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Original poster

Should she have said goodbye to my kids?

242 replies

PinkAndViolet · 15/04/2022 22:08

Met a new friend about 10 months ago. My kids really liked her too and because of this they got quite close as we spent a lot of time all together.
The kids started playing up a bit when alone with her so she reported. DH didn't really believe this was the case as didn't seem in character with the children, we had a bust up etc. I can see it upset DH and always want to defend him as my husband so that was that.
Unfortunately the kids got really upset when they found out what had happened and the realisation that she won't ever see them again. I can't help but think she should have said goodbye to them. It's been a few months now and they still get upset when talking about her. I know they will get over it soon but do you think that when adults fall out, they should be mature enough to put the kids first?

OP posts:
AllFreeOwls · 16/04/2022 08:49

You've fallen out because you & DH have accused her of bring a liar, which generally doesn't go down well.
Why on earth would she sends a card? You've finished this friendship, not her. It's your job to deal with how your children feel, not hers.
I do suspect that is she had, for some reason, sent a card you'd be on here complaining about how you're not friends and she shouldn't be contacting you.
Stop giving this women headspace.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 16/04/2022 08:50

Why do you think a card will help ? You explain to your children that she won’t be coming again. Tbh your dh should of thought of this before he got all defensive about his dc misbehaving and shouted at her . You’ve posted about this before and about you saw this friend recently crying and did nothing . It all sounds very odd and childish on your dh side . Why the hell would she write a card the way your dh and you have behaved? .
You have 2 choices op go and see this friend apologise and sort things out or do nothing get over it . It’s not up to her to reach out .

stairgates · 16/04/2022 08:53

This all has to be a joke surely Grin

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Worldwide2 · 16/04/2022 08:56

No. Its down to you and your husband to explain to your children what happened. You really need to get over this. It was a 10 month friendship not 10 years. You sound a bit obsessed with it all.

AndAsIfByMagic · 16/04/2022 08:58

Totally your and your DH's fault.

Poor woman deserves better friends than you. Leave her alone now.

Mooshering · 16/04/2022 09:02

She did you a favour, your kids played up, then your husband was rude to her and you stuck up for him.

Why would she then make contact again with your kids?

MmeMeursault · 16/04/2022 09:02

You know your kids aren't in fact the centre of the known universe, right, around which all other inferior beings must circulate?

Same goes for your husband. How does he react if you have / someone else has a different view to him?

How does he react under pressure, like if he's not had enough sleep or a tough day at work?

Just a little thought for you there to bear in mind.

Walkaround · 16/04/2022 09:03

?! Blame your husband’s offensive response and your apparent inability to deal constructively with disagreements. What the hell do you expect from a note or goodbye scene?! “Sorry, kids, I won’t be seeing you again because your daddy accused me of lying when I told him you were misbehaving”?! As for putting kids first - is that what you think you did, by having a ridiculous argument with someone you think owes your children something, for some bizarre reason best known to yourself? If she was that important to your kids, you could have thought about behaving differently yourself in order to retain this relationship you now appear to believe was so incredibly important to your children. Either that, or you are making a colossal mountain out of a molehill.

ConfusedByDesign · 16/04/2022 09:03

@Momijin

How old are the kids? My kids get on well with my friends but never ever have they said they miss them and are upset at not seeing them. Even with their own best friends, once they change classes in a year group, they change friendships. Kids forget people easily in my experience. You must be bringing it up continually or doing something for them to have this reaction.
I agree with this. Show some resilience and move on. Your children learn from your example. You’re overly emotional and dwelling on this so your dc are too.
CareBearsCare · 16/04/2022 09:06

I know they will get over it soon but do you think that when adults fall out, they should be mature enough to put the kids first?

Your friend probably feels the same. Your h should have put the kids first and thanked her for looking after them and apologising for their behaviour. Not say "I don't think so"

He presumably knows that this friendship was important to you and your kids and he threw a grenade into it. At

Haffiana · 16/04/2022 09:06

Hi OP. Something is very wrong here. You know this which is why you keep posting.

Either you are in an abusive relationship, or you have MH problems. Neither are your fault. I don't think you know which it is and none of us can tell from what you have written, but I honestly suggest you speak to your GP about this.

