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Parenting

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Original poster

Daughter and step daughter hate eachother!!

169 replies

danco · 25/02/2022 16:35

Me and my OH both have 7 year old daughters from previous relationships, we have been together for over 2 years now, have a house together and a new baby together. But our older girls will just not get along!!! The can play nicely but it never lasts long, often ends up with my OHs daughter going home upset to her mum over something my child has said/done which causes my OH getting it in the ear. But his daughter is by no means an angel, it’s her way or no way, she has to go first at everything or she doesn’t want to play anymore, she has to choose the games, won’t entertain anything my daughter suggests, we always encourage taking it in turns etc but then she gets upset that she doesn’t want to play so daddy says it’s okay she doesn’t have too. My daughter is now obviously picking up on these little things and is becoming frustrated, she thinks it isn’t fair and I agree! We try and take them
Out every weekend so they aren’t cooped up in the house but even that doesn’t stop the arguing. They have bunk beds, through the week my daughter always sleeps on the bottom, when OHs daughter comes she has to sleep on the bottom or will kick up a fuss and will make her dad sleep down stairs with her on the sofa. I even had a chat with my daughter about just letting her go first etc just to keep the peace as I want her to feel comfortable when she’s here but now I think that was the wrong thing to do. I have tried speaking to my OH but he doesn’t seem to care. I know there are more important things going in the world but it’s really getting to the point I’m dreading the weekends when both of our girls are here when actually it’s a time I should be looking forward too! Any advice welcome

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 25/02/2022 16:45

You had a baby very quickly into a new relationship. If you've been together 2 years these girls were 5 very young to begin with then you got pregnant in quick succession so in 2 years they been blended and had a new sibling added into the mix. I'd be concerned if I was mum to the other little girl she's had a massive upheaval another girl the same age gets to live full time with her dad and she had to adjust to another half sibling. Unfortunately things can be challenging at the best of times when blending more so when it happens in quick succession new house followed by a new sibling. Does this little girl see her father at all independently of you all?

UserError012345 · 25/02/2022 16:47

Yeah agree with PP, it's all moved too quick.

Bananarama21 · 25/02/2022 16:51

Also in such a small amount of time it's fair to say she may feel like an outsider, she comes and stay in your dd bedroom, she doesn't like being on the top bunk. She is reacting to the situation she's likely overwhelmed and feeling slightly insecure with her place within the family, I also suspect your dd has been unkind to her hence why she's telling her mother she's unhappy.

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CaroleFuckingBaskin · 25/02/2022 16:56

Does your 7 year old go to her dad's at all? If so could you swap the weekends so they have to soend less time together and your step daughter can have quality time with her dad in your house? Or even let him take her out on his own?

negomi90 · 25/02/2022 16:57

The thing is there are very nice people who don't like each other. Its ok to dislike someone even if they are perfectly nice. Just because you and your DH like each other, doesn't stop personality clashes between your children. It doesn't mean one is bad and one isn't, it just mean they don't get along.
Your DSD has no space of her own, she knows that the other girl the same age (your DD) is in her space when she's not there, using anything that can be hers and most importantly using her daddy who she now also has to share with a new baby. She's going to be territorial.
Like wise your DD has the space most of the time, its her space, and DSD is using her things, taking her bed, taking attention away from her.
Its all completely normal and neither girl is doing wrong, you need to help them be nice to each other. You need to give DSD a special box with a lock so she can put some stuff which is just hers and no one elses and won't be touched when she's not there and also ensure that she gets 1:1 time with her dad.
And be patient. And accept that sometimes people don't like each other. Its easier as an adult, you can split up, move jobs, just avoid the person you don't like. These girls don't get a choice and that's far tougher.

BellatrixOnABadDay · 25/02/2022 16:58

These girls don't get a choice and that's far tougher.

This. And they've got parents who prioritised their new relationship over taking things at a more sensible pace for the sake of their existing children.

CaroleFuckingBaskin · 25/02/2022 16:59

@BellatrixOnABadDay
Absolutely

TrendingNowt · 25/02/2022 17:02

This moved way too quickly, no wonder they are struggling! Poor kids. They're both tiny children still.
Short of going back in time, I think the only thing you can do now is give them time, love and understanding.
I'd get bunk shelves/ caddys, have them both pick out their own wall light, perhaps some canvases or their own art and make each bunk theirs. No swapping bunks.

Bananarama21 · 25/02/2022 17:02

but it never lasts long, often ends up with my OHs daughter going home upset to her mum over something my child has said/done which causes my OH getting it in the ear. But his daughter is by no means an angel, it’s her way or no way

Please becareful with this your dd could actually be very nasty towards his dd, my own sibling as sly and would be awful behind my parents backs they had no idea, a child shouldn't be going home upset from their fathers house and I'd be furious if it was my child the dm had very right to speak to your do about this. I would split them up they been forced together and its not fair on either. Swap contact days so your dd says her df and so his dd can see her df or at the least he makes time away from everyone to spend with her.

