Completely humiliated by my toddler, I'm in bits

[parentingsucks]

My toddler has a horrible temper and throws some epic tantrums, usual two year old behaviour I had always thought until the last few weeks where it's been getting worse. He's started being violent, hitting, biting during tantrums and screaming at us a lot. It's been a tough couple of weeks and today has just sent me over the edge. I'm trying to get away from him and calm down and I'm in the bath trying to relax and I can hear him screaming at my husband and I just want to cry.

We live in a small village on a new estate full of young families. Everyone is very friendly and greets each other by name. There isn't any anonymity. He was having an epic tantrum today as we were walking around the estate, sat down screaming trying to run into the road. I picked him up and started to carry him home and he grabbed both of his hands on to my hair and pulled as hard as he could. I could feel him ripping it out and I was panicking I put him down and tried to peel his hands off and he just pulled harder, I leant him back on to the grass desperately trying to get him off and he just pulled harder and sank his teeth into my cheek so hard it broke the skin on three places. I screamed, people who were outside came running over trying to help, I was crying hysterically, he was screaming shut up everybody, I was just crying harder as heard him he was so rude to so many people.

I got home and got away from him. I don't want to be around him at all he has upset me so much. I'm so shocked by what he did. I'm so mortified so many people saw. I'm so gutted that he is capable of behaving like this, I'm just devastated. I'm in tears again now writing what has happened. It just isn't normal, is it? What the fuck have I done wrong? He's two. I know he's tiny. I try and not get upset at him but I am so hurt by this. So, so hurt.

I'm the poster who was talking about my autistic son down thread and his violent outbursts. I've read your update and honestly I think you need support. Can you contact a behavioural therapist privately? My experience with HV is their advice is very basic, you might have better luck in your area. You can't go on like this and you're going to start to not parent him because you're terrified he will have an outburst (understandable).

Sometimes when my son has attached me I have kind of frozen a bit and I don't remove myself quick enough. You need to remember you are much bigger than him. You can remove yourself. On Amazon they sell really high stair gates, order one now for his bedroom door. You need a space to contain him and let him calm down and regulate. I don't you've said you don't think he has additional needs but my son doesn't always feel pain in the same way that I do I don't think as he repeatedly slaps the walls.

14m is probably too young for any kind of indication he could be autistic - I'm not saying he is but even a diagnosis at 3 is young. It's worth reading up on even if it doesn't apply to your son.

Where is your DH when this is all happening, does he does this with him? You need back up.

Get the higher stair gate now and proof his room, remove anything he could throw and if it happens again and you see the tantrum building you need to act quickly and get him in there. He could seriously hurt you or himself.

I'm so sorry for you 💐

Without the help and support in place and possibly medication he's going to get a million times worse

Pretty sure they don't medicate 3 year olds for tantrums.

I'd also add, he's very young to have a true sense of the word sorry, he's processing so many emotions and clearly really struggling.

We have a medicine pilates type ball that we encourage my son to hit when he has sensory overload. I'd also try something like that. Give him an outlet.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor he's obviously not having 'just tantrums' is he? And yes they can medicate a toddler who is showing excessively violent behaviour. That's obviously a last resort but it still can happen.

Your ignorance is showing when you say 'tantrums' he's blatantly entered meltdowns which are significantly different to your run of the mill temper tantrum.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Without the help and support in place and possibly medication he's going to get a million times worse

Pretty sure they don't medicate 3 year olds for tantrums.

What @parentingsucks is describing is NOT a tantrum!

When mine used to have these fits I had to effectively hold them (to walk to somewhere safe/private) round their middles so that their arms were in front of me and legs behind so that I wouldn't get kicked or grabbed.

If I hadn't taken the toy off him it wouldn't of happened because that's what started it but we've been doing it lately and it seemed to work ok. I can not ever do that again and just ignore him being repeatedly rude to me but the fact still stands that when he gets angry he gets this aggressive. He bites a lot, us, himself and even other kids a couple of times. So I may not of handled the tantrum right and I can work on that but are these signs that he still needs assessing? I can try and prevent him getting angry but regardless he shouldn't get that bad when he is right?

@parentingsucks yes he 1000% needs assessing. I personally can take anything off my kids and they won't respond with violence or aggression and both of mine are being assessed for SEN needs but on a different side of the coin. Most toddlers don't respond with the level of aggression and violence your child is displaying at being told no and having things removed. They scream and cry yeah but not full on attacking somebody.

