Completely humiliated by my toddler, I'm in bits

[parentingsucks]

My toddler has a horrible temper and throws some epic tantrums, usual two year old behaviour I had always thought until the last few weeks where it's been getting worse. He's started being violent, hitting, biting during tantrums and screaming at us a lot. It's been a tough couple of weeks and today has just sent me over the edge. I'm trying to get away from him and calm down and I'm in the bath trying to relax and I can hear him screaming at my husband and I just want to cry.

We live in a small village on a new estate full of young families. Everyone is very friendly and greets each other by name. There isn't any anonymity. He was having an epic tantrum today as we were walking around the estate, sat down screaming trying to run into the road. I picked him up and started to carry him home and he grabbed both of his hands on to my hair and pulled as hard as he could. I could feel him ripping it out and I was panicking I put him down and tried to peel his hands off and he just pulled harder, I leant him back on to the grass desperately trying to get him off and he just pulled harder and sank his teeth into my cheek so hard it broke the skin on three places. I screamed, people who were outside came running over trying to help, I was crying hysterically, he was screaming shut up everybody, I was just crying harder as heard him he was so rude to so many people.

I got home and got away from him. I don't want to be around him at all he has upset me so much. I'm so shocked by what he did. I'm so mortified so many people saw. I'm so gutted that he is capable of behaving like this, I'm just devastated. I'm in tears again now writing what has happened. It just isn't normal, is it? What the fuck have I done wrong? He's two. I know he's tiny. I try and not get upset at him but I am so hurt by this. So, so hurt.

@elidelochanthefirst that's some great advice. It's understanding your child and try to be a step ahead. Avoid a situation where the child is stressed and will act out of you can. But ultimately just stop caring anout what everyone else thinks. I've struggled with this for years but even when it's so much better, the child could be great but rejects a pea and you still get the judgement even though they eat every other vegetable: the point you can't make everyone happy so don't try

OP so sorry to read this - hugs to you. You didn't do anything wrong in the moment and it was probably very scary also for you ! Having said that your toddler's behaviour sounds a little extreme, or it could be entirely normal. I'd be taking them to the GP for a chat - there is a lot of undiagnosed spectrum disorders that can and should be picked up early to give you and your DC the best chance of having a happy childhood. Don't flame me for this ! I realised my own child was behaving differently and harder to control or parent rather than others and he has since been diagnosed with ADHD - its made a wotld if difference as I now know I did nothing wrong and I am able to work with her differently as I understand her better. Or it could just be usual terrible twos I which case think and try through different strategies to reward good behaviour and have consequences for bad behaviour. Please don't just suffer on your own questioning if its you ... go to the GP even if no initial action is taken as it will then be on record and help with if need be a future diagnosis. Good luck and hugs yo you x

Hi OP, our son was like this at 2 (interesting only to us not to gps etc so no one believed us!)
Biting is awful, and it's human nature to be shocked when you're hurt. Truly, the times my son bit me (once while I was sleeping) were times when I really did see red and could see how people end up smackibg their kids (I didn't! And don't condone! But when you are attacked it takes a lot of control not to retaliate).
Sending solidarity. The good news is, it didn't last forever. We tried to cope better with it- a lot of it seemed to be for attention, so when he kicked off we made sure he was in a safe place and walked away, never allowing ourselves to be bit or hit (easier said than done). Others have mentioned 'how to talk so little kids listen' which helped us.
Mainly unfortunately time helped. He's 3 and a half and rarely tantrums now and isn't violent anymore. I had almost forgotten that stage til I saw a friend trying to cope with her 2 year old at the weekend.
No one will think you're a bad parent- they've all been there, and if they haven't, they're very lucky!

@cavalatete

I'm so sorry that your daughter died. That's too much to hear and to have to do it whilst caring for a toddler is beyond unimaginable for most of us. FWIW I think that you behaved exactly normally today and you shouldn't feel humiliated (maybe easier said then done!).

