Completely humiliated by my toddler, I'm in bits

[parentingsucks]

My toddler has a horrible temper and throws some epic tantrums, usual two year old behaviour I had always thought until the last few weeks where it's been getting worse. He's started being violent, hitting, biting during tantrums and screaming at us a lot. It's been a tough couple of weeks and today has just sent me over the edge. I'm trying to get away from him and calm down and I'm in the bath trying to relax and I can hear him screaming at my husband and I just want to cry.

We live in a small village on a new estate full of young families. Everyone is very friendly and greets each other by name. There isn't any anonymity. He was having an epic tantrum today as we were walking around the estate, sat down screaming trying to run into the road. I picked him up and started to carry him home and he grabbed both of his hands on to my hair and pulled as hard as he could. I could feel him ripping it out and I was panicking I put him down and tried to peel his hands off and he just pulled harder, I leant him back on to the grass desperately trying to get him off and he just pulled harder and sank his teeth into my cheek so hard it broke the skin on three places. I screamed, people who were outside came running over trying to help, I was crying hysterically, he was screaming shut up everybody, I was just crying harder as heard him he was so rude to so many people.

I got home and got away from him. I don't want to be around him at all he has upset me so much. I'm so shocked by what he did. I'm so mortified so many people saw. I'm so gutted that he is capable of behaving like this, I'm just devastated. I'm in tears again now writing what has happened. It just isn't normal, is it? What the fuck have I done wrong? He's two. I know he's tiny. I try and not get upset at him but I am so hurt by this. So, so hurt.

The first (and last) time I ever smacked my eldest was during a similar event! (He bit me in the wrist which really hurt!) I smacked his bum, he stopped biting in shock, we both cried. Not my best moment as a parent but he's totally forgotten about it now so no harm done apart from the everlasting guilt!

He's two, he's still tiny. Is he over tired, or teething, or over stimulated? Putting him in a pushchair (if you have one) might help so he's got a safe space while out.

If I had witnessed this I wouldn't have felt any judgement and would have understood what a tough situation you were in, everyone would have sympathised and you should feel no embarrassment. I hope you're able to get a break at some point, parenting can be so tough!

Also get something cold on your poor face so it doesn't turn into a massive bruise. If he broke the skin, you might need antibiotics.

@Sponge19 that's absolutely not helpful!

Parenting is fucking hard. I’m so sorry OP. I think you may need to speak to someone regarding this kind of behaviour. That was vicious.

I truly hope you’re ok x

Nothing to add but just want to reassure you that no one will be judging. Not every child has wild tantrum in public but they all have them.

@WeirdlyKind why not?

Just another voice to reassure you, that if I saw this I would feel empathy for you and not judge (and I don’t have kids, but I know what little horrors they can be at 2!). I also probably would forget about it quite quickly. So try not to dwell on what you think others would have been thinking xx

Poor you. I promise nobody was judging. I feel the opposite if I see someone dealing with a toddler meltdown - I instantly like the parent because it’s so relatable.

They all kick, pull hair and lash out sometimes. He’s not trying to humiliate you. Toddlers don’t have a bad bone in their body. They’re physically tiny but their emotions can feel huge and overwhelming. They can’t self regulate.

It can be SO hard to deal with so don’t for a moments blame yourself. But do get help. Talk to your health visitor.

It sounds awful op. My dd was similar at 3 although no biting. She did however grab my (very long) hair and yank as hard as she could when she lost it. Could hardly get her off. Screaming as hard as she could until she went totally purple. It wasn't all the time but when she went off, she went OFF.

I don't really know what to suggest, but she grew out of it quite quickly. As others have suggested I would maybe give the HV a call? You definitely need to have a break.

Is your face okay? X

@Sponge19, it sounds like normal toddler behaviour to me. Lifted this quote from the NHS website:

'Temper tantrums usually start at around 18 months and are very common in toddlers. Hitting and biting are common, too.'

@parentingsucks, mine are much older now. If I'd seen this I wouldn't have given it a second thought beyond feeling solidarity as I remembered my own DC's harder moments.

No real advice, but please don't feel humiliated.
Turn it around in your head, if you saw someone else in that situation, you would feel for them. I am quite sure that is how people felt, who tried to help. Give yourself a break tonight and I hope your head and face don't hurt too much, take a painkiller and try to get some sleep.

I witnessed a two-yr-old having a severe meltdown in a large store.
His mother just let him be — you could hear his screams all over the entire store, and I’m sure the mum was mortified. To her credit, she remained outwardly calm. It lasted for a good ten minutes or more and the entire store went quiet except for the little boy’s wailing.
I guarantee you that the people who witnessed your toddler’s meltdown had enormous empathy for you — nobody was condemning you or tsk-tsking you or looking down their nose at you.
They all felt terrible for you, and many have been in your position.
Chin up. ❤️

@endofthelinefinally

Definitely get some sturdy old fashioned reins. All my dc had them. They allow toddlers to walk without having one arm permanently extended ( try it, it is very uncomfortable) and stops them from running into danger. Then contact your health visitor. Start a food/ activity/ sleep diary. Make a note of bladder and bowel function too. A constipated child is in constant pain. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Can I just say my eldest refused to have reins but a little rucksack with her own drink and sack and dog lead and that was cool!

Aw OP I am feeling it for you. What a shitter of a day. Is your face ok?

Hello. First of all my heart goes out to you - sending you a huge hug and lots of love. My son started doing exactly the same things around this age. At 4 he was diagnosed as autistic with demand avoidance. We actually believe he has a condition called pda. He is now 6. Not suggesting that your son is autistic- I know nothing of your back story or life - but it is something to bare in mind.

Secondly, please please don’t beat yourself up! I have had all of these feelings X

I’m sorry OP, sounds very tough. In that situation I don’t think anyone would be judging you at all they’d be worried about you and feeling for you. Toddlers can be tough. With that said, are your toddler’s tantrums typically that explosive? Because it seems not so typical to me, I mean they all have tantrums but that situation sounds very extreme to me.

Sounds bloody awful for you. I remember vividly my dd who is autistic aged about 6 biting me very hard in a shop. It was hideous. I agree that you absurdly can have consequences for violence. Get a good toddler taming book. Lots of people recommend the explosive child and decide with your dp how you will react as a team. In all likelihood the stage will pass but you need to think about how you get through it.

@Sponge19

Sounds totally chaotic. What is your parenting style like? What is your bond like! This is not typical toddler behaviour. Do you think you need to adapt your parenting or have him seen by a professional?

I think perhaps your posting style needs adapting more than OP’s parenting style.

Just wanted to add to the voices saying I'd feel nothing but empathy for you and for your little one, too. There is obviously something going on for him, which by name is toddlerhood, but the specifics of what is triggering these tantrums and behaviour could be a number of things. I'd echo those saying lean on your HV for advice if they are involved and you have a relationship, even if you don't. I hope you can have a peaceful evening to recover as you've been through something shocking and really upsetting ❤️

[quote Sponge19]@WeirdlyKind why not?[/quote]
Aggressive, judgmental, lacking in empathy.