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Original poster

11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

619 replies

reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 19:12

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 28/03/2022 00:14

@Pumperthepumper

I think you need to calm yourself down. You guilt tripped her and backed her into a corner. Do further punishments mean she didn’t push you? No. So give them back and talk to her about her reaction.
That’s absolutely no excuse for violently assaulting another person.
worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 00:14

@ldontWanna maybe take advice of many on here who have suggested things rather than those purely blaming OP and saying the dd behaviour is acceptable

worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 00:16

@PennyFleck get a grip none if that is an excuse for a child to hit their sibling or the mother 3 times and then trash the house

Soontobe60 · 28/03/2022 00:17

@PennyFleck

There are parts of the OP which suggest that although you are the parent, you are expecting your pre-teenage children to have adult brains and emotions. Your own emotions are sound a little dependent - but you are the adult.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day
You're not alone - you're at home with your family. DH is alone.

I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt
They're children. You're hurt? Emotional blackmail.

DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised

None of this is ok. Immediately running to make you feel ok?. But you're their carer this weekend, they're depending on you! How is it ok your NINE year old is feeling awful and running to placate you? Not healthy.

DS then told DD she should be doing something
Who made him (younger child) the boss (I'd the eldest? (daughter)?

(dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me)

Seems like the patriarchy is alive and well in your house OP, and your daughter is railing against it.

No, she’s not railing against the patriarchy, she’s a teen who’s completely lost control and assaulted her parent. And you are sitting there in judgement of the person who’s been assaulted all because she had the audacity to tell her children that she was upset that they didn’t show any thought for her today. That’s how entitled kids turn into entitled adults - when people make excuses for their appalling behaviour.
VeganGod · 28/03/2022 00:18

EndaDay

I have never hit anyone in my life....other than my sibling when we were kids because he was a total wind up. If my mum would have actually parented him properly, I wouldn’t have felt so angry and lots of situations wouldn’t have escalated. No I didn’t hit my parents, I just became aware they weren’t worth bothering with as they too were passive aggressive martyrs with a golden child. My own family is a happy one, kids treated fairly and not allowed to wind each other up. If OP thinks there’s more at play, she should get help, but parenting effectively is key.

worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 00:18

Its no surprise we have an issue with unruly kids in classrooms etc today judging by some on here
People excusing violent behaviour as though its justified
If a this child goes on to do this to another child at school, will that be ok as the other child said something to upset them?
Because its the mother thats ok
The other child made a comment kids do , kids bicker but that doesn't make it ok for a nearly 12 year old to hurt an 8 year old

worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 00:20

@VeganGod there you go give yourself a medal with your perfect parenting
Kids that have never argued
Wonder if people who know you think there so perfect

worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 00:21

@VeganGod so you have hit someone and you justified it because he wound you up so it was ok
So therefor you do justify violence really don't you as he deserved it

worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 00:21

Some very bored trolls out tonight I would say

VeganGod · 28/03/2022 00:22

[quote worriedatthistime]@VeganGod there you go give yourself a medal with your perfect parenting
Kids that have never argued
Wonder if people who know you think there so perfect [/quote]
No such thing as perfect but they’re good kids. They are loving, happy and respectful as that’s how they’ve been brought up. And yes, people comment that they’re lovely because they are.

VeganGod · 28/03/2022 00:24

so you have hit someone and you justified it because he wound you up so it was ok
So therefor you do justify violence really don't you as he deserved it

My brother got me many times before o finally hit him. Yes, it was justified as no one protected me from him.

VeganGod · 28/03/2022 00:24

hit

worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 00:24

@VeganGod of course they do to you
Well done you must be great being perfect and judgemental of others
Still a person who condones violence though aren't you

Kanaloa · 28/03/2022 00:25

Nobody is excusing there behaviour or suggesting it’s a-ok for a child to attack the parent. Just saying that if it had been handled a bit better then it could have been avoided and led to a better overall experience for mum and children. It seems like there was a negative atmosphere overall with younger two kids running to placate mum, feeling awful and apologising etc. Especially the waiting so you can say how hurt you are, which seems like just trying to outlet your feelings about being ‘all alone’ for Mother’s Day. It could have been handled better.

Looking at how you can improve isn’t a bad thing. If the mum can’t do it, surely it’s unreasonable to expect the girl to do it.