LocalHobo · 25/02/2022 17:02

@CaroleFuckingBaskin

Your DSD also probably feels that your baby is more of a sibling to your DD than she is. I agree with allowing DSD to spend quality time with her DF and her new half sibling with your DD out of the picture for a while.

AndAsIfByMagic · 25/02/2022 17:09

Your poor DD should not have to take second place to DSD. If DSD sulks because she can't go fist just let her. She sounds quite unpleasant and won't get any better while she's allowed to dictate how things go.

Prioritise your D as your DP has prioritised his - protect her and make sure she isn't pushed out by a moody DSD.

Give DSD time alone with her dad, encourage them to spend time together but don't let her be bossed about by DSD or your partner.

Confusedteacher · 25/02/2022 17:09

The idea of giving DSD a special box or somewhere to keep her things is a good idea… if the bunk beds aren’t working out is there a way of partitioning the room so they each have their own separate area?

I would say rather than trying to force them to do things together your DP should be finding the time to do things with DSD on her own when she’s there. She probably feels a bit pushed out.

Perhaps instead of games you could encourage different types of shared activities that aren’t competitive eg cooking, decorating their room together, crafty stuff.

It may get easier- our youngest DDs are less than a year apart and share a room. When we first moved in together there was a period of adjustment where they seemed to rub each other up the wrong way. They are thick as thieves now! DD always felt that we took DSD’s side, and didn’t like her coming into ‘her’ room and messing it up. I remember having to explain to my DD several times that it is not DSD’s fault that she has to share her bedroom, and it must be hard for her to come into DD’s bedroom. But we also explained to DSD that this room is DD’s ‘main’ bedroom (she doesn’t have a room at her dad’s) while DSD also has a room to herself at her mum’s. We have also always had a rule that DD can’t play with/ use DSD’s things when she is not here, and vice versa.

BellatrixOnABadDay · 25/02/2022 17:13

She sounds quite unpleasant and won't get any better while she's allowed to dictate how things go.

She's a small child who is probably struggling with the upheaval, of feeling like she's not really a priority with her dad now, who has quite happily (and far too quickly) moved on with his new family. She sees that OP's daughter spends more time with her dad than she does. How might that feel for her, do you think?

Far more unpleasant that some parents can't fully consider the repercussions of their choices on their children.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/02/2022 17:13

Too much, too soon, so it's no wonder it's gone tits up. His daughter probably feels like a total outsider.

Quartz2208 · 25/02/2022 17:17

What have you actually done though to address any of these issues. You seem to not realise that within 2 years her world has turned upside down and you have no understanding of how either girl may feel.

FrippEnos · 25/02/2022 17:18

I'm not surprised that they don't get on.
One loses her space eow
One has to try and make a space eow
and they both have to cope with a new sibling.

Mrsjayy · 25/02/2022 17:20

I's there room/money for new beds or even a nice sofa bed that's just Sd it might be a start poor kid is coming to see her dad and she has to put up with a bed she doesn't want

GrazingSheep · 25/02/2022 17:21

Poor kids. Yet again having to deal with the choices made by their parents.

Faevern · 25/02/2022 17:25

Imagine being 5 year old and your daddy leaves and then he has another baby and then another girl the same age as you gets to live with your daddy and his new baby? And then you have to go to their house and play nice.

Fuck that.

Who would do that to a child?

BellatrixOnABadDay · 25/02/2022 17:28

@Faevern

Fuck that.

Who would do that to a child?

Exactly!

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 25/02/2022 17:30

@Faevern

Fuck that.

Who would do that to a child?

What a constructive reply

Replies like this are fucking stupid. It has already happened, what do you suggest op does? Give the baby away, move out and pretend none of it ever happened?

Op I would stop trying to force their relationship. I would give them more space if possible, maybe spend time separately if you can, you and your daughter your partner and his. I wouldn't be swapping beds every weekend though it's clearly causing issues. If poss they need their own beds really. Just try and minimise any issues. You and your partner need to be a united front.

It may have been quick but there is nothing you do about that, so ignore these really ignorant and unhelpful comments. Focus on what you CAN do.

Jestal · 25/02/2022 17:30

The poor steo child. This whole setyp had disaster written on it. Shame on you two adults. Its your responsibility to look out for them and their best interest

Enko · 25/02/2022 17:30

OP try posting on the stepparenting board

whenthedoveslie · 25/02/2022 17:32

Blame yourself.

This is an awful situation for an innocent 5 year old.

Far too many of these posts where folk go on to have kids while little ones are involved yet left without a thought but are expected to adapt.

Step up OP and be decent.

Bananarama21 · 25/02/2022 17:33

Enko
Tbh she would get the same replies, blending should be taken with care and consideration of the existing children many causes of problems are because they have been rushed. Many step parents can tell you that from their own experiences of blending.

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