Completely humiliated by my toddler, I'm in bits

[parentingsucks]

My toddler has a horrible temper and throws some epic tantrums, usual two year old behaviour I had always thought until the last few weeks where it's been getting worse. He's started being violent, hitting, biting during tantrums and screaming at us a lot. It's been a tough couple of weeks and today has just sent me over the edge. I'm trying to get away from him and calm down and I'm in the bath trying to relax and I can hear him screaming at my husband and I just want to cry.

We live in a small village on a new estate full of young families. Everyone is very friendly and greets each other by name. There isn't any anonymity. He was having an epic tantrum today as we were walking around the estate, sat down screaming trying to run into the road. I picked him up and started to carry him home and he grabbed both of his hands on to my hair and pulled as hard as he could. I could feel him ripping it out and I was panicking I put him down and tried to peel his hands off and he just pulled harder, I leant him back on to the grass desperately trying to get him off and he just pulled harder and sank his teeth into my cheek so hard it broke the skin on three places. I screamed, people who were outside came running over trying to help, I was crying hysterically, he was screaming shut up everybody, I was just crying harder as heard him he was so rude to so many people.

I got home and got away from him. I don't want to be around him at all he has upset me so much. I'm so shocked by what he did. I'm so mortified so many people saw. I'm so gutted that he is capable of behaving like this, I'm just devastated. I'm in tears again now writing what has happened. It just isn't normal, is it? What the fuck have I done wrong? He's two. I know he's tiny. I try and not get upset at him but I am so hurt by this. So, so hurt.

Sorry for what you've all been through. I think a health visitor would be pleased to be given the chance to help you. There is no shame, honestly, in leaning on others when you need to. Sending love ❤️

Omg you poor thing! So so sorry for your loss.
I am suggesting this very gently but might it be worth getting your son checked out? Tantrums are obviously normal toddler behaviour but if he is having extremely violent and frequent tantrums, there might be something that would need investigating?
Re today it sounds like you live in a lovely friendly places. I'm sure your neighbours will be supportive.

I'm so sorry that your daughter died. That's too much to hear and to have to do it whilst caring for a toddler is beyond unimaginable for most of us. FWIW I think that you behaved exactly normally today and you shouldn't feel humiliated (maybe easier said then done!).

It could well be that he's struggling to understand what happened to his sister and the confusion is expressed as random anger/combined in normal tantrums. Assuming you don't have a degree in child psychology and masters specialising in toddlers dealing with sibling-loss, then I think he could well be helped by someone who knows about those things. I know you don't want to talk about it, but you could write some of what you've posted on the thread down for a HV and/or GP including the part saying you're not ready to discuss it. They would understand. And they could direct you towards help for your son, who sounds a sweetheart apart from the awful incident - he apologised. That's a big deal for such a young kid. Any help you get for him is unlikely to be immediate anyway, so getting on a waiting list is always better sooner rather than later.

You also sound like a great mum. Really. You're in a really difficult phase and navigating that through grief. The pain and sadness don't make you a bad mother, or mean you're doing anything wrong. Your reaction of giving him a hug at home and then taking yourself off (ie respecting your own limits and responding empathically to him) show that you're a lovely person and a good mum.

Please take care of the bit - clean it, ice it and call 112 to check. If it gets infected then you're going to have a lot of visual reminders of this with more people seeing and more questions. If you want to minimise it all, do whatever it takes now to reduce the bruising and potential infection.

And big hugs OP, very big hugs.

*too much to BEAR!

Oh my love you've been through so much. 💙 I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. Please do go and see your GP. No one will think badly of you - reaching out for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength.

My little sister used to bite. She bit my Mum, other children etc then she bit my Aunt and she bit her back. She did not bite again.

Aw, they're all so different and 2 is still very young, a baby really.

He will probably be mortified if you tell him about this in a couple of years.

It does get easier.

@caringcarer and did your aunt ever learn to stop biting people?

You’ve had lots of great advice I won’t repeat but one thing I do want to say and forgive me if I’m well off the mark here…

Pee with the door closed.

Being a martyr to our childrens needs is admirable when we are talking organ donation but on a day to day basis your children will have more respect for you if you teach them relatively early on that they can survive a moment and wait for you with the bathroom door closed.

Not only will they have more respect for you as a person for saying no and making it mean something they will be less likely to run off in public when you need them to wait for you a moment they will have had regular practice!

