Completely humiliated by my toddler, I'm in bits

[parentingsucks]

My toddler has a horrible temper and throws some epic tantrums, usual two year old behaviour I had always thought until the last few weeks where it's been getting worse. He's started being violent, hitting, biting during tantrums and screaming at us a lot. It's been a tough couple of weeks and today has just sent me over the edge. I'm trying to get away from him and calm down and I'm in the bath trying to relax and I can hear him screaming at my husband and I just want to cry.

We live in a small village on a new estate full of young families. Everyone is very friendly and greets each other by name. There isn't any anonymity. He was having an epic tantrum today as we were walking around the estate, sat down screaming trying to run into the road. I picked him up and started to carry him home and he grabbed both of his hands on to my hair and pulled as hard as he could. I could feel him ripping it out and I was panicking I put him down and tried to peel his hands off and he just pulled harder, I leant him back on to the grass desperately trying to get him off and he just pulled harder and sank his teeth into my cheek so hard it broke the skin on three places. I screamed, people who were outside came running over trying to help, I was crying hysterically, he was screaming shut up everybody, I was just crying harder as heard him he was so rude to so many people.

I got home and got away from him. I don't want to be around him at all he has upset me so much. I'm so shocked by what he did. I'm so mortified so many people saw. I'm so gutted that he is capable of behaving like this, I'm just devastated. I'm in tears again now writing what has happened. It just isn't normal, is it? What the fuck have I done wrong? He's two. I know he's tiny. I try and not get upset at him but I am so hurt by this. So, so hurt.

Oh OP! I really feel for you, how awful. I can promise you that no one will have been thinking bad things about you or your toddler, please don’t feel humiliated. People will just have been concerned and wanting to know if you are OK.

Oh OP, that sounds like a horrible experience 💔 pretty sure I’d have reacted a lot like you! Sending a huge hug.

I disagree that 2 is too young to understand biting hurts. My DD was 2 in March & she absolutely understands biting hurts! She has been known to occasionally bite & I have always made sure it’s a firm no, that hurts mummy. She’s too young to fully get that she mustn’t do it again but her eyes fill with tears when I get cross & she rubs my shoulder & says mummy hurt, sorry mummy 💔

Having worked in nurseries, some kids are far more prone to violent outbursts than others. They will always have tantrums but you can work on how you will react & deal with this phase ( it will get better!)..

I would sit down with your husband and work on a plan you are happy with. Make a plan of how you approach tantrums in public. It may be something like taking a deep breath & just waiting for it to be over. I’ve sat on the floor in Sainsburys before while DD has gone bonkers. I was dying of embarrassment inside but I just kept quietly talking too her and offering her other options. 15 minutes later, she snapped out of it.. felt like 300 hours though 😫 but another mum came up to me & said she was so impressed I stayed so calm .. if only she knew how I was feeling!

Or if that just doesn’t work for you, maybe small things like working out how to anticipate an incoming meltdown & quickly acting to prevent it. Use whatever works, chocolate, crisps, a magazine, sweets 🙈 anything to keep the peace while you are out!

And any further extreme violence like today (extreme for a toddler), a consistent approach. Try to remain calm (hard I know), physically remove him from you if possible. Or at worse, pick him up like a rugby ball & get to your car, house, a safe space ASAP and sort it out where you feel more comfortable. And when he’s calm, you explain very firmly that he really hurt mummy & made her very sad. You would like him not to do that again.

I really hope you are OK OP. Don’t worry about your neighbours, if they’ve got kids, they’ve all been there! And if they haven’t, well, who cares! When you next see them, just be honest & open that his behaviour shocked you and thank them for helping 🧡

OP you must be so shaken

His reaction does sound quite extreme, I definitely think it’s worth speaking to the HV or GP at this point. You haven’t done anything wrong - some toddlers are really, really difficult and much less responsive to the usual disciplinary methods.

I hope you manage to have a bit of peace, maybe get an early night and start a new book?

Hugs x

OP my daughter wasn’t violent but Jesus Christ she used to cry for England. If crying consistently was an Olympic sport she would have won every fucking medal on the podium. She used to literally cling to me like a limpet it was exhausting. I constantly felt like I was being judged by other people.

