Should she have said goodbye to my kids?

[PinkAndViolet]

Met a new friend about 10 months ago. My kids really liked her too and because of this they got quite close as we spent a lot of time all together.
The kids started playing up a bit when alone with her so she reported. DH didn't really believe this was the case as didn't seem in character with the children, we had a bust up etc. I can see it upset DH and always want to defend him as my husband so that was that.
Unfortunately the kids got really upset when they found out what had happened and the realisation that she won't ever see them again. I can't help but think she should have said goodbye to them. It's been a few months now and they still get upset when talking about her. I know they will get over it soon but do you think that when adults fall out, they should be mature enough to put the kids first?

Oh and no she shouldn’t have said goodbye to your kids. They sound like little brats to be honest but you and DH should’ve parented therm better to start with.

What’s she gonna do? Come over and say to the kids, “sorry I can’t see you again!” Even a card wouldn’t be appropriate and the kids don’t need to see it. It would reinforce in their minds that their bad behaviour was right (in a screwed up way) and that she as the adult in the caring scenario was wrong.

This has got to be a joke surely!
If not you are very entitled and actually quite deranged.

So this good friend of yours watched your children so you and your DH didn’t need to find alternative childcare.

The kids misbehaved (as they were can do when someone new looks after them) so she told this to you and you fell out with her for ‘lying’.

Now you want her to go out of her way to say goodbye!

WTAF!!

1 - you and your DH should be apologising to her and never letting anyone else look after your children.

2 - there’s absolutely no need to tell your children anything - just phase her out.
If they ask if she’s coming say no she’s busy we’ll have to see about another time instead etc - they don’t need to know you’ve fallen out.

Having read this thread and your last thread on this issue.

The exfriend owes you nothing. To assume otherwise is utter batshittery.

Oh yes I remember your last thread.

So initially you were annoyed with her as she spoke to you about your DH not believing her so you accused her of ‘pitting you against each other’ and wanted her out of your life.

Now after you’ve fallen out you’re annoyed with her still but this time it’s because she hasn’t made an effort to come back into your lives and say goodbye to the children.

You are hard work!

You and your DH were in the wrong.
Your friendship has ended.
Let it go.

From memory you've created more than 2 threads. I presume you're don't return to them because you're not being told what you want to hear, which given the reason for your posts (you/your husband ignoring what your friend told your husband and instead effectively accused her of lying) is of note. It appears history is repeating itself.

To echo what others have said you and your husband were in the wrong. Unless your husband was present at the time of the alleged bad behaviour it was not for him to tell the friend she was being untruthful. You've not clarified whether your friend was paid for her services but either way, no she didn't owe your kids a goodbye. Let the poor friend be.

Was she your only friend?

She doesn't sound unreasonable tbh

Do you have any friends that you don’t slag off on MN?

Your kids misbehaved.
Your wouldn’t listen because My Man Can Do No Wrong.
Your friend rightly thought, “fuck this nonsense”.

And now you want her to have some kind of official goodbye?

Give over 🤣

I think that if the friend had sent a card, you'd be here saying that she was out of order for sending it and making you look bad when your kids will obviously be on your side.

It's unclear whether the friend has kids but even if she hadn't so might have unrealistic expectations of what to expect, your h should have thanked her for looking after them and sympathised with her as it was his kids who'd made her feel like this. Then he could note never to use her as childcare in future and the friendship would be fine.

He handled it terribly and you made things worse by not hearing her out. Even if her expectations of behaviour had been unreasonable, she did you a favour and tried her best and I'm not surprised that she's furious with your h (and your ) attitudes. Sometimes well behaved kids misbehave and you don't really know what your kids are like when you're not there. Kids often behave differently for mum and dad so it's not outside the realms of possibility that they would behave differently for a different person. In my experience, carers say it went fine even if my kid was loud, messy, fussy with his meal... and I've said the same even though I'm desperate for peace and quiet after the whirlwind of a play date.

@StScholastica

Was she your only friend?

Nah, OP has another friend that she was mean about on here in yesterday 🤷🏻‍♀️

Leave this poor woman alone

I think I remember the earlier thread. It may be that she is U- I don't know enough of the details. But I definitely think that you are excessively invested in a friendship of less than a year's duration, and, more importantly, have got your children over-invested in it. It would be one thing if she was your oldest friend and the children's godmother/ adopted auntie. But a friendship of 10 months duration? I doubt that your children are so upset because she didn't say goodbye; I think they're upset because you are upset, and because they realize at some level that the fall-out had something to do with them. For their sake,try to 'cool it' at least in their presence.

Apologise to the friend, parent your kids better and let it go.

You sound like hard work. If I was your friend, I’d continue to keep my distance or phase you out even after receiving an apology from you and/or your Husband.

Why shouldn’t a friend or anyone criticise your Husband to you? 😵‍💫

If I’d looked after a friend’s children and then been accused of lying about their behaviour, I wouldn’t be going back to say an emotional goodbye to the children. Frankly, I’d think it would be the last thing the parents wanted. This is what most people would assume - if they even considered the idea in the first place (which most people wouldn’t).

I think you need to take a serious look at your expectations of your friends. You expect this one to go out of her way to be nice to your children when you and your husband have treated her pretty shabbily. On your other current thread, you’re sick of another friend moaning about feeling second best to her husband’s late wife, and think it’s all her own fault.

Your friends can’t confide in you; they can’t disagree with you or your husband, or even raise a question; they can’t even decide to walk away from the friendship (such as it is) without being accused of upsetting your children. What are you looking for in a friend? Blind obedience?

This is absolutely bonkers, most parents would be annoyed about a former friend getting in touch with their children, yet you are expecting someone you offended to provide closure to your kids. Are you on glue?

She’s been treated like a pos by you and your husband, and is now understandably keeping her distance. No attempt from either of you to apologise, so with that in mind leave it at that and leave her alone. A goodbye is unnecessary and it’s cheeky to expect it in these circumstances. If your children are as upset as you say they are, then you and your husband will just have to make them happy.

Wasn’t this friend crying on a bench at some point as well?

I think it would have been super weird for her to ask to say goodbye to your DC.

If I fell out with someone and they asked to say "goodbye" to by DC I would say no.

Did you ask her to say goodbye?

@OliveTree75

Wasn’t this friend crying on a bench at some point as well?

Yes - and the OP didn’t know how to handle her ‘being brought back into our lives like this’. She was sitting on a fucking bench!!

I wonder if she was even crying on a bench. Maybe the husband felt the drama was dying down and wanted to revive it.

So you admit your kids behaved badly, but your husband refused to believe her.

What a prat.

Someone does you a favour looking after your kids and when she rightly tells the parent about their bad behaviour, he denies it. To her face.

He was incredibly rude and stupid. The correct response is “I’m so sorry they were naughty. I’ll speak to them when we get home”

Actually parenting is putting the kids first, because it teaches them that bad behaviour has consequences and that they can hurt other peoples feelings. Blindly denying your kids were naughty when you weren’t there, is bad parenting and teaches them they can get away with doing what they want to. It is not putting them first, it’s just crap and insulting to the caregiver.

You should be apologising to her and telling your children that you and their dad were very unkind to this poor lady and have made her very unhappy.

Why do you believe your childrens feelings are more important than hers? She is the only one in this farce who hasn’t behaved badly.

Maybe the husband felt the drama was dying down and wanted to revive it.

I agree.

I think OP and her DH love all the drama and this poor women has been dragged into it.

Even now when they’re no longer in contact they’re trying to find a way to cause a drama with her.

Yes sorry I reported earlier. MN can you delete please!