11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

[reallyupset11yodd]

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

@roseyfelldown it was cleat Op
Meant she wAs looking after kids on mothers day and her dh wasn't here to help
Just a simple wording which you have twisted to suit as many on here have
People have assumed the situation is there same as their own and gone from there
Even of Op made mistakes the child hitting is not ok
In life not everyone will do things the way the dd wants , what of she reacts violently then at school or with friends do you think people will be looking at what was said then or the violence

@Amici i was the one who said about condoning violence but maybe read it in the context it was said you have read it totally wrong

@Amici and in many parts of the uk even a short sharp shock is ilegal nowadays
Im not sure using violence on a child who is struggling with anger issue is appropriate either , what will that teach her when you want her to learn violence isn't the answer and to control her emotions another way

@roseyfelldown

Amici; "If she had hit me and I was op, she'd have got one back." Really? That's child abuse and it's against the law. The reason for this is because it's not an equal relationship. Adult with all the power and size/strength, and 11 year old child? OP is the adult here. If her child is aggressive at that age I'd be looking at the whole family, not an 11 year old. Not sure how much psychology you have to study to come up with the idea that some people are "mental" either. Or that 11 year old 'sociopaths' can be cured with a good hiding.

You're putting your own spin on it. I'm assuming you're thinking it takes a full adult hit when it's nothing near. That's you putting your wrong end of the stick on to me. See if a woman hits a man, do you expect the man to just take it? He's full entitled to restrain her within the right means without going overboard and hurting her. Same thing. And again, your idea of abuse is totally different to mine. The law was brought in to stop abuse because some parents were taking it way too far. If you haven't experienced it, then you won't understand it. Is it abuse to take a child's computer from them? Surely that's their belonging and no one has a right to touch it! Your definition of abuse isn't the same as other so it's abit odd that you're claiming abuse without any context.

@Amici in fairness you never said restraining

[quote worriedatthistime]@Amici and in many parts of the uk even a short sharp shock is ilegal nowadays
Im not sure using violence on a child who is struggling with anger issue is appropriate either , what will that teach her when you want her to learn violence isn't the answer and to control her emotions another way [/quote]
It teaches actions have consequences and there's always someone bigger if she wants to go down that route so best to stop it. How do you know I took the other pp wrong when even she was saying you've took her comment wrong? Clearly you're the one who read it wrong 🙈

[quote worriedatthistime]@Amici in fairness you never said restraining [/quote]
That's right. Because that was a different scenario. And op could have restrained her child until she'd calmed down without hitting her back.

@Amici what if OP is in scotland ? Its ilegal to smack a child in scotland so your wrong and no the poster who I said about conding violence was because they seemed to blame the op and then said they hit their brother when he wound them up and that he deserved it , then they later said they hit back which is different to
What first implied

@Amici so are you a qualified practicing physiologist

I'd tackle it with a sit down with you, your husband and DD. Use your C's - concerned, curious, confused

You're concerned about her reaction last night. She hurt you, she made a huge mess. You are curious as to why she acted like she did. Can she help you to understand what she was thinking and feeling?

Then wait for her to talk. Use words like you are curious, you'd like to understand. Ask her how she would have felt if she was you - being hit, having her things thrown around.

If you feel she is engaging and being genuine with her responses, then ask what she thinks is a suitable consequence for her actions. Discuss rules going forward and that physical violence is never ok.

If she is avoidant, then counselling might be an option. The incident needs to be discussed and not avoided.

@VeganGod

It was a guilt trip, and you know it was. She’s 11 years old, she has very little control over her life. So you introduced the conversation, punished her, followed her, punished her again, she reacted violently and…you punished her more. Massive communication breakdown, and you’re the adult in this situation.

This.

Also you should have told shit stirring little brother to keep out when he told her she should be doing something. He’d only remembered after you said something yet you let him stir the pot.

Spot on!!

She needs anger management counselling. I was similar at this age. It's easy to condemn by my hormones were totally out of control and I had no strategies at all to manage the red mist. I always regretted it when the rage passed but I felt taken over in the moment.
My parents focused on punishments, removal of pocket money, grounding that sort of thing. I didn't work becuse I didn't want to be "bad" I just had no control. I needed help to manage it. Please get her that help early - it's taken me a lifetime to manage my anger, I'm still hot headed although the worst of it passed after puberty

I can't believe some of the responses you are getting on this thread OP. You have done nothing wrong, and for those saying an almost 12 year old is "still little" and should need prompting to give her DM a gift which had already been bought and which she had already been reminded about - words fail me.

Your DD does seem to have some sort of issue, and I have no words of advice, I just wanted to let you know that the majority of us are on your side and please don't feel that you did anything wrong, either in the initial comment or in your response. There is no excuse whatsoever for your DD's actions.

@Amici

Yep grew up on council estates till I went to foster care. Loads of us got a good hiding pretty regular. Loads of us also ended up in juvenile court/adult prison.

Good to know you haven’t actually studied psychology though. What you mean is you’ve sat and decided hitting people would cure sociopathy with absolutely no academic study.

You're putting your own spin on it. I'm assuming you're thinking it takes a full adult hit when it's nothing near. That's you putting your wrong end of the stick on to me. See if a woman hits a man, do you expect the man to just take it? He's full entitled to restrain her within the right means without going overboard and hurting her. Same thing. And again, your idea of abuse is totally different to mine. The law was brought in to stop abuse because some parents were taking it way too far. If you haven't experienced it, then you won't understand it. Is it abuse to take a child's computer from them? Surely that's their belonging and no one has a right to touch it! Your definition of abuse isn't the same as other so it's abit odd that you're claiming abuse without any context.

