Completely humiliated by my toddler, I'm in bits

[parentingsucks]

My toddler has a horrible temper and throws some epic tantrums, usual two year old behaviour I had always thought until the last few weeks where it's been getting worse. He's started being violent, hitting, biting during tantrums and screaming at us a lot. It's been a tough couple of weeks and today has just sent me over the edge. I'm trying to get away from him and calm down and I'm in the bath trying to relax and I can hear him screaming at my husband and I just want to cry.

We live in a small village on a new estate full of young families. Everyone is very friendly and greets each other by name. There isn't any anonymity. He was having an epic tantrum today as we were walking around the estate, sat down screaming trying to run into the road. I picked him up and started to carry him home and he grabbed both of his hands on to my hair and pulled as hard as he could. I could feel him ripping it out and I was panicking I put him down and tried to peel his hands off and he just pulled harder, I leant him back on to the grass desperately trying to get him off and he just pulled harder and sank his teeth into my cheek so hard it broke the skin on three places. I screamed, people who were outside came running over trying to help, I was crying hysterically, he was screaming shut up everybody, I was just crying harder as heard him he was so rude to so many people.

I got home and got away from him. I don't want to be around him at all he has upset me so much. I'm so shocked by what he did. I'm so mortified so many people saw. I'm so gutted that he is capable of behaving like this, I'm just devastated. I'm in tears again now writing what has happened. It just isn't normal, is it? What the fuck have I done wrong? He's two. I know he's tiny. I try and not get upset at him but I am so hurt by this. So, so hurt.

Mirw have you read all of ops comments on this thread or are you generally this thoughtless and lacking in empathy ?

Have you read the full thread Mirw, or even just all OP's posts? A little understanding on your part might be nice. This is a family suffering a bereavement.

OP, I'm sorry that you're having such a rough time. Help from your HV and GP has been mentioned, and I would like to suggest Cruse, who offer bereavement counselling. They might offer help with your family unit and/or with your little boy.
I hope this is of some use.

Bereavement counseling sounds like such a good idea. I'm glad someone had suggested the name of someone who offers this.

@Daqqe

Oh OP, that sounds like a horrible experience 💔 pretty sure I’d have reacted a lot like you! Sending a huge hug.

I disagree that 2 is too young to understand biting hurts. My DD was 2 in March & she absolutely understands biting hurts! She has been known to occasionally bite & I have always made sure it’s a firm no, that hurts mummy. She’s too young to fully get that she mustn’t do it again but her eyes fill with tears when I get cross & she rubs my shoulder & says mummy hurt, sorry mummy 💔

Having worked in nurseries, some kids are far more prone to violent outbursts than others. They will always have tantrums but you can work on how you will react & deal with this phase ( it will get better!)..

I would sit down with your husband and work on a plan you are happy with. Make a plan of how you approach tantrums in public. It may be something like taking a deep breath & just waiting for it to be over. I’ve sat on the floor in Sainsburys before while DD has gone bonkers. I was dying of embarrassment inside but I just kept quietly talking too her and offering her other options. 15 minutes later, she snapped out of it.. felt like 300 hours though 😫 but another mum came up to me & said she was so impressed I stayed so calm .. if only she knew how I was feeling!

Or if that just doesn’t work for you, maybe small things like working out how to anticipate an incoming meltdown & quickly acting to prevent it. Use whatever works, chocolate, crisps, a magazine, sweets 🙈 anything to keep the peace while you are out!

And any further extreme violence like today (extreme for a toddler), a consistent approach. Try to remain calm (hard I know), physically remove him from you if possible. Or at worse, pick him up like a rugby ball & get to your car, house, a safe space ASAP and sort it out where you feel more comfortable. And when he’s calm, you explain very firmly that he really hurt mummy & made her very sad. You would like him not to do that again.

I really hope you are OK OP. Don’t worry about your neighbours, if they’ve got kids, they’ve all been there! And if they haven’t, well, who cares! When you next see them, just be honest & open that his behaviour shocked you and thank them for helping 🧡

Firstly I hope you are ok! This is a horrible experience.

I agree with the writer above .2 year old do have the capacity to understand what causing pain is.It is fortunate that this level of pain want inflicted to another 2 year old.
Perhaps its worth looking into professional help.See what would help getting him to understand and behave differently when feeling emotional.
I have seen couple outburst from children recently. On just yesterday when mother wouldn't buy her son a sweet he wanted and he walloped her in the face.This is somewhat new and I don't remember ever seing this when I was younger.Perhaps something to look into

Cruse is a charity working across England, Wales and Northern Ireland. The service does not charge but welcomes donations.

I remember my daughter going through a similar phase at that age .
Almost yanking my hair out and me having to carry her all the way home with her screaming and clawing at me.
So I completely understand and you reacted in a way the majority of people would have. Hope you're ok .

OP, there is help available for your DS - please take it. He has lost his baby stister and is struggling to make sense of his upended world. He sounds like a lovely, frightened boy who is overwhelmed but keen to put things right. Rather like his you, OP. You and DH cannot be expected to know how to best help him.

