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Parenting

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Original poster

How will you ensure that you have a 'resilient' child

136 replies

TimeToLose8 · 03/05/2022 19:55

I have recently spent some time discussing this with others:

A student support person at a local university bemoans the fact that students have a lot less resilience now, they need so much more support at University - they are so used to mum/dad sorting out their problems that they can't do this for themselves.

Then I spoke to a detective (same university town) who said that the students that found themselves in trouble did not have the skills to work out when they were crossing some sort of 'line'.

And then I walked past a primary school at the end of the day. The majority of the children skipped out, not a care in the world, followed by the pack horse of a carer/parent carrying coat/book bag/sports kit/bike/scooter and I wondered whether this is where it starts.

So, tell me, and more importantly, other parents, how you will be ensuring that your children will be RESILIENT, be able to face whatever life throws at them, and NOT be dependent upon you, the parent, to solve their problems.

As for the 'pack horse parent' - just buy your child a back pack!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

supersonicspider · 04/05/2022 17:11

Kite22 · 03/05/2022 20:46

My dc are adults now, and are all resilient.

things I did, that I would do again include:

From when they were quite young, I used to get them to ask adults for something they wanted...... want a biscuit when having coffee after church ? Go and ask the person serving the coffee...... can't find something in a shop? - go and ask the lady / gentleman behind the counter ....... etc.etc Teaches them that people --except on MN-- are almost always willing to help and there is nothing scary about talking to people you don't know, and that, very often it is the most efficient way to resolve your problem

Once they started school, I used to ask them "What would you do if....." questions (for example, you came out of school and couldn't see me...... or ..... you looked up when we were in the supermarket and you couldn't see me.....etc). We'd talk about things like that quite often, just in theory, when we were all eating etc, but they had 'rehearsed' situations in theory before they every happened in practice. I think it became even more useful once they got to secondary, and then on into "What if someone is pressurising you into trying drugs / alcohol / at a party or in the park when you don't want to?" type scenarios, again, when it was all theoretical and they could think of ways they could extract themselves or say no etc.
I also used to invent scenarios sometimes "Someone at work was saying her daughter......{some made up scenario} .... what do you think you would have done if that happened to you?" So we could all talk about what might have been feasible or sensible in that scenario, without any conflict of them "not grassing" on their friends or siblings - it was all 'removed' from them personally, so no-one needed to be defensive.

I did used to help them prepare - so practice the route before they went to secondary, and walk different ways so they knew if they wanted to walk with a friend a slightly different way, they could get back on the route without being lost.

Not make a big fuss if one of us was late collecting them from somewhere. Praise them for doing the right thing.

When issues at school, my first question would always be "Who have you spoken to ? What else do you think you could do ? They knew I would have their backs in a heartbeat if needed, but they learned that usually they could sort out issues by speaking to the right member of staff at the time.

If it was something like forgetting dinner money, they would know I wasn't going to run up to school with it, so they worked out what their options were.

Signed them up to Scouts, and encouraged them to take part in whatever they could.

All this sounds like fantastic parenting - well done! 😊

Franca123 · 04/05/2022 17:33

I'd say I'm resilient. My parents just let me get on with it. They trusted that I could sort my own stuff out and only interfered if they had to. They encouraged me into lots of sports. I was constantly told that life wasn't going to be given to me on a plate and that no one owed me anything. And never be dependant on anyone. That combined with a loving, stable home. Oh and I had lots of freedom to play out on my own from a young age and to travel to school on my own. Benign neglect I think you call it. I intend to do the same with my kids.

CloudPine · 04/05/2022 17:56

Franca123 · 04/05/2022 17:33

Generation X - the generation raised by the parenting technique 'benign neglect'?

That's me, anyway. 🙂

Interested in this thread?

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RobynNora · 04/05/2022 18:00

I'm promoting a lot of Montessori type activity that stresses independence. That said, I appreciate that researching and encouraging a Montessori approach is a bit 'helicopter parenty' in itself as compared, say, to my neighbour with four kids who are much more free range and impressively independent in different ways. Perhaps the neighbours' kids will fare better for resilience.

Franca123 · 04/05/2022 18:14

@CloudPine I'm actually a millenial but my parents were older parents so probably carried through those attitudes to my benefit. I remember them being very critical of peer's parents who got overly involved in homework for example.

Kite22 · 04/05/2022 20:39

CeeceeBloomingdale · 04/05/2022 06:25

It's encouraging them to make their own choices. Give guidance but ultimately they need to make choices through life. Teach then about sensible choices so when they make decisions without you they are thinking about their actions and the consequences.

Teach them consequences and follow through, their actions are their choice but if bad choices mean consequences then they have to deal with that.

Teach them they are important but not the most important. Don't tell them they are special or better than anyone else, understanding they are special to you but just another person in the real world saves disappointment later. Other people have valid opinions too. Don't big them up beyond their capabilities (or they might end up as a joke act on Britain's Got Talent!)

Teach them to listen, to understand, to empathise.

Teach them to own their choices, good or bad. Ownership and accountability is important, not just celebrating the successes. Not all choices are good or bad, some are just different.

Teach them to have confidence in their choices, even if they choose the path less trodden. Encourage them to follow their dreams but only if they are realistic. Don't follow the flock if they are heading in another direction. Have confidence in who they are, how they look, how they are as a friend.

Encourage them to try and try again. Giving up in frustration is normally temper related. If necessary go back to it at another time. Teach them that sometimes there are rules to follow and you have to follow them.

Model all of the above, lead by example. Fake it until you make it if necessary.

Love this ^

No I don’t think they are saying that, it is both, I see a lot of people patting themselves on the back about what wonderful parents they are when they have very easy children to parent.

Ha Ha Ha Ha. Clearly you've not met dc1. I don't think anyone is patting themselves on the back though, people are replying to the OP's question about what they think helps. Doesn't mean each strategy is going to work with each child, but something might just catch the eye of someone else who wants to give it a go.

danny735 · 04/05/2022 22:53

Love this thread!

Cuck00soup · 06/05/2022 09:58

GiveMeNovocain · 03/05/2022 20:18

Resilience is for systems, compassion is for people. Treating people with compassion helps build them up, expecting people to cope alone breaks them down.

This is apt. I had multiple care givers as a very young child and was independent and practically resilient from a young age. I have low emotional resilience though and am terrible at confrontation,

Practical skills and independence can be learned. A loving foundation is a gift.

CloudPine · 06/05/2022 10:25

Cuck00soup · 06/05/2022 09:58

This is apt. I had multiple care givers as a very young child and was independent and practically resilient from a young age. I have low emotional resilience though and am terrible at confrontation,

Practical skills and independence can be learned. A loving foundation is a gift.

Show quote history

And it is possible to do both. That's the optimal situation. It's not a zero sum game.

Cuck00soup · 06/05/2022 11:05

What I was really trying to say is that it is easier to learn other life skills if you get the foundation right, so as a parent, I think the priority has to be to make sure your child feels loved.

From then on, any skills you can help your child to acquire are a bonus.

Butteryflakycrust83 · 06/05/2022 11:07

I dont think theres a one size fits all approach here, and alot will depend on the childs personality.

I had very outgoing parents, very sociable and I had the free range childhood we can only dream of now - but I was absolutely useless when I left for uni age 18 and I didnt really find my feet until early 20s. I was also painfully shy as a child/teen.

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