She is 14 now, today while we were at the shops I tried to hold her hand. She shrugged me away with a god mum you are so embarrassing! The bloody nerve of it.

It will get better but if you are concerned speak to the HV or GP.

I’m so sorry for you. Most people won’t judge and who cares about those who do. Walk out tomorrow with your head held high. Be on your toddlers team in that sense.

I have a 2 year old who is prone to hitting, head butting and throwing epic tantrums. They’re incredibly strong and incredibly wilful and I have found very few strategies for dealing with the worst (much easier at home but almost impossible out). Apparently it’s always due to a need that’s not being met or a connection they are seeking - I will DM if I crack the code!!

For now - have a cry, be kind to yourself and think through (with DH) how you can approach tomorrow 100% in support of your toddler who is likely to be struggling in their own way.

A little practical tip. If someone pulls your hair, the urge is to try to pull away. If you can press their hand onto your scalp, the pain goes and you can think clearly again

When DD1 was just shy of 2 and DD2 was a newborn, I took them both to a local playgroup where we were regulars.

DD1 was absolutely hideous to me all morning, ran out of the building into the car park (somehow bypassing the anti-toddler lock) and almost made it to the road before I caught her. I was screaming her name in fear.
Then, as I was telling her how dangerous it was and how frightened I had been, she pulled my hair as hard as she could. I just burst into tears.

I was so embarrassed, but nobody thought badly of me. The organisers did share some support mechanisms (not directed at me, but I’m sure because of) the next week.

This is the occasion I vividly remember, but there were others.

DD1 is now the most empathetic child I know. She could do with worrying less about other people, in fact.

It’s absolutely horrible. By all means, seek help if you want/need it, but it may well pass by itself. Wishing you all the very best.

I used to tie my hair back, wear no jewellery, and deal with violent tantrums outside with a backpack/lead. If I didn’t have that with me then I’d hold the back of my DS’s jumper/collar/hood - not putting pressure the neck, more to get a firm grip on clothing in the upper back area so I had some control without risk of injury to myself. He’s a pretty great 8 year old now. It passes usually.

OP, I am sure nobody with an ounce of sense or empathy would be judging you. I'm sorry you've had such a tough time today.

One of my DC had the most horrendous tantrums (kicking, biting, screaming - they were in fact ASD meltdowns). Things that helped were:

Reins (as PP have said). I said I'd never do it, but it keeps them safe.

I am absolutely tiny, and there's no way I could carry a screaming and kicking toddler, so I had to develop other methods for tantrums when out and about. The most successful was taking a book to read. If DS dug his heels in and refused to walk/started thrashing around on the ground, I would get my book out. I would say that I would just read for a bit while he did what he was doing. It didn't stop him doing it, but it definitely reduced the duration and force. I didn't ignore him, but if he was screaming about refusing to walk, I would say "that's fine - we can stay here until you're ready to carry on." It took some of the heat out of it, and also deprived him of an audience. Obviously if we were in a hurry, I just had to stuff him in the buggy (not easy when he went like a board).

Guided choices can also help - walk (on reins) or sit in the buggy.

Some of the time, you can nip the problems in the bud before they actually arise. Talking through what's going to happen can help - as can having a focus to the walk, even if it's something like posting a letter. ("We're going to go for a walk to the post box and buy some bread for lunch. When we get home, we'll read a story/play a game/whatever he likes"). As you're walking, you fill in some details - "we'll pass X's house and Y's house, and the house with the green door and a number 3 on it". "Ooh, that's funny - I can't see the post box. Where has it gone?" (gives DS the chance to say it's over there, silly Mummy). "Oh - so it is! Are you going to put the letter in it or am I? Who's that a picture of on the stamp? Won't Granny be happy to get your letter?" etc, etc, etc. Then remind him you're going to the shop, and he can choose which bread rolls or whatever. Then remind him that you're going back home now, and he can start thinking about what he wants to do with you when you get back. Story or game?

It's bloody tiring, but it does help to head things off before they get up a head of steam.

