Completely humiliated by my toddler, I'm in bits

[parentingsucks]

My toddler has a horrible temper and throws some epic tantrums, usual two year old behaviour I had always thought until the last few weeks where it's been getting worse. He's started being violent, hitting, biting during tantrums and screaming at us a lot. It's been a tough couple of weeks and today has just sent me over the edge. I'm trying to get away from him and calm down and I'm in the bath trying to relax and I can hear him screaming at my husband and I just want to cry.

We live in a small village on a new estate full of young families. Everyone is very friendly and greets each other by name. There isn't any anonymity. He was having an epic tantrum today as we were walking around the estate, sat down screaming trying to run into the road. I picked him up and started to carry him home and he grabbed both of his hands on to my hair and pulled as hard as he could. I could feel him ripping it out and I was panicking I put him down and tried to peel his hands off and he just pulled harder, I leant him back on to the grass desperately trying to get him off and he just pulled harder and sank his teeth into my cheek so hard it broke the skin on three places. I screamed, people who were outside came running over trying to help, I was crying hysterically, he was screaming shut up everybody, I was just crying harder as heard him he was so rude to so many people.

I got home and got away from him. I don't want to be around him at all he has upset me so much. I'm so shocked by what he did. I'm so mortified so many people saw. I'm so gutted that he is capable of behaving like this, I'm just devastated. I'm in tears again now writing what has happened. It just isn't normal, is it? What the fuck have I done wrong? He's two. I know he's tiny. I try and not get upset at him but I am so hurt by this. So, so hurt.

Oh dear, OP. I hope you're ok? You handled the situation better than most and you are right to seek out further help on this.

Can his Dad have him tomorrow for a bit again so you can chill out in between tantrums too? Call to HV Tuesday I think.

Anyone would scream and cry if they were hurt like this.

But you showed immense restraint and inner calmness by not lashing out back at him - because a lot of people would have done this out of a natural response to pain.

Please don’t worry. You’ll look back on this in a few years and smile - they do grow out of it. X

[quote stimpyyouidiot]**@Shouldbedoing* @Schmz* I completely forgot all breakaway training when my dd pulled my hair 🤣 wasn't where I expected to need it haha [/quote]
I was going to say breakaway. Never needed it in my decades in housing vulnerable people.

Needed it with toddler DD.

Something someone said upthread sbout food rang a bell with me... once when DS was little we went out for the day with my DM. He was good as gold. In the afternoon we went for tea at a cafe and DS had orange squash. As we left he was uncontrollable, as if a switch had been flipped. He was screaming and didn't know what to do with himself. I realised he must be allergic to a food colouring in the squash. Turns out he had several allergies (which he grew out of).

@Sponge19

Sounds totally chaotic. What is your parenting style like? What is your bond like! This is not typical toddler behaviour. Do you think you need to adapt your parenting or have him seen by a professional?

Ignore judgemental comments. My little boy can do similar to your DS - always, always triggered by tiredness. It's awful & frightening quite frankly.

Please don't blame yourself I know plenty of people whose children have had similar meltdowns - whilst their siblings have been perfect angels.

Identifying triggers might be helpful (& a glass of wine)

@MrsTerryPratchett the things you have to do as a parent haha!

I would speak to HV and think about a referral to family support team. It sounds like there may be something more going on with him and they can help explore what it might be.

My eldest used to throw epic tantrums - although hers generally revolved around hurting herself (she hit her head against the floor so hard it bled a couple of times!) and once kicked me in the stomach when I was 7 months pregnant. She was 3 and I sat on the floor with her still tantruming and cried in the middle of the shop. It was one of my lowest moments of parenting and I still feel the embarrassment now but crying as a result of shock and pain is completley understandable. Speak to your HV to see what they can advise because this obviously isn't good for either of you, get something cold on your face and give yourself a break. Tantrums are a normal part of child development but some toddlers do take it to another level!

You reacted totally normally and of course you’re so angry now. My daughter was like this from birth until she 5 when she went to school full time. She was violent, aggressive, angry and just miserable. I just couldn’t cope or manage her and I wanted to leave. Somehow the years passed and we got through it but I’m still traumatised by it. For her we had to make sure she got enough quality sleep, exercise her to a huge degree (still do - she does 20 hrs a week of sport) and have strict boundaries and expectations (which we saw her ignoring but it was registering with her and now she definitely knows how to behave). Please persevere and know this isn’t you or your parenting at all.

I really hope that your neighbours check in on you to offer support and kindness rather than anything judgey. It sounds like youre really going through it at the moment.
Is there anything that triggers the tantrums?

You managed things well.

My ds at 2 was exactly the same. I remember falling over and cutting my face trying to calm a tantrum.

He’s 15 tomorrow and the most laid back lovely young man

Please don't feel humiliated. No-one will be judging you at all. As others have said, most 2 year olds are incapable of feeling empathy so your toddler will have no understanding that he hurt you. If you can, when you are feeling stronger, I would try and unpick the triggers for his tantrums so that you can at least pre-empt them and try to de-escalate in future by using diversion tactics/letting your child think he has some autonomy by offering choices (of your choosing) rather than presenting him with a done deal. Above all else remind yourself you're doing a great job - parenting is hard work x

OP I’m not surprised you reacted as you did! It must be awful.

It’s worth having a think about triggers and how to avoid. My ds had the mother of all tantrums when he was massively over tired and hungry.

So we carried snacks everywhere, we were diligent about naps and sleep and had to spend a lot of time trying to keep him occupied, thinking of appropriate activities etc. we had to plan how to leave situations, use toddler appropriate language. It was tiring but it meant that we could keep tantrums down. When we didn’t then it went to shit. But it was so tiring.

