Completely humiliated by my toddler, I'm in bits

[parentingsucks]

My toddler has a horrible temper and throws some epic tantrums, usual two year old behaviour I had always thought until the last few weeks where it's been getting worse. He's started being violent, hitting, biting during tantrums and screaming at us a lot. It's been a tough couple of weeks and today has just sent me over the edge. I'm trying to get away from him and calm down and I'm in the bath trying to relax and I can hear him screaming at my husband and I just want to cry.

We live in a small village on a new estate full of young families. Everyone is very friendly and greets each other by name. There isn't any anonymity. He was having an epic tantrum today as we were walking around the estate, sat down screaming trying to run into the road. I picked him up and started to carry him home and he grabbed both of his hands on to my hair and pulled as hard as he could. I could feel him ripping it out and I was panicking I put him down and tried to peel his hands off and he just pulled harder, I leant him back on to the grass desperately trying to get him off and he just pulled harder and sank his teeth into my cheek so hard it broke the skin on three places. I screamed, people who were outside came running over trying to help, I was crying hysterically, he was screaming shut up everybody, I was just crying harder as heard him he was so rude to so many people.

I got home and got away from him. I don't want to be around him at all he has upset me so much. I'm so shocked by what he did. I'm so mortified so many people saw. I'm so gutted that he is capable of behaving like this, I'm just devastated. I'm in tears again now writing what has happened. It just isn't normal, is it? What the fuck have I done wrong? He's two. I know he's tiny. I try and not get upset at him but I am so hurt by this. So, so hurt.

Op I hope you are ok. Did you manage to speak to your GP?

I think your DS is picking up on the emotions you have repressed. Children can be far more sensitive than given credit for. And stop trying to hug him when is angry it will just make him feel more anger.
He needs help to express negative emotions without violence but being "nice" won't do that. Give him physical space and tell him violence hurts too much and yo will not allow him to hurt you.
You are doing your best but all the "be kind" "and gentle" is not really helpful with trauma of grief. He is feeling for you he will be fine with some help.

@parentingsucks I'm going through the same thing with my 4 (nearly 5) year old. My DS hasn't had a bereavement though. He attacks me, threatens me, pulls my hair, claws my face ect. I have no idea how to discipline him. I'm really stuck on how to deal with it. It's worth noting that my DS doesn't show these behaviours at school.

Sorry op I really feel for you! It's very worrying and I'm sorry you're going through this x

He's seemingly coped ok with the loss of his sister. We've had to explain multiple times a day. I know he doesn't understand but he's not been outwardly upset about it.

I think this rage and attack IS him outwardly showing you he's terribly upset, confused and frightened by your family loss. He knows " Someone who is loved and adored and treated very gently can just disappear. That could happen to me, because it happened to our baby. It could happen to my Mummy." He's doing everything he can think of to physically control you so you can't escape from him, and won't disappear.

He feels overwhelmed, just like you do.

You must get some professional help . Don't hold back, tell your GP , "I'm NOT COPING ".

I have to say this sounds quite extreme. I have never experienced this level of aggression from a child or seen it from a friends'. Consider getting some professional help on the matter because without observing I wouldn't be able say why a child would behave like that. Routines and calm etc is key of course. But remember you are the boss and he must learn that.

Oh bless you OP. Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss. ❤

Everyone's given such good advice. I'd definitely go and see the health visitor and talk to them about everything, including the impact the loss of his sister might be having.

Sending strength.

If it makes you feel better, my 1 year old dd was feeding in her carrier whilst we were walking around a very busy nt house full of children , she bit my nipple hard enough to draw blood I screamed the F word, the scowls I got, I felt awful but we all have crap days, I have 4 children and my oldest was a difficult toddler he has now been diagnosed with ADHD , I'd get him checked out at the GPS if this is a regular thing x

Massive sympathies. He has no idea he is causing you pain, though that doesn’t help when he is!

I have one tip to add: when you need to pick him up during a tantrum, eg to get him out of danger, put him under your arm horizontally like a small roll of carpet. His arms will be between your arm and your side and his legs kicking empty air. Just to get him somewhere safe without him having the opportunity to kick/bite you or pull your hair.

@parentingsucks so sorry for the loss of your daughter. What a horrible time for you.

You are all grieving, including your little boy in his own way. You are doing everything within your power to keep him and you safe. That includes seeking help for you all. I hope that you get the support you need and deserve and I’m so sorry this is happening.

parentingsucks I hope things improve.

I wanted to reassure you with early intervention and support from the gp, health nurse and OT things will improve.

My DS has a emotional deregulation disorder and ASD he attacked me a lot at your child's age, OT really helped him and me to see his reactions, he is 7 now he is a beautiful lovely kind little boy whose had to learn how to cope with sensory processing problems and deregulation.

Sometimes I feel guilty about the lovely boy who was trapped by anger, I thought badly of him more than once, now I see how difficult an overload was for him.

OT is your friend.

Hurting others and himself so severely obviously needs urgent help.
biting and assault to that extent is concerning in one so young, no matter what has happened.
If the violence has only begun since the tragic loss of his sister, it is more “Understandable “

No child at any age should be allowed to express themselves with violence , either to themselves or others.
Exercise may tire him out more- lots of outdoor running and fresh air, If possible.

