How will you ensure that you have a 'resilient' child

[TimeToLose8]

I have recently spent some time discussing this with others:

A student support person at a local university bemoans the fact that students have a lot less resilience now, they need so much more support at University - they are so used to mum/dad sorting out their problems that they can't do this for themselves.

Then I spoke to a detective (same university town) who said that the students that found themselves in trouble did not have the skills to work out when they were crossing some sort of 'line'.

And then I walked past a primary school at the end of the day. The majority of the children skipped out, not a care in the world, followed by the pack horse of a carer/parent carrying coat/book bag/sports kit/bike/scooter and I wondered whether this is where it starts.

So, tell me, and more importantly, other parents, how you will be ensuring that your children will be RESILIENT, be able to face whatever life throws at them, and NOT be dependent upon you, the parent, to solve their problems.

As for the 'pack horse parent' - just buy your child a back pack!

For me it was more self taught

Don't expect to much from other people
Live day by day but plan ahead when needed
Try not to set expectations for different events too high
Always be appreciative of what you have achieved and acknowledge if you can do better next time
Try to always be well mannered and polite.
Try to consider various perspectives and view points of different people

I like @AntarcticTern example.

I think for me it's life skills. We live extremely rural, DH is a farmer, I'm a retired solicitor.

So my oldest child is three, she can lamb a sheep, catch a lamb, make milk to correct temperature. She understand she comes in, takes wellies off, overalls off, washed hands.

She understands nature, she engages with it, she learns from it. She nurses things and sees that some benefit, some do not. Despite her efforts.

We teach kindness, random acts. Fresh flowers from wood left locally for people to find, we shop for rural elderly people, visit them.

This is an interesting question. Firstly what is resilience? The term resilience is being misapplied now, to mean willing/able to put up with any amount of shit (often at work) and not moan too much - I have no desire to teach my kids this! I consider resilience to be adaptability and having another go or a rethink after setbacks.

I think people need a secure emotional base in order to be resilient. Resilience doesn't always mean carrying on - sometimes the resilient course is to accept defeat. Then you have to process the emotions that brings.

I encourage my kids to make their own choices and I talk to them about mistakes. I don't cover up when I find things tough and I talk openly when I find a solution. I guess self-sufficiency is linked to resilience, I got them to do a lot of things for themselves. When they moan about homework, I tell them they can choose not to do it. When they moan about school, I say they can choose not to go. I have never told them they have to do something, because it isn't true. They can do as they choose... and deal with the consequences. I can do as I choose too, and they see me choose (what I consider to be) the right thing. I can honestly tell them when they do well you did that yourself, it wasn't anything to do with me, that was your hard work.

Important to remember always that resilience is easy to have when life is not too tough. Some people have a lot to deal with - sometimes just getting up is a major bloody achievement and takes an awful lot. I saw a tweet recently that said resilience should not be confused with survival.

My dc are adults now, and are all resilient.

things I did, that I would do again include:

From when they were quite young, I used to get them to ask adults for something they wanted...... want a biscuit when having coffee after church ? Go and ask the person serving the coffee...... can't find something in a shop? - go and ask the lady / gentleman behind the counter ....... etc.etc Teaches them that people --except on MN-- are almost always willing to help and there is nothing scary about talking to people you don't know, and that, very often it is the most efficient way to resolve your problem

Once they started school, I used to ask them "What would you do if....." questions (for example, you came out of school and couldn't see me...... or ..... you looked up when we were in the supermarket and you couldn't see me.....etc). We'd talk about things like that quite often, just in theory, when we were all eating etc, but they had 'rehearsed' situations in theory before they every happened in practice. I think it became even more useful once they got to secondary, and then on into "What if someone is pressurising you into trying drugs / alcohol / at a party or in the park when you don't want to?" type scenarios, again, when it was all theoretical and they could think of ways they could extract themselves or say no etc.
I also used to invent scenarios sometimes "Someone at work was saying her daughter......{some made up scenario} .... what do you think you would have done if that happened to you?" So we could all talk about what might have been feasible or sensible in that scenario, without any conflict of them "not grassing" on their friends or siblings - it was all 'removed' from them personally, so no-one needed to be defensive.

I did used to help them prepare - so practice the route before they went to secondary, and walk different ways so they knew if they wanted to walk with a friend a slightly different way, they could get back on the route without being lost.

Not make a big fuss if one of us was late collecting them from somewhere. Praise them for doing the right thing.

When issues at school, my first question would always be "Who have you spoken to ? What else do you think you could do ? They knew I would have their backs in a heartbeat if needed, but they learned that usually they could sort out issues by speaking to the right member of staff at the time.

If it was something like forgetting dinner money, they would know I wasn't going to run up to school with it, so they worked out what their options were.