What's wrong with a screaming and crying if someone's hurting you? Don't you want him to know he's hurt you? And a lot from your description.

Toddlers can have some extreme behaviours and they generally do learn to reign in their temper. I'm sure you've not gone wrong anywhere - some are just more reactive than others for a variety of reasons.

If he's still screaming whilst your in bath he's obviously overtired or not feeling well.

I'd have an early night all around and talk to him in the morning.

Awh bless you, please don't be devastated or too embarrassed, he is only 2 and people will understand especially if they are young families how difficult they will be!

No one will be looking at that situation and thinking you are a bad parent in any way. They'll be thinking about 2 year olds being famous for mega meltdowns, or perhaps they will think that he possibly is not NT which is also completely fine

I had some trouble reframing my middle son's behaviour as he is a very intense child especially in comparison to my older and younger children. I have to constantly remind myself how tiny he is (he's 4 now but has been this way since literally the moment he was born, on the weight scales at birth ) and this has really helped me manage that sort of aversion you can develop to them when they are badly behaved.

If you think you think his behaviour is not typical though I would definitely speak to you HV, or if you could use some support and reassurance. I hope you feel better, I can imagine it's been such a big shock

I spent decades teaching children with severe learning difficulties with associated behaviour issues. I got bitten, hit, scratched, kicked, spat at , you name it. I only cried twice in all those years, and both times it was because a child had grabbed a fist full of hair and wouldn't let go.
It's hard to explain just how awful it is - how much it hurts, and how you can't excape it like you can all those other things.

Someone else has already given you a tip for next time, but please don't feel bad about crying and needing help. Most of the time it's not something you can escape without another person to assist.

Do ask your HV for some support. He will almost certainly grow out of this phase, but you need some help to manage him out of it and see some light at the end of the tunnel.

@Sponge19

Sounds totally chaotic. What is your parenting style like? What is your bond like! This is not typical toddler behaviour. Do you think you need to adapt your parenting or have him seen by a professional?

Wow you're on fire tonight! Are you just going through every single thread to see who you can pick a fight with or are you just in a not too good mood? 😕

Honestly OP, most people on this situation who have kids will have thought thank god it’s not me this time or thank god we’ve passed that stage, and anyone who judges you or your toddler really is not worth thinking about.

It was just bad luck that he managed to get you in a position that he had a good grip of your hair and then you couldn’t free yourself before he did his Jaws impression!

I learnt when mine were having epic tantrums to pick them up holding them with their back to me or in a rugby hold on my side. They can’t reach hair, or bite that way! Just a tip for future reference. Hair pulling and biting is common at that age and he wouldn’t have been deliberately been trying to hurt you.

I’d talk to your HV as PP have said about behaviour strategies and any developmental concerns you have about him but it will pass in all likeliness.

Lots of cuddles tomorrow. Don’t take it personally. You are still his whole universe.

🌸🌸 that sounds very stressful but you handled it well. I wouldn’t have done any different. You were just trying to keep him safe. Definitely try to have some time away. My Dd was similar at 2. Nothing I could do to calm her down, just had to wrestle her into the pram and go home!
It’s not a reflection of your parenting. Sending you virtual hugs and strength ✊

It sounds awful and like you managed really well. Toddlers are so hard and there can be all extremes of behaviour. Try not to worry what others think all you can do is manage to the best of your ability.

Id speak to gp or hv for advice, some things that helped me was managing the environment rather than behaviour. So trying to create a manageable environment so say if queues are hard work avoid them or keep it short and have plenty of distractions. If child gets overwhelmed on social situations avoid over stimulating him and try to leave before child starts to struggle. Look for signs of meltdown try to distract before it happens. Move to another room/start a different activity. Don't sweat the small stuff just Discipline the big stuff for now. Lots of routine and consistency

Sound awful OP but most parents have had something similar. I ended up dragging my two year old across the road with one arm because he decided to have a meltdown as we were crossing, with me holding all our bags and being several months pregnant. Pretty sure passers by though I was a child abuser didn’t know what else I could’ve done. It gets much easier, I promise.

Toddler reins. They will save your bacon until he's 3.

Also a pocket full of stickers or some chalks. Distraction and reins.

My lovely friend told me decades ago that people should have a baby goat on a lead rein in a supermarket to find out how bad it gets with a two year old!
I was battling with my feisty second child in the middle of the supermarket at the moment she rescued me.

It gets better. A lot better. Two years can be so difficult.

You care, you are already winning.

That sounds very distressing, and I hope you are ok. When you are feeling better, it might be worth thinking about triggers - was he overtired, overstimulated or had low blood sugar? These were the usual triggers for my DS at that age. He was also quite an anxious toddler who couldn’t tolerate being apart from me. He was also reacting to my emotions, I’d find (I wasn’t in a great place due to breakdown of marriage and depression). Have some time to yourself if you can, and come back to your DC fresh.

That sounds very upsetting.

I have a child with SEN so have been through some pretty extreme behaviour in public. Although you just want the world to swallow you up at the time the vast majority of people are very sympathetic and want to help. Those that judge or think otherwise really aren't worth worrying about.

I experienced a lot of kindness from others when struggling with DD. They just wanted to help and most parents know what toddlers can do.

The pulling hair and biting does sound beyond a normal tantrum though. How was your toddler afterwards? Did they calm down and show some concern for the injury they could see on your cheek or did the rage just continue until they ran out of stamina? I think how they act afterwards will give some indication as to whether there is more going on than a fairly intense but age normal tantrum or whether it would be worth seeking help from the health professional as to how to handle this.