@parentingsucks
I think you need to find a safe place to put him when he kicks off. You might need a bit of Herculean strength, but strap him in to pushchair/high chair?? And then I’d get something up on my mobile to distract. DS loves Numberblocks, and calms down in an instant when it’s on. Might not be in any parenting handbook, but sounds like desperate measures are needed. Until he’s calmed down - and the I’d try the reasoning.

@oakleaffy

Hurting others and himself so severely obviously needs urgent help. biting and assault to that extent is concerning in one so young, no matter what has happened. If the violence has only begun since the tragic loss of his sister, it is more “Understandable “

No child at any age should be allowed to express themselves with violence , either to themselves or others.
Exercise may tire him out more- lots of outdoor running and fresh air, If possible.

Assault?? He pulled hair and bit, probably due to being overwhelmed by passers by rushing over and all being involved. He is 2 years old. Your post is beyond extreme.

*Hurting others and himself so severely obviously needs urgent help.
biting and assault to that extent is concerning in one so young, no matter what has happened.
If the violence has only begun since the tragic loss of his sister, it is more “Understandable “

No child at any age should be allowed to express themselves with violence , either to themselves or others.
Exercise may tire him out more- lots of outdoor running and fresh air, If possible.*

Just curious here what help you think you can get? My son hits and bites a lot, he is autistic and sensory seeking. We see OT, SLT, Portage, plus private behavioural therapists - no one can stop him doing this because he doesn't have the comprehension to stop. We are trying so many strategies and have been for nearly a year.
I feel like people always think the support is a magic wand but in reality they often just tell you to keep doing what you're doing.

your response is normal and understandable. Without being alarmist, I think you should explain all this to your GP, as it sounds to me as though he MIGHT be autistic - the range is huge. Regardless, you need some support with this. Good luck x

Massive hugs, it's so hard when we see behaviour in our kids that we don't like, especially when they are so good in other ways.
I can't imagine how you felt with the second episode you've described. I've no idea what I would have done, and the feeling of wanting to fight back are both natural (it's human nature to fight or flee) and also hard to cope with as a mum.

The one thing I've found that's helped with tantrums etc at that age is giving them more responsibility. A lot of our bad phases seem to come when she's been getting frustrated at not being able to do stuff. Getting her to do more, that she can be proud of herself seems to help. I've used some of the montessori ideas like feeding the family pet, getting out diner stuff, getting some of her own clothes on etc.
Also I've cut down screen time and done more physical stuff like park walks as that seems to help too.
I hope find some improvement soon, parenting is so tough x

I have been thinking about this, and what a very difficult situation it is for all of you.

I absolutely second impossible's post, as well as the suggestion to go to the GP.

One thing I do wonder about is creating a safe space for him - it won't help if you're out, but at home is there any way you can create a safe space that's soft and without hard corners where he can go and wear himself out? Maybe we soothing music, favourite (soft) toys etc. I don't think is deliberately bad behaviour because he sounds as though he feels dreadful afterwards so I wonder if you need to treat it like a medical meltdown and use the concomitant coping strategies.

I know lots of posters are suggesting that you get you child assessed for autism but I think it is much more likely he has attachment difficulties. Losing a sibling is a massive trauma and he was too young at the time to really be able to make sense of it so unable to process his emotions. It sounds like you are all having a really tough time. I would find a child psychologist who specialises in trauma and attachment and work from there. Also a parent infant psychotherapist if you have a team near you. You can search here parentinfantfoundation.org.uk/network/locations/

First of all, I'm incredibly sorry for you that your daughter died.

Second of all, you need some parenting classes & some support.

You seem more worried about what neighbours or passers by might think than concern or understanding for your very little boy who is dealing with very big emotions - his own and yours!

He is undoubtedly picking up on your sadness and grief and perhaps your attachment to him has been affected by this more than you realise.

The way you've written about him, the way you've phrased it, makes it sound like you're being "attacked" by a grown man with intention to do you great harm - he's a toddler! Your toddler ... I have empathy for you but more for your son who, if you don't address & fix these issues, will be affected for his whole life.

So much sympathy for you OP - I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m a paediatrician; there is a huge spectrum of normal behaviour at this age, and certainly we would not rush towards medicalising this issue. I just wanted to add that bereavement can have a huge impact on all of you, especially siblings. It is not uncommon for young children to fear that, because one family member has been “taken away”, that it could happen to others in the family or to themselves. This level of rage is on the extreme end, but not necessarily unexpected. Toddlers are quite good at picking up on grief and anxiety, yet can’t always understand and process. A tantrum can continue or as long as the focus of rage is still there. This does not indicate anything wrong with your boy; besides that he is distressed. The reaction you describe following this - the empathy, the chagrin - this does not suggest SEN or autistic tendencies to me. However, the distress you all must feel will be potent and mutually exacerbating. I’d definitely advise asking for some support to help you find a path through this difficult time. As a professional, we would have nothing but sympathy and admiration for a parent who asks for help. I’d start with a GP or HV, and specifically ask about bereavement services - they will had experience in dealing with the deep yet confusing grief experienced by young children. Also, look after yourself, allow yourself to be human, praise yourself for coping well most of the time, yet don’t feel you have to cope all of the time.

Hope you are ok @parentingsucks 💐