11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

[reallyupset11yodd]

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

@TrippinEdBalls

No, it should have been the OP’s reaction before she grabbed her brother. Knowing that her 11 year old is reactive. And nobody loses then: the brother doesn’t get grabbed.

I just can't get behind this message that because the DD is 'reactive' the whole family must constantly placate her in order to head her violence off at the pass. I think it's really unhealthy for everyone, and a very poor substitute for getting the DD the professional help she clearly needs. Pretending that it's everyone else who's wrong, not the frighteningly violent preteen, is setting up everyone for failure the next time they don't manage to appease her.

''Reactive''.. Sigh. This was very violent behaviour, and the child doesn't sound particularly likeable..and is ''Only'' Eleven.

A child of Eleven showing violent behaviour like this in a so say ''Normal'' Family has zero excuse for it.

Placating and coochy-cooing will not work.

An 11 yr old girl at a local school had a ''Temper'' like this, the child, but child is now an adult, and has convictions for violence against innocent people ..Can't say who as look up-able online.

She was also violent to younger sibs.

This behaviour is absolutely not on.
The fact the 11 yr old wasn't remotely apologetic afterwards? Unreal.
Definitely professional help is needed.

So ''Young'' to be so violent as well. It doesn't bode well for the future unless serious help is sought.

@Pumperthepumper so you think its ok a 11 yearv old punches her mum and pushes her fo the ground, really?
There is no excuse for violent behaviour
So if someone says something at school she doesn't like it will be ok to behave like that

@Pumperthepumper you are victim blaming
There was no goading just a parent punishing a child fir hurting a sibling
Then the child hit her mother , that is not on and its called assault
There isn't justifications for that just because they had sweets taken away

@VeganGod disgusting post the brother is 8 a child
Your supposed to be an adult and regardless of what he said he shouldn't of been physically hurt

Othe Holy Joes come on to reprimand the Op for taking away her lollipops. In another age, those lollipops would have been shoved up her arse sideways and while you cannot do that, you can make the experience of her losing her shit in this way not a pleasant one for her.

Or you act in a straight forward way with your children, ask them for the gifts early in the day, instead of playing games and guilt tripping them later in the day and behaving like a martyr. What’s the point?

At breakfast when you realise they have forgot, simply say ‘dad said you have some presents for me for being the best mum in the world’. Make a joke of it, not tell them you’re hurt and let them wind each other up. When siblings get involved in disputes you don’t let them. And then these issues don’t occur in the first place. What a fucking mess and a waste of a day.

Gobsmacked! How on earth is this the OPs fault? Children do need to be aware that their actions have an effect on others, would the child be happy on her birthday if no one acknowledged it? Why is it ok for the child to lash out at her sibling, mother and surroundings? And how do you propose stopping the child hurting the sibling especially given the reaction she had to her mother enforcing boundaries. Honestly it’s no wonder there are so many entitled adults! Children need rules and consequences it’s how they learn. I’m sorry this happened to you op I have a teenager who once tried something very similar, all privileges were removed and clear expectations regarding behaviour were discussed firmly! Thankfully It hasn’t happened again but I am much firmer as a consequence.

@Viviennemary

It does seem a huge escalation just because a child forgot to give you your present. I think you need to lookat how you handle things. You are the adult here.

Have you actually read OP's posts, @Viviennemary? The situation arose because OP's daughter hurt her little brother, not because she forgot to give OP her present.

I think its not surprising how we have out of control kids today
Judging by some of the responses
On here
No wonder so many lack respect when people justify violence as being ok and somebody elses fault
In life things will hapoen you don't like but you can't react with violence

@VeganGod

Othe Holy Joes come on to reprimand the Op for taking away her lollipops. In another age, those lollipops would have been shoved up her arse sideways and while you cannot do that, you can make the experience of her losing her shit in this way not a pleasant one for her.

Or you act in a straight forward way with your children, ask them for the gifts early in the day, instead of playing games and guilt tripping them later in the day and behaving like a martyr. What’s the point?

