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Original poster

Should she have said goodbye to my kids?

242 replies

PinkAndViolet · 15/04/2022 22:08

Met a new friend about 10 months ago. My kids really liked her too and because of this they got quite close as we spent a lot of time all together.
The kids started playing up a bit when alone with her so she reported. DH didn't really believe this was the case as didn't seem in character with the children, we had a bust up etc. I can see it upset DH and always want to defend him as my husband so that was that.
Unfortunately the kids got really upset when they found out what had happened and the realisation that she won't ever see them again. I can't help but think she should have said goodbye to them. It's been a few months now and they still get upset when talking about her. I know they will get over it soon but do you think that when adults fall out, they should be mature enough to put the kids first?

OP posts:
LetHimHaveIt · 16/04/2022 05:09

@Bushkin

A card saying what? ‘Sorry you won’t see me again- your parents are batshit’ Confused
Ha!
MimosaFields · 16/04/2022 05:43

I've just read your previous thread and this one. You are being ridiculous and seem to think your husband is some kind of semi God whose opinion is above the rest. In your words, you wished your friend well. That means you ended the friendship. Why on earth would she now come back to say goodbye to the children who were rude to her? It's time for your all of you that actions have got consequences. Your friend did the right thing separating herself from such a rude family. Good for her!

MissMaple82 · 16/04/2022 06:12

Your husband was the dickhead here

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AchillesPoirot · 16/04/2022 06:17

You are being ridiculous.

Why do you think she owes your children “a goodbye”?

This is on you and your husband. It’s down to you pair and she’s quite right.

PinkSyCo · 16/04/2022 06:17

So this woman who gave you free childcare was basically called a liar by you and your DH and now you expect her to feel bad for not saying goodbye to your kids, who also lied?!! Fucksake OP leave the poor woman alone and move the fuck on! Confused

Tinitiny · 16/04/2022 06:29

@WhereYouLeftIt

"It's been a few months now and they still get upset when talking about her."

I'll be blunt. Their upset is most likely down to you. You've started three threads now about this, and you just keep going over the same ground, unwilling to accept that you and your husband could possibly be in the wrong. If you're like this online, god only knows what you're like in real life, but I suspect your demeanour and general obsessing about this has created something of an atmosphere that your children have picked up on.

Get over yourself and allow the children to get over you and your husband driving your friend away. Better still, try and instil a bit of emotional resilience - for yourself first and then for your children.

This. Exactly this.

Do you always blame other people for issues you / your husband caused?

lunar1 · 16/04/2022 06:34

You met her 10 months ago, you had her looking after your children alone and managed to have a significant falling out and haven't seen her for months.

So the actual friendship was incredibly short, yet you make it sound very intense and as if she's an old family friend.

It's not healthy to expose your children to your infatuations. It sounds intense and almost as if you introduced her as a new relationship rather than a friend.

She doesn't owe you anything, and you need to look at developing an understanding of healthy relationships in your children's lives.

autienotnaughty · 16/04/2022 06:38

I don't know how old the kids are but it's your responsibility to manage their upset. Talk about the friend, explain you fell out but don't mention their behaviour as it imply it's their fault. It's a life lesson to learn people come and go. As long as they know it's not their fault and it's ok to talk about it they will be fine.

DefiniteTortoise · 16/04/2022 06:47

You sound a bit strange in your response and really quite needy/overdramatic. If the kids are following in the same footsteps then it is hardly surprising, poor things.

AnyFucker · 16/04/2022 06:50

What an odd individual you sound.

I advise you to knock this strange obsession on the head before you get a visit from the Bizzies

Nopetryagain · 16/04/2022 07:03

You sound either very unwell or deeply unpleasant.

tiggergoesbounce · 16/04/2022 07:05

I havent read your previous thread, but if previously she had looked after them and all was fine, Im not quite sure why she would "lie" on this occassion.

I looked after a friends child and she didnt eat her tea, i mentioned it to friend as a just so you can feed her type thing not in a im telling her off thing, but she left me a message saying child had infact eaten some of her tea, as her child had told her so.
It was a very bizaare thing to imply i would lie and changes your view on a person.

