How will you ensure that you have a 'resilient' child

[TimeToLose8]

I have recently spent some time discussing this with others:

A student support person at a local university bemoans the fact that students have a lot less resilience now, they need so much more support at University - they are so used to mum/dad sorting out their problems that they can't do this for themselves.

Then I spoke to a detective (same university town) who said that the students that found themselves in trouble did not have the skills to work out when they were crossing some sort of 'line'.

And then I walked past a primary school at the end of the day. The majority of the children skipped out, not a care in the world, followed by the pack horse of a carer/parent carrying coat/book bag/sports kit/bike/scooter and I wondered whether this is where it starts.

So, tell me, and more importantly, other parents, how you will be ensuring that your children will be RESILIENT, be able to face whatever life throws at them, and NOT be dependent upon you, the parent, to solve their problems.

As for the 'pack horse parent' - just buy your child a back pack!

It is a myth that siblings are brought up the same. Families frequently assign behavioural 'roles' to family members.

It's encouraging them to make their own choices. Give guidance but ultimately they need to make choices through life. Teach then about sensible choices so when they make decisions without you they are thinking about their actions and the consequences.

Teach them consequences and follow through, their actions are their choice but if bad choices mean consequences then they have to deal with that.

Teach them they are important but not the most important. Don't tell them they are special or better than anyone else, understanding they are special to you but just another person in the real world saves disappointment later. Other people have valid opinions too. Don't big them up beyond their capabilities (or they might end up as a joke act on Britain's Got Talent!)

Teach them to listen, to understand, to empathise.

Teach them to own their choices, good or bad. Ownership and accountability is important, not just celebrating the successes. Not all choices are good or bad, some are just different.

Teach them to have confidence in their choices, even if they choose the path less trodden. Encourage them to follow their dreams but only if they are realistic. Don't follow the flock if they are heading in another direction. Have confidence in who they are, how they look, how they are as a friend.

Encourage them to try and try again. Giving up in frustration is normally temper related. If necessary go back to it at another time. Teach them that sometimes there are rules to follow and you have to follow them.

Model all of the above, lead by example. Fake it until you make it if necessary.

I think it’s very important to make them do something that they’re not very good at. My son finds school easy. He is very bright, sociable and has lots of friends. He is always at the top of his class. Nothing is hard for him at school. However, he is not so good at sports. So I make him do a team sport. He will never love it and initially hated it but we’ve reached the point of a grudging acceptance. And to be honest, I am more proud of the fact that he’s become a reasonably competent player in his sport than I am of him getting top marks at school. That’s because he finds sport hard and schoolwork easy.

Agree

Ah makes sense. Hopefully this has filled an evening for the OP if nothing else.

No I don’t think they are saying that, it is both, I see alot of people patting themselves on the back about what wonderful parents they are when they have very easy children to parent.

Hmm. Interesting. There was a similar thread last week about resilience, but this is a bit different.

Definitely not the case with us! Oh boy, if only you knew! 😆

Just having a read of this this morning. All very sobering.
WHAT HAPPENED TO AMERICAN CHILDHOOD?
Too many kids show worrying signs of fragility from a very young age. Here’s what we can do about it.
By Kate Julian

You’re right it starts at primary and helicopter parenting is definitely a massive issue. I see it with so many of my friends’ kids. And I do think carrying their bags is a small but important part of it. Also being responsible for packing their bags and knowing what they need. It’s not resilience per se but being responsible for their own possessions can lead to more resilience when things go wrong.

Not over diagnosing “anxiety” would also help. Kids worrying about things is perfectly natural - they don’t all need a diagnosis 🙄.

Can you tell me more about what helped not to get sucked into that. It’s an interesting point that I’d not really thought about before.

Not for those of us with two children - one resilient and one not.

Totally agree, i was a pushed into music exams (on my own in an unfamiliar room in old georgian building or church with a strange man I'd never met before) and eisteddfods from around 6 years old and found it terrifying and nauseating. To this day I fall apart in job interviews with the same anxiety as I felt as a small child and this has massively held me back in my career relative to my ability levels.

