Completely humiliated by my toddler, I'm in bits

[parentingsucks]

My toddler has a horrible temper and throws some epic tantrums, usual two year old behaviour I had always thought until the last few weeks where it's been getting worse. He's started being violent, hitting, biting during tantrums and screaming at us a lot. It's been a tough couple of weeks and today has just sent me over the edge. I'm trying to get away from him and calm down and I'm in the bath trying to relax and I can hear him screaming at my husband and I just want to cry.

We live in a small village on a new estate full of young families. Everyone is very friendly and greets each other by name. There isn't any anonymity. He was having an epic tantrum today as we were walking around the estate, sat down screaming trying to run into the road. I picked him up and started to carry him home and he grabbed both of his hands on to my hair and pulled as hard as he could. I could feel him ripping it out and I was panicking I put him down and tried to peel his hands off and he just pulled harder, I leant him back on to the grass desperately trying to get him off and he just pulled harder and sank his teeth into my cheek so hard it broke the skin on three places. I screamed, people who were outside came running over trying to help, I was crying hysterically, he was screaming shut up everybody, I was just crying harder as heard him he was so rude to so many people.

I got home and got away from him. I don't want to be around him at all he has upset me so much. I'm so shocked by what he did. I'm so mortified so many people saw. I'm so gutted that he is capable of behaving like this, I'm just devastated. I'm in tears again now writing what has happened. It just isn't normal, is it? What the fuck have I done wrong? He's two. I know he's tiny. I try and not get upset at him but I am so hurt by this. So, so hurt.

Oh op I completely sympathise. You've had some great advice on here but I just wanted to share my memory of tearfully carrying my tantrumming two year old twins out of the local library. One was intent on emptying the shelves onto the floor, the other kept running out of the automatic door. My parting shot to the young librarian was " don't ever have kids". It was over a year before I could face returning. I have many many similar experiences to share.

I think the fact you reacted as you did is completely understandable! I still remember then toddler ds headbutting me in the face and just crying in pain and shock. (He’s now nearly 20 and a lovely young man!)
They say though that all behaviour is communication, and tantrums are usually about them having big emotions without the words to articulate them, or a need not being met, or being overwhelmed in some way. So I’d be thinking about the triggers for tantrums… is it when he is hungry, thirsty or tired? Overstimulated? Does he find transitions hard? Too many or not enough choices? How is his speech and hearing? That ds of mine had glue ear leading to hearing loss and speech delay, and would lash out because he couldn’t make himself understood. Is there a chance he isn’t neurotypical? Not saying there is anything there but worth considering.
And take care of yourself the toddler years are tough.

You're the adult. Recuperate a bit then stop being scared of your baby. He isn't 'humiliating you'. His actions aren't about you at all, they are about his own frustrations.

Mine, at a similar age, lay face down on a polythene covered recliner in a store, and when I tried to remove her so that she didn't suffocate, screamed 'Don't beat me, Mummy! Don't beat me! Please don't beat me!' She'd never been beaten and I didn't know she even knew the word.

Bless you, OP. What a rotten bloody day. And yes, response to pain is visceral and often can't be controlled. I remember DD biting my nipple when feeding and I screamed and yanked her off and no doubt terrified the life out of her, but it was just an innate reaction. So don't feel bad about that.

It sounds like you could use some help and a good break. Definitely worth speaking to HV, they might have some strategies or advice.

And please don't be embarrassed. I guarantee every parent has had times when they feel totally at sea. I remember carrying a screaming DD across the car park at soft play while she tried to kick and punch and just sitting in the car in tears while she was in hysterics. We all have shitty days, days where we could have handled things better, days where we are just exhausted from it. No one will have been judging you - my first thought when I see someone having a hard time with their DC is that I'm just glad that it isn't me this time! And to feel empathy because I know what it can be like.

If you're in the mood for some reading, Janet Lansbury books have some really good methods for calmly trying to defuse and avoid things escalating, if you felt like you could use some strategies.

I hope your poor face is okay Bites can be quite nasty so make sure it doesn't get infected and that you are looking after yourself.

Don't worry about the screaming/crying thing at all, he needs to know that it hurts. Hopefully that bit might stay with him. I know it feels personal, but try to remember that in that moment he was out of control, so when you were pulling his hands off, the only thing he could think to do was hold tighter, then he spiralled to biting, all totally physical reactions, I don't know how you could handle it differently, but he almost certainly wasn't really trying to hurt his mummy, just get the physical feedback he needed in that moment. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Oh and it's extremely unlikely to be anything to do with your parenting, so please don't think you have failed in any way. It sounds like you're a caring and loving mum who cares a lot about your relationship with your son. It could be just on the extreme end of 'normal' toddler behaviour or there could be something else worth exploring with a GP or health visitor if it continues, even just to rule out anything else and so you can work out how to approach it. But it's not because you haven't parented 'correctly'. Some toddlers are just very, VERY challenging, and you can be the best parent in the world and still end up a sobbing mess by the end of the day!

Mine would behave badly if tired, hungry, teething or getting a virus. Parenting isn’t easy

This needs urgent help- No way should you be so brutalised by someone only Two years old.

That level of violence isn’t acceptable- it must have been agony for you.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to be around him after he has hurt you so badly.

There might be a medical reason for such an outburst.. Food allergies? sugar? Low blood sugar?
Hunger?
Please contact your GP or health visitor.

I’m sure the other parents were sympathetic-
I saw a much older child than 2 snarling and beating a parent- While the poor parent just had a dazed, frightened look.

