Hurt and confused someone has suggested there’s something wrong with my son?

[user1493889010]

Sorry this is probably a really superficial post but I am deeply hurt by a comment made by someone who is friends with me on my private social media account (someone I used to attend college with). I uploaded a collage of my baby son and amongst all the usual, lovely expected comments he posted:

‘Is something wrong with your son?’

After asking why they then commented:

‘Your son's eyes bulge like a child with Down's Syndrome.’

I replied saying there was nothing wrong with my son that he was healthy and happy and that his comment was rude and he replied:

‘Sorry, but that's why I asked if anything was wrong. Why would I pick on your son?
The fact is he looks like he has bulging eyes. That's why I asked whether anything was wrong whether it be Down's Syndrome or something else. I'm not a doctor so don't expect me to get the diagnosis correct from a few photos if there was something wrong.
Your eyes and your baby's eyes are very different. I don't know if it's just because he is a baby, not having any children of my own. But that isn't something I noticed in my neices and nephews when they were babies. Paediatricians must have a hard job dealing with parents who have something wrong with their child, but can’t admit it. Sorry’

Something that was intended to be such a positive experience sharing pictures of my son with my friends and family has turned out to be so negative. Why would he say this? Does my baby look like there’s something wrong with him? I feel very hurt and confused.

Here’s the collage I posted I have just added a picture in the middle of my eyes because of his comment about my eyes and my sons eyes.

Post edited by MNHQ to remove image as requested by OP

How awful of the person to write that. Probably they were just being horrid - I mean if someone had a real and genuine concern they would approach you privately not do it like that.

Please try to remove it from your mind and concentrate on your beautiful son!

Is there 'something wrong' with this man? I mean, is he awkward, bad social skills or whatever. Because for one a 'normal' man isn't that interested in someone elses baby, and secondly even if he did think the eyes had grabbed his attention for any reason, he would know it was inappropriate to type out such a long descriptive message to a mere acquaintance.
And lastly, he would know it comes across as an attack, and is cruel.
He sounds frankly very odd. Blocking was the best move.

@user1493889010

A common issue amongst premature babies is retinopathy. It doesnt always show up when they're first born and isnt always picked up by the standard baby checks etc. Your baby would need an eye exam by someone who knows to check for that.
The puffiness and slight bulging around the eyes is a sign of this. And your baby might not have been checked for it.

Best to make an appointment for an eye exam as it can be quite serious if left.

The person who commented those things is clearly going through something... That is not a normal remark to make and they clearly are missing a few brain cells, as well as common decency. Could they have fancied you in the past and felt burned or something? Really sounds like they are out to hurt you. So glad you have deleted them. No one needs that sort of negativity in their lives. Nothing "wrong" with a baby with downsyndrome and actually the condition leads to gorgeous children.

I couldn't see the pictures, but I work with infants full time and EVERY SINGLE CHILD looks different and behaves differently. The way their personalities and features evolve over time depends so heavily on their genetics. Your child might end up looking a heap like you when he's older, and then look more like his father as he nears 30. Or he might have your face shape and his Dad's features forever. Or he might resemble his grandparents. He might look most like you when he laughs. Genetics and babies are such incredible topics with endless possibilities and you are going to have an enjoyable journey watching your son grow.

I trust you know your son is beautiful now and will be forever. You know him better than anyone else x

@user1493889010

Yes already blocked! But for some reason his words are still ringing in my ears. I have no idea why as he was just a friendly acquaintance I’d say a brief hello to.

Ah. That might be why you never realised before that he is a complete nutcase!

@user1493889010

He has had every test under the sun. He was born premature so they cover all bases and there were no issues. He’s met every developmental milestone. What did you notice about my son when you’re looked at the photos that makes you think there may be an issue with him?

Ah, I was actually going to ask if he was premature. I know several children who were premature and a few (the ones who were very premature) have eyes like your son.

Get rid of such nasty "friends". Then also maybe avoid posting your child on social media.

I did not use the word abnormal. I don’t see it that way.

I could have very easily gone along with the flow and repeated what everyone else did but you came on here seeking views and I shared what I’ve honestly observed. I don’t think your sons eyes are big or bulging or abnormal. The area around his eyes, the area from above his nose, at least to my eyes, suggest it’s worth having a conversation with his paediatrician specifically about this to see if they can see anything you should dig into further.

Isn’t it better to be reassured? I don’t want to hurt your feelings, I just wanted to say don’t leave any stone unturned even where concerns may eventually be unfounded.

But, if I am a line voice that you think is utterly ridiculous and out of sync, ignore. You will always know better about your son’s health than me.

