Daughter and step daughter hate eachother!!

[danco]

Me and my OH both have 7 year old daughters from previous relationships, we have been together for over 2 years now, have a house together and a new baby together. But our older girls will just not get along!!! The can play nicely but it never lasts long, often ends up with my OHs daughter going home upset to her mum over something my child has said/done which causes my OH getting it in the ear. But his daughter is by no means an angel, it’s her way or no way, she has to go first at everything or she doesn’t want to play anymore, she has to choose the games, won’t entertain anything my daughter suggests, we always encourage taking it in turns etc but then she gets upset that she doesn’t want to play so daddy says it’s okay she doesn’t have too. My daughter is now obviously picking up on these little things and is becoming frustrated, she thinks it isn’t fair and I agree! We try and take them
Out every weekend so they aren’t cooped up in the house but even that doesn’t stop the arguing. They have bunk beds, through the week my daughter always sleeps on the bottom, when OHs daughter comes she has to sleep on the bottom or will kick up a fuss and will make her dad sleep down stairs with her on the sofa. I even had a chat with my daughter about just letting her go first etc just to keep the peace as I want her to feel comfortable when she’s here but now I think that was the wrong thing to do. I have tried speaking to my OH but he doesn’t seem to care. I know there are more important things going in the world but it’s really getting to the point I’m dreading the weekends when both of our girls are here when actually it’s a time I should