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Original poster

Hurt and confused someone has suggested there’s something wrong with my son?

194 replies

user1493889010 · 08/04/2022 10:49

Sorry this is probably a really superficial post but I am deeply hurt by a comment made by someone who is friends with me on my private social media account (someone I used to attend college with). I uploaded a collage of my baby son and amongst all the usual, lovely expected comments he posted:

‘Is something wrong with your son?’

After asking why they then commented:

‘Your son's eyes bulge like a child with Down's Syndrome.’

I replied saying there was nothing wrong with my son that he was healthy and happy and that his comment was rude and he replied:

‘Sorry, but that's why I asked if anything was wrong. Why would I pick on your son?
The fact is he looks like he has bulging eyes. That's why I asked whether anything was wrong whether it be Down's Syndrome or something else. I'm not a doctor so don't expect me to get the diagnosis correct from a few photos if there was something wrong.
Your eyes and your baby's eyes are very different. I don't know if it's just because he is a baby, not having any children of my own. But that isn't something I noticed in my neices and nephews when they were babies. Paediatricians must have a hard job dealing with parents who have something wrong with their child, but can’t admit it. Sorry’

Something that was intended to be such a positive experience sharing pictures of my son with my friends and family has turned out to be so negative. Why would he say this? Does my baby look like there’s something wrong with him? I feel very hurt and confused.

Here’s the collage I posted I have just added a picture in the middle of my eyes because of his comment about my eyes and my sons eyes.

Post edited by MNHQ to remove image as requested by OP

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 08/04/2022 12:14

"Actually doctors can diagnose based on phenotypes (observable traits)."

Yes, I meant, when they are off work or just walking in the streets so obviously not doing a proper diagnosis, but maybe sometimes able to identify that someone may have a certain condition.

Velvian · 08/04/2022 12:14

You've reminded me @user1493889010 that a former male friend of mine made an aggressive comment about my baby DS the first time he saw him. Not to me, but to another person and definitely for me to hear.

I didn't ever get in touch with him after that and vice versa. He did pursue me for a while in my teens, so I don't know if it was a strange way of saying you're baby would have been better if I was the father.

Either way, it is an awful thing to do and cutting contact is sensible.

1000yellowdaisies · 08/04/2022 12:15

The picture has gone so i cant see what your son looks like, but other pp have commented and said hes beautiful and nothing wrong with him at all.

I would be so so hurt if someone commented like that about my child so i feel for you Op! Our kids being hurt is the only sort of hurt where we get enraged! My kids are mixed race and my daughter was born with dark hair on her face and ears and down her back (which dropped out after a few weeks may i add) I remember someone made a dig and i felt a physical rage!

Your friend sounds like a nasty piece of work, what was he hoping to achieve from his comment? Did he believe he was diagnosing some crucial condition that had been missed by every other person and professional that actually saw your child in real life?! He sounds like trouble making shit who saw your happiness and tried to ruin it.

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arethelightson · 08/04/2022 12:15

Hi Op, I haven't seen the photos as think they've been removed now, but just wanted to say that my DC was very premature and had a distinctive look around the eyes. Now they are much older and while it is far less obvious I can still see it- especially when they are asleep. I love it, and there have been absolutely no problems with their eyes growing up.

Velvian · 08/04/2022 12:15

yourBlush

Gwenhwyfar · 08/04/2022 12:16

"Except this man wasn't a doctor. "

Even non-doctors can 'spot' illnesses/conditions sometimes eg the lady who can smell Parkinsons.

RazzlePuff · 08/04/2022 12:19

Life’s too short for hate. This person has no filter …. Maybe has neuro difference and has some social skills that need improving. Shrug & Move on. We feel your hurt, healthier for you to let it go.

Original poster
user1493889010 · 08/04/2022 12:20

Thank you I was really hurt and confused reading his comments.

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 08/04/2022 12:21

@Why2why

OP, I had a look at the photos and at first I thought your friend was being ridiculous. When I zoomed the photos, I can see a bit of what your friend might be seeing.

It is worth satisfying yourself that your baby does not have an underlying condition. This is not a dig at your baby, who I think is gorgeous. I can see a hint of something.

Whatever the case may be, your baby is your baby and has a right to be part of this universe and to be loved for who he is.

If it were me, I’d raise with doctors just to make sure I’m not leaving any questions unasked.

I didn’t see the photos and wouldn’t notice different eyes but my initial reaction was that there’s nothing wrong with raising it with a healthcare profession. The possible results imo are ‘nothing to worry about’ or ‘ early intervention’.
Original poster
user1493889010 · 08/04/2022 12:22

I didn’t realise premature babies could have distinctive eyes. What about your babies eyes did you notice were distinctive? Is this just related to appearance rather than development etc?

OP posts:
toomanydogsandcats · 08/04/2022 12:28

This made my tummy flip. It gave me a rush of maternal rage. I am so so so sorry there are people this vile in the world. X

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 08/04/2022 12:30

OP, I didnt see the photos. I was just saying what I knew about it as I had to go through getting my kid checked for that and no one had warned me before.

I'm glad you known about it now and have been able to look it up and see whether your child has those symptoms. The photos you posted could have shown something totally different. I didnt see them. I didnt mean to scare you; just wanted you to be informed.

