When did you decide to have a second (or stick with one)? And why?

[december2020]

DS is coming to 18 months and I've started thinking about trying for a second. He's super energetic and hands on, so I don't think I'd be ready to try until he's 2.5 years old (not that the energy part will disappear then, I know).

DH is adamant that he's one and done (he's worried we'd get a second energy bomb). It makes me a little sad but I can accept that, the last thing I would do is force someone to have a child. However, he won't let me get rid of any of the baby stuff yet (clothes, next to me etc.). So we decided we'll make a final decision in a years time.

So I would love to hear on when you decided to have another baby or decided not to have one and what led you to that decision.

I think it’s more recognising that there will be some looking after in old age and trying to make that easier for your children.

Definitely one and done - age is a big factor as is money/lifestyle and also environmental factors. I do think we should all be having smaller families.

We thought we'd probably stick to one when we were having DD, although I have had a slight urge for a second at around 6 months PP but it was just hormones, at 32 months I think it is definitely the right thing. DD is easy and a delight, our family unit is just lovely as it is and there is no-one missing. I am 100% sure it's the right thing for us and DH absolutely doesn't want a second at 50+

Before we got married we talked about wanting two children ( We both knew that could change but that’s what we both wanted before we knew any better ). I really wanted a house full of kids but I don’t have the mental capacity to have more than two 😂! My two boys are 20 months apart and it’s hard work but I love it .

We have occasionally been like hmmmm maybe a third ? Lol . But then we are both like nah ! Two is perfect for us.

I think I always knew but DH was very on the fence. I didn't want DC1 to be an only child, I really feel there are social/emotional benefits to having siblings. I didn't put any pressure on him whatsoever though, he is an amazing co-parent and I really trust his judgement and would never want to have contributed to any regret or resentment on his part by trying to sway his decision either way- he said this was part of the reason he came around, that he felt he had enough space to mull it over. I was so relieved when he decided he was on board, I think I would have been so disappointed if he had decided he didn't want more than one.

I don't know if our age gap is too much (5.5 years) but I know DC1 is so loving, affectionate, excited about it and it's really beautiful to have them so involved. Maybe it would have been better to do it earlier but we weren't really ready emotionally, financially, logistically. We were lucky in that 1 cycle in ttc I was pregnant so no waiting, shock at the time but very happy about it now.

DS is a only, he's never asked for a brother or sister and he is 7 now. He has sports clubs, social clubs, he's one of the most popular children in his class.

I am one of two. Me and my brother "get along". However he lives 2 hours away and I live ten minutes from mother and grandmother. All care responsibility falls to me as they get older.

My grandmother had 2 children, one passed away when she was 39 of ovarian cancer, leaving just my mum. My nan outlived her child.

So

a) not sure why people say "only children are lonely"

B) me and my sibling are both alive and well but everything falls to me.

C) sadly just because you have two, doesn't necessarily mean both children will be around in your old age.

From the start, DH and I knew we wanted at least 2.

I have fertility issues, so it took 3 years to conceive DC1. Despite the known issues, the minimum age gap I wanted was 2 1/2, so we were going to start trying when DC1 was 21 months. Just in case of a miracle.

What happened in the end was I had thoverwhelming urge to start trying when DC1 was 17 months. So we did. As we knew what drugs helped I was taking them. We got very lucky, and I conceived after only 4 1/2 months. So there's an 2 1/2 year age gap!

Pretty early on. DD was a terrible sleeper, I had some awful experiences with the midwives and health professionals post-birth and at the time we would have needed to try for another, I just wasn't psychologically prepared to go through it again.

By the time I did feel like I could possibly do it, the window of opportunity had passed. I wouldn't want more than about a 2-2.5 year age gap, they're not going to be close or good company for one another if they're 4, 5 or 6 years apart.

If it helps there is 2 years between me and my sibling. My childhood was lonely!

I was 37 when I had my DS and probably would have had another but DH really wasn't keen on having another - he hated both his siblings and was pretty much NC with them by then, so couldn't bear the thought of that repeating itself. I didn't want to have another unless he was fully committed.
I have always felt a bit guilty about it and I know DS has sometimes felt it and was quite lonely at times but I don't regret it. Fortunately he met his best friend at nursery and they have been as close as brothers ever since, not quite the same but lots of benefits.
He said he always wanted lots of kids but he has a baby now and DGF says she doesn't want another so we will see.

I have 1 child and we are happy with just 1.
I have a sibling and my husband has 3 siblings.

For me, as my parents get older all care will fall to me, my sibling is in no position to contribute financially and if current trends continue i will 'inherit' them as someone to support also.
We have always butted heads from childhood as we are completely different people - not all siblings are best friends!
Do i wish they didnt exist - No of course not - but they aren't going to be much help to me as our parents get older.