Signed them up to Scouts, and encouraged them to take part in whatever they could.

Leading by example. Ie. If you don’t swear, your kids are less likely to swear.

Also, how you respond to situations. Ie. Toddler falls over and grazes knee, Parent 1 makes a big fuss, child learns it’s serious, parent -02 - reacts less, checks child is okay, then encourages him/her to carry on, child learns to carry on (probably not explained well).

Preparing people for situations. Ie. Going to university - explain how they may find it a little daunting and lonely at first. They then learn this is normal, and not something to worry about.

Happiness comes and goes through life. I don't want to make things right for my child, because I hope to die long before them and they need to be able to do it for themselves, and teach their children how to do it.

Coming onto day this and then read your comment.

I think for little ones simple board games is a great start.

Also having time to let them wrestle with their coats and wellies so they learn to put them on themselves. Very simple examples but so many don't have time to do this as everyone has to be up and out.

I don't want to rescue my children all the time. I want them to feel safe and secure but if they fall down the step into the garden it's ok to just laugh it off and have a rub of the head.

I agree with letting them take risks as a PP said. You don’t suddenly ‘get’ a brave child at 11, you have to allow them to take risks at 6,7,8 etc. Also agree with not solving every problem, I am always going to listen, I’ll often facilitate (pay!) but I’m not there to remove every minor inconvenience or solve every dilemma and they often don’t even want that! It’s us parents rushing in. I model resilience too, talk about minor disappointments at work or whatever, showing how bouncing back is a skill and how ultimately everyone faces set backs.

DS has very little resilience. He's just 4 and if he can't get something right the first time then the world may as well end right there. It's taken lots of encouragement from all the people he loves and trusts to convince him that it's okay to try again and he doesn't have to be perfect at something straight away. He's getting better and starting football club has helped but it's definitely not going to be a fast growing life skill

@ArtetasSmoothBallsack I agree and believe my lack of resilience until I discovered it myself - probably in my early 30s really - was due to controlling and very risk averse parenting. Micro managed, everything solved for me, not taught or encouraged to be self sufficient and grew to believe change and the big wide world were dangerous. I went to uni having no idea how to cook, read a bus timetable, do basically anything for myself!

Then that is very short sighted of them, because the parents won't be around to make everything fluffy forever. And the child needs to develop resilience in order to be happy in the long term as life will no doubt throw some shit at them!

Mine will have ponies. Ponies teach all sorts of life skills, including resilience. They break the odd bone in the process mind and bankrupt the parents….
My pony taught me everything I need to know about the world.

That is an awesome life your DD has, and my DD also benefits from a rural (not farming) lifestyle, but I think it is important to identify the important experiences/lifeskills that they miss out on for them to be really resillient and ready for adult life.

DD (4) has had little exposure to crowds and really loud noise due to where we live, our lifestyle and mostly because of lockdown. I took her to a big bank holiday event, really busy, and big fairground rides, she was a bit quiet and dazed to start with, but soon got into it. Next stop Alton Towers!!

A very good question... but I wonder if it just down to luck at the end of the day? Our DS is very resilient...but both DH and I have high self esteem and confidence and probably that has rubbed off on him? He is an only DC so is used to being around adults (we were older DPs when we had him), also plays a team sport at a fairly high level, loves going off on his own to holiday camps, PGL type activities etc. I agree with a PP we never molly coddled him so he had to 'sort out his own issues' at school etc ... but having said that he's not a sensitive soul so it was easy not to get over invested.
Plus all the usual things like having very strict routines when he was young, not over indulging him, encouraging part time jobs (paper round from 13) etc etc.

Ponies aside (lol) I think not helicoptering and not filling your child's life with endless structured activities goes some way towards this. Allowing them to make mistakes and reassuring them they can get over them is good. Giving them age appropriate independence. Not acting anxious around them. Etc etc.

Someone mentioned board games and yes .... we played board games endlessly from age about two!
And being kind and volunteering... I used to take DS with me when I volunteered - meals on wheels, visiting old folks etc etc .. obviously he was very young at the time but he got the message that kindness and 'thinking about others' is very important and now at 21 he volunteers at his own projects.

@RIPWalter yes that's absolutely us.

Busy places she is very unsure, but I took them myself to Center Parcs a few weeks back and they got into it.

Even simple things for mine like a supermarket I try and add stuff in. Like standing at edge of aisle and asking her to go and chose the apples etc.

Very interesting post. I have always termed it “independence” rather than “resilience”, as I associate resilience with negativity.