It could well be that he's struggling to understand what happened to his sister and the confusion is expressed as random anger/combined in normal tantrums. Assuming you don't have a degree in child psychology and masters specialising in toddlers dealing with sibling-loss, then I think he could well be helped by someone who knows about those things. I know you don't want to talk about it, but you could write some of what you've posted on the thread down for a HV and/or GP including the part saying you're not ready to discuss it. They would understand. And they could direct you towards help for your son, who sounds a sweetheart apart from the awful incident - he apologised. That's a big deal for such a young kid. Any help you get for him is unlikely to be immediate anyway, so getting on a waiting list is always better sooner rather than later.

You also sound like a great mum. Really. You're in a really difficult phase and navigating that through grief. The pain and sadness don't make you a bad mother, or mean you're doing anything wrong. Your reaction of giving him a hug at home and then taking yourself off (ie respecting your own limits and responding empathically to him) show that you're a lovely person and a good mum.

Please take care of the bit - clean it, ice it and call 112 to check. If it gets infected then you're going to have a lot of visual reminders of this with more people seeing and more questions. If you want to minimise it all, do whatever it takes now to reduce the bruising and potential infection.

And big hugs OP, very big hugs.

Hi OP, such good advice from this post. My immediate thought was also it could be really helpful for him to speak to a child psychologist, the loss of his sister could be manifesting itself in his behaviour and he could really benefit from talking to someone. Please speak to you GP or privately if you can afford it. Sending big hugs OP.

It’s perfectly ok to cry in pain when he hurts you. He needs to know which actions cause pain. I would definitely try to contact a HV or GP for a check up to check there’s no additional reasons for the behaviour but some toddlers are just worse than others. My daughter threw epic screaming fits on the floor. Whenever she did it my husband tried to placate her which made everything worse because she learned that meltdowns got her what she wanted. I however ignored her and eventually she stopped doing it around me at which point he was like why does she only act like this around me? Anyway with her it was easier in the home, I had a playpen in the sitting room and a stair gate on her bedroom. If she threw a tantrum I would just leave whichever room she was in or if it wasn’t child friendly because for example I was cooking I would pick her up and put her in the playpen and just walk away. I would occasionally peek in to check but otherwise ignore screaming behaviour. If she was crying for a genuine reason and trying to explain the problem and seek comfort that was different but absolute meltdowns I just left her to it. If our and about I would just let her scream on the floor and stand there ignoring her. Attach child reins so they can’t run off but you don’t have to physically hold them where they can hair pull pinch scratch and bite. However I consider her behaviour “normal toddler behaviour” and didn’t do the violent bit, my son however was another story. He bit and hit and scratched and tried to run away and would physically make himself throw up in the middle of a supermarket so that we could go home. He was a nightmare! I used the same tactics and they did work for the most part but took longer. The HV also recommended that if the biting didn’t stop that I bite him back NOT HARD just literally enough to hurt a tiny bit so that he knows what the action feels like and the same with pinching, to just pinch him ever so slightly so that he knew what it felt like. I didn’t want to but like you I had bleeding bite marks and fingernail marks from a small demon and didn’t know what to do and in the end I was desperate and I did it and only had to do it once and he just stopped crying and looked at me in shock so it explained as best as I could while it was silent and in his mind that biting hurts, it isn’t nice, no biting. After that he only ever bit me once or twice and I reminded him each time that it hurts and we don’t bite and it stopped! It might not be for everyone and it was a long time ago that the HV suggested this to me so I’m sure they may not be allowed to any more but it did work and he didn’t even have a mark.

There is no magical solution but you aren’t alone. Some toddlers are worse than others and when people stop and stare at you the chances are that most of them will be thinking “I remember those days”. Because kids don’t conveniently only have tantrums behind closed doors. Also do you have support system? Do you have other people who can help step in to give you a break now and then so that you do have time away from him.

I’m the child who used to have massive tantrums at two and followed with every version of it according to my age to the point that I was bulimic and self harming as a teenager and workaholic until my mid thirties.
I had to learn how to communicate but my parents have not learn it to this day.