You and DH are reeling but there are lots of experts and organisations who can support you through this terrible time and will know how to help a young child like DS. Unfortunately, they have many years' experience of such situations.

Your DS is very young now but he will be creating internal narratives to make sense of this situation and he will carry these into his older years. If these narratives are unhelpful (eg I can't trust anyone as I may inexplicably lose them) they will make his life very difficult.

I know it's hard but please chase down some help. Don't be worried about what people might think - your story is heartbreaking and you are doing great but you all need some support. It may also help you to do something proactive.

Here are two numbers to begin with but there are many other organisations (eg Sands, Grief Encounter) .

www.childbereavementuk.org - National Helpline: 0800 02 888 40

www.winstonswish.org/ - National Helpline on 08088 020 021

Good luck to you, DH and your beautiful boy.

Absolutely your son needs to learn what grief is and to grieve. I’m so sorry for your loss.

@impossible is spot on.

With regards to restraining your son - running away may not be the answer if it winds him up more.

I used to get behind my children and cross their arms across their body and sit them on the floor crossing their legs (like they would at school!). I then sit with my legs around them (holding them still), a complete surrounded hug, but protecting me from hands/feet/teeth.

If they riled around I could go backwards so they could lie on top of me. & we could sit up again.
I could judge as they calmed and loosen off.

The only thing they could headbutt was my stomach/boob’s…. & they’re soft enough to not do any damage. …. Just keep your chin out the way!

& if she does get old of your hair, pinch him between thumb and index finger, it releases what anyone is gripping.

Maybe worth a try.

Good luck!

It sounds like you're going through a really tough time both in general and with your toddler. And he's obviously going through a tough time too.

You've already had advice about your toddler and seems like you're awaiting professional help too. The only thing I would add is don't feel humiliated. Any parent knows how much a kid can embarrass you with their behaviour. Just fake it until you make it - act like you're a cool, calm in control setter of boundaries. Your job as his parent is to set the correct boundaries; he may we'll tantrum and that is fine he's allowed to be upset but you'll continue to hold that boundary calmly. If anybody looks, they're either just thanking god that today it's some other parents putting up with it today or trying to send you an encouraging smile. If anybody is judging, fuck them. It's none of their business.

Disclaimer- I only take my own advice 10% of the time and have definitely felt embarrassed by my own kid's behaviour in the park this week!

@impossible is spot on.

I second this.

Just adding another voice of support for @impossible 's great post.

This is not an issue that can be solved with stricter boundaries and sanctions. The boundaries are clear. He knows it's not OK, he understands - so why is he still doing it? Because he can't not. He is only two and he cannot regulate himself when he gets into a spiral like this.

All this blah blah I work in nurseries isn't helpful because this is way beyond the kind of behaviour that a mainstream nursery could handle, a child would be excluded if displaying this kind of behaviour in that setting for the safety of staff and other children, mainstream nursery staff are not trained to handle it. And no that does not mean the child is "bad", it means they are struggling massively. No child wants to behave like this.

So you need help to sort out what he's struggling with - that could very well be grief/loss, it also would not hurt to have another assessment since 3 is very different to 14 months. But please contact the charities that impossible mentions as experienced support will be invaluable to you and much more helpful than randoms on the internet with no experience of behaviourally challenging children.

I don't think you reacted poorly at all. Alot of us would have lost our sh*t long before. 2 year olds are tough, but he does sound a little more eccentric than the 'average'. I'd speak to your GP, even if only to have it highlighted as a potential issue for later years if something pops up such as additional needs etc.

Give yourself a break, for you to be so upset by it shows that you're an amazing, caring mum.

Taking yourself out of the situation is exactly what you should do.

Keep pushing through and take breaks when you need.

Dont worry about people seeing the outburst, I'm sure most didnt even better an eyelid and those who will make comments are the ones you dont need in your life anyway.

Befriend some of the mums and discuss with them his behaviour and itll make heading out alot easier as they will know the situation.

You got this, I'm sure of it xxx

“impossible

OP, there is help available for your DS - please take it. He has lost his baby stister and is struggling to make sense of his upended world. He sounds like a lovely, frightened boy who is overwhelmed but keen to put things right. Rather like his you, OP. You and DH cannot be expected to know how to best help him.

You and DH are reeling but there are lots of experts and organisations who can support you through this terrible time and will know how to help a young child like DS. Unfortunately, they have many years' experience of such situations.

Your DS is very young now but he will be creating internal narratives to make sense of this situation and he will carry these into his older years. If these narratives are unhelpful (eg I can't trust anyone as I may inexplicably lose them) they will make his life very difficult.

I know it's hard but please chase down some help. Don't be worried about what people might think - your story is heartbreaking and you are doing great but you all need some support. It may also help you to do something proactive.

Here are two numbers to begin with but there are many other organisations (eg Sands, Grief Encounter) .

www.childbereavementuk.org - National Helpline: 0800 02 888 40

www.winstonswish.org/ - National Helpline on 08088 020 021

Good luck to you, DH and your beautiful boy.”