*Lone voice

Even if your baby did have Downs, it would have been very cruel to reply to your post with "what's wrong with him?" You should have turned that around - "what's wrong with you?" Your baby is perfect, your colleague is not given that he lacks in polite social skills.

There is also a chance that he was feeling bad tempered or vindictive and when he saw the nice comments he deliberately thought up something spiteful to burst the bubble.

"Paediatricians don't generally accost people in the street (which is effectively what this person has done) and make unwanted comments about the appearance of their babies."

I have a doctor friend who guessed from an acquaintance's eyes that he had an underactive thyroid. He then had an ethical issue because he's not supposed to mention it, but it would also be useful for the person to know...
Some doctors do partially diagnose people based on their appearance.

Isn’t it better to be reassured? I don’t want to hurt your feelings, I just wanted to say don’t leave any stone unturned even where concerns may eventually be unfounded.

Even if there is something wrong with the baby, such comments are extremely rude and unpleasant.

"Some doctors do partially diagnose people based on their appearance."

What I mean is that they can guess someone has a certain condition, not that they do a proper diagnosis.

Its insensitive and rude. I have suspected a couple of friends/acquaintances’ children might have a medical condition but have never asked them and certainly wouldnt make comments like that on facebook! I would keep my views to myself and wait for them to tell me if they wanted to. I think most people would do that too. If I was concerned about a close friend’s baby/child and thought they hadn’t noticed something that might be important for them to notice I might try and carefully broach the subject with them when meeting them face to face but never on a forum like Facebook.

Oh really I wasn’t aware? Do you know what this means? None of the doctors, midwives, speech and language therapists, health visitors or anyone who has assessed his development (which has all come back fine) has said anything about him having an eye shape specific to premature babies. He certainly has no problems with his sight which has all been tested. I will look this up. His eyes are very similar to mine and my mothers when we were babies so I’ve never thought there was any issue until today when I received that message.

@CatsArePeople

Isn’t it better to be reassured? I don’t want to hurt your feelings, I just wanted to say don’t leave any stone unturned even where concerns may eventually be unfounded.

Even if there is something wrong with the baby, such comments are extremely rude and unpleasant.

The friend or whoever he is could have said things differently. What I find very harmful and unhelpful about the general approach in this country is the polite detachment that allows people to live in ignorance about things that may be of detriment. The “polite” bystander approach that allows all sorts of wrongs to be perpetuated.

These days everything is extremely rude if the hearer does not like the message and so much goes into denouncing the messenger rather than considering whether the message has any merit.

None of the doctors or medical professionals that have seen him have said there are any issues with his appearance or development so the comments that man made this morning came as a shock

What a horrible thing to say to someone. All the others on your thread must he thinking he´s an idiot! I remember when my daughter was born, my husband accidentally met our landlord who asked to see a picture of the newborn and then told him how ugly she was. My husband was so taken aback he didnt answer. Some months later I bumped into him and he said oh she is so pretty much better than the photos your husband showed me. I would never tell parents their kid is ugly, who does that?

@user1493889010

None of the doctors or medical professionals that have seen him have said there are any issues with his appearance or development so the comments that man made this morning came as a shock

Unblock him simply to point this out and suggest he needs to acknowledge that there is something wrong with his own eyes. Then block him again.

"Bulging eyes" aren't a bloody sign of Down's syndrome anyway! He sounds thick and ignorant.

The issue was the guy isn’t a paediatric doctor he’s a pipeline engineer. I would probably be at the doctors right now if a doctor has made that assessment of my son.

@Gwenhwyfar

"Some doctors do partially diagnose people based on their appearance."

What I mean is that they can guess someone has a certain condition, not that they do a proper diagnosis.

Actually doctors can diagnose based on phenotypes (observable traits). Observable physical symptoms can lead to a syndrome diagnosis. Syndromes are diagnosed on symptoms, big head (macrcocephaly), unusual body proportions, even abnormal freckling patterns. Of course there can be developmental aspects and other medical conditions not visible that are part of the syndrome.

Even if your son did have Down's Syndrome, saying 'Is there something wrong with your son?' would be really fucking rude. Firstly, it would be none of his business. Secondly, it would not be 'something wrong'.

This man is a giant arsehole and I have encountered people like him many times before on social media. Zero empathy, zero manners and usually angrily defend their rudeness by claiming they were 'trying to be helpful' or 'just being honest'.

Some doctors do partially diagnose people based on their appearance

Except this man wasn't a doctor. He was a random acquaintance basing his 'partial diagnosis' on the fact that a baby didn't look like his own nieces and nephews, in one photograph.

No you’re right I looked it up and it’s not one of the signs.