Potatosaladfiend · 08/04/2022 12:31

Both my youngest daughter and my close friend’s daughter were preemies. They both had quite distinctive ‘boggly’ eyes! I can’t see your image but it may be linked to his prematurity.
Both girls are ‘normal’ (whatever that is!) and gorgeous fyi. I bet your son is too. Your friend is an idiot.

SpeckledlyHen · 08/04/2022 12:31

I can't believe that someone could be so rude and I am glad you blocked him. My friend's daughter looks a little bit like she has downs syndrome (she doesn't but she does have other health issues to do with skull and head). It is noticeable around the eye area. No one would dream to mention that least of all an acquaintance. She is a beautiful little girl and we tell her that all the time.

Original poster
user1493889010 · 08/04/2022 12:32

I removed the picture as I wasn’t aware you weren’t able to edit your posts and was advised by someone on this thread to report it as early as possible so my sons picture wasn’t up on this forum indefinitely. The pic was taken down very quickly so it’s good to know they have good moderators here.

As he was premature he’s had far more tests and people monitoring his development than a full term baby. No medical professionals have ever suggested there was any issue. He also had his eyes tested over a few months as premature babies can have problems with their eyes and his eyes are great. These eye specialists didn’t pick anything up. None of the consultants on the daily ward round mentioned any abnormal facial features and my husband and I didn’t think he had any abnormal features which is why the comment this morning shocked me so much and I posted here.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1493889010 · 08/04/2022 12:34

Do you know what this premature eye condition is called I can’t find it. Trying to google.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1493889010 · 08/04/2022 12:36

Thank you so much this is exactly what happened when he commented. My stomach just flipped x

OP posts:
babymaddtp · 08/04/2022 12:37

That is unbelievably rude, what a nasty person. It is for this sort of reason I don’t have social media anymore! It doesn’t sound like something someone would genuinely point out if they actually thought your child had a disability, it sounds like it was said out of nothing but malice. Keep the person in question blocked and think no more of it!

incognitoforthisone · 08/04/2022 12:37

These days everything is extremely rude if the hearer does not like the message and so much goes into denouncing the messenger rather than considering whether the message has any merit.

FFS. Amazing that it's apparently necessary to spell this distinction out, but:

Here is an example of pointing out a concern that isn't rude and is helpful -

"Hiya - I really don't want to worry you because it's probably nothing, but I noticed in that photo that you have a mole on your arm and it looks like it's quite an irregular shape, which is a warning sign for melanoma. So it might just be an idea to get it looked at, if you haven't already? I'm sure you already know all this, of course, but just wanted to mention it just in case."

This is not rude, because the person has a genuine concern about something that could actually be dangerous, is coming from a position of experience/knowledge of that thing, and acknowledges that the other person has probably already noticed it and is on to it.

Here is an example of pointing out a concern that is rude, and is not helpful -

"Is there something wrong with your baby? My nephew's eyes didn't look that shape. Get him tested for Down's Syndrome or something."

This is rude because the person is not pointing out a potentially life-threatening danger that could easily be missed, is not coming from a position of experience or knowledge of any kind, and is weirdly assuming that despite having no experience or knowledge of Down's and having seen a single photo of the baby, he has noticed something that the parent, midwives and doctors have never even considered. It also rude because if a child had been diagnosed with Down's, asking a parent 'Is there something wrong with him?' is intrusive and offensive.

Hope this clarifies for you the bloody obvious difference between helpfully raising a potential concern because you're worried, and unhelpfully making a crass, meritless remark because you're a prick.

arethelightson · 08/04/2022 12:37

@user1493889010. In my baby's case, I suppose they did look a little puffy, particularly below the eyes. They reminded me of a baby bird 😊. My DC's eyes were checked a lot in hospital (routine due the prematurity) but all was fine then and have been fine up to the age of 14 so far...

Original poster
user1493889010 · 08/04/2022 12:37

Your poor friend some men really are vile!

OP posts:
Potatosaladfiend · 08/04/2022 12:37

As far as my daughter and my friends’ daughter, it wasn’t an ‘eye condition’ OP! It was just that their eyes looked slightly more distinctive than other babies. I had a theory that their head size needed to catch up with their eyes but that could well be complete rubbish! They both grew into their eyes and looked/look very cute.Please don’t spend time worrying about this non friend’s comment and enjoy your baby!

anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet · 08/04/2022 12:38

My DM said when she first saw my eldest she wondered if there was something 'wrong' because she had a wide bridge/her eyes were quite wide apart. To be honest it has really tainted my memory of their first meeting. She should have kept her thoughts to herself. My DD is now 20 and beautiful

Original poster
user1493889010 · 08/04/2022 12:38

Okay thank you!

OP posts:
MayMorris · 08/04/2022 12:38

@leftphilange

Beautiful baby absolutely nothing wrong with him and you need to drop this person from your life.

They have no medical awareness and if there was something wrong (which there isn't) check ups would have discovered it.

This person has absolutely no place in asking such a question.

No medical awareness? Well I’d have thought the general lack of self awareness from him ranks slightly higher🙄🤣