How will you ensure that you have a 'resilient' child

[TimeToLose8]

I have recently spent some time discussing this with others:

A student support person at a local university bemoans the fact that students have a lot less resilience now, they need so much more support at University - they are so used to mum/dad sorting out their problems that they can't do this for themselves.

Then I spoke to a detective (same university town) who said that the students that found themselves in trouble did not have the skills to work out when they were crossing some sort of 'line'.

And then I walked past a primary school at the end of the day. The majority of the children skipped out, not a care in the world, followed by the pack horse of a carer/parent carrying coat/book bag/sports kit/bike/scooter and I wondered whether this is where it starts.

So, tell me, and more importantly, other parents, how you will be ensuring that your children will be RESILIENT, be able to face whatever life throws at them, and NOT be dependent upon you, the parent, to solve their problems.

As for the 'pack horse parent' - just buy your child a back pack!

I am very interested in this. Very young DC but am keen to pick up any tips for the future. In my current zero experience I feel like role modelling will be important

This was my very first essay and there are a lot of theories. Personally, I believe giving a child a secure base will result in a resilient enough child. Secure attachments are important so the child/adult feels safe enough to explore. This is heavily contrasted with kids who have really had it tough in childhood in which case they may have no other choice but to be resilient in order to survive. Although having said that tough childhoods can break some people so it’s really how your temperature reacts with your environment.

Over parenting and enabling tends to cause less resilient kids doesn’t it? The snowflake approach.

Temperament rather, god it’s been a long day of essay writing.

Modelling is important too, if you’re not resilient yourself that’s not a good start. I’ve been told by teachers my kids are resilient. I see that as the greatest compliment to be honest, more so than their academic achievements.

I don't know but I will watch with interest. Mine are only primary age but I do worry about this too. I suppose at the moment I try to push them out of their comfort zone and show them it's ok to fail??
I was very heavily supervised as a kid and even a young adult. I consequently was very immature and had developed very little resilience until my mid/ late 20s.
I think it's all tied up with self esteem, self belief, and not being afraid to fail. And letting them know I can't fix things for them, but I will always be available as a compassionate companion in life.

Interesting thread.

i think allowing children to make mistakes and suffer the consequences is important. I.e my son was told last night he'd get a sanction if he didn't have his blazer for school photos the next day. (He'd told me all week it was in school. Transpires it was in school but I should have been asking where in school!). I helped him by taking him to school early to look for it but that was all.

I think sport is really important at becoming resilient. As is trying things and failing.

one thing I know we'll struggle with is being streetwise - we live on a farm and I know I'll find it hard to be streetwise!!!

I think that playing competitive sport is a good one - learning that sometimes you lose even when you really wanted to win, and you have to show up again next week and put it behind you and keep trying your best.

I don't really agree with your 'pack horse' example tbh. I mean, I can see how you could link that to a kid who is thoughtless or inconsiderate, but my definition of resilience is being able to pick yourself up after a disappointment, I can't really see how carrying your own bag will help with that?

I think that parents are too quick to sort out problems for their kids, when sometime the children don’t even want help, they’re just talking.
When my kids have a problem that they are talking to me about I ask them what they want me to do.
If it’s a problem at school I ask them ‘Do I need to get involved, or can you manage this one yourself?’ When they were younger I might talk about what they could try etc. or encourage them to try and solve it themselves. But now they’re older they’re more specific about whether they’re just having a moan, need advice or need me to help.

Unconditional love and support (well, I mean, without them committing some kind of terrible crime). I always felt that my parents would only love me if I was 'good enough'. I want my DS to know he can mess up and make mistakes and not be perfect and I'll still love him so he's free to do those things and learn from them rather than be scared of my reactions

Getting the right terminology is the first thing. Dd's school talks about resilience as one of their school values but actually they mean tenacity or perseverance.

To me it’s all about having a secure attachment to an adult/parent/care giver. Knowing whatever happens that person is there for you and will love you regardless. That gives you confidence and resilience

I've put mine into a competitive sport where a very high degree of independence and problem-solving is required. He wins and loses in quick succession and has it drilled into him to view both only as learning opportunities.

Resilience is for systems, compassion is for people. Treating people with compassion helps build them up, expecting people to cope alone breaks them down.

Allowing DD to take real risks, not just sanitised ones, but teaching her to risk assess. She is only 4 and we take her rock climbing, mountainbiking (shotgun seat), paddling boarding etc. We are lucky to live in an area where this is normal, and taking them swimming in the lake in the summer is a standard afterschool activity. My DH is better at this than me, I have to fight against my anxiety.

This.

Parents need to model the behaviours that it will benefit their children to learn.

I grew up with a mentally unwell parent that confided their woes/anxieties/feelings to me as if I was an adult. I grew up feeling from a very young age unsafe, and as if the world was full of bad things.

I grew up into an anxious sad person (until I had lots of therapy) because that's what I saw in my parent.

I’m not sure I agree with your definition of resilience. I think resilience is the ability to persevere- to bounce back from difficult circumstances.

I think what you are describing is two things, a lack of life skills, or an abundance of entitlement, and are quite different.

Giving them freedom to make their own choices and decisions, to form their own judgement on things. Talking through problems but not solving them for them. Benign neglect approach. Let them get on with it but with a supportive environment to fall back on when they need encouragement.

Name changed because posting about my children - in the main it’s down to kids being horribly over parented.

