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Original poster

Should she have said goodbye to my kids?

242 replies

PinkAndViolet · 15/04/2022 22:08

Met a new friend about 10 months ago. My kids really liked her too and because of this they got quite close as we spent a lot of time all together.
The kids started playing up a bit when alone with her so she reported. DH didn't really believe this was the case as didn't seem in character with the children, we had a bust up etc. I can see it upset DH and always want to defend him as my husband so that was that.
Unfortunately the kids got really upset when they found out what had happened and the realisation that she won't ever see them again. I can't help but think she should have said goodbye to them. It's been a few months now and they still get upset when talking about her. I know they will get over it soon but do you think that when adults fall out, they should be mature enough to put the kids first?

OP posts:

Seafog · 16/04/2022 08:02

It sounds as though this was a very intense friendship, perhaps a little too much?

BeepBoopBop · 16/04/2022 08:03

@PinkAndViolet

As I said, the kids are still upset and don't understand why they can't see her. There was no ending for them.

Why don't you explain that your ex-friend doesn't want to see them because they are badly behaved and their behaviour has consequences. Next time mummy gets fixated on someone, if they behave better the friend may stick around longer. Well, at least until they realise .....

cameocat · 16/04/2022 08:08

Your children don't know why they don't see her anymore? Talk to them about it.

For a ten month friendship it sounds unhealthy. Manage your children's expectations and stopping feeding into the drama.

Your friend owes your family nothing, you treated her badly and even if you hadn't, your kids are your responsibility.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

JoyLurking9to5 · 16/04/2022 08:12

I agree with @BeepBoopBop let them know that as there were FOUR of them and the played up, friend found looking after them overwhelming.

Looking after four children for free for a friend, and then being disbelieved when she reports that they were not easy, wow, that is not a favour I would ever repeat in her shoes either.

Lbnc2021 · 16/04/2022 08:12

@Bushkin

A card saying what? ‘Sorry you won’t see me again- your parents are batshit’

😂😂😂😂

JoyLurking9to5 · 16/04/2022 08:15

or ''they do say no good deed goes unpunished''.

Which is how she must have felt when you disbelieved her and let her know that if she ''had a problem with your H she had one with you too''.

Zonder · 16/04/2022 08:15

Just to clarify:
You met her 10 months ago
The kids haven't seen her for several months
The friendship lasted maybe less than 7 months
In that time she had the kids on her own and didn't like their behaviour so fell out with you
None of you have seen her since and the kids are still upset

Have I got that right?
If so you can learn from this.
Don't get so intensely involved with a stranger so fast
Don't let your kids get so involved with a stranger so fast
Look at your kids behaviour
Tell the kids sometimes people move on then distract them and focus on their friendships and your more solid friendships if you have any.

Patchbatch · 16/04/2022 08:15

@JoyLurking9to5

I agree with *@BeepBoopBop* let them know that as there were FOUR of them and the played up, friend found looking after them overwhelming.

Looking after four children for free for a friend, and then being disbelieved when she reports that they were not easy, wow, that is not a favour I would ever repeat in her shoes either.

That's not fair though as it isn't because the children were naughty, but the dads reaction to her saying they'd not behaved well. So whilst they did misbehave no doubt if he had acted like a regular person and listened and taken it on the chin she wouldn't have broken the friendship off.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 16/04/2022 08:17

Lol. How was she supposed to say goodbye, given that you has fallen out?

cansu · 16/04/2022 08:18

I remember your thread. It was obvious that you caused this by your refusal to just apologise to her. You and your dh were rude to her and lost a friend and as it sounded a babysitter. People told you on that thread you were being foolish and would regret it.

TheBigDilemma · 16/04/2022 08:19

I would not have any further interaction with a child that lies and parents that do not trust me. It is not only offensive but risky.

I can’t see why she needs to say good bye to your children after that. You all seem bonkers!

From the children to the parents nobody is taking responsibility for their bad actions.

notanothertakeaway · 16/04/2022 08:20

OP, some of the responses are quite harsh. Your approach to this situation is odd, but I'm guessing it's maybe due to some issues you have?

