doing absolutely nothing to make his children's life better, yes expect op to sacrifice her life so he can continue to see the kids for a couple of hours a week when it suits him.
The only good thing he does is pay a minimum maintenance, in all other areas he sound like a shit father, who can only be arsed with his kids when it doesn't disrupt his life.

@purpleboy yes the children's right to a relationship with their father is a really shit reason.

That relies on you thinking that CMS is infallible and always totally correct in what they order a father to pay. I don’t. I know of a woman who is due to be in receipt of £7 a week. Which of course, she doesn’t receive. Ever.

I just can’t accept that his largely child-free life, which is often conducted away from home due to the nature of his international job, should be prioritised over that of a struggling single, working mother, with no support. The children would be surrounded by a happier mother, a larger, loving family and will still see their father. A father who is able to relocate if he so desires.

Not in an awful way but what do you think everyone else does?