Kanaloa · 28/03/2022 00:26

@worriedatthistime

Its no surprise we have an issue with unruly kids in classrooms etc today judging by some on here People excusing violent behaviour as though its justified If a this child goes on to do this to another child at school, will that be ok as the other child said something to upset them? Because its the mother thats ok The other child made a comment kids do , kids bicker but that doesn't make it ok for a nearly 12 year old to hurt an 8 year old
They’re 11 and 9. I realise 12 and 8 makes it all a bit more dramatic etc but that’s not what age they are.
worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 00:26

@VeganGod you claimed your brother wound you up and thats why you hit nor that you were hitting back
You have offered no advice just blamed the op whilst telling everyone what a perfect parent you are,

gumball37 · 28/03/2022 00:26

@reallyupset11yodd

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

Seek a mental health evaluation.
worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 00:28

@Kanaloa sorry i git ages wrong though op says nearly 12 either way it makes no difference at all or more dramatic
She hurt a younger sibling then her mum
Your just being pendantic and another one justifying violence

worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 00:29

@Kanaloa also read I said nearly 12 not 12 ffs
Is that all you have to offer

Kanaloa · 28/03/2022 00:30

I’m not justifying violence Hmm I’ve said maybe five times that the girl’s behaviour is unacceptable. But I think it could have been avoided for a more positive experience.

saraclara · 28/03/2022 00:30

There was nothing that happened in this household that didn't happen in a thousand households today. Parents got annoyed or hurt, siblings wound each other up all across the country. But I don't imagine that any mother other than OP ended up being knocked to the ground and beaten around the head, sworn at and her home trashed by an 11 year old daughter.

Stop blaming OP for not being perfect. Nothing here happened that was abusive, unreasonable or OTT in any way. Her DD however was irrational and EXTREMELY violent. Both she and OP need help. This is not going to be sorted by everyone tiptoeing around her.

ScrollingLeaves · 28/03/2022 00:31

I am so sorry this happened. You must feel shaken to the core. It is a good idea you are going to ask for a referral for her as this dates seem an extreme reaction on her part. Could there be a place for family counselling too?

I notice you said, “I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.“ Are you sure it is a good idea for an eleven year old to have those things alone in her room? Is it possible she is in a disturbed state from seeing things she can’t cope with, or being bullied, or spending too much time on line and becoming dissociated?

A reaction like hers might be a symptom of something much more upsetting than this argument, but you just happened to provide an excuse for her expressing pent up feelings from something else.

EndaDay · 28/03/2022 00:31

@IdontWanna

There are various options the OP could do.

Underlining them all is to get over to this violent person just how serious the situation is and how it will not be rewarded by kindness.

I would inform the police. Would they do anything? I hope so but, whether or not, I would march her down to the station first thing in the morning to frighten the shit out out of her. if it doesn't frighten her, then she really is on the path to God knows what.

I might inform the school. Not only would I tell I was doing this, I would have her there while she I did it.

I would make her apologise to her brother and, whether she meant it or not, I would reward her brother at her expense...fining her if you like. Something like he has her pocket money for a month or cleans his room every day.

I would no nothing for her beyond feed her for a full week. No Tv, no nothing that would bring her a moment's pleasure for a full week.

She would know she is in disgrace and I would be making no excuses for her. She has placed herself outside the family and she would feel that.

I would let her know that if she tries to crack a stranger's head open, she would be placed outside society by going to gaol.

Would I tell her friends and wider family? Maybe?

I would do anything that would hopefully make her ashamed and uncomfortable both for the sake of my own family and wider society.

If she couldn't be shamed then I would know exactly what type of person she is. The type of person who kicks a tramp's head in because she can and I would watch this dangerous person like a hawk.

She beat her mother up and she is only 11. Do you think violent criminals don't start their career until they have turned 18? Violence is violence and this person threw her mother to the floor and, not content with that, punched her head three times. It wasn't a fucking accident or moment of madness. She carried on!

What I wouldn't do is crawl around after her. The OP has done this and what was her reward...an unapologetic face and attitude. So that worked, didn't it!

EndaDay · 28/03/2022 00:33

Away and take yourself by the hand @VeganGod.

Kanaloa · 28/03/2022 00:33

I don’t think a thousand mothers today have sat their kids down age 11-2 and told them all how hurt they are, resulting in the kids running to placate them and apologising/hugging etc.

But either way saying it was handled badly doesn’t justify the daughter’s behaviour. It’s simply saying that looking at the whole situation could prevent a repeat of it, rather than just saying ‘I have no idea why my daughter did that, nothing I can do, just punish her and carry on as I am.’