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Original poster

Should she have said goodbye to my kids?

242 replies

PinkAndViolet · 15/04/2022 22:08

Met a new friend about 10 months ago. My kids really liked her too and because of this they got quite close as we spent a lot of time all together.
The kids started playing up a bit when alone with her so she reported. DH didn't really believe this was the case as didn't seem in character with the children, we had a bust up etc. I can see it upset DH and always want to defend him as my husband so that was that.
Unfortunately the kids got really upset when they found out what had happened and the realisation that she won't ever see them again. I can't help but think she should have said goodbye to them. It's been a few months now and they still get upset when talking about her. I know they will get over it soon but do you think that when adults fall out, they should be mature enough to put the kids first?

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 16/04/2022 09:37

It's not your friend's responsibility to pick up the pieces of your children's reaction to this ridiculous falling out. This is at least the third thread I've seen you post about this and your reaction to this is completely out of proportion. Just leave things be, deal with your own children and stop centering this poor woman in your family's lives.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 16/04/2022 09:38

How old are you?? You sound young and inexperienced with the world...

HikingforScenery · 16/04/2022 09:38

@PinkAndViolet

I just think a card or note would have helped. The kids always denied the behaviour so I feel there were just different expectations on each of our sides. They spent a lot of time with her even if only known her for 10 months. As a family we all did and individually they did.
Sorry I missed this. She’s right to walk away if she doesn’t feel trusted. What would she have said in her goodbye? Unless she was going to lie about why she couldn’t see them anymore, that would be a horrible goodbye. “I’m leaving because you were naughty and your parents didn’t believe me”?

It’s your (both parents) responsibility to explain her departure to your children, not hers.

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IrishMama2015 · 16/04/2022 09:39

Sounds like you're missing the babysitting your 'friend' was supplying OP

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 16/04/2022 09:39

Sounds like she is well rid.

Sally872 · 16/04/2022 09:41

Could imagine your post then

"My friend accused my children of misbehaving when she watched them my dh did not believe her and now she won't speak to us. She has asked to say goodbye to the children am I unreasonable to not agree? Who knows what she will say and if she isn't speaking to me why should she speak to my kids"

GatoradeMeBitch · 16/04/2022 09:44

If you're talking about her in front of them - stop.
If the kids talk about her - distract them. Don't turn it into a conversation.

She was your friend, not your children's friend. There is no reason for them to be upset about this nearly a year later. It sounds like you regret how you behaved or how your DH behaved and you're looking for an excuse to contact her.

But if this is really about wanting her to say a formal goodbye to your kids - well it's not going to happen is it? And you would look odd if you called and said she should speak to your children, particularly as the friendship ended because she had a problem with their behaviour.

If your children are truly that upset write a card yourself, pretend it's from her. Done.

ldontWanna · 16/04/2022 09:44

You have issues and can't let this go.
She's done and rightly so, you seem intent in making her be the bad guy and add extra reasons why she failed you.

You fucked up, own it and move on.
It's time you do an Elsa and let it go.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2022 09:44

The best thing to do is to tell your children you had a disagreement with her and you aren’t friends anymore. It really isn’t her responsibility to contact your children. You sound all over the place emotionally. Can you self refer with your GP for some counselling?

GatoradeMeBitch · 16/04/2022 09:44

I can't help wondering if this is some kind of "Carol" situation...

Sally872 · 16/04/2022 09:46

Also I expect there is a middle ground where you could get past this and just not have her with the kids unsupervised to stop it happening again. Would have required your dh to apologise for his lack of tact though. Telling a trusted adult "doesn't sound like my children" before even asking them is beyond patronising. Simple "I will speak to them about that, sorry they have upset you" could have worked as a place holder then try and explain children's perspective later. They must have done something though? Eg my kids can jump on the sofa at home, they know climbing/jumping/feet on anyone else's sofa is not acceptable though. What were the "different expectations"

harriethoyle · 16/04/2022 09:46

@Bushkin

A card saying what? ‘Sorry you won’t see me again- your parents are batshit’ Confused
Hahaha Grin
Bristlenose · 16/04/2022 09:46

I think the op is too busy hiding behind a newspaper wearing a wig and dark glasses outside ex friends house to reply.