Please don’t worry! I don’t judge other parents that way and I’m sure lots of other people don’t either. Also, I learnt over time how the embarrassment will go away and eventually all that matters is what you did to help your baby. From your post I can already tell that you will do all you can to find the best way forward for your child. Maybe tonight just take deep breaths, a good tv show or whatever relaxes you and tomorrow you make a plan. Today was a bad day but overall you’ve got this! ❤️

I have an 11 year old who does this.
Obviously he is not developmentally 11, but it is so hard at times.

2 year olds really can push boundaries and it can be really hard to remember they really dont understand the impact of what they are doing.

I actually researched safe ways to restrain mine to prevent her hurting me/herself/brother after she pushed my head and it hit a door frame hard.

He will actually feel safer/calmer if you can take control when he is like this & show him you will prevent anyone getting hurt.

It's completely fine for you to react to being hurt by crying etc.

Be prepared, when this sort of thing happens, sometimes toddlers will laugh or smile at you. It's actually a sign they are dont like what has happened & want to fix it. They see how upset you are, it's scary for them, so they try to make it better - they know that usually if they smile at you you smile back, so they do that instinctively.

Although toddlers can be very cute at times, for many it's survival of an endurance test. I found it very hard at times to cope and had many tears but he turned into the sweetest boy and even at 13 is a so kind and now loves following rules etc. Take time out and this will pass.

@Cryingintherain99

I have an 11 year old who does this. Obviously he is not developmentally 11, but it is so hard at times.

That must be really hard

@parentingsucks

I know I shouldn't of screamed and cried in front of him it was just the shock, pain and knowing how many people were around I just didn't feel in control at all

Of course you screamed and cried !!!! Anyone would - Please dont blame yourself for a totally normal Reaction

please go to the doctors immediately and get the bite looked over, human bites are incredibly dangerous and it could be infected!

Poor you OP. You did so well. Have a bar of chocolate and a glass of wine. What a tough day. I wouldn’t have judged you.

@Shouldbedoing

A little practical tip. If someone pulls your hair, the urge is to try to pull away. If you can press their hand onto your scalp, the pain goes and you can think clearly again

Breakaway training 😊

You handled t he situation so well OP. I’m so sorry

I wouldn’t say that was “normal tantrums” though. Speak to a professional. Sounds like he might need help.

I'm going to go against the grain on this thread though and say offering choices all the time doesnt always help long term, although it can calm behaviour short term. I did it with my first and found it created a
certain sense of entitlement - he always expected to be able to choose, and in life, you don't always get to. Often you won't get to choose the red cake or the blue cake. You get what you are given and need to be able to accept that and not kick off.

With my second I decided not to be manufacturing choices and giving the illusion of her having control. It was harder short term, but long term she is better at accepting situations where there's no choice and she has to get on with it.

I have a two year old who has epic tantrums and I can assure you that I would not be judging you at all. Sounds like a very tough situation to be in, especially when you were hurt - please give yourself a break.
As PP have said, the 2 year old brain is not developed enough yet to have any empathy for your situation. They are just angry and lashing out in the 'fight or flight' response. I'm sure it is just a phase - a horrible one at that - and it will pass.
Try not to beat yourself up and any parents that saw would not be judging you, but empathetic (unless they have a rare 'perfect' toddler as a few PP on this thread seem to have!!).

@Shouldbedoing @Schmz I completely forgot all breakaway training when my dd pulled my hair 🤣 wasn't where I expected to need it haha

I'd consider giving 111 a ring to see if they think you need to be prescribed antibiotics. The mouth is full of bacteria and broken skin from a bite can lead to a nasty infection.

Just to highlight a previous poster's point about pulling someone's hand towards you not away when they are pulling your hair - like when you hold hair above the brush to brush it.

I hear you. We're in the thick of it here. In the process of moving and now all have covid and all day he. just. SCREAMS. He used to be the jolliest kid ever, barely ever cried. I feel awful because he won't allow my other children near me for any attention. I would also like to say please don't feel embarrassed! His behaviour has nothing to do with you. You certainly copped a beauty so don't need to feel awful on top of that.