How many of us do roles because we fell into them, because they are familiar but don’t really make us happy? Maybe resilience is NOT about sticking at things at all. Maybe it’s about not being afraid - not being afraid to make changes instead of conforming and merely existing???

i think the OP imagines they are rejecting modern parenting culture though of course starting a provocative HOW PARENTS ARE FAILING THEIR KIDS thread completely buys into it

The nature nuture debate is an interesting one.

The most resilient person I know by a large margin (what she has suffered in the last 2 decades would floor even the strongest person and what she has achieved despite this is phenomenal), is the DD of a self made millionaire who was awaiting news on his peerage when he died, and a doctor who in her 70s stepped up and worked on ICU during the first Covid wave. She has great genes but also awesome role models. She loves her children fiercly but due to her business and political commitments they are frequently left to fend for themselves (7 & 10), she is my parenting role model.

My honest thought to OP was not to lumber one's child with the sort of pearl-clenching anxieties that are rife on MN. "OMG, you haven't changed your pants in the last 24 hours, the world will fall in !!" type stuff. Ditto for neuroses about cleanliness, grades, "sexism", boob-size, resentments, and a million other things oft discussed on MN. I've started to figure out that people in my life ridden with anxiety see themselves as morally superior : they see their anxieties as required and essential for them to be "a good person". Give over.

I think @lljkk has it. If you're worrying about whether carrying bags or whatever will lead to a resilient adult, you've probably already lost the battle. If you haven't really noticed what's happening to the bags because you're too busy laughing at your children shooting off to chat to their friends, like they haven't just spent all day with them, you're probably fine.

I think @lljkk has it. If you're worrying about whether carrying bags or whatever will lead to a resilient adult, you've probably already lost the battle. If you haven't really noticed what's happening to the bags because you're too busy laughing at your children shooting off to chat to their friends, like they haven't just spent all day with them, you're probably fine.

@Relavie
This isn’t reliance though? This is independence. I was raised just like that and consequently was capable of looking after myself and making decisions from a very early age.
It did not make me resilient emotionally as a young adult. I had very poor self esteem. I was terrified to take risks and to fail. I developed depression and despite being very academic I left university without finishing. Being confident in your ability to do practical things can definitely make you feel a bit more resilient but it’s only a small part. Strong connection and positive self worth are so much more important.

It's an interesting question and one I've thought about a lot. I've often found that the times my kids show the most resilience is when I've been a bit busy and not always available (although I am around a lot, and they always know they can talk to me about stuff). So for me it's been about achieving the right balance of having a lot of my own stuff to focus on which hasn't given me the time or brain-space to over-think what's going on in their lives.

I did do quite a lot of carrying stuff when they were at primary but that doesn't seem to have had a lasting impact ! I think as long as you're not still doing it when they're 13 it's probably fine...

Society/school culture has a lot to answer for though - very hard to be instantly resilient at age 18, when you've not be allowed to walk to and from school until age 11, not been allowed to pursue and take responsibility for your own learning age 15 because your job is to learn what you need to learn to pass your GCSEs etc, etc

So many people mixing up resilience and independence. Independence on the child's terms can help foster resilience, having to be independent does not. The most independent child I know (he's learned to be because his parents are uninterested) is also the least resilient.

Resilient means able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult things - so you get rejected by a job, dumped by your girlfriend and you are able to cope and move on from it. You're mixing it up with independence OP. My mum wanted to make me independent, she made it very clear as soon as I finished uni I needed a job and to not come home, she mad my life miserable when i did end up at home. I ended up marrying the wrong person and in a series of dead end jobs because of it. What I needed was support.

Fuck independence I will be there to support mine till the end of their days. And in supporting them I hope to help them build resilience.

Love and life skills.
Love and a secure attachment with their parent helps them to feel safe emotionally. They're more willing to take a risk as they have a safety net.
Life skills will help them to be able to figure out how to deal with situations and have the confidence to know they can deal with things.
Chores and responsibilities are really helpful for this as well as asking them how they can deal with a situation without immediately rescuing them.
Taking them out regularly and travelling so they encounter the outside world and different environments and situations.
I also think hard work comes in to play as well. How easy is it to change things in your life or cope without working at it? It's easier to be resilient if you have a base that gives you options, like decent exam results or skills.

I will simply have them read this aloud, nightly.