Your ignorance is showing when you say 'tantrums' he's blatantly entered meltdowns which are significantly different to your run of the mill temper tantrum

20 years of nannying/ working in schools with challenging behaviour as well as my own child who would behave like this given the right circumstances. Some children behave like this without any addition needs. Saying a not even 3 year old needs medication or his behaviour will get worse is simply untrue and could well put the OP seeking help.

This is a very young child who has suffered a bereavement alongside his family. And this is in addition to the fact that he is at an age anyway where young children cannot always control themselves because of their as yet undeveloped brains (as attested to by many who have responded to this thread).

The idea that he needs ‘medicating’ needs dropping.

@parentingsucks

If I hadn't taken the toy off him it wouldn't of happened because that's what started it but we've been doing it lately and it seemed to work ok. I can not ever do that again and just ignore him being repeatedly rude to me but the fact still stands that when he gets angry he gets this aggressive. He bites a lot, us, himself and even other kids a couple of times. So I may not of handled the tantrum right and I can work on that but are these signs that he still needs assessing? I can try and prevent him getting angry but regardless he shouldn't get that bad when he is right?

I don't think you're likely to get a diagnosis for anything this young, OP. He's still so very tiny.

First thing to check: Is he tired, thirsty, hungry? How is his diet? Does he still nap?

Headbanging, hitting and screaming etc are all within the bounds of normal behaviour for a child of that age. I'm not saying they're not terribly difficult to deal with, nor that they can't be addressed, but I would say it's not helpful to the OP to presume there's something that needs diagnosed and medicated.

www.ahaparenting.com/read/18-month-old-toddler-tantrums-with-hitting-head-banging

He's seemingly coped ok with the loss of his sister. We've had to explain multiple times a day. I know he doesn't understand but he's not been outwardly upset about it. Just asking where she is lot, playing hide and seek and he will shout that he is in baby's room etc, where she has gone, he does always say sister be back later which again is hard to explain no, she won't.

He slept for over an hour after the meltdown and has been the sweetest thing since he woke up. Apologised to the dog without prompting and said "I be very gentle with him" saw the multiple marks on me and kissed them and said I hurt mummy, hurting is naughty. He's asked nicely for his lunch and said his please and thank yous. Asked if we can go to his friends house to play. This is what I mean by temper aside he is such a normal child, good speech, sensitive and kind. I don't think he wants to hurt us or himself I think he just loses control completely. It's so horrible I just want to help him and I don't know how.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Are you okay? Are things calmer now?

I agree that you need some medical input. It might just be extreme 'normal' behaviour, but that level of violence and length it went on for is certainly extreme and warrants further investigation. You are being badly hurt in your own home and he is being hurt too because you're having to physically restrain him, which is absolutely not your fault but it's not a tenable way to live.

Take photos of the injuries caused and get on to the HV and be honest about how bad things can get.

Yes, hitting and biting are normal toddler behaviours. But prolonged attacks of an hour of that intensity, attacking people, animals, causing bad injuries, are a different kettle of fish.

Oh gosh. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It is so hard. Okay, firstly this sort of behaviour can be normal, but what you describe does sound extreme. Meltdowns for over an hour is a red flag. At the same time though, this child is dealing with a bereavement and probably has all sorts of very complex emotions about it. I do think you need support, but there is no need to assume that your son needs medication or anything like that, as other posters have suggested. I'm sure it is scary - some of my son's meltdowns really scared me too, and he really wanted to hurt me - but he did get past those. It's important to remember that when he's acting that way it is because he is seriously struggling.
Well done for taking the toy off him. At my son's worst, I was sometimes afraid to go against what he wanted as I knew he would kick off. But it is so important to maintain boundaries as that is how children feel safe and secure.
If I were you I' get in touch with HV and GP, and then if they're no use I'd investigate options for support privately.

I think you are right to use the word ‘seemingly’ coped parentingsucks.
He sounds a delightful child, more thoughtful and sensitive than many his age. I should think his loss and bewilderment runs very deep.

@parentingsucks

He's seemingly coped ok with the loss of his sister. We've had to explain multiple times a day. I know he doesn't understand but he's not been outwardly upset about it. Just asking where she is lot, playing hide and seek and he will shout that he is in baby's room etc, where she has gone, he does always say sister be back later which again is hard to explain no, she won't.