At breakfast when you realise they have forgot, simply say ‘dad said you have some presents for me for being the best mum in the world’. Make a joke of it, not tell them you’re hurt and let them wind each other up. When siblings get involved in disputes you don’t let them. And then these issues don’t occur in the first place. What a fucking mess and a waste of a day.

The kid has violent tendencies. If it wasn’t the card it’d be something else the next day, maybe she’d take offence at being asked if she’d done her homework and slam her mum’s head against a wall for daring to ask? The kid has major anger issues and that obviously needs to be dealt with, probably by a professional.

disgusting post the brother is 8 a child
Your supposed to be an adult and regardless of what he said he shouldn't of been physically hurt

Boone should have been hurt. But it was OPs job as parent to stop the sibling getting involved. He had given his gift. It was for the OP to discuss with her daughter what happened with hers, not the younger siblings place to tell the older one what she should do. That’s a recipe for disaster. And I’d be surprised if the sibling smacking each other wasn’t a regular occurrence, yours either parents that allow that or you’re not. My children have never laid a finger on each other, it was never an option in my house, but I also didn’t let them get involved in each other’s issues, it was between us as parents and the individual child.

Pretending that it's everyone else who's wrong, not the frighteningly violent preteen, is setting up everyone for failure the next time they don't manage to appease her.

Yes. Being thrown to the ground and punched in the head is no-one else's fault in the situation in the OP. I used to teach teenagers with with emotional and behavioural difficulties, and while we advised families on strategies to manage their behaviour, appeasement was not one of them. The other children in the family should not be expected to feel guilty or responsible for their sibling's violence

It all went completely tits up in the worst way possible. I assume this was a complete shock to you but the signs were there in the past from some things you mention.

All the would shoulda coulda aren't victim blaming, they're ways to look at a situation and know better for next time. The main goal is de escalation. Until things calm down,punishments ,words,berating has no effect except fanning the flames even more.

For example,she hurt her brother,you sent her to her room. That should've stopped there until you were both in a position to talk and then discuss her behaviour and consequences. She had already gone from 0 to 100... there was only higher to go.

You say you have private insurance. You need to get some professionals involved. She needs help and someone to teach her and support her in how to self regulate, recognise the signs,take herself out of the situation and learn various coping mechanism. You can make positive changes in your home and parenting (only mentioning this because things seem to get worse not better), but I really believe you need a professional to try and attempt to "fix" this. It's also possible your daughter does have trauma, that you're either unaware of or don't see it like that.

There's a lot to unpick and a lot of negative big feelings, frankly too much to deal with in house.

You'll have been extremely hurt and marked by this incident, especially emotionally and mentally.

Hopefully it was the worst day you'll ever have with her, and there is a way forward for you all.

No one

@Pumperthepumper

A victim of what?

The OP has an 11 year old with a known temper, and they clearly haven’t worked out a strategy for that. Punishments clearly don’t work. So goading them into a reaction and unleashing a series of punishments to an 11 year old with absolutely no control over their life needs examined.

OP didn't goad her 11 year old. The 11 year old was reacting to her brother reminding her that she had a present for their mum, not to what OP said.

There is no excusing violent behaviour hitting you over the head whilst you're on the floor.

This cannot happen again, speak to her when she is calmer.

I'm sorry. 😞

@VeganGod the op intervened as the dd hurt the younger brother physically
You do get involved then and no matter what there is no justification for the child hitting her in the head 3 times and pushing her then trashing the place
Or you just stand about watching an older child hit a younger one, whT her dd then thinks its ok to do this to a child at school or someone else is that then ok as well
Maybe the OP could if handled the present situation better and if her daughter had stropped or slammed a door then ok not great but she didn't she punched that is assualt

It was a guilt trip, and you know it was. She’s 11 years old, she has very little control over her life. So you introduced the conversation, punished her, followed her, punished her again, she reacted violently and…you punished her more. Massive communication breakdown, and you’re the adult in this situation.
Im sorry but I also think you punished her a lot, before she got you. She probably felt dreadful for forgetting and felt bad about herself, and you sent her to her room, took lollipops and then all her tech. I also think you should get some help.