What good advice here from impossible.

I think you've possibly massively under estimated how the loss of his sister has effected him. He can't make sense of it and this behaviour is because his world has been completely rocked.

Speak to everyone, GP, HV and the charities suggested. You can't cope or help your son without support and that's fine, one of the bravest things we can do as a parent is admit defeat and say I need help with this.

You need more help and advice than this forum can provide. Start with your GP. But contrary to what others have said and while you’re waiting for GP/ professional help I would ignore the language and focus on reducing the violence. Make his bedroom a safe space, nothing hard/ sharp or throwable and when he is in a calm mood explain that he will not be allowed to hurt mummy any more and you know he doesn’t want to hurt mummy because he loves you. So if he attacks you say ‘ no hurting mummy’ if he doesn’t stop pick him up preferably from the back wrapping his arms and put him in his bedroom. He’s 3 so give him 3 mins then ask if he’s ready to come out and be calm. I wouldn’t be taking things off him for saying shut up he’s lost his lively sister.

So sorry I meant lovely sister.

I hope that you are ok

Just to say that nothing you have or haven’t done has caused this. Please don’t worry about what other people think - parents or not, people understand that young children can behave difficultly.

I agree with PPs about getting some early help and support. It sounds more than typical toddler tantrums and you both deserve some help to manage it best. It’s not in any way a reflection of your parenting skills, so please don’t be afraid to seek some support.

Wow, lots of replies and discussion here! First off, my 21 month old bites, hits and pulls hair. Completely different to my 5YO DD, at odds with our parenting style and took me by surprise. You're not alone there, every child is different.
On a practical note - if a child is pulling your hair, push their hand flat against your skull rather than try and pull it away. If they try and bite you, push your arm or hand or whatever into the bite/their mouth. They're both non-violent responses which help realise a child's grip safely. (I get that would be very hard to do with your cheek!). Hubby is a CAHM trained ASN teacher and I worked in nurseries. Hope these might help any other parents out there in similar positions.

Hi
You have done nothing wrong toddler are hard work. I’ve been there and turned our my twins had sensory processing problems.
I noticed that you said that he was shout for people to be quiet maybe write down what happened before he had a meltdown and keep a diary to help identify triggers.
Triggers can be something like being in noisy environment, bright environment, social situations, hungry, types of clothes.
I would also recommend snacks take a handbag of snacks every where you go it’s the best way to distract a child about to have meltdown.

I feel like i could've written this myself. I'm struggling so much with my 4 year olds behaviour. I've been so down about it all. I'm definitely considering some professional help for him because it's getting too much. I live on my own with my little boy and i want to know how i can support him properly. My inbox is open if you'd ever want to let off some steam. Hope you get the help you need and it all settles down soon for you. Remember you're doing an amazing job x

It’s really hard because you are scared in those moments and you are grieving. But you need to change your approach now. Your son is two. You are treating him like a much older child. He can’t de-escalate on his own. He can’t control himself. He can’t manage his overwhelming emotions (including anger - which probably has fear at its root) without you. I think you need to try to see an educational psychologist if you can. And look on Google for ‘behaviour is communication’. Your tiny child is scaring you but you need to stop running away. In his tiny child’s mind he js probably terrified that either he will disappear or that you will. If you’re explaining this loss of his sister this is his way of showing you something of how he’s feeling about that. He doesn’t have emotional capability to identify his huge emotions, name them let alone manage them. He needs your help. The taking of the toy was the trigger, but you didn’t cause this level of outburst. What you must also recognise is that neither did he - he cannot control himself once he’s flipped his lid like that. because he can say sorry afterwards is absolutely no sign at all that he’s in control or understands what’s happened. Please try to get help from a professional who can help you to reconnect with your two year old and understand what he is capable of and how to help him manage these powerful emotions that are scary for him as well as you. He sounds like a little boy who is scared. Talk to his nursery, look up an Ed psych or even just Google Jon Cree and behaviour is communication - you’ll get some insights that may help. I really hope so. You’ve been through such a lot, I cant éven begin to imagine the pain of losing a baby but your two your old is practically a baby too and although it’s hard to remember when he is pulling and hurting you, he really really needs your help. Can you get counselling for yourself too so that you can better support him? If I knew you irl I would be wanting to help so much and give you both a huge hug. Thinking of you and good luck.

Just to add - just because he doesn’t seem upset at other times about his sister doesn’t mean he isn’t. Again, because he is two and he doesn’t experience the world in the same way as an adult. His crazy loss of control and screaming - that is him communicating

My friend's son behaved very similarly to yours and it escalated when he went to school. He was extremely violent towards the other children and that's when she received help. Before then the hv fobbed her off saying he was strong willed etc.

What helped her get the help she needed ironically was when he was violent at school. The school always said up until that point that because he was well behaved, there wasn't a problem. I would film his episode and show it to his nursery and GP and ask for a special needs assessment. There has to be something else going on as well as your recent bereavement. I am so sorry to hear about your little baby. RIP.