How will you ensure that you have a 'resilient' child

[TimeToLose8]

I have recently spent some time discussing this with others:

A student support person at a local university bemoans the fact that students have a lot less resilience now, they need so much more support at University - they are so used to mum/dad sorting out their problems that they can't do this for themselves.

Then I spoke to a detective (same university town) who said that the students that found themselves in trouble did not have the skills to work out when they were crossing some sort of 'line'.

And then I walked past a primary school at the end of the day. The majority of the children skipped out, not a care in the world, followed by the pack horse of a carer/parent carrying coat/book bag/sports kit/bike/scooter and I wondered whether this is where it starts.

So, tell me, and more importantly, other parents, how you will be ensuring that your children will be RESILIENT, be able to face whatever life throws at them, and NOT be dependent upon you, the parent, to solve their problems.

As for the 'pack horse parent' - just buy your child a back pack!

Bloody hell sheepandcaravan I don't think anyone would come through that unscathed , the very fact you can still get up in the morning says a lot about your inner strength. Sending you a big unmumsnet hug 🤗

I meant to quote saleorbouy

Doing things for themselves and making mistakes. Letting them fail, make a mess, break a few things. Teach them how to fix the issue.
Preschool
Small things like learning to climb up and down stairs safely when they were crawling- everyone does this right?

Mine had a cupboard in the kitchen with plastic cups, bowls, spoons and their cereal. They could get their own cereal and pour it out themselves- yes it was messy but they learnt and they loved getting the pan and brush to sweep up the mess.

Not fixing things so they win at board games.

They carried their own school bags, coats and jumpers etc.

If we went out for they day the would help pack lunches and carry it themselves.

They have been in clubs and youth groups that do team building and problem solving from quite young as well.
As they got older
Discussing anxiety, talking about the what and why, worse case scenario and how to deal with these.
Doing things that were just out of their comfort zones, pushing a bit further each time.

Independence, I've pretty much always been a fairly skint single parent so the older ones both had paper rounds then Saturday jobs from fairly young. Working with the general public definitely helps with resilience

Plus not being able to drive means they've had to get themselves around since the teen years . Also the usual being able to cook /clean etc for themselves

I'm not surprised about how many of the teens from ds2s year that have dropped out of uni this past year. They don't seem to be able to cope with getting themselves about, studying and working part time and dealing with people without their parents being there telling them what to do

I think this is really interesting. I've discussed it recently with a friend.

I think sometimes as parents it's a narrative we tell ourselves to make us feel better about decisions (in my case divorcing their Dad).

I am not sorry I divorced him and the kids seem fine (they're teenagers and it was ages ago) but really I just thought 'they'll cope because they have to'. It wouldn't have occurred to me to offer additional support.

This is a clumsy example and nobody should stay in a bad relationship but in my case it was a good crutch to tell myself 'kids are resilient'.

I want my DC’s to be emotionally resilient and the best way I know to do that is to try my hardest to ensure they have strong and positive attachments to myself and my husband, alongside building a growth mindset and teaching them to risk assess for themselves adequately (ie not jump in when I think they are in a situation involving risk), with my kids (who are toddler and baby sized) this looks like “I see your climbing up on the —- baby, how does your foot feel? Does you feel steady? How will you get down?” Rather than jumping in with “be careful!” Or ‘get down baby that’s not safe”.

i see this in the workplace. Lots of younger employees struggle with independence and initiative. They have unrealistic expectations about promotions but expect to be micro managed and spoon fed. I have young members of my team who think they should have my job, while at the same time thinking I should guide them step by step while they do their job. As soon as they hit a barrier they come to me rather than try and solve it themselves. This didn’t happen with people at their level ten years ago. Lockdown has of course made this worse.

I am not a parent but an issue seems to be an overly inflated view of their own abilities. This is tricky because we need to boost kids self confidence - we tell kids they can be anything they want, but maybe we missed the ‘but you have to work for it’ part of the message. There is an obsession with parents intervening to make sure everything is fair (or works out for their child), when in my day we were told to suck it up - life isn’t always fair.

it’s hard because you want to fight for your kids, and make sure they always feel supported. But when those training wheels come off it can be traumatic - particularly if it happens at university or at their first job.

I’m going to say resilience is partly just the luck of the child you get. I know lots of siblings brought up completely the same who have a completely different level of resilience to setbacks or challenges.

I will also say I have been contacted by parents of twenty something years olds - once to check what time a twenty three year old should report to me in his first day and once when a twenty five year old felt her annual report wasn’t sufficiently positive.

these are highly paid, competitive graduate positions.

I despise parents who walk with empty hands next to a young child carrying a heavy rucksack while barking ‘hurry up’ like some sadistic TA sergeant major 🤷‍♀️

I teach my child a kind heart, a keen mind, good manners, a work ethic and a sense of humour, and to watch his back.

Overload your child with crap to carry if you must. We’ll see who ends up where.

