Completely humiliated by my toddler, I'm in bits

[parentingsucks]

My toddler has a horrible temper and throws some epic tantrums, usual two year old behaviour I had always thought until the last few weeks where it's been getting worse. He's started being violent, hitting, biting during tantrums and screaming at us a lot. It's been a tough couple of weeks and today has just sent me over the edge. I'm trying to get away from him and calm down and I'm in the bath trying to relax and I can hear him screaming at my husband and I just want to cry.

We live in a small village on a new estate full of young families. Everyone is very friendly and greets each other by name. There isn't any anonymity. He was having an epic tantrum today as we were walking around the estate, sat down screaming trying to run into the road. I picked him up and started to carry him home and he grabbed both of his hands on to my hair and pulled as hard as he could. I could feel him ripping it out and I was panicking I put him down and tried to peel his hands off and he just pulled harder, I leant him back on to the grass desperately trying to get him off and he just pulled harder and sank his teeth into my cheek so hard it broke the skin on three places. I screamed, people who were outside came running over trying to help, I was crying hysterically, he was screaming shut up everybody, I was just crying harder as heard him he was so rude to so many people.

I got home and got away from him. I don't want to be around him at all he has upset me so much. I'm so shocked by what he did. I'm so mortified so many people saw. I'm so gutted that he is capable of behaving like this, I'm just devastated. I'm in tears again now writing what has happened. It just isn't normal, is it? What the fuck have I done wrong? He's two. I know he's tiny. I try and not get upset at him but I am so hurt by this. So, so hurt.

So sorry you had such a bad experience.
You mentioned your baby daughter died this year. I'm very sorry to read that. You and DH have a huge amount on your plate so please forgive yourselves if some times feel particularly hard.

You also said you think your DS would only have picked up sadness and possibly confusion from that loss but he will also feel fear and anger. At some level he will be wondering how a child could just disappear, whether you or DH will be next and how safe he is himself. He'll also be very afraid that the people who keep him safe are sad. He won't understand these emotions but they will to some extent be there.

Please ask for help with this. There will be things you can do to help DS deal with his feelings. Meanwhile, you are doing brilliantly. I don't know if it feels too private for you to say so but you could perhaps explain a little of what you have been through this past year to your neighbours - not by way of excuse but by way of context. You are doing fantastically in a horribly difficult situation. You may also find other DPs who know something about dealing with loss.

You also said you think your DS would only have picked up sadness and possibly confusion from that loss but he will also feel fear and anger. At some level he will be wondering how a child could just disappear, whether you or DH will be next and how safe he is himself. He'll also be very afraid that the people who keep him safe are sad. He won't understand these emotions but they will to some extent be there

I agree with this. How much does he understand, do you think, about your tragedy? Could you speak to your GP or health visitor about it?

I am sorry for your terrible loss.

My son was like this, its nothing you've done wrong, I know this because I eventually, after many years (he totally put me off having more) went on to have another who was nothing like what he was. Two is a terrible age if they are that way inclined. Some kids are just strong willed and defiant. I remember mine pummelling me in the back with kicks because I was ignoring his bad behaviour. And I remember having a couple of breakdowns when out in public when he would become increasingly difficult to manage. I was a single mum too so I was very overwhelmed. He has always been challenging but has grown into a respectful, lovely young man now.

The terrible twos are the worst.
My second DS was exactly the same. He got better when he went to nursery but then there was another child who knew every swear word there was. He's nearly 8 now and I'm still struggling to get him to stop swearing.
He's also a hitter. He once punched me in the face with a closed fist. Sent my glasses flying and I was actually seeing stars for a few seconds. He also likes to scratch.
I've changed me attitude towards him a lot over the last few months. I paid more attention to his nails and cut/file them regularly.
I realised that his tantrums are mostly triggered by hunger and thirst. I've always got juice and plenty of snacks available.

Firstly - stay calm. Never raise your voice.
Talk to him softly, take him away from the situation that has triggered the tantrum and distract him with something else. Playdoh, drawing, water in a bowl - anything that you know he loves.
Also try cod liver oil. My DS has been on it for 3 months and we have noticed a HUGE difference. Daily, violent tantrums are now a weekly occurrence and much less violent.

Always remember that you are doing the absolute best you can. You are an amazing mummy. It will get easier.
Don't be too hard on yourself - it's alright to cry. I have done a lot of that. But with small changes, we are doing better. Little by little.
It might also be helpful to keep a sort of diary to track his moods and tantrums. It might help you recognise the triggers.

Keep going mummy. You carried and gave birth to him - you CAN do this.