That ISNT normal 2 year old behaviour, I'm sorry but those who are saying 'terrible twos/saying it's normal' are so wrong. I have a friend with a 2 year old who is very aggressive and is completely non verbal. He's been diagnosed with autism. My own toddler whilst they had their moments at 2 has never ever caused harm to that extent and neither did my much older first born when they was 2.
Call your health visitor/GP etc and ask for a referral to the paediatric team specialising in SEN needs. 2 is NOT to young to get the diagnosis in place. You also need to get the injuries noted by a GP that your toddler caused you it will help with a diagnosis.

2 year olds can be feral and can be a difficult time but causing significant injuries is NOT the norm

Oh, bless you, OP ! I had thought your OP was gong to conclude with you slapping the unruly toddler in frustration & pain & to punish - but you didn’t and managed the situation as best you could.

Let DP manage for a while and take a temporary break while you reassess strategy

I think you have to consider that perhaps your child is neurodivergent. Think back, did they play with other children at groups or only show interest in objects. Does this behaviour only manifest in certain situations? Unfamiliar or busy places? Did your child have problems falling asleep or staying asleep? Are they a crazy early waker?
You need to look into asd, adhd, add.
You have to parent very differently with completely different strategies if your child is neurodivergent. Conventional parenting strategies make things worse.

As I feel for you so much OP that would have been awful having your son hurting you and infant of some of your neighbours! Iv heard of quite a lot of toddlers having bad tantrums including biting and hitting, I know its horrible but if its safe to do so (not outside near a road) I would completely ignore him when he's having a tantrum, maybe say mummy will talk to you when you are calm.. but if he does hurt you say 'please do not bite/hit as it hurts mummy' then try to get in with someone like tidy/wash up etc.. and hopefully this will stop soon!!

@Backachesandheadaches

That ISNT normal 2 year old behaviour, I'm sorry but those who are saying 'terrible twos/saying it's normal' are so wrong. I have a friend with a 2 year old who is very aggressive and is completely non verbal. He's been diagnosed with autism. My own toddler whilst they had their moments at 2 has never ever caused harm to that extent and neither did my much older first born when they was 2. Call your health visitor/GP etc and ask for a referral to the paediatric team specialising in SEN needs. 2 is NOT to young to get the diagnosis in place. You also need to get the injuries noted by a GP that your toddler caused you it will help with a diagnosis.

2 year olds can be feral and can be a difficult time but causing significant injuries is NOT the norm

It is normal for some, particularly a little boy who has had his sister die and his parents obviously very distressed by that.

It might be something else but it might not and it isn't on to be suggesting he has autism.

Basing what is normal on 2 children isn't really a great statistical base. I have 4, two never had tantrums (but your's had moments) two had horrible tantrums. Why? Who knows but they did grow out of it and if I lined the 4 of them up you wouldn't be able to pick out which were the ones who had tantrums and which were the more placid.

Youre not on your own.... both of mine have had terrible temper tantrums around the 2 age. My son (now 4) would hit out, pull hair and scream... he grew out of it, I found ignoring the behaviour worked best (as soon as he started the temper tantrum I turned away and ignored him.... he hated not getting my attention). At the time it feels like noone else's child is behaving like this and you must be a bad parent and I felt embarrassed aswell.... but I assure you some children go through this phase but with they will grow out of it. My daughter who is now 2 has just started the ear splitting screaming and the odd kick and bite (not as bad a as my son was)... we are currently on holiday and had to walk out of restaurants and other places to calm her down... it can spoil things but it will pass and they will get better.

Didn't see the post about his sister... please go to the GP as other great posters on here suggested... you all need to heal and he is probably too young to understand or verbalise the impact on him... you need to do this for all of you, even if it's hard for you... please. Good luck and hugs x

Please don't think you won't ask for emotional snd counselling support as you don't want to look like you are coping ! You are a good mom, not neglecting your son and wanting support to process what has happened to prevent a child growing up either pent up anger issues and you with emotional distress... please see the GP snd just mention you are worried about it... can they refer you. Ring a bereavement charity or both. Please op for your and your family sake. Thinking of you... you will not be judged or seem like you are not coping xx

I had a lively child too, it was mainly frustration even though he was a really early talker.

