11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

[reallyupset11yodd]

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

Very interesting to see mixed responses, l agree had it been a DS the replies would be very different.
Self control and accountability are whats needed here. l wouldn't have thought twice about phoning the police, punching and attacking your own mother because she said she was disapointed is vile ,violent behaviour, and blaming OP is wrong and damaging.

Go through events bit by bit and think through what were the triggers to each bit of escalation and what you could have done differently.

Why was her brother winding her up goading her? Is this something that is a trigger?

How would you feel if someone said to you what you said to them?

What happened before this to make you mention presents?

Were the kids hungry?

What was different about the weekend? Change of routine can be unsettling even for NT kids.

Did they eat enough? (Hangry)
Was the weekend too busy
Do they need to chill after activities
Do they need a snack? (Drink warmth/cooling,hug,space?)

Does her brother get bossy/goady often?

What could you all do differently?

Brother, you, her.

Be honest with yourself. You are the adult and your behaviour is easiest to change. Whether that is stepping in earlier, teaching them calming strategies thinking of natural consequences planning the weekend, etc etc.

How can you talk through behaviour to get change?

Basically things went badly wrong today, but it will be made up of little things that all lined up to meltdown...

You need a plan to stop it happening again. Only by going through it all and seeing what can be done differently (including de-escalation, appropriate consequences, clear explanations. (Eg I am taking away these away until tomorrow, you can earn X back by...) Having consistent consequences..etc etc. Talk over with DH. Make a plan together.

Parenting is bloody hard work. Particularly when you have a volatile teen.

I don’t think a thousand mothers today have sat their kids down age 11-2 and told them all how hurt they are

I bet there are more than a thousand mothers UK-wide whose kids have done nothing for them for Mother's Day and have let their disappointment be known. If the stats were out there to prove it one way or another, I'd make a considerable bet on it.

Ok well I’d be surprised if anyone I knew told me their kids (all under 11) hadn’t presented the gifts they knew were upstairs, so they sat them all down and said how hurt they were in such a way that a 2 year old said sorry and was hugging her mum and a 9 year old felt ‘awful’ and ran to get presents before telling his sister off because she wasn’t running immediately.

I'm away to my bed before all these apologists make me throw up! Hangry! For fucks sake!

I only hope that my children never run into an individual like this, especially as it sounds as if she is going to carry on being excused and unchecked until she murders someone.

I hope it isn't my child that is a future victim of hers.

@Kanaloa as parents we also make mistakes there is no justification for the violence whatsover
As a parent you can take kids things away as a punishment they can think its unfair maybe slam a door or two but to hit the mum 3 times and in the head and then trash the house , there is no justification for that and Op simply said she wAs hurt they had forgotten mothers day then intervened when her dd hurt a sibling by removing priviledges
You shouldn't have to pussy foot around your kids
Many a mother has prob said something to kids who have forgotten
Hundreds of siblings will of had spats and loads of kids prob had a device or two taken away
Most won't of reacted by hitting and attacking their parent

@BlackeyedSusan

Go through events bit by bit and think through what were the triggers to each bit of escalation and what you could have done differently.

Why was her brother winding her up goading her? Is this something that is a trigger?

How would you feel if someone said to you what you said to them?

What happened before this to make you mention presents?

Were the kids hungry?

What was different about the weekend? Change of routine can be unsettling even for NT kids.

Did they eat enough? (Hangry)
Was the weekend too busy
Do they need to chill after activities
Do they need a snack? (Drink warmth/cooling,hug,space?)

Does her brother get bossy/goady often?

What could you all do differently?

Brother, you, her.

Be honest with yourself. You are the adult and your behaviour is easiest to change. Whether that is stepping in earlier, teaching them calming strategies thinking of natural consequences planning the weekend, etc etc.

How can you talk through behaviour to get change?

Basically things went badly wrong today, but it will be made up of little things that all lined up to meltdown...

You need a plan to stop it happening again. Only by going through it all and seeing what can be done differently (including de-escalation, appropriate consequences, clear explanations. (Eg I am taking away these away until tomorrow, you can earn X back by...) Having consistent consequences..etc etc. Talk over with DH. Make a plan together.

Parenting is bloody hard work. Particularly when you have a volatile teen.