I like to see independence as a set of skills. Essential skills. Skills to be broken down and taught to kids. Each problem is an opportunity to learn and gain experience. Children should not be robbed of these opportunities. It takes a lot of effort from the adult to stop everything and analyse the situation together to figure out a plan, listen to the children’s outlandish contributions, then explain further why their suggestions are impractical or brilliant. The only downside is I cannot fully avoid bias as some situations are tricky to explain without personal experience and bias. I wonder if I am sometimes repeating constitutional bias or elitism without thinking.

Too much parental supervision is a manifestation of taking the decision making opportunities away from children, the same as robbing the children the opportunities to learn. When all decisions are made by the parents and often, I am generalising here, such parents do not slow down and listen to the childish/immature suggestions from the children, the young ones do not have the chance or ability to develop such skills.
It is often easier to say “no means no”, “because I said so”, “it’s the way it’s done” etc as efficient means to move along our busy lives but modern day children do not have much other opportunities to learn. Schools certainly do not replace parents in the parenting department. Modern society has turned its back on traditional phenomenon “it takes a village to raise a child” as we are all so very polite and afraid to offend others, irrespective how obscure their children are behaving.

Also peer group is extremely influential on the impressionable young ones (and older ones!). Snowflake behaviour and thinking is often quite contagious, preying on the children and youngsters’ natural desire to belong. Most remain silent in order not to offend. There is tremendous pressure to conform to the “norm” nowadays.
So teaching children to be able to choose to offend is an important skill in my view. by offend I do not mean profanity, but to challenge someone else opinion with logic and respect. To offend someone intentionally, to speak up one’s truth, to risk upsetting another through an active discussion requires courage. The courage to face consequences such as the possibility of being ostracised socially. It requires belief in one self. All of which I find lacking in the current uni students and young adults.

I didn’t mean to write an essay! I happen to have a bit of time right now and this is such an interesting topic.

@Thursday37 second this 😊 ponies (and now horses) are the best teachers for a whole host of life skills

I hope I'll teach my child to be reasonably resilient.

But I also call utter bollocks to the whole tired stereotype of university students being shockingly different now from how they were when we were at university. I've been teaching at university for the past decade and I think they are, by and large, absolutely fine. In many ways they are stronger and more sorted than my generation were.

Even just now, when I taught a class of students who've been absolutely shafted by covid, they were polite and eager and professional. It is true that I was worried about the impact covid has had. It is also true that they struggled with things I would not have expected such an engaged, mature cohort to struggle with. But isn't that true of all of us? We're all being told that the stresses of the past two years have had an impact. Students aren't magically exempt from that stress, and I think you could argue they've had it pretty hard.

So, I'm not actually worrying about resilience just now. I'm hoping the government will step up and put in some support for our children (fat chance ...). I'm hoping they won't suffer too much from cost of living rises and from underfunded schools and from stressed parents who are struggling to make ends meet. But I won't be blaming children for not being 'resilient' until I see any evidence it's actually the children at fault.

I think a lot of this is genetic. I was very well parented - allowed a lot of freedom, encouraged to be back brave and part of a strong close family.

I am very anxious and not at all resilient. I am about to start assessment for ADHD, which I can now see runs in our family, though my dm and df don’t have it.

I have two kids. A year apart. One is super resilient and brushes off challenges or emotional blows that would leave me reeling. The other has their whole day thrown off by the smallest disappointment. While I agree with most of the good points above I do think some people are naturally more resilient than others.

Xp with you @butterflyfox I agree - me and my dbro are the same

Both DDs very resilient and I think it was because neither DH nor I were swoopers. We would put the ball in their court to solve their problems but tell them that if they felt out of their depth they could come to us if necessary.
We also encouraged them to strive for what they wanted and told them succeed or fail is fine by us as long as you try your best.
We have the attached written on a post it note on the fridge.

I'm very interested in this. I recommend people who are interested read The Coddling of the American Mind, which - despite being about the US - is relevant to the UK, too. One thing it shows is the way that Gen Z are incapable of resolving conflict without needing an authority figure to step in and protect them from 'harm'. Interestingly, at the end of the book it recommends ways in which parents might build resilience in their kids. One aspect is teaching children CBT. And what I love even more is that CBT is linked to Stoicism, which is the sanest philosophy for the art of living that I have found.

An interesting conundrum came up about our 8 yo learning to ride a bike. She was finding it tricky, and quite quickly became upset and decided she couldn't do it/it wasn't for her. Her mum felt I was too harsh when saying that giving up before she'd practised or had time to learn was wimping out. I wanted to emphasise the amount of practice needed to be good at anything - all that Growth Mindset stuff. I told 8 yo I had failed my driving test 5 times, and wondered if it was ever going to happen. Now I consider myself to be a very good driver.

I think we need to stamp out the fear of failure so many kids have. Mum and I decided on a compromise on the bike riding problem - she's going to go back to stabilisers (as she didn't have much practise with those before the pandemic) and we'll see if she can gain some confidence that way.