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Original poster

Should she have said goodbye to my kids?

242 replies

PinkAndViolet · 15/04/2022 22:08

Met a new friend about 10 months ago. My kids really liked her too and because of this they got quite close as we spent a lot of time all together.
The kids started playing up a bit when alone with her so she reported. DH didn't really believe this was the case as didn't seem in character with the children, we had a bust up etc. I can see it upset DH and always want to defend him as my husband so that was that.
Unfortunately the kids got really upset when they found out what had happened and the realisation that she won't ever see them again. I can't help but think she should have said goodbye to them. It's been a few months now and they still get upset when talking about her. I know they will get over it soon but do you think that when adults fall out, they should be mature enough to put the kids first?

OP posts:
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 16/04/2022 07:26

@Bushkin

A card saying what? ‘Sorry you won’t see me again- your parents are batshit’ Confused
Think you can get these in card factory!
Patchbatch · 16/04/2022 07:28

Yes she should have written a note.

dear children, your father is a bit of a dick and had a go at me and created a load of drama that instigated this fall out because be was being unreasonable. Therefore I have made a very reasonable decision to distance myself from your parents as they add uneccessary stress to my life.

TitaniasAss · 16/04/2022 07:31

Is this a wind up? You used her for childcare (did you pay her?), then got pissed off when your DH caused an argument after her telling you that your kids misbehaved? And SHE should put that to one side? Don't think so OP, this is down to you and your DH. You sound like massive piss takers too. Oh you might.want to think about the possibility that perhaps your children did misbehave (unless they're perfect of course) and if you actually owe her an apology.

Interested in this thread?

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Families General parenting
OliveTree75 · 16/04/2022 07:31

This is so weird.

BendingSpoons · 16/04/2022 07:34

I can easily imagine a post along the lines of: we fell out with our friend and now she is harassing our children. AIBU to throw her card in the bin?

I don't know how old your children are, but her friendship was predominantly with you as adults. It's a shame your children have been caught in the middle, but I wouldn't expect her to say goodbye. I'm not sure how that would help anyway.

Lesperance · 16/04/2022 07:34

Leave her alone.
She's already had to deal with your idiot husband.
You say yourself that it was probably different ways of doing things.
Leave the poor woman alone. She owes you nothing, you were never a friend to her, you don't dump a friend when they have had a hard time giving you some help with your kids.

Alightjacket · 16/04/2022 07:38

What is it you/your husband thinks she would have to gain by lying about their bad behaviour?

She owes you nothing. She owes your children nothing. You were all rude to her and it's your responsibility to teach your children about behaviour & boundaries.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 16/04/2022 07:40

You and your DH have treated this friend really badly and now you're bleating about her not parenting your kids for you. The only card that should have been sent was one from you apologising to her for being a massive twat.

AchillesPoirot · 16/04/2022 07:42

What did the kids do when she was looking after them?

ComDummings · 16/04/2022 07:43

Let it go. For your own sake just let it go.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 16/04/2022 07:43

You need to teach your children better coping mechanisms. Every 12 months they will become close to a new teacher / ta / lunchtime supervisor, who will then leave their lives forever, sometimes with a goodbye, but sometimes not. They are learning about adult relationships from you and your husband and frankly you need to set a better example.
Your family either behaved very poorly towards her and she owes your family nothing, or she is lying about your dcs' behavior, in which case why would you want her anywhere near them?

Annette32123 · 16/04/2022 07:44

You and your DH should have put the children first. You are both very selfish. Knowing how important she was to your children you both should have managed any issues you had with her with your children at the forefront of your minds - so gradually reducing contact for example, so your children wouldn’t notice.

This is entirely on your husband. His ego is more important to him than his children, clearly.

Redwinestillfine · 16/04/2022 07:47

Why would you leave your kids with someone you had only known for 10 months ( especially to the extent they care if they see her again?).

EdwinaSharma · 16/04/2022 07:49

I know they will get over it soon but do you think that when adults fall out, they should be mature enough to put the kids first?

