When did you decide to have a second (or stick with one)? And why?

[december2020]

DS is coming to 18 months and I've started thinking about trying for a second. He's super energetic and hands on, so I don't think I'd be ready to try until he's 2.5 years old (not that the energy part will disappear then, I know).

DH is adamant that he's one and done (he's worried we'd get a second energy bomb). It makes me a little sad but I can accept that, the last thing I would do is force someone to have a child. However, he won't let me get rid of any of the baby stuff yet (clothes, next to me etc.). So we decided we'll make a final decision in a years time.

So I would love to hear on when you decided to have another baby or decided not to have one and what led you to that decision.

Me and DH always felt we wanted at least 2, although we were open to just 1 in the sense that we knew we might change our mind after the first. We didn't, though. We both felt 'ready' when DC1 was about 18m but we felt it wasn't the right time for practical reasons (DH's career/job situation, and the financial implications of that), so we waited longer. It only took us a few months to conceive and there is roughly 3.5yrs between my 2 who are now just about to turn 4, and 6 mo. They adore each other and have done since day 1 and watching their bond is magical. It is bloody hard work but tbh DC1 has always been so difficult we are used to the challenging life in many respects hah.

We always knew that if we were going to have one child then we were going to have a minimum of 2, because we both have siblings and didn't want an only child. And we both have a 2 year gap with our next sibling so we wanted similar for our first 2 children (we might have a third but haven't committed to that idea just yet). Our son has been a bad sleeper so we also figured we'd just be best getting all the sleepless nights and baby years out of the way close together 😆 Started TTC baby #2 from the point we knew there would be a 2 year gap, and got lucky on the first month!

We had an 8 year age gap between our 2 due to several miscarriages and trying on and off. Thrilled we ended up having 2, no matter the age gap. Wish sometimes we had managed 3 but too old now for more!

I have considered more but I find parenthood exhausting and worrying 🤐

I was one and done.

I waddled out of hospital 3 hours post birth, secured DS's car seat in, waddled to the front passenger seat sat in, turned to DS's father looked him square in the eye and said "like fuck am I ever doing that again. One and done!" 🤣 Never changed my mind since.

I hated being pregnant, I hated labour, I hated birth I just hated it all! Then DS decided to be a "I don't need sleep and don't like to feed" baby. Wore me down, I went back to work when he was 16 weeks just to feel human again 😳🤣

I love him dearly, I cherish him. But yeah one and done!

I worry ds will be lonely. He's the only child of divorced parents. He has no cousins and is unlikely to do so. I had fertility treatment and he was born prem. Honestly I kind of feel like I've done my bit. I just wish there were other blood relatives for him.

Prior to marriage we didn’t want any.

a few months after marriage we decided to have one but we’re adamant we’d only have one.

When he was about 18 months I started craving another and although my husband was very resistant at first, after about a year of to- ing and fro-ing he agreed to try for a second baby.

It took a while to get pregnant so ultimately our second baby wasn’t born until our eldest was 3.5 years old which was a bigger gap than I would have liked but it’s all worked out fine.

The main driving factor for me was that I didn’t want our son to be an only child.

I had mine very close together (13 months apart- must admit.. neither one planned) and they couldn't be more different.
My eldest sounds a lot like yours. She's very active (8yr old) and she will not sit still, we had issues with sleep for a few months with her let me tell you!
However my son is the exact opposite. Super chilled out, loves lounging around the house all day in Pjs and has always slept well.
He was late to the walking party when he was a toddler but he was actually out of nappies (at night) quicker than my DD.
I don't think anyone ever has two kids exactly the same. I think that's what makes it quite exciting. You can have an absolute fire rocket and then a lazy little beach bum!

Sorry I should have mentioned.
The first 2 years were hell, they didn't sleep at the same time so it was really bad plus looking after a newborn whilst you have an extremely active 13 month old who is hell bent on causing harm to herself was not fun! However now it's so much easier.
We're glad we had to them closer together; get all the sleepless nights out of the way all at once and the nappy stage.

12 year age gap here.

I was adamant I didn't want more children.

Then I turned 30, planning a 3rd in a year or two.

We always wanted more than one, for sharing the burden of dealing with elderly parents. Ie us!

A child is a person, not a present to be ‘given’ to an existing child. Those of you saying I must give my child a sibling are telling me to bring a child into the world that I don’t want. Do you think that would work out well for anyone involved?

I feel the same bookworm. At nearly 36 I fear my window is closing anyway.

