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Original poster

Can I move our children away?

327 replies

CrazyCatLady00 · 09/05/2022 17:06

My kids dad keeps threatening court action as I’m moving our DC 2.5hrs away. He says he can stop me?

im moving to be near family so I will have that support and be able to give our DC a better life. I’ve always said that I’d never stop him seeing them but he is saying that I will break his bond with the DC, even though I’ve said he can have them all school holidays.

He works over 24/7 so weekends are not always an option.

OP posts:
Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 10:17

Herejustforthisone · 11/05/2022 10:16

He pays something like 10-15% of his monthly net income (based on very modest assumption of a Captain salary) towards his children, they do not spend much time with them (‘once or twice a week’) so he has no further outgoings for them, he dips in an out of their lives due to his job (works away at times), and still we’re telling a single working mother, who acts as a carer for one of the children, that she is selfish for wanting to be nearer to her family for some support, as she currently has none?

Fuck that noise.

He pays what CMS tells him and is therefore doing what he should be. Hth.

She's not wrong to want support, she's wrong to destroy the children's relationship with their dad to get it.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/05/2022 10:18

It's not odd to think that this isn't in the children's best interest.

That's not what is odd. As I've said.

What's odd is how much you are attacking OP, and saying it would be UR for the father to have you change his job / working arrangements

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 10:18

I don't know what you're trying to get at?

That you think only one of their 'joint decisions' pre-break-up should continue post-separation - that he should be able to work as a pilot while she cares for the children.

The other 'joint decision' - that he should support the family financially since her ability to work is severely limited by his job and their child's difficulties - can be completely disregarded, leaving her in difficult emotional and financial circumstances.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
EarringsandLipstick · 11/05/2022 10:20

He pays what he's been told to pay through CMS. If you don't think that's enough maybe you should let them know.

CMS is clearly rubbish. Thankfully I'm Ireland. We don't have the CMS which means it unfortunately it can be expensive to get a (usually) father to pay sufficient maintenance but 100% a pilot would pay significantly more than this and be expected to contribute to medical & educational costs on top, in Ireland.

(No need for the snarky comment either)

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 10:20

EarringsandLipstick · 11/05/2022 10:18

It's not odd to think that this isn't in the children's best interest.

That's not what is odd. As I've said.

What's odd is how much you are attacking OP, and saying it would be UR for the father to have you change his job / working arrangements

I haven't "attacked" op. I've said I think what she's planning is wrong. That's not attacking, unless we are only allowed to agree and say you do you hun fuck him!

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to do that, I think it's unreasonable for her to force him to do that by removing his children. That's really not odd.

If your ex basically said, change jobs and be more available or you won't see your kids for 8 weeks at a time would you be happy with that?

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 10:20

Herejustforthisone · 11/05/2022 10:16

He pays something like 10-15% of his monthly net income (based on very modest assumption of a Captain salary) towards his children, they do not spend much time with them (‘once or twice a week’) so he has no further outgoings for them, he dips in an out of their lives due to his job (works away at times), and still we’re telling a single working mother, who acts as a carer for one of the children, that she is selfish for wanting to be nearer to her family for some support, as she currently has none?

Fuck that noise.

I know. Amazing right? And this man has the option of moving to be closer to his children (and their increased support network) if the OP moves, but has apparently turned it down. He's happy for them to stay living with a miserable, impoverished mother with no chance of improving her prospects to make his life easier.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 10:21

EarringsandLipstick · 11/05/2022 10:20

He pays what he's been told to pay through CMS. If you don't think that's enough maybe you should let them know.

CMS is clearly rubbish. Thankfully I'm Ireland. We don't have the CMS which means it unfortunately it can be expensive to get a (usually) father to pay sufficient maintenance but 100% a pilot would pay significantly more than this and be expected to contribute to medical & educational costs on top, in Ireland.