No, I don't. I don't think that people should go through life putting themselves and their feelings at the bottom and other people at the top. I don't think that's healthy.

You and your husband started this fall out.

Now she isn't in your life. She 'owes' your children nothing. I'd concentrate on working on their resilience. Maybe start by not always putting them first.

NewtoHolland · 16/04/2022 07:49

Is it that you feel unequipped to help your children with their emotions? Sometimes friendships end..I wouldn't out it on the kids, it's not their fault that this all blew up in the way it did it was your husband's and your reactions. You can explain to them that you as patents both fell out with this friend which is why they don't see them now. You can help contain their sadness and support them..a note from her isnt going to make their feelings around missing her go away, that's one of the hard bits of parenting I think containing and managing children's sad emotions but it's an important part.
I mean this kindly but it seems like you could possibly benefit from counseling or something like that to help with your own feelings around relationships for the future.

AchillesPoirot · 16/04/2022 07:51

If I fell out with an adult couple, how on earth would I navigate still seeing their children?

7eleven · 16/04/2022 07:55

@PinkAndViolet

As I said, the kids are still upset and don't understand why they can't see her. There was no ending for them.
Perhaps, kindly, explain to them that, outside of their family, love is a bit more conditional and if they behave badly, people will not want to be with them? Good learning experience for them.
LookItsMeAgain · 16/04/2022 07:56

Is this one a TAAT or is your other post the TAAT???

Just wondering....

MichelleScarn · 16/04/2022 07:56

@TitaniasAss

Is this a wind up? You used her for childcare (did you pay her?), then got pissed off when your DH caused an argument after her telling you that your kids misbehaved? And SHE should put that to one side? Don't think so OP, this is down to you and your DH. You sound like massive piss takers too. Oh you might.want to think about the possibility that perhaps your children did misbehave (unless they're perfect of course) and if you actually owe her an apology.
I almost feel that op and her dh see this friend like an indentured servant, who should not be questioning the DC, and heaven forbid disagreeing with the god like Dh. Of course she shouldn't leave her post without a grovel and a farewell to thee card.....
QuillBill · 16/04/2022 07:58

So three weeks ago you were upset that she had contacted you after the incident as you thought that was forcing you to 'pit you against your husband'.

Now you are upset about the lack of contact and you think she should have contacted your children?

But in the thread three weeks ago you said that you wanted to draw a line under it and that the friendship was over.

Ragwort · 16/04/2022 07:58

How old are your DC?

I find it hard to believe that DC would really have any strong feelings about their DM's friend who has been in their lives for less than ten months ... you must have some very odd dynamics going on in your life ... at the age when my DC needed babysitting he would hardly know or care about the adult ... just whether they played games with him or gave him chocolate biscuits, I can't imagine him worrying about 'missing someone' if they weren't around. Confused.

BellePeppa · 16/04/2022 07:59

@PutinIsAWarCriminal

You need to teach your children better coping mechanisms. Every 12 months they will become close to a new teacher / ta / lunchtime supervisor, who will then leave their lives forever, sometimes with a goodbye, but sometimes not. They are learning about adult relationships from you and your husband and frankly you need to set a better example. Your family either behaved very poorly towards her and she owes your family nothing, or she is lying about your dcs' behavior, in which case why would you want her anywhere near them?
The OP doesn’t appear to have coping mechanisms herself so I doubt she’ll be able to teach them to her children.
AchillesPoirot · 16/04/2022 08:00

I have to be honest.

Depending on the age of the kids. And what she said they did.

I’d have told them they misbehaved and daddy was rude to x about it so now x doesn’t want to see us.

worriedatthistime · 16/04/2022 08:00

No she shouldn't you and your dh are in the wrong here
Have you ever spoken to your children to find out if she was telling the truth even

JoyLurking9to5 · 16/04/2022 08:01

I remember the original thread. She did you a favour, your children acted up, your Husband reacted as though she were lying.

She had had enough.
Leave it for now.

Forging a card is a good idea if you really think your dc need a goodbye from her.