I have 4 children. 3 teens one 6 year old. The teenagers are far and away the most resilient and
confident of their respective peer groups. I’m talking about things like knowing how to read a timetable, not panicking when they get lost, happy to phone the GP and make their own appts, 17 year old ordered and sorted her own provisional.

Half the stuff I read on here “can I leave my 14 year old alone for an hour”, “DDs teacher was mean so I emailed to complain”, “Mil left the kids in the car when she went in to the shop” is absolutely NUTS.

Im not evangelising a return to 70s parenting at all but age appropriate responsibilities and freedom from toddlerhood up.

From 3 years old all my kids had to do chores.
At 6 they could make tea/toast
From year 1 they had to walk to the classroom on their own from the gate
They had responsibilities and more importantly were taught the impact on themselves and others if they shirked them.

You have to enable and give your children the skills to advocate for themselves. Mummy I have this problem, don’t fix it for them, help them to work out how they are going to fix it themselves!!

People always mention competetive sport, but I haven't noticed that the kids who are on all the teams are the ones with the best attitude in this respect.

I think that it's unfortunately one of those things where it's much more important to model than to explicitly teach. One of the reasons I work very hard to keep my own anxiety (which has previously sometimes reached clinical levels) in check and controlled since having children is that the research is very clear on how inheritable anxiety disorders are - but I will say that I had no idea before having children how much harder current parenting culture makes that. Feeling excessively anxious about your children is both normalised and valorised - it's held up as the ultimate proof of good mothering - and I've found I've had to be really conscious (and had some professional help, at points) to not get sucked into that. But I think it's almost impossible for overly anxious parents to raise resilient children.

I really don't know and it's something I wonder about a lot so I'm reading this thread with interest..a few things that I think might help:

1. Teaching and showing child that it's ok to fail, lose or make mistakes

1. Similarly, rather than not expecting.child.to.mess up when they do mess up give them a way (or let them think of one) to make it better. E.g. silly example but I never tell dd off for spilling anything but I do expect her to mop it up herself. She's been doing it since the age of 3.

1. Provide a loving, safe and caring base

1. Tell them that there are always people that can help, make.it explicit that there isn't just their parents but also (in our case) grandparents, close family friends (name them), teachers, police etc. So there's always someone to help no matter what.

1. Teach them to be as independent as is possible or age appropriate

1. Teach them that growing (in whatever way they define as positive) is more important than achievements.

By the way j define resilience as being able to bounce back from adversity or bad experiences.

Interesting question. I think the tools have to come through play with children. Losing games is good, not just sport but board games.

And watching what you do if something goes wrong.

I actually agree about sport, but as pp mentions I don't think team sports are the greatest for this. The sports I kept for life were individual sports. Team sports for younger kids can be damaging to a kids self esteem, if you are not best of the best. In individual sports you are trying to improve for yourself, improve on your own personal best.

Interesting to read. Agree with lots of the above esp a stable, secure home where they know they are lived and where boundaries are clear and consistent. For me, I would also include the following for my primary aged children:

• they have to help at home for nothing ie cleaning car, hoovering and cleaning bathrooms.
• they attend cubs and will go to cadets which both encourage outdoor activities and independent thinking and practical skills.
• team sport and individual sport so get used to losing graciously and celebrating wins.
• regular camping holidays where they get the run of the site. I impose boundaries and deadlines which have to be adhered to.
• learning to cook meals and make their own meals.
• they own a pet each and have to care and feed pet themselves. That was a condition of having a pet.
• screen time is avoided and not part of our normal so they get used to being bored and coming up with ideas of things to do.
• extensive reading and encouraging alternative authors and genres through biweekly visits to local library as it is my personal view that reading de-stresses and moves your mind into another world (if you're lucky!)
• focus on saving for short term, medium term and long term. Both my primary aged children know what a JISA and SIPP are.
• understanding the importance of a healthy diet, low in sugar and plenty of exercise as well as early to bed.
• they have also both been doing Stagecoach for a year to build confidence on stage and in public speaking, something that terrified me when I started work.

I have a very resilient child (well, almost adult) who bounces back from setbacks and doesn't fear failure. I think a lot of it comes down to innate personality, but I think the following strategies have probably helped.

1. I have never rushed in to fix problems but try instead to support dd to find her own solutions.

1. I have repeatedly supported dd to access opportunities that push her outside of her comfort zone just a little. Baby steps, nothing too terrifying.

1. I have always praised effort and perseverance over and above results. DD knows that I am proudest of her successes in the things that don't come naturally to her rather than in the areas where she naturally excels.

1. I have encouraged dd to persevere with activities that she has found particularly challenging (in her case, swimming and acrobatics) so that she has learned to deal with failure and also to see that success comes eventually if you keep working for it. This has been particularly important for a kid like dd who is naturally exceptionally good at quite a lot of things.

1. I have tried to encourage a growth mindset rather than a fixed one, so that dd doesn't see ability as fixed and limited, but rather as something which changes over time and as a result of hard work. I have actively facilitated opportunities for her to improve in skills where she has wanted to do something but lacked confidence (e.g. singing lessons) and she has experienced the results of this.

1. I have talked openly about my own failures, setbacks and disappointments so that she knows that life isn't full of plain sailing, but when something goes wrong, you can still pick yourself up and start all over again.

I am not saying that any of these are a recipe for success, as I do think that different people have naturally different set points for resilience, but I hope that the suggestions above will at least be useful for somebody.

I could be wrong but I dont think many parents want a resilient child.
They want a happy one. Where the world is fluffly, and if it is not for their child, then they will make it so.