That sounds horrible.

I hope you're ok. I would be inclined to take a day or so with minimal contact with DS and let DH do the majority of parenting. Let him do it his own way. Tell DH that you need to recharge after your experience.

Take a good look to see if there are any patterns to DS's behaviour. Keep a diary.

Do the tantrums happen at particular times of the day?
After a night of broken sleep?
After a bath with certain soap/ shampoo?
Look at air allergen info if you can find it - pollen, mould, dust and dander?
Is he worse after eating certain foods?
Drinking certain drinks?

I don't think you should feel bad at all. He was hurting you badly and he got screamed at. I know it is not right but if anyone was pulling my hair out and biting my face, I'm not sure I wouldn't smack them off me in panic.

If this is part of a pattern of behaviour, speak to your health visitor. In the meantime, ensure he is not in a position to rip hair or to bite when he is angry.

He's always had a short fuse, when he loses it he really does lose it and it's horrible to see, he's his own worst enemy. It's been a hard year for us, our baby, his little sister died which was very confusing for him and he does seem by the things he says to not understand why she was there and then not. Not to drip feed. It's nothing something I want to talk about yet particularly, but I'm sure it will of had an effect on him. His communication and speech is very strong, but his temper is definitely manifesting more aggressively lately. I know they pick up on things, but if he's picked up on anything it would just be sadness, we are all very sad and are trying to plod on but we have never shown aggression or violence.

He was sorry and said sorry when we got home, asked for cuddles etc. I did give him one but did also give him to my husband and get away as soon as I could because I felt so sad and didn't want to cry in front of him again. He knows when he's done wrong, I don't know if that makes it better or worse. I will ring a Health visitor, I just worry about looking like I'm not coping.

Please don't be embarrassed! We've all had those awful moments with kids where they're just unbearable. I remember a few incidents with my eldest at the start of lockdown where he was obviously unsettled and just an absolute fiend, every single time I had people coming up and saying they'd had a similar experience and was I ok? It takes a bit of time to get over the shock but please know your not alone (and they tend to grow out of it!).

My face is very sore, but again I worry about going to a gp and having to explain what happened and it look like I'm not coping after what has happened. I will keep an eye on it. My head is still throbbing too. He did a number on me.

Just to reiterate the reins.
My daughter was a monster at 2.Hit, throw food the works. But by 3 was an angel. Now she's 14 and I'm the embarrassing one.
You're doing amazingly xx
These are the ones I had.
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To stop him running into the road, put some reigns on him.

The NHS website specifically said do not wait for signs of infection to seek treatment for a bite that breaks the skin:

www.nhs.uk/conditions/animal-and-human-bites/

I don't think they will think you aren't coping by coming - more likely they will be reassured you know when to seek appropriate support.

I do wonder if losing a sibling will need having an impact - sometimes I think little ones don't know how to deal with their big big feelings and they can end up coming out as frustration or anger because they don't know how to manage them.

Oh OP, no wonder you are feeling so low. I want to give you a big hug! Tomorrow is another day. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, but repeat to yourself that 'this too will pass'. It's a phase, a horrible, upsetting one, but if you carry on with love and affection wherever you can, it will pass. You've all gone through something awful and you are still finding your way through it.

I have not read the full thread but I am so sorry, you must be so very upset. I am not sure what to advise, but before anything else carry on as you have just done trying to put some space between you and him for now, with your husband helping and try to sleep tonight.

Two is very young and tantrums are normal. The baby’s brain hasn’t finished developing and has no control.

Was he tired or hungry? Has he picked up an illness? Has anything upsetting happened to him?

You mentioned that
he was screaming shut up everybody. It seems an unusual thing to say for his age. Is there a reason why he would know words like this?

If your face starts becoming more sore please do see someone -walk in/ gp. Human bites are worse than dog bites- more bacteria.

I’m so sorry op you’ve had a dreadful time . You’re coping brilliantly in the circumstances. Please do see your gp or health visitor - they may be able to offer you some support . I don’t think they’d judge you as not coping . Look after yourself.

Oh OP, what a difficult year you have had.

No one is going to think that you're not coping. They might think you need some time to grieve and find your way, and that you need some support but that isnt the same as not coping. Anyone in your situation would need that.

Please don't be afraid of talking to your health visitor or seeking treatment for the bite. Theyll be there to support you, if you want it. And to help with strategies for your son which might really help.

You poor thing. You've been through a lot 💜

You did some stellar parenting today. You had a completely out of control child and he ended up at home, safe. I would’ve wept. I’ve taken my meltdown-kid out of the supermarket planking and screaming as I tried not to cry. I am so sorry for everything you’ve been through this year. I hope you get some time and space to just breathe.

So, so very sorry about your family’s loss.
I really don’t know how a little one even begins to process that but he has the support of lovely parents.

❤️

It's been a hard year for us, our baby, his little sister died which was very confusing for him and he does seem by the things he says to not understand why she was there and then not.

I am so so sorry, OP💐💐💐 How desperately sad for you all, including your DS. My apologies for not reading all your posts before answering.

@parentingsucks

My face is very sore, but again I worry about going to a gp and having to explain what happened and it look like I'm not coping after what has happened. I will keep an eye on it. My head is still throbbing too. He did a number on me.

Oh no wonder you are feeling so utterly broken. Any sensible, sane GP will have empathy with you {Try and get a woman GP if possible} For you to be so injured, physically, let alone emotionally, you do need help urgently.

So sorry for the loss of your Daughter.