I agree with this

Overload your child with crap to carry if you must. We’ll see who ends up where.

I really dont think its going to make a difference. By the time they get to secondary school they have to carry the overload of crap themselves anyway 🙄

Actually from year 5 when they start walking to school and back on their own

I think this is a good response. Thinking about myself, I could say I’m resilient in some ways. I do a difficult job and have always stuck at it. Not off sick. Reliable to get stuff done. Always have been. So not flakey. Have had a few challenges (dysfunctional relationships & divorce) and got through that. But in some ways I’m not resilient. Haven’t pushed myself out of my comfort zone career wise; haven’t striven for great achievements. But all this is relative. I had a safe upbringing, sheltered from want, poverty, much loved. Parents were very present and had time for me. As such I’ve never been super tested, and when I’ve had some challenges I’ve been able to overcome them, with a lot of grumbling and leaning on my support system (parents). So am I resilient? I honestly don’t know.

in regards to the OP. I don’t think it’s a question of more / less resilient. Current culture favours asking for help, showing vulnerability, it’s acceptable to show you are struggling. In the past, people did everything to hide if they were struggling. Being vulnerable or asking for help were seen as problematic. In a really difficult situation, most people will deal with it if they have to. I don’t think that’s changed. What’s changed are the perceptions around struggling and being imperfect.

Finally how can you tell whether one person is more resilient than another? Someone coming from a safe base may be able to tackle inconveniences with apparent ease; someone who is as a baseline, dealing with difficulties, may find it harder to tackle adversity.

I totally agree with this.

Your examples aren't really about 'resilience'.

I make them walk five miles to school in the snow. If it isn't snowing we wait until it is. If their bags aren't heavy I put bricks in them.

Child development person here.

A secure attachment with a couple of caregivers and a lot of focus on ages 0-5. Having an adult model empathy. Opportunities to explore different feelings and emotions healthily - ie not demonising or punishing tantrums or crying. Giving a child the opportunity to be set up for success.

And also, just as importantly: independence from an early age. So toy shelves low enough for baby to grab at toys alone. Time for free, independent play. A child-sized wardrobe for children to choose their own clothes. Letting children go to the shop or play out as they get older.

With a secure attachment where emotions are validated AND enough independence to ensure a child can independently explore those thoughts and feelings, you will find a resilient child.

If you do one but not the other you will either have a child who can't cope with their emotions alone, or an overly independent child who doesn't feel they can rely on anyone. Neither is good!

Their school is always banging on about taking kids out of their comfort zone to build resilience, well yes if you have a resilient child then challenging them might increase confidence however for others I have no doubt it's the start of building mental health issues.

This is an interesting one. I was extremely lacking in confidence as a child and my well-meaning parents were always trying to push me out of my comfort zone. I don’t think it helped my anxiety at all and in fact, I sometimes wonder if it made it worse!

Don’t give them the false idea that they’re the absolutely perfect centre of your universe around which you and everyone else orbits. No one can live up to that pressure.
Let them fail and know it’s okay, and teach them how to recover from it by speaking about what went wrong and asking for help so it doesn’t happen again.
Say no to them. Often. Boundaries make kids feel safer. Be their parent, not their friend.
If they run out of school and hurl their bag at you to carry, this is something you have taught them. Walk away from the bag and ask them where it is when you get to the school gate. Send them back for it. (Can’t tell you the number of times that’s happened with my kids. They all stopped doing it after a couple of weeks.)
Give them chores for reward (money) and give them “responsibilities” that are age-appropriate, reasonable and achievable. (We have a list of paid chores the kids can choose from, and a list of responsibilities that rotate from kid to kid monthly.)
Teach them that it’s okay to set boundaries with their friends.
Celebrate results, but celebrate improvements too.

I have no idea and it’s something I really worry about. Ds is 11 but is autistic and isn’t safe to do things by himself so he’s never been anywhere other than school without a parent or grandparent being present. I really worry what will happen to him when we are not around, I’ve done very small things to try and make him more independent but it’s never going to be enough, it’s hard enough sometimes getting through the days as it is

@Morph22010 same with my dd10. She is desperate to start walking home alone in year 6 but I am scared to let her as she's not very streetwise.

Are those saying resilience is genetic simply abdicating the responsibility parents have to teach and model it?

so when my university student struggles, it is my fault for not ensuring they are resilient?

“So, tell me, and more importantly, other parents, how you will be ensuring that your children will be RESILIENT, be able to face whatever life throws at them, and NOT be dependent upon you, the parent, to solve their problems.”

Where is the OP? Now that everyone has jumped to it and responded to this command, what is your contribution? What is your view, OP, and how are you ensuring RESILIENCE in your children?

I don't think the OP is in need of tips @RichTeaRichTea , they're retired. TBH I thought journalist at first but now I just think they're bored.

OP - did none of your new hobbies really catch your attention after all then? Maybe time to start looking around again.