ToastedCrumpetwithCheese · 16/04/2022 09:08

@needmorethanthis

Does your husband manage to ruin every female friendship that you have?
You should really think about this @PinkAndViolet
BluKorner · 16/04/2022 09:12

@needmorethanthis

Does your husband manage to ruin every female friendship that you have?
OP’s previous thread is called something like “if you have a problem with my husband, you have a problem with me”.

Sometimes women can destroy their own friendships…

Bettyboopawoop · 16/04/2022 09:14

Your friend Kindy babysit your kids, your kids played up she told you this, you chose not to beleive her so the friendship ended I don't blame the woman for wanting nothing to do with you's.

slashlover · 16/04/2022 09:14

@PinkAndViolet

I just think a card or note would have helped. The kids always denied the behaviour so I feel there were just different expectations on each of our sides. They spent a lot of time with her even if only known her for 10 months. As a family we all did and individually they did.
Hey kids, remember that time I looked after you and you didn't listen, misbehaved and were rude? Well I told your dad what happened and he didn't believe me because you lied about it. Because of this I wont be seeing you again.

Byeeeeee.

WrongWayApricot · 16/04/2022 09:15

You have literally engineered this drama, I remember the last post and am not surprised to see this one. Poor kids having to live with a full time thespian at home 🙄

Idonea · 16/04/2022 09:17

Why are you so obsessed with her? You shouldn't have dumped your kids on her anyway. No one else likes your kids as much as you do, it's the universal rule of parenting.

JoyLurking9to5 · 16/04/2022 09:18

@Chikapu

Are you hoping she's secretly devastated at losing touch? Do you think she should turn up sobbing and wringing a hanky begging to be let back into your lives? Your husband treated her poorly and you made a choice to stand by your man at the cost of the friendship, suck it up, move on and allow your kids to do the same.
This.

I think the OP's husband values the time and labour that goes in to looking after 4 children so little that he was just frustrated and irritated that the friend said it how it was, that was hard, and made harder by their bad behaviour.

OP sided with her husband instead of the friend who'd minded their four DC as a favour.

Even though I never believed my DD would be difficult, I always said ''I hope things went well?'' when I went to pick her up.

I know parents who dropped off their angels at my house and angels said ''I don't eat this, I only eat normal food'''.

Now I can see both sides here. Brown pasta if you've only ever had white pasta is probably a shock and is going to be rejected. Parents firmly believe Angela is an Angel. The adult minding her had to make two dinners.

Cheesechips · 16/04/2022 09:20

@PinkAndViolet

I just think a card or note would have helped. The kids always denied the behaviour so I feel there were just different expectations on each of our sides. They spent a lot of time with her even if only known her for 10 months. As a family we all did and individually they did.
Seriously? You expect her to send a card? She seems best off away from you guys. Talk about high maintenance.
SnowingInApril · 16/04/2022 09:21

She doesn’t owe your kids anything.

The fact you allowed them to become so close to a complete stranger in such a short space of time says more about you than it does about her.

C8H10N4O2 · 16/04/2022 09:22

How many threads are you going to start on this?

You were happy to have this women look after your kids. Your kids played up, your DH accused the person of lying, you automatically backed him up "because husband".

Why on earth would she want anything to do with any of you?

Dickopf · 16/04/2022 09:24

@Bushkin

A card saying what? ‘Sorry you won’t see me again- your parents are batshit’ Confused
This, with knobs on.
Notanotherwindow · 16/04/2022 09:26

Your kids were misbehaving, your husband behaved like a dickhead and refused to believe her, which is probably what partly contributed to your children being so badly behaved in the first place if they've been brought up seeing that as normal behaviour.

Your friend rightly walked away from this shit show and doesn't have any obligation to say goodbye to the children who lied about her. If they're upset, tough, let it be a lesson to them that when they behave like that, no one wants to be around them.

GeorgesMarvelousCalpol · 16/04/2022 09:31

It's a lot of drama for a

HikingforScenery · 16/04/2022 09:35

What reason would she have to lie about your kids’ behaviour? Did you hear her out? Ask the kids?
She’s right that you didn’t trust her and walking away was the best thing for her to do.
Let it go. Yes yabvu

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