Jeeeze. If everyone gave this much thought to every interaction with evey one of their three kids nothing would ever get done.

I think I'm a pretty good parent. I certainly over-think a lot of parenting stuff and try to get things right. But this is a level of perfect parenting that is beyond 99.99% of us. And again, it's focusing on a very low level of imperfection on OP's part, and a massively concerning level of violence on her 11 year old daughter's.

The focus needs to be on this child. Something is very wrong here, and I think it's internal rather than external. People constantly criticising OP for a minor possible error of judgement is way off the point.

I didn’t say it was acceptable. I’ve actually said multiple times that it’s not. I just think the first place we have to look is ourselves. Of course there needs to be consequences, but it doesn’t mean the overall family dynamic is fine and shouldn’t be changed.

@Kanaloa well of course not because people like you only know perfect parents don't you

I’m not a perfect parent and never said that I was. That’s why I know about looking at yourself and changing what you do to help your kids, because I’ve had to do it myself.

But yeah, nobody I know has had their two year old apologise to them or their preteen feel awful for forgetting to give them a box of chocolates. I guess most of us would just say oi where’s my chocs? Rather than sit them down and say ‘I’m really hurt.’ I wouldn’t really even think of being ‘all alone’ on Mother’s Day.

@Kanaloa no your making excuses were not talking a teenage strop here
Yes maybe OP could of said it better about the presents but maybe she was having a shit day too
Siblings fight but if one uses violence then you punish so here OP did nothing wrong and she said she has hurt sibling before
You are mostly victim blaming and i agree with others if this was a ds many would have a different attitude
Yes we can look at ourselves as none of us are perfecf but that doesn't justify such a violent reaction and for that i would be seeking help but also if it were mine the phone/ laptop would be kept for a long time

you claimed your brother wound you up and thats why you hit nor that you were hitting back
You have offered no advice just blamed the op whilst telling everyone what a perfect parent you are,

Yes, there were times where he wound me up so I hit him. It was the way it was in our family, he was allowed to do it. He hit me many times in our childhood before I ever retaliated. Needless to say, I was always punished yet he was never punished for winding me up or hitting me. He’s now a wife beater and my relationship is very healthy.

I have offered advice for the future. Read my posts. The dynamics in this family seem very odd. I agree with Kanaloa.

Anyway, I have covid, feel rubbish and it’s bedtime so I will leave you it. 😇

@EdnaDay
I am not sure from your post if you said this or IdonWanna

“I would inform the police. Would they do anything? I hope so but, whether or not, I would march her down to the station first thing in the morning to frighten the shit out out of her. if it doesn't frighten her, then she really is on the path to God knows what.”

This seems extraordinarily wrong. OP didn’t say the child has done this before.

Something somewhere is wrong for this child.

Either she has been extremely upset by something, is under great stress for some reason OP doesn’t realise, or some illness or condition is mentally/physiologically affecting her.

Plenty of police are anything but bastions of right behaviour anyway. There are plenty of thugs among their ranks.

I'd suggest a chat with SEN lead at her school. They may have noticed additional behaviours. I'd also speak to your GP (yes I know the NHS is fd up, but still.... if you don't want to do this, talk to MIND and CAMHS.

I've not been involved in physical violence but my DC started with ridiculous anger at 10/11. Diagnosed autistic 18m later. Hormones kicked it all off.

If any medics suggest medication to help, pls keep her off antidepressants they are very bad for children's hormonal development. Good luck xxxx

@VeganGod but OP is not your family and nowhere has she said the sibling hit or has hit dd today or before but that dd had pushed her sibling before
Op intervened before the sibling hit back so that is right surely especially considering what you said as the ds is the one being pushed here

[quote worriedatthistime]@Kanaloa no your making excuses were not talking a teenage strop here
Yes maybe OP could of said it better about the presents but maybe she was having a shit day too
Siblings fight but if one uses violence then you punish so here OP did nothing wrong and she said she has hurt sibling before
You are mostly victim blaming and i agree with others if this was a ds many would have a different attitude
Yes we can look at ourselves as none of us are perfecf but that doesn't justify such a violent reaction and for that i would be seeking help but also if it were mine the phone/ laptop would be kept for a long time [/quote]
Okay well I think it was badly handled. I agree with you that it’s unacceptable and would be putting consequences in place if it was my home but I don’t think I’m making excuses. However, you’re entitled to your own opinion same as I’m entitled to mine.