In life, some friendships come and go. If the children are old enough to understand actions and consequences, I think it's ok to give an age appropriate explanation to your kids that your friend said they did X, and the adults fell out because Dad didn't believe her

That way - (1) if they were misbehaving, they see that their behaviour resulted in the friend distancing herself, and (2) if they weren't, they know that Dad's got their back. Win win

SarahBellam · 16/04/2022 08:21

No, she owes you nothing. You and your dickhead husband owe her an apology but I suspect she thinks she’s better off out of this weird friendship.

Hoppinggreen · 16/04/2022 08:22

The kids probably don’t miss her personally, they probably just miss spending time with an adult who’s not Batshit crazy

Lampan · 16/04/2022 08:24

Either:
Your kids were badly behaved, in which case why would she want to see them again, and it serves them right. You can teach them that actions have consequences.

Or;
She lied about their behaviour in which case why would you want anything more to do with her?

PurpleFlower1983 · 16/04/2022 08:25

As others have said, you and your DH are wholly responsible, maybe explain to them that you made some bad decisions calling a friend a liar and now she doesn’t want anything to do with you all. It’s how it is. If you trust someone enough with your children, you should trust what they are telling you about them.

LoveSpringDaffs · 16/04/2022 08:25

@PinkAndViolet

As I said, the kids are still upset and don't understand why they can't see her. There was no ending for them.

Then it's YOUR job to provide one!

Daisydoesnt · 16/04/2022 08:27

As I said, the kids are still upset and don't understand why they can't see her. There was no ending for them

I'd imagine you children feel guilty that they behaved badly with your friend, and it's meant the end of the friendship. It's not a bad lesson for them to learn that there are consequences when you treat people badly.

ElenaSt · 16/04/2022 08:28

@PinkAndViolet

Yes I did. They were very close and I just wish she had put aside the fall out and thought about the kids who she once cared very much about.

She owes your kids nothing.

needmorethanthis · 16/04/2022 08:37

Your husband is at fault here.
End of.
His behaviour was disgusting. Utterly disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself for standing up for this bully you are married to and treating your friend who did you a lovely favour so badly.
You and your husband are bad people. You should send her a letter of apology after dumping your nasty husband. That’s the only letter that should get written. I’m guessing your husband is one of those self important mouthy types who can’t ever hear the opinion of a woman or be told he is wrong.

Momijin · 16/04/2022 08:39

How old are the kids? My kids get on well with my friends but never ever have they said they miss them and are upset at not seeing them. Even with their own best friends, once they change classes in a year group, they change friendships. Kids forget people easily in my experience. You must be bringing it up continually or doing something for them to have this reaction.

needmorethanthis · 16/04/2022 08:39

Does your husband manage to ruin every female friendship that you have?

TrashyPanda · 16/04/2022 08:42

How many more ways can you find to blame your friend?

Your kids misbehaved
Your DH refused to believe her
You were annoyed she spoke to you about it.
Now you are annoyed she hasn’t “said goodbye” to your kids. Really?

She hasn’t done anything wrong.
Try accepting responsibility.

WonderingWanda · 16/04/2022 08:43

Op I read your previous thread and this one and I don't think she should have provided closure for your kids. I am quite concerned about the fact that you've mentioned standing by your husband just bevause he is your husband and that you felt your friend was trying to pit you against him. Peraonally, I can spot a mile off if my kids are lying, they are crap at it so I wouldn't be basing my view on ny husbands opnion anyway. It just strikes me that you are very upset about the loss of this friend. You haven't mentioned whether you felt the kids were lying or what the behaviour was and whether it seemed likely? Is your husband controlling? Ir may be that the kids never misbehave for him if he is strict or authoritarian but might for other people where they feel safer doing so. Could it be that your husband orchestrated the falling out situation as he felt threatened by your friendship? I feel like there is more going on here for you and this is why you are fixated on it.

LIZS · 16/04/2022 08:44

Hopefully the friend will have moved on by now. You sound way too intense. Do you have other "friends" who similarly come and go, thanks to your h or weight if expectation.

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