I think your friend is doing the right thing really, as your relationship will never be the same if you have accused her of being a liar. On the grounds of her ending the relationship with your kids for closure, sadly that is for your DH to explain this is how you can loose people from your life when you make accusation about them.

KatherineJaneway · 16/04/2022 07:06

You received good advice on your previous thread about this but have left a lot of the detail out.

IIRC Your kids played up and we’re not behaving themselves while in your friend’s care. Your friend told your dh when he picked them up about their rude p behaviour and he got defensive and basically said she was a liar. Your got angry with her when she told you what had happened as you felt she shouldn’t have ‘put you in the middle’.

Chikapu · 16/04/2022 07:08

Are you hoping she's secretly devastated at losing touch? Do you think she should turn up sobbing and wringing a hanky begging to be let back into your lives?
Your husband treated her poorly and you made a choice to stand by your man at the cost of the friendship, suck it up, move on and allow your kids to do the same.

SunshineAndFizz · 16/04/2022 07:09

Absolutely no way would I expect the ex friend to get in touch to 'say bye' to the kids. You've known her 10 months, told her she's a liar and so she's understandably cut ties.

This ones on you to deal with.

Pebbledashery · 16/04/2022 07:11

You sound deeply obsessive compulsive about this. I remember your other threads. It's obvious you don't like what is being said to you so you keep creating new friends.
I'm fairly sure this woman is glad to be shot of you and your husband.
Leave her alone and you explain the issue you have caused to your children.

Ylvamoon · 16/04/2022 07:12

Teach your children how to deal with their emotions.

They will have many more upsetting things in their lives.

As for you, lead by example.

DrWankincense · 16/04/2022 07:15

Three threads about this situation? I don't think the problem is your ex-friend.
If you create drama, your kids will pick up on it.
Move on.

itsgettingweird · 16/04/2022 07:16

She was a your friend. Not your kids friend.

Sounds like she was a great friend and helped out with some childcare etc.

Your kids misbehaved. Not that unusual around people they are comfortable with. Your DH didn't believe it.

She did the right thing walking away. You showed you don't trust her - the pure basis of a friendship is trust.

Tell the kids the truth. We fell out with X because she said you did x y and z and daddy said he didn't believe her.

If they did misbehave (very likely!) they'll have learnt a good lesson about how their behaviour effects others.

If they didn't (unlikely) then you've dodged a bullet with that friendship.

Bornsloppy · 16/04/2022 07:17

Are you quite well? Just leave the poor woman alone, stop talking about her, stop posting about her.

Your kids were rude, your husband was rude, you chose to defend your rude family instead of apologising. Maybe work on why everyone in your family is disrespectful.

vivkensington · 16/04/2022 07:18

At the moment your thinking sounds rather childlike - you are letting emotions cloud your judgement. Employ your rational brain.
Living in all this drama isn't good for you and it doesn't model healthy relationships and reactions to your children.

Dairymilk50 · 16/04/2022 07:19

Unfortunately that how it works OP. Your too stubborn to see your friend is upset. Take on board what posters are saying.

Prinnny · 16/04/2022 07:24

Oh god your those awful type of parents who don’t believe their child can do any wrong ever!

Please leave that poor woman alone, it’s not healthy to be so obsessed with an ex friend.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 16/04/2022 07:25

@PinkAndViolet

As I said, the kids are still upset and don't understand why they can't see her. There was no ending for them.
Tell her that you and her have fallen out and that's why you don't see her anymore. You don't have to go into details, just that sometimes friendships end. They already know that but it won't hurt to know that sometimes it happens to grownups too.

If you want you could add that it's nothing to do with them and it's not their fault but you can't actually be sure that's true. It might be that she was fond of them once but that their bad behaviour put her off them so much that her feelings died. In which case guilt over that might be what's upsetting them.

Whatever you do this needn't be a big deal. Adult friendships come and go. People will come and go from your kids lives. Learning to accept that, mourn them or regret your part in the ending if needed, and then move on is an important part of developing resilience.

2DogsOnMySofa · 16/04/2022 07:25

I feel sorry for the friend. She was doing you a favour, your kids acted up (as kids do), she told your dh and your dh argued with her about it, you defended your dh. I can see why she's not bothering with the friendship again tbh