Its my choice if i have another child and i wont have one out of obligation, i will ensure there are things in place for my child as we get older to support.

We enjoy being able to go on holidays and give our child extras in life we wouldnt be able to if we had more.
Plus i was very sick when i was pregnant and have no desire to do that again - add in a pandemic and i'm put off for life to be honest.

I always wonder when I read these types of threads if anyone else worries about the impact on work as much as I do? I think I want another, although I don't want to be pregnant this year and I am mid thirties so while it's not like time is running out I don't have forever! But trying to balance financial impact of two, work, my age is just making my head explode!

My daughter was stillborn in 2017, I was 36 then. It took 18 months to get pregnant again with my son and I had him when I was 38 and it was a super stressful pregnancy and then his sleep was awful. He’s 3 and amazing but I’m 42 this year and just knackered so no more for us ! I feel sad sometimes because he’d make an amazing older brother but I’m knackered, we don’t have enough bedrooms or money! So lots of friends around for him coz he’s a sociable little man.
did I mention I’m knackered?! 😫

I always wanted two, even before I met DH. But life happened. We have fertility issues and needed IVF. The treatment was physically very difficult, even though we succeeded first time. Then I had horrible HG, and a difficult delivery. I still wanted a second though, right up to when DD was about 2. I think it was the hormones! After that point - nope, I was definitely one and done. I couldn't face more IVF, more sickness, more sleeplessness. DH got there much more quickly - for him, the reality of facing more IVF, self-funded, when we were older and therefore less likely to succeed hit him much sooner.

DD is nearly 8, and I have no regrets at all.

I know this sounds awful but is anyone worried about disabilities with the 2nd .? I feel lucky to have 1 child who is healthy up to now! I'm worried about rolling the dice again

We always knew we didn’t only want one.
theres 4 years between DC1 and 2 and 19 months between 2 & 3. I am contemplating a 4th but DD is 10 next and I think the gap is too big.

@TypicallyTopically no. Some disabilities don’t manifest until later in life anyway so there’s no telling that your 1st will never be disabled.

Had three, none were planned and I still don't understand how I got pregnant with my third. I was sterilized at 28 to ensure there were no more " surprises ".

So, to answer your question, nature decided it for me which is a bit "hit and miss" to be honest. It really needs to be a joint decision so you are both on board with it. Luckily it worked out for me because I married the right guy and we could afford it, just.

DH wanted a 2 year gap; I wanted a 3 year gap. I didn’t get my period back until 2 years pp so we started trying then. Got pregnant fairly quickly and would have had almost exactly a 3 year gap but miscarried. Now more than 4 years on from the miscarriage and sadly no second baby. So you can’t always plan these things!

On a side point many older women I work with confide they wished they'd just had one child.

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories so far and sorry for the late reply - I didn't get any notifications that people had posted!

I'm definitely finding myself more broody in the last week or two. While DS is still a total energy bomb, it's like he's suddenly become such a little dude and slowly losing more and more of the 'baby hardships'. 2 DC feels 'just right' - though DH is still a shellshocked from the first and definitely not ready yet (if ever) ha!

Yes, this! One of my colleagues is an only child and I've seen them struggling with the sole burden of their ageing parents.

Also so they'd have someone else in the world when we're gone.

Also I hoped they'd play together, though I know it's not guaranteed! Thankfully they do so far.

@december2020

When I had my son I was thinking right I’m done one is enough but when he got to 3 I felt bad he was alone, ended up having DD when he was 5

now they are 16 & 10 it’s brilliant they have a fantastic relationship now I wish I’d had more but I’m too old and tired lol

and to think I never wanted any children when I was younger !! 😂

Nothing wrong with having an only child.

Having a 2nd so your first has someone to play with, or is another carer for you when you're old and senile, doesn't sit right with me.

You have a child because you want another child.

@disneyblueeyes totally agree with you.

@Disneyblueeyes I'm not ashamed that we had our second so that our first wouldn't be an only child. DH is an only and was lonely as a kid and bore the brunt of slightly dysfunctional parents without any siblings to confide or share with. He didn't want our boy to have a similar childhood - I have siblings that I adore so I agreed with him. You're entitled to your opinion of course, but my opinion is that having 1 kid by choice is selfish, so there :)

@december2020 FWIW our age gap is 3.5 years, slightly more than I'd have chosen because we had to wait for my thyroid to get back to normal range... Upsides of this gap are only one in nappies at a time, and an older sibling with enough words to express their feelings, so very little acting out when little one arrived. Now they are great with each other, really make each other laugh, super-close and affectionate, everything we'd hoped for. Also going from 1-2 was a much more manageable adjustment than going from 0-1! Much less shell-shock and PTSD :) DS2 was an easy lovely baby and super chill and we have zero regrets.

Not going for 3rd though - I don't want more kids than I have hands to grab them! :)