Good luck and best wishes!
Xxx

Just to add - when I was very young, my parents looked after a little girl ( it was in the early 1950s, and I have since come to understand that the girl was illegitimate, which was still stigmatized at that time).
One day, she just disappeared. Whether she went back to her mother or was adopted, I never found out. I do remember my mum telling me later how I cried for her and missed her.
It could be that your son is feeling the same way and doesn't have the language to express it.

Oh you poor thing - first off let me reassure you that the people who saw / helped you won't have given it another thought, everyone knows 2 year olds can be utter dicks at times. Secondly, to reassure you that your toddler will outgrow it - i have two boys, and the second was an epic tantrummer (although not violent) and i used to get so embarrassed by him (a national trust gift shop incident springs to mind), but he is now the most glorious, easy going, kind and loving 8 year old you could ever imagine. My eldest on the other hand only ever had one tantrum (of course it was in Waitrose because this is Mumsnet) and i wasn't sure how to deal with it so i just waited it out whilst being painfully sure that everyone was looking and judging me. Actually though when he eventually gave up 20 minutes later and got up off the floor, several nice people said kind things to me as we made our weary way to the check out, both with tear stained faces. Good luck with your little boy and don't be afraid to tell him afterwards how much he has hurt you. At 2 my boys definitely understood consequences of their actions, and understood there were certain rules they had to follow to keep us all safe x

I am so sorry you are going through all this. What a horrible time. I am sure the people that saw you were not judging you.

My child was like this at a similar age. Absolutely awful meltdowns.
It turned out they were having a reaction to their asthma medicine Montelukast also known as Singulair it caused massive rages, anxiety and violence. It took us years to find out the cause and they were awful years. The medicine also made them highly sensitive to artificial food colouring and artificial sweeteners.
So it might be worth checking any medication he is on for possible side effects, and also diet.
This is not a blame exercise from me. I totally totally sympathise and wish somone has suggested this to me at the time and saved us years of anguish.

You are not alone, and it's a horrible situation to be in, one of mine had really terrible tantrums, I found that one of the best ways to shorten them was to completely ignore him when he threw himself to the floor kicking and screaming - not always possible dependent on what the setting is, but possible in more situations than you'd initially think. I used reins on him from when he could first walk, so that helped as I knew he couldn't run off/run into the road, and I could just concentrate on ignoring him (that doesn't really come naturally when you are in the situation, particularly if there are other people around giving you the evil eye - or - even worse, commenting on how badly behaved your child is etc). Tantrums are normal, and the more attention your child gets for them, the more he will feel it's worthwhile doing it. The only time I would not ignore him was if he did something that hurt one of the other children, in that situation, I'd move him away from them, while saying a short sharp firm "no", then I'd completely ignore him and give all my attention to the other child/children. It's not an easy route, especially when you are out and about with other people around, but I found it worked.

The other thing I have always made a point of doing since then, is that if I see a parent/carer in this situation in the shops/when I'm out, I will always speak kindly to the parent/carer and tell them that I had one that used to do that, and he grew up just fine - I wish I'd had someone say that sort of thing to me when I was in the situation!!

When it is this overwhelming - you need some outside help. Call your health visitor and explain what’s happened . A friend Went through this and she didn’t know how to deal with it , they gave her new strategies to try. And talk to other mums IRL they will normalise this !! 😘

That sounds awful what happened. My son is 3 and he is autistic, very sensory and I get bitten and hit non stop so I really do know how horrible it is.

There's a few things I try I'll add them here in case they help you. My son is non verbal and it's hard to tell what he understands so these might be too basic for you:

I know it's so hard but try not to make a huge fuss of the bad behaviour but do make a huge fuss of the good behaviour, when he is gentle with you give loads of praise.

When he's starting to get in rage, is there anything sensory you can give him like a dummy? Or something to chew?

Distraction and diversion is key

If he does it at home, remove yourself from where he is. Don't allow him to grab you. I know this isn't possible in a public place.

Look at the triggers for when these epic tantrums happen, is he over tired? Over stimulated? My son starts to attack me when he has sensory overload.

Also Google safe detachment when he bites, how to get his jaws off you.

Make sure hair is tied back

Wishing you luck I know it's really tough, I have marks all up my arms and two big scratches on my face atm

I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but your doing a great job, it will get easier and I honestly doubt any parent worth their salt is judging you. Try and keep your chin up x

Sounds like there's a lot going on there. If he remembers his sister maybe play therapy etc would help. I would speak to GP. Doing so is not a failure xxx I hope you are recovering from the shock xxx

You haven’t done anything wrong. I’m sure it’s a phase. I’d let dh take over for now.