Also, you could ha r brought it up lightly and jokingly not tried to make them feel bad.

@VeganGod. Right so it was the OP's fault then,

Dangerous bollocks.

Apply this to victims of domestic violence across the board then.

Does she do this at school or to her friends? The answer is, according to OP, she doesn't.

Why might that me. Let me have a little think.

Oh yes, because she wouldn't be able to get away with it. You know. like all abusers. they don't abuse in other situations, only at home where they can get away with it.

The fact this abuser is 11, makes it worse. What the fuck will she be doing when she is 16. the OP will be sleeping with one eye ope in case the house is burned down.

But carry, on, blame others and the poor OP has been pummelled enough to go and tell her she loves her. She might be telling her that through the bars of a cell, in a few years time, if she doesn't get a grip on this and this person thinks she can try to split the head of anyone who annoys her.

How will the OP explain-in a few short years- to the mother of one of this person's vulnerable victims-that she was like this as a child and her answer was to hug her and tell her she loved her!

She sounds like a violent bully and the answer is not to kiss her arse and appease her.

So sorry OP this sounds very hard. Your Gp can refer to CAMHS. I'd try and get an urgent referral.

[quote worriedatthistime]@VeganGod the op intervened as the dd hurt the younger brother physically
You do get involved then and no matter what there is no justification for the child hitting her in the head 3 times and pushing her then trashing the place
Or you just stand about watching an older child hit a younger one, whT her dd then thinks its ok to do this to a child at school or someone else is that then ok as well
Maybe the OP could if handled the present situation better and if her daughter had stropped or slammed a door then ok not great but she didn't she punched that is assualt
[/quote]
She needed to stop the younger sibling getting involved, it wasn’t his place. But OP was too busy being a passive aggressive game playing martyr. Just ask for the gifts first thing, say thanks and have a nice day.

@VeganGod loads of siblings hit each other , thats not uncommon and its clear OP doesn't allow it hence the punishment
The 8 year old child simply reminded his sister she also had a present, kids wind each other up
Obviously you have perfect children and are a perfect parent
But don't blame the OP and say its ok for a child to hit a parent in the head as well , very dangerous

[quote EndaDay]@VeganGod. Right so it was the OP's fault then,

Dangerous bollocks.

Apply this to victims of domestic violence across the board then.

Does she do this at school or to her friends? The answer is, according to OP, she doesn't.

Why might that me. Let me have a little think.

Oh yes, because she wouldn't be able to get away with it. You know. like all abusers. they don't abuse in other situations, only at home where they can get away with it.

The fact this abuser is 11, makes it worse. What the fuck will she be doing when she is 16. the OP will be sleeping with one eye ope in case the house is burned down.

But carry, on, blame others and the poor OP has been pummelled enough to go and tell her she loves her. She might be telling her that through the bars of a cell, in a few years time, if she doesn't get a grip on this and this person thinks she can try to split the head of anyone who annoys her.

How will the OP explain-in a few short years- to the mother of one of this person's vulnerable victims-that she was like this as a child and her answer was to hug her and tell her she loved her!

She sounds like a violent bully and the answer is not to kiss her arse and appease her.[/quote]
So what should OP do?

@VeganGod and your too bust being a troll
Your no being helpful just goady yourself

There are parts of the OP which suggest that although you are the parent, you are expecting your pre-teenage children to have adult brains and emotions. Your own emotions are sound a little dependent - but you are the adult.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day
You're not alone - you're at home with your family. DH is alone.

I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt
They're children. You're hurt? Emotional blackmail.

DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised

None of this is ok. Immediately running to make you feel ok?. But you're their carer this weekend, they're depending on you! How is it ok your NINE year old is feeling awful and running to placate you? Not healthy.

DS then told DD she should be doing something
Who made him (younger child) the boss (I'd the eldest? (daughter)?

(dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me)

Seems like the patriarchy is alive and well in your house OP, and your daughter is railing against it.