Many posters have mentioned handling the situation better so this didn't escalate and that's great. But if OPs DD acts that way to a peer who winds her up or says the wrong thing then the police will get involved or the child will hit her back.

Ultimately we all make this up as we go along. We get it wrong and would do things differently given the chance over. I apologize to my DC all the the for not doing the right thing or making small mistakes. But we can't walk on eggshells to not upset our DC. The violence isn't okay and that is the obvious issue here.

I recognise this family dynamic.
Some of you won't. But I do. Red flags everywhere.
Family scapegoating. Guilt tripping. Emotional blackmail.

I'm going to get into trouble for saying this but something's off here.
"I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day"
No, you are at home with your family, your own children, on Sunday.

You could have gently dropped a hint about the card/gifts, showed some humour and patience, but you made it about you, you were hurt.

9 yo and 2 yo apologising?
Ds telling Dd what to do?

Your kids have already learned they are on their own, not a family unit.
Have you considered why none of them thought about you on mothers day?
Listing what items she has to show she is from a good home?
This child behaved very badly and she needs to learn to stop this. For her sake. But she isn't the only one in this family with a problem.

I can guarantee you and your daughter won't be in contact by the time she is 20, and none of your children will speak to each other as adults.
Sorry to be so harsh.

Yes I’d also be interested in how often the 11 year old is hearing she is selfish, lacks empathy, hurts mummy, is different than her other siblings, ungrateful, not loving until she explodes into an outburst of uncontrollable rage. A qualified impartial therapist is the only way to go here.

I know I'm not meaning it to sound rough but there's so many sociopaths who just needed a good hiding when they were young to put them on to the straight and narrow!)

May I ask what at which university you ‘studied psychology for years’ that gave you the idea that hitting people cures sociopathy? Unless it was a joke, since I’m sure you know that physically abusing your child won’t help their behaviour and certainly won’t cure psychological issues.

@Kanaloa

I know I'm not meaning it to sound rough but there's so many sociopaths who just needed a good hiding when they were young to put them on to the straight and narrow!)

May I ask what at which university you ‘studied psychology for years’ that gave you the idea that hitting people cures sociopathy? Unless it was a joke, since I’m sure you know that physically abusing your child won’t help their behaviour and certainly won’t cure psychological issues.

You do know you can study without doing it at University? Have you ever lived on a council estate? Have you endured years of the same group of kids mentally and sometimes physically torturing the nice neighbourhood kids just because they weren't taught not to by their parents? Many people who were brought up with a 'clip round the lug' when getting caught doing something they shouldn't have said it was a good thing. Hitting doesn't cure sociopathy, they're your words. I'm saying if they got taught it's not right to put their hands on someone else by their parents, alot of kids would have had a better childhood because of it. This is deviating from the op thread but I'm happy to clarify the context for you.

Amici; "If she had hit me and I was op, she'd have got one back."
Really? That's child abuse and it's against the law.
The reason for this is because it's not an equal relationship. Adult with all the power and size/strength, and 11 year old child?
OP is the adult here. If her child is aggressive at that age I'd be looking at the whole family, not an 11 year old.

Not sure how much psychology you have to study to come up with the idea that some people are "mental" either. Or that 11 year old 'sociopaths' can be cured with a good hiding.

And there's a massive difference in abusing a child than giving a short, sharp shock! When I was little, I took off away from the street for a couple of hours with a friend, I got a smack on the bum for it, never did it again, certainly not traumatised for it now. Crazy huh.

(adding to previous post)

She's had these issues for a while. What has worked in the past? What did you do differently today? Why? What were you feeling, why, and how did that effect your actions, thinking and the behaviour of the children.)

(Eg were you tetchy cos the two year old was shampooing her hair with spaghetti?)

Have you sought help previously?
(Should you have? If so why haven't you (rhetorical, and possibly help thinking what to do next and where changes can be made))

Is it time to get professional help and if so what? Read through info on ADHD or autism or go to school etc

Also, as this has happened, what are the consequences going to be now?

(Because the behaviour is still unacceptable, and the thinking through is preventing next time, consequences will help that)

Good luck.