There are always people who come onto these threads to say they hated being an only child and that you must ‘give’ your child a sibling at all costs. Strangely enough those who grew up hating their sibling/s don’t tend to pop up and say ‘I hated my sibling, therefore please don’t give your own child one or they will have a miserable childhood’. They seem better able to grasp that you can’t always extrapolate from your own personal experience.

Or there are fewer people who hate their siblings to the degree where they wish they didn’t exist?

Also, where are all the people saying ‘I was a happy only’?

I don’t think only children are all unhappy, and parents these days are much more likely to be aware of potential downsides and work to reduce them, but I’m not sure about your logic.

I was an only child until I was 11, so take that how you want.

We decided on a 3 year gap so when ds1 was at nursery I'd have one to one time with ds2. It seems a nice gap, now they are 9 & 6 and okay together well.
I'm currently pregnant with ds3. I'm happy with this gap too as the other 2 are at school and I'll have all day with ds3. I do worry about the closeness with his siblings a little though as there will be quite a big gap!

Plenty of people don’t get on with their siblings, and there are plenty of happy only children.

Pretty much at birth, mainly due to age and the fact it was so difficult for us to get him here, and the pregnancy was so tricky and Ds was poorly at birth (he’s fine now).
I think if one of the earlier pregnancies/ losses had been viable we might have tried again. I don’t think I could go through it all again and we’re so happy right now.

Other things that cross my mind are the fact we’d have to forego some things, such as holidays and working part time, to have another, plus as it stands we can financially support Ds to some degree to give him a leg up, whereas we couldn’t do that with 2. Also he’s no bother, and I fear having another that isn’t ha!

for reference I have siblings who I loved growing up with and we’re really close now, and DH has siblings he doesn’t speak to! So I can see both sides and I think you have to make a decision based on your own feelings and circumstances.

@thewindbeneathmywings I’m the youngest by quite a lot of years and I’ve always been really close to my siblings - now as adults the age gap is meaningless. As youngsters I got well looked after by them, and my parents ensured that I wasn’t annoying by keeping me out of the way of their time with their friends when they were teens ha. I wouldn’t worry!

I’d always wanted 2. It took years to get pregnant with DC1, so tried again for DC2 quite quickly, age was also an issue by this time. DC2 took 3.8 years to arrive and we were delighted that we managed to have 2 just before I turned 40. Not sure that particular age gap was great for our two, but it is what it is!

I knew even before I had my DS that I would only ever want one DC ... in fact for years I was adamant that I didn't want DC and we had been married 12 years when we agreed to stop using contraception and 'see what happened'. I just never, ever wanted another and, 20 years later, I don't regret my decision. It's hard to know with absolute certainty that it was the right choice for my DS but he appears happy, confident and has a wide circle of friends .... my own DM is an only DC and is the most confident person I know ... despite being nearly 90 she has many, many friends and interests.

When I see people struggling with the stress of raising DC ... both emotionally and financially I just know I would have found it hard to cope with the 'busyness' of having more then one DC.

We had two at once but I think the longer you leave it the worse it gets if you're concerned about the workload.

Mine have been (beyond) hard work for years but they'll both be going to school together in September.

That old argument about having more than one DC to 'share the burden of looking after elderly parents' is really unfair and short sighted, surely we do not have DC just so that we can be looked after when we are older?
And being older myself & seeing friends care for aged DPs it is nearly always the case that the care falls to just one sibling usually female and what if your DC emigrate or just don't want to be carers ... and it can be a major source of falling out between siblings.

We always wanted two. Planned to start thinking about it when DD1 was 1.
DD2 was born 1 year and 9 months after DD2.

The jury was out on a third until DD2 was three or so. We weren't 100% careful. Then we realised one day DD2 would be at school before any future baby was born .. and the desire completely disappeared. We liked the freedom we were getting. DH had the snip when DD2 was 4.

I think if we had waited we wouldn't have had DD2 as we enjoyed introducing them to climbing, skiing waterspoets etc. We were quite young when we had them by current standards... 25/26 for me, 27/28 for DH. Mid thirties now, and quite happy we had them then.

Almost 6yrs between mine. I wanted to wait until my daughter started school before having another. TBH I wasn't bothered about having another, I was knackered, but my ExH was a single child and didn't want our daughter to be and my daughter had started asking for a sibling. I fell pregnant with my son after 3mths at 34.
They've always been very close all through childhood and still are - he currently uses her as him and his girlfriends taxi driver! This age gap worked for us and I've seen many under 3yr apart siblings not get on at all and hardly see each other now their older.
There's 18 mths between me and my sister - we were quite close when small but used to wind each other up A LOT and their was a lot of sibling rivalry, then hated each other when teens and twenties. She moved out at 16 thankfully!
We became close again when she became pregnant and have stayed that way.