Sorry you had a rough day, teaching them to name and manage their emotions while keeping your own in check is challenging and exhausting especially if you care about doing it right ❤️

The fact that you’re trying so hard means you kid will probably be fine. They just need your love, attention and guidance

Speaking of guidance. You need to tell him how upset you are and make it really clear he crossed a line and that won’t be tolerated.
In order to grow his feelings you have to share yours ❤️

one never gets over losing a baby but eventually one comes to terms with it and eventually it stops hurting as much and the pain becomes occasional. DS2 would be 24 now.

DS1 was 2.5 and became clingy and demanding rather than tantrummy. What really helped was nursery - he started at two and a quarter and it was a constant and it gave me three afternoons to grieve and hold myself together. I wonder if that might be an option for you? It also helped me get through the next very anxious pregnancy and because I took and collected him it got me out of the house and exchanging niceties with other mums and the nursery staff.

I also found SANDS very helpful although it was a long time ago.

I think it may also be a good idea to seek help and advice from your GP and see if family bereavement counselling and advice is available. May I also ask if you and/or your partner work and whether your employers have employee assistance programmes. These often offer counselling for family members if it supports the employee and also provide other support for major life issues.

With love. I appreciate it's a difficult and dark time. There are parts of it I simply don't remember but it wasn't until I recovered enough to love myself a little that I was able to demonstrably love those around me again.

DS1 is 27 now and came through it. He doesn't remember anything of the time before our third baby arrived.

OP, please don’t be afraid to admit you’re not coping. Who would expect you to be coping - you’re grieving the loss of your daughter and of course your older child picks up on this and it will affect his behavior. At an age where toddlers have to navegate a huge amount of behaviour training, his parents are totally floored by the loss of a baby. It would be a miracle if you were coping normally. Get all the help you can. GP, counselling, your kid’s nursery, whoever…and help yourself to help him. He sounds very angry (saying ‘shut up’ isn’t normal toddler or even small child vocabulary). I agree with PP and keep track of what triggers a huge tantrum and take him to the GP if you suspect he might be poorly.

@caringcarer

My little sister used to bite. She bit my Mum, other children etc then she bit my Aunt and she bit her back. She did not bite again.

This old trope is just so worn out and absolutely stupid advice. It does not work, no matter what your aunt told you.

Also, maybe actually read the rest of OP's posts and make a better judgement call about what to post as a response because that wasnt the right thing to say.

My toddler once had a massive meltdown in the street, lay on the pavement and shouted get away from me you're not my mum and you're killing me. Then kicked me in the stomach and pulled my hair when I bent down to pick her up!
I remember people staring and muttering things.
One kind lady tried to help me and offered me her push chair (I had tried a little walk just the two of us without a push chair)
I felt a total failure
Whenever I see that kind of thing I try to look as non judgemental as possible and say something as supportive as possible. I'm sure plenty of parents understand and we're just glad it wasn't them.

@MyCatIsAJerk

I witnessed a two-yr-old having a severe meltdown in a large store. His mother just let him be — you could hear his screams all over the entire store, and I’m sure the mum was mortified. To her credit, she remained outwardly calm. It lasted for a good ten minutes or more and the entire store went quiet except for the little boy’s wailing. I guarantee you that the people who witnessed your toddler’s meltdown had enormous empathy for you — nobody was condemning you or tsk-tsking you or looking down their nose at you. They all felt terrible for you, and many have been in your position. Chin up. ❤️

I think this might have been me!

OP it sounds upsetting for you, hope you're ok. Tantrums can be awful but it is normal. Biting, hitting, breaking things, all comes with them. Some children definitely have more dramatic ones than others as well! It's especially upsetting when you feel you have am audience but most people will empathise. The fact that others tried to help means they weren't judging you at all.

OP I'm so sorry for your loss.
You have had a really shitty day and are very justifiably upset. I think this thread shows the vast majority of people only feel empathy for you, not judgement. Also reach out for what help and support you need. Why are you afraid it will look like you are not coping ? Why should you have to cope? You've obviously been through a lot. Take care of yourself.

Agree you should get a harness with a handle on the back so you can control him without actually having to pick him up. My DS wasn't aggressive at 2 but was completely out of control and would lie in the road or have screaming tantrums, and he refused hand holding or reins. But the harness was my safety net - and if you had one you could hold DS without him being able to reach you to bite?