Is there anything else troubling you, behaviour wise? I only ask because my son was quite similar. I remember going to my gp when he was around 2yrs old and crying in the surgery saying “my child hates me”.

When he was 4 he was diagnosed with Aspergers. He’s now 21. Just started a new job and is a lovely gentle young man, polite articulate and funny.

Just a thought.

Just wanted to add also that if you haven’t had any help for your own grief then it is going to be difficult to help your son. You will hugely benefit from some grief therapy , nobody in their right mind would consider that as not coping . People saying smack him etc and either stupid or haven’t read the thread in full. Help your son by getting yourself and your husband some help xx good luck and big hugs.

We've all been there though OP. You need to let him know that hitting and biting other people is completely unacceptable, and won't be tolerated.

Leaving that behaviour unchecked never ends well.

Thats a really awful thing to say if you have read the thread in full.

So very sorry, OP - for your loss, a difficult year, and a horrible day.

I'm wondering if your son is frightened. In my experience, children can get violent, angry and over the top when they are scared. He needs to feel safe, and know what the boundaries and rules are, and that he will be looked after.

www.ahaparenting.com/read/helping-kids-with-grief-loss-and-bereavement

www.ahaparenting.com/read/toddler-tantrums

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how hard things must be for you without this behaviour on top.

My DS is 5 and autistic*,and has developmental delay so is more like 2, and does exactly this and it’s SO HARD. It hurts so much and however you deal with it it feels like you’ve handled it totally wrong.

I haven’t found the solution yet but a few things that might help….

• if you push his hand into your scalp rather than pulling away, it makes the fingers open. (Sadly my DS’s hands are too big now for this to work but it should work for you)

• watermans hair growth shampoo and conditioner. Another hair puller parent put me on to it and it’s AMAZING. It makes your hair and scalp a lot stronger so it’s a bit more resilient to the pulling.
• make sure you clean any bites thoroughly with salt water or antiseptic.

*this does NOT mean your DS is autistic - it’s really common 2yo behaviour.

I never mentioned nor would condone physical violence, so why even say that?

I am so sorry about your little girl.

I have a 3 year old (and a 1 year old but he's a real sweetie). My 3 year old has always been really tough, and would bite as soon as he was able to do so. He would hit, punch, shove, pull hair, scream, anything. I never had him actually pulling my hair out, but he has certainly given me a really good bite on multiple occasions. I'm not saying this behaviour is massively common - but his nursery staff did explain to me that for some toddlers this is normal behaviour. They said they see this in a few children each year and that the majority tend to work through these phases. From what I am seeing of my 3 year old now, I think they're right. My son is no longer violent. A few months ago I was getting an incident report from nursery every day about Jim attacking a child but I haven't had one for months now. He still has a temper and we still get the occasional tantrum but nothing like the ones he has when he was 2 going into 3. He is so much calmer now and has more control over his emotions.

I would speak to the HV for extra support and advice, but I wouldn't panic yourself. Some toddlers do go through this even without such tough life experiences, and your son has had it harder than most toddlers with losing his sister.

It is you I would be more concerned about though. It must be tough. I found it SO tough with my toddler and I wasn't grieving at the same time. I hope you are getting support for yourself.

Oh and just to add to a previous poster's useful message - my son behaved like this mostly when he was scared, frustrated or overwhelmed. Toddlers do need to feel safe, loved, and know where the boundaries are. This is easier said than done. I was sometimes so furious with my toddler I had to leave him in a room while I walked out to compose myself. Obviously couldn't do that with tantrums outside. I've been there with the embarrassment and having to cart him around the local streets with him screaming and kicking me! It feels like a lifetime ago now but it was only last year. They really do change so quickly.

Raising children is hard work!
I agree with 'endofthelinefinally' re starting a food diary. Try removing nearly all sugar from his diet as a first step.
He maybe be having terrible headaches brought on by food intolerance!?
Also, (as suggested above), when he is being a 'good boy' give him lots of love, cuddles and positive encouragement.
This time will pass - albeit with a few bumps along the way!
And, ensure you have 'destress time' - that's important too!
All the best

Pulling hair and biting is not unusual for a 2 year old. Keep letting him know its not acceptable. 'We don't bite' 'we don't pull hair'. Its just part of teaching him. Albeit a painful part. Don't worry it's oerfectly normal toddlering.

I'm so sorry for your loss and the terrible day you had.

You are doing great, if you need to pick him up again put him under your arm or facing forward at arms length.

Your HV will help.