(No need for the snarky comment either)

But that's not his fault is it? He's doing what he's been told to do. If you have an issue with the CMS I'd suggest going to them about it.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/05/2022 10:21

Herejustforthisone · 11/05/2022 10:16

He pays something like 10-15% of his monthly net income (based on very modest assumption of a Captain salary) towards his children, they do not spend much time with them (‘once or twice a week’) so he has no further outgoings for them, he dips in an out of their lives due to his job (works away at times), and still we’re telling a single working mother, who acts as a carer for one of the children, that she is selfish for wanting to be nearer to her family for some support, as she currently has none?

Fuck that noise.

Well put.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 10:21

We also don't have medical or educational costs so that's wholly irrelevant isn't it

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 10:22

But that's not his fault is it? He's doing what he's been told to do. If you have an issue with the CMS I'd suggest going to them about it.

Pathetic argument. He can always voluntarily pay more to provide them with a better quality of life.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/05/2022 10:22

He pays what CMS tells him and is therefore doing what he should be.

No that's the legacy of the appalling CMS system in the UK.
He is NOT doing what he should be.

He's doing the bare minimum. He's a disgrace.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 10:23

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 10:22

But that's not his fault is it? He's doing what he's been told to do. If you have an issue with the CMS I'd suggest going to them about it.

Pathetic argument. He can always voluntarily pay more to provide them with a better quality of life.

£750 a month is a lot. How much do you suggest he pays?

Or would he be paying op to stay? Or not work? Because that's what it sounds like?

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 10:24

EarringsandLipstick · 11/05/2022 10:22

He pays what CMS tells him and is therefore doing what he should be.

No that's the legacy of the appalling CMS system in the UK.
He is NOT doing what he should be.

He's doing the bare minimum. He's a disgrace.

It's really not a disgrace. People always say CMS is the minimum and not enough but it's totally baseless considering its calculated on salary. The other parent has to be able to live as well, contrary to popular belief.

GaiaWise · 11/05/2022 10:26

Please think carefully about this.
My mum did this and it had a significantly negative impact on our childhood. As an adult, I was v angry with her for a number of years. She has recently acknowledged (I’m in my late forties) that she made a terrible mistake.

Having said that, she did not move for family support but for a new boyfriend and I appreciate your situation is different.

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 10:28

£750 a month is a lot. How much do you suggest he pays?

The OP presumably has an idea about how much childcare support she would require to enable her to have some respite care and get back into work, education or training. I presume she has plans about what she would want to do with her life if she received extra support from her family after the move. That would be a good starting-point for a conversation with her ex about how he can support her so she doesn't feel that it is necessary for her to move away to have a decent, fulfilled life with her children.

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 11/05/2022 10:29

He has known about this move for an entire year. And he is only threatening court now. Note that he hasn’t actually done anything about taking OP to court. He’s only threatening to do it.

There are things he clearly could have done to make this move less likely and also to limit the impact it would have have on his relationship with his children. He could have made OP feel more secure by not threatening to withdraw maintenance, perfect agreeing to pay for a longer period in the case of the eldest who may well not be (or not yet be) a financially independent adult when he/she leaves formal education. He could have been involved (financially and planning wise) in sorting some regular childcare/respite for OP so that she could do some work or have some time to herself - for example he could have booked a regular babysitter for one or two fixed days per week and paid her whether or not she was needed so that OP could pick up some part time work. Remember even with the maintenance, his monthly income vastly exceeds OPs. He could have chosen to move to a location between their current area and the area OP is moving to instead of buying a new house house where they are now. He did none of those things.

Treesandbees1 · 11/05/2022 10:30

It isn't a huge drive. Not like you're moving to the other end of the country!
Meet half way perhaps?

Move ASAP. The family support will be valuable to you and DC.

EL8888 · 11/05/2022 10:31

In your shoes l would move. You are left to do most of the heavy listening and he just pops by at intervals already. It doesn’t sound like he is that engaged and you can’t arrange your life round your ex forever. He sounds like a dick holding child support above your head and not making enough effort

EL8888 · 11/05/2022 10:31

Listening = lifting!