I also took DS to a 'step by step' council run parenting course where they suggested I start him at pre-school. It wasn't free then for two-year olds but luckily we could afford some sessions and the teachers there were amazing. Obviously they are well placed to advise if there is anything else you need to be concerned about, or if your DS will just benefit from some different stimulation/experiences etc.

Good luck. I'm sure you're a great Mum and your neighbours will feel nothing but empathy

I am so very sorry about your baby. It's no wonder that you and your toddler are struggling.
Please please get as much help as you can. Not just from your HV, but from organisations and helplines that might be able to help you manage what you and your family have gone through.

I hope you were offered counselling after your loss. If not, again, find out where you can get some. How is your DH coping with the loss and your toddler's tantrums? Are you on the same page?

Seriously, you need to talk to people who know how to listen, and who are experienced in family bereavement and the effect on parents and young siblings. I hope you're able to do so.

No one is judging you, you are allowed to scream and cry in public you are human. You’re having a really tough time of it so please don’t waste precious energy on guilt or shame.

What a wee terror! You poor thing, sounds very distressing for you. But you know what, this sounds normal and all the other parents will only feel complete sympathy and understanding for you. We've all been there...💐

Google wrist reigns OP.

A loop for your wrist and a loop for his, connected by a slinky type thing. Game changer for outside safety.

Pic attached if it works.

You can get some with a key locking mechanism. We have them.

@parentingsucks

He's always had a short fuse, when he loses it he really does lose it and it's horrible to see, he's his own worst enemy. It's been a hard year for us, our baby, his little sister died which was very confusing for him and he does seem by the things he says to not understand why she was there and then not. Not to drip feed. It's nothing something I want to talk about yet particularly, but I'm sure it will of had an effect on him. His communication and speech is very strong, but his temper is definitely manifesting more aggressively lately. I know they pick up on things, but if he's picked up on anything it would just be sadness, we are all very sad and are trying to plod on but we have never shown aggression or violence.

He was sorry and said sorry when we got home, asked for cuddles etc. I did give him one but did also give him to my husband and get away as soon as I could because I felt so sad and didn't want to cry in front of him again. He knows when he's done wrong, I don't know if that makes it better or worse. I will ring a Health visitor, I just worry about looking like I'm not coping.

I’m so sorry about your baby girl OP You’re probably right, it’s probably affected him quite badly, and he’s too emotionally immature to express his feelings about the loss in any other way. He sounds very aware of what’s going on, especially as he knows he did wrong today.

There’s no shame at all in asking for help, your HV will know you’ve going through a really tough time.

I would advise to out really strong boundaries in place with him - firm rules and be very consistent, both you and DH, with how you deal with him. This will reinforce right and wrong, and make him feel more secure. Also, talk to him about what’s going on, he sounds advanced enough to be able to engage with it.

Such a horrible situation, I do feel for you. But don’t worry about what people think. Nice people will sympathise, horrible ones will judge, but they’re not people you’d want as friends anyway.

OP you poor thing. Honestly I've been there and it's awful. I know lots are suggesting reigns and wrist straps but all I can say is anytime I tried them they caused a total meltdown. In the end my DS was diagnosed with autism which weirdly was such a relief as I knew the difficulty I had had with his behaviour wasn't because of me and my poor parenting but it was because of his autism. Be kind to yourself

OP I am so so sorry this happened to you today. You deserve and need a complete break for yourself until you can recover mentally and emotionally so I hope you can get that .

My younger DC has, and continues to, humiliate me at the most opportune times. They also seem to have a propensity for violence that my other DC wouldn't dream of. They are the kid at preschool that is too rough, the one at soft play I can't take my eyes off for a second etc. Opposite to my other DC in every way. I find it triggering, embarrassing, upsetting. I have had to remove us from public situations and from peoples houses when they are just too much. I sought an assessment at one stage as it was so overwhelming but all came back ok.

DC has just turned 4 and slowly but surely seems to be gaining more control of their emotions and at the same time gaining more empathy and becoming more affectionate. They still have occasional huge outbursts and tantrums and violent outbursts. But we seem to be hopefully moving in the right direction.

I just wanted to offer some light at the end of the tunnel x

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl OP.

You are doing so well from what we can read here. You handled this situation admirably.

My children are older now but I remember that feeling of utter shame when they would have a tantrum in public. When I hear a child tantruming in a shop now I force myself not to even look over because I know how that parent feels! Even though all I want to do is smile and say hang on in there lady, we've all been there!

I hope your face and head aren't too sore tonight. What a day you've had and what an awful time with your daughter passing away.