If he needed to be picked up I would pick him up from behind so he was facing out. If he pulled my hair I would hold his wrists firmly until he let go,that way he has to let go eventually and you don't end up with pulled hair.

If it's safe to do so, just all away from him, remove yourself and tell him you can see he's angry and when he's calmed down you can have a cuddle. Don't try and talk him out of a tantrum.

It's exhausting. Reins or a wrist strap were invaluable when we were out to to prevent bolting , we spent many a happy day with him refusing to budge and me waiting He's 21 now and lovely, I think looking back he always wanted to run before he could walk and had absolutely no patience.

If I have to pick them up mid tantrum, I do it by the wrists. Grab both wrists and pull them up so their arms are stretched up above their head and feet still on the floor but facing away from me. That way they can't bite or grab and its harder to kick me.

@notanotherwindow that doesn't sound particularly safe to me. I once took one of dd's hands/wrist when she was lying down (not tantrumming) being stubborn about bath time. I gently tried to encourage her to a sitting position and her elbow clicked out of place. It needed a trip to A&E and to be manipulated back by a Dr. The Dr said it was quite common.

Sometimes one used to see a child being dragged along by one arm. How they didn't come to harm beggars belief.

@Notanotherwindow

If I have to pick them up mid tantrum, I do it by the wrists. Grab both wrists and pull them up so their arms are stretched up above their head and feet still on the floor but facing away from me. That way they can't bite or grab and its harder to kick me.

That sounds a really good way to end up in A and E with hurt elbows!

Keep a small water pistol in your pocket
A harmless quick spray of water on the face usually stops the action.

You don't actually have to lift them up. Just hold their arms above their head so they don't have the freedom to grab you. Their feet are still on the ground. Then if they won't walk just sling them under my arm.

@Notanotherwindow

You don't actually have to lift them up. Just hold their arms above their head so they don't have the freedom to grab you. Their feet are still on the ground. Then if they won't walk just sling them under my arm.

Oh right, that makes more sense.

Toddlers can be so hard!!

You sound like you're doing the very best you can, given the situation. Patenting is flipping hard! Doesn't get any easier as they get older either. Do speak with your GP. Your son may have an illness and may need professional help. Autism for example. Or he could simply be going through a really terrible age 2 phase. Do speak to a professional though. Best of luck.

@Debbacat6

Keep a small water pistol in your pocket A harmless quick spray of water on the face usually stops the action.

She's bringing up a child not training a cat.

@Backachesandheadaches

That ISNT normal 2 year old behaviour, I'm sorry but those who are saying 'terrible twos/saying it's normal' are so wrong. I have a friend with a 2 year old who is very aggressive and is completely non verbal. He's been diagnosed with autism. My own toddler whilst they had their moments at 2 has never ever caused harm to that extent and neither did my much older first born when they was 2. Call your health visitor/GP etc and ask for a referral to the paediatric team specialising in SEN needs. 2 is NOT to young to get the diagnosis in place. You also need to get the injuries noted by a GP that your toddler caused you it will help with a diagnosis.

2 year olds can be feral and can be a difficult time but causing significant injuries is NOT the norm

The many experienced parents on this thread who have raised multiple children who have behaved like OPs child and turned out to be perfectly average must have been making it up then. I don't think knowing a 2 year old with autism really qualifies you to tell the OP what is or isn't normal behavior. Or are you, like Daddy Pig 'a bit of an expert'

Lots of good suggestions such as getting reins. But if the tantrums are so severe and frequent I’d be asking GP for a referral for assessment. My son had horrendous tantrums/meltdowns and was eventually diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. It really really helps to know if you are dealing with typical toddler behaviour or something else. My son is now an adult and holds down a responsible well paid job. But the early years were very challenging. Good luck and Keep going one day at a time. Keep looking for what works for your child.