Terfydactyl · 16/04/2022 09:46

@PinkAndViolet

I just think a card or note would have helped. The kids always denied the behaviour so I feel there were just different expectations on each of our sides. They spent a lot of time with her even if only known her for 10 months. As a family we all did and individually they did.
10 months and she was often looking after your kids alone? You barely knew this woman and you were fine to leave your children alone with her, often and for lengthy periods? Why?

I think that's worse than the fall out

As for the fall out, you should grow up, parent properly, not leave your kids often with people you hardly know (do you do this because you cant be bothered to parent your own children) and you make your kids feel better. Why after just 10 months were they so attached to basically a stranger?

Daenerys77 · 16/04/2022 09:47

Haven't read the full thread but does your husband pull his weight on the childcare front? If he did, he would be less likely to pick fights with someone who is willing to offer free babysitting services.

Fancylike · 16/04/2022 09:48

You are exhausting. It sounds like if this hadn't had happened, you and your husband would had driven her away anyway. Do you have many friends, OP?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 16/04/2022 09:50

Oh, don't worry - I'm sure you'll find another mug friend to look after your children soon enough.

Thesearmsofmine · 16/04/2022 09:51

This is bizarre, you met her 10 months ago but fell out a few months ago so you were leaving your kids with someone that you barely knew. Who does that? Your friend probably cba with the drama and being used as free babysitting.

sharksarecool · 16/04/2022 09:51

You and your husband have treated this woman terribly. If your children are upset by the current situation then that is on you.

LadyEv · 16/04/2022 09:58

There has got to be more of a back story to this. Why do you think your friend would lie about your children's behaviour? Why do think she was trying to stir things up between you and your husband? Why was she babysitting your kids to begin with? How did you become friends to begin with?

Guavaf1sh · 16/04/2022 09:58

Just leave it be. It’s weird still thinking about it so much

Ivyonafence · 16/04/2022 10:02

OP are you in an abusive and or controlling relationship with DH?

Do you always blindly agree with him? Why do you feel the need to do this? What would happen if you didn't agree with him?

Does he often get people offside? Can you think of other times he escalated situations when it wasn't called for?

Did he sabotage your friendship with this woman?

Do you miss her because she was a support to you?

Do you feel she has given up on you? And that makes you feel hopeless about something unrelated to her?

Do you have other friends?

This isn't a normal situation or reaction at

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/04/2022 10:04

God I bet your ex friend thanks her lucky stars she's rid of you. You sound absolutely deluded.

Gonnagetgoing · 16/04/2022 10:07

@PinkAndViolet

I just think a card or note would have helped. The kids always denied the behaviour so I feel there were just different expectations on each of our sides. They spent a lot of time with her even if only known her for 10 months. As a family we all did and individually they did.
@PinkAndViolet - I’m in awe of what you’re suggesting your friend does. You’re not putting her feelings or thinking about her at all, it’s really all about you and your DH and kids. Honestly do an Elsa, let it go and leave the poor woman alone!

It sounds as if the woman has decided (reasonably too) to end your friendship and she owns you nothing at all.

I’d personally grey rock the kids if they ask, they’ll soon forget about her.

You really need to look at parenting your kids better end DH’s response or this issue may happen with someone else again in future.

diddl · 16/04/2022 10:08

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious

God I bet your ex friend thanks her lucky stars she's rid of you. You sound absolutely deluded.
It's the strangest situation isn't it.

Someone does a huge favour & gets it in the neck!

Even if their father didn't believe it he could have just said "sounds unusual but sorry to hear it" or some such.

The biggest thing is why do you want her to contact your kids after she has, as far as you are concerned, lied about their behaviour?