He slept for over an hour after the meltdown and has been the sweetest thing since he woke up. Apologised to the dog without prompting and said "I be very gentle with him" saw the multiple marks on me and kissed them and said I hurt mummy, hurting is naughty. He's asked nicely for his lunch and said his please and thank yous. Asked if we can go to his friends house to play. This is what I mean by temper aside he is such a normal child, good speech, sensitive and kind. I don't think he wants to hurt us or himself I think he just loses control completely. It's so horrible I just want to help him and I don't know how.

It's not about being 'good' or 'bad'. A child of that age has barely formed the parts of his brain that can regulate his emotions. It might be more helpful to think of it in terms of his emotions - is he overwhelmed (by fear/hunger/thirst/tiredness/anxiety)? - or are his needs met so he has space to respond using his words and calmly.

Please read the link I posted above.

A child needs safety and security to let out his emotions. Sometimes these can be scary or difficult for parents/carers. They can even seem terrifying to us, but a child needs to know that his parent is able to handle his emotions and will not allow him to hurt himself - or others.

'Playful parenting' is another great book. Does he do rough-housing, play wrestling, pillow fights? All good ways for him to express laughter, giggling, emotions and physicality in a safe, secure environment.

[quote DomesticatedZombie]Headbanging, hitting and screaming etc are all within the bounds of normal behaviour for a child of that age. I'm not saying they're not terribly difficult to deal with, nor that they can't be addressed, but I would say it's not helpful to the OP to presume there's something that needs diagnosed and medicated.

www.ahaparenting.com/read/18-month-old-toddler-tantrums-with-hitting-head-banging[/quote]

This was a tantrum-attack for an hour. Not just a tantrum.

There's no way this can be called a normal part of toddlerhood. And re your second post, his mother doesn't need to be bleeding and missing hair and providing a safe space for him to release his feelings. Even the child knows it's not ok, so I'm not sure why you're suggesting nothing is wrong, it's just normal.

He is clearly - very clearly - not a "bad kid". He's needing help, that's all, but help that does not involve his mother having bite marks on her face and calf and missing hair as part of it. It doesn't help the child to be allowed to do those things/face no resistance to them, as he feels bad afterwards, which must in itself bring conflicting feelings.

@ScrollingLeaves

I think you are right to use the word ‘seemingly’ coped parentingsucks. He sounds a delightful child, more thoughtful and sensitive than many his age. I should think his loss and bewilderment runs very deep.

Completely agree.

There may be a lot going on here, OP. I hope you have support yourself because it can't be easy for you dealing with this while also navigating your own recovery.

It could be that your son has a lot he isn't sure whether he's allowed to feel, if that makes sense. If he has 'seemingly' coped, where have his emotions gone? If a child holds it together and doesn't let his emotions out because he's scared of them, they can escape like a pressure cooker in explosive and uncontrolled outbursts. As you've described.

He needs safe space and time to process his feelings. (As do you, OP). He needs to know that while there are strong rules and boundaries about his actions (he's not allowed to hurt himself or others), that it's okay for him to feel whatever it is that he is feeling.

You might want to seek a play therapist (ask your GP/HV if you want a referral) to help, too. Play is how kids deal with many things, they may play things over and over. They need the parent/adult/carer there to kind of frame the play and observe it and let him know its okay.

cavalete absolutely. OP's son needs to know and understand he can't and must not hurt himself or his mother. That's really important!

Releasing his feelings is not the same as hurting people.

Rage is a common stage of bereavement I believe. And inability to control it typical of many toddlers.

Op this sounds so stressful
You can self refer to children's social services - their priority is to support families and would offer something like early help initially - explain how the behaviour is impacting you -bthey won't want judge you as a parent but don't minimise what's going on
Those saying 'get him assessed' assessed for what and by who ? Camhs would be very unlikely to take at this age and getting a paediatrician appointment takes time. This would be a lengthy process and would start with seeing the gp . Your health visitor will. Offer basic behavioural support strategies and you'll probably have to go through these first and work through the stages before things like paediatricians would be involved
Behaviour is a communication method and it's likely linked to grief but could be a sign of some other underlying issue

I would also seek medical attention for the bite and explaining how it happened will help the other health related agencies realise the impact it's having

Oh the poor little boy. He must be so confused and bewildered by the loss of his sister. I'm so sad for him and for you. You both need support getting through this.