You sound like a violent thug with limited power of comprehension. It seems like you have little to no understanding of basic human behaviour and are just itching to justify giving kids a sharp shock/good hiding etc etc.

You can get some help for domestic abuse from Women’s Aid
Abuse from children is still stigmatised but support is there if you can bring yourself to ask for it
It can help you understand patterns of abuse and boundaries etc

I simply can’t comprehend the victim-shaming here. I was fully-grown at eleven. This girl is obviously strong, and her behaviour is entirely unacceptable. Not just for the mother but her brother also. She is not simply aggressive, she is violent. I would be asking my GP for an urgent referral @reallyupset11yodd. If not, you may very well find yourself being referred to SS, other because your DS is injured or your neighbours hear the noise of these outbursts. She needs counselling and she needs VERY firm boundaries and consequences.

@Pumperthepumper

No, I don’t think it’s an expected response. I think the OP shouldn’t have backed their reactive 11 year old into a corner.

She’s not a German Shepherd.

@Pumperthepumper you missed out the bit where she chased her sibling and hurt them.

Maybe the way she reminded her kids about Mother’s Day was a bit high pressure but the daughter trying to keep the mothers day chocolate to herself is both deceitful and short sighted. At 12 she should have a better idea of action and consequence eg dad knows the chocolates exist so at some point mum will know.

I don’t think op needs to be treading on eggshells around her children in her own home.

It’s clear DD needs some sort of extra support for behaviour

@roseyfelldown

I recognise this family dynamic. Some of you won't. But I do. Red flags everywhere. Family scapegoating. Guilt tripping. Emotional blackmail.

I'm going to get into trouble for saying this but something's off here.
"I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day"
No, you are at home with your family, your own children, on Sunday.

You could have gently dropped a hint about the card/gifts, showed some humour and patience, but you made it about you, you were hurt.

9 yo and 2 yo apologising?
Ds telling Dd what to do?

Your kids have already learned they are on their own, not a family unit.
Have you considered why none of them thought about you on mothers day?
Listing what items she has to show she is from a good home?
This child behaved very badly and she needs to learn to stop this. For her sake. But she isn't the only one in this family with a problem.

I can guarantee you and your daughter won't be in contact by the time she is 20, and none of your children will speak to each other as adults.
Sorry to be so harsh.

That is a hell of a proclamation to make.

It is also pretty lousy to spout this at a woman who feels really down about an extraordinary situation.

In truth you have no idea what went on.

It seems by your post that you have history that you are surper imposing on this situation.

There are many hair raising statements on this thread but this horribly cruel.

@roseyfelldown

I recognise this family dynamic. Some of you won't. But I do. Red flags everywhere. Family scapegoating. Guilt tripping. Emotional blackmail.

I'm going to get into trouble for saying this but something's off here.
"I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day"
No, you are at home with your family, your own children, on Sunday.

You could have gently dropped a hint about the card/gifts, showed some humour and patience, but you made it about you, you were hurt.

9 yo and 2 yo apologising?
Ds telling Dd what to do?

Your kids have already learned they are on their own, not a family unit.
Have you considered why none of them thought about you on mothers day?
Listing what items she has to show she is from a good home?
This child behaved very badly and she needs to learn to stop this. For her sake. But she isn't the only one in this family with a problem.

I can guarantee you and your daughter won't be in contact by the time she is 20, and none of your children will speak to each other as adults.
Sorry to be so harsh.

Totally agree. Op’s posts contained so many red flags for me. Clearly a very unhealthy dynamic. I can’t believe people are talking about going to the police, that we’re victim shaming for pointing out something that, for people with experience of this kind of emotionally damaging dynamic, is so obvious to read.

I notice you say your daughter lacks empathy. Is this someone you point out to her a lot? Empathy exists on a spectrum and people are just naturally less empathetic than others, what may occur naturally to you in interpersonal relationships, may not to your daughter. Having less empathy isn’t necessarily wrong, and trying to teach her by constantly pointing out how far she falls short of your expectations is only going to backfire tbh. She’s going to feel got at and attacked, especially when a sibling who she likely already feels negatively compared to decides to stick the boot in too.

Your daughter is growing into an individual in her own right, instead of focusing on how you think she’s not what she ‘should’ be, treat her for who she is. Appreciate and praise the positives of her character, and hold off on the guilt trips when she falls short in minor ways. You can prompt her to remember things like Mother’s Day presents without making her feel attacked. There are better ways to encourage the behaviour you want to see.

The violence is not acceptable, however. She’s experiencing ‘big’ emotions she clearly can’t handle well. Going forward she absolutely needs help in managing her emotional reactions, but I also think you need to reassess how you approach her.

@orangeisthenewpuce

This isn't your fault OP. Don't let anyone on here tell you it is. Her behaviour is absolutely atrocious. An 11 year old is old enough to remember it's Mother's Day and to give you a card a present that have been left for them. You had every right to mention it. There is no excuse for what she did to you. Keep away from her and let her father speak to her in the morning. Her lack of empathy is a worry. Another poster said this behaviour needs nipped in the bud now and they are right. It will get worse if you don't sort it out. Do not return anything you've removed from her tomorrow.

Definitely agree.

Not your fault

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would get some professional help as that has definitely gone too far.

@turbonerd

This may not be agreed upon widely, but should anything similar happen again I would yell loudly and angrily to make a point that this IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. I might even push back to assert dominance. Then I would let her calm down and talk to her calmly afterwards. Note: I would not actually be angry, so would need to plan this in advance.

Had to do this with two rowdy boys, it was imperative to Get it in hand before they hit puberty and got taller and stronger than me.
Always «attack» the behaviour, not the child.

WTH!!!