EarringsandLipstick · 11/05/2022 10:32

The other parent has to be able to live as well, contrary to popular belief.

Not at the cost of the DC, and (usually) the mother, who in this case can't work due to the challenges of childcare with a SEN child.

CMS is a low, low threshold of acceptability.

He can live pretty damn well on a pilot's salary minus £750

Hollygolightly86 · 11/05/2022 10:32

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 10:28

£750 a month is a lot. How much do you suggest he pays?

The OP presumably has an idea about how much childcare support she would require to enable her to have some respite care and get back into work, education or training. I presume she has plans about what she would want to do with her life if she received extra support from her family after the move. That would be a good starting-point for a conversation with her ex about how he can support her so she doesn't feel that it is necessary for her to move away to have a decent, fulfilled life with her children.

How much he pays has got nothing to do with access, the 2 are completely separate issues so I don’t understand why his payments are even being discussed

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 10:33

EarringsandLipstick · 11/05/2022 10:32

The other parent has to be able to live as well, contrary to popular belief.

Not at the cost of the DC, and (usually) the mother, who in this case can't work due to the challenges of childcare with a SEN child.

CMS is a low, low threshold of acceptability.

He can live pretty damn well on a pilot's salary minus £750

I suggest you take your concerns up with them, then.

You actually think a parent shouldn't be able to live because the other parent doesn't work? Wow.

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 11/05/2022 10:33

I'm a single mother (now) in a country away from my family, luckily with mum friends I've made so I do have someone to call on in an emergency, but it's really, really, really tough. Without my fantastic friends, I would be absolutely screwed if I got sick, or (as happened recently) the car had to be in the garage for a couple of days. My mum is flying out to look after them for a few days at the end of August so I can attend a work event, but last time she couldn't and just 24 hours away for a meeting cost me 200quid in childcare, so it's not something I can do often.

I totally understand OP wanting to move to be somewhere with support for her. I am extremely isolated really, despite my wonderful friends, because I don't have that layer of long-term family that I would have if I moved back home. It must feel like you're being held to ransom by him in many ways.

So yes, it would be disrupting the relationship, but currently their primary carer is isolated and unsupported, she needs to be somewhere where she can work too. He sees them a couple of times a week because of his job, she shoulders all the rest of the load. It's not even about happy mum - it's about a mum trying to do a little more than keep her head above water, rather than sacrifice her life so her ex can see the kids 2 nights a week with minimal hassle for him.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/05/2022 10:34

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 10:21

We also don't have medical or educational costs so that's wholly irrelevant isn't it

Of course she does?

You think it's free to send a child to school? I'm not talking school fees.

And with a SEN child perhaps there are additional costs not covered within the NHS.

Or perhaps things like private orthodontic treatment when older?

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 10:34

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 11/05/2022 10:29

He has known about this move for an entire year. And he is only threatening court now. Note that he hasn’t actually done anything about taking OP to court. He’s only threatening to do it.

There are things he clearly could have done to make this move less likely and also to limit the impact it would have have on his relationship with his children. He could have made OP feel more secure by not threatening to withdraw maintenance, perfect agreeing to pay for a longer period in the case of the eldest who may well not be (or not yet be) a financially independent adult when he/she leaves formal education. He could have been involved (financially and planning wise) in sorting some regular childcare/respite for OP so that she could do some work or have some time to herself - for example he could have booked a regular babysitter for one or two fixed days per week and paid her whether or not she was needed so that OP could pick up some part time work. Remember even with the maintenance, his monthly income vastly exceeds OPs. He could have chosen to move to a location between their current area and the area OP is moving to instead of buying a new house house where they are now. He did none of those things.

So it's all on him to do whatever, pay whatever to stop op taking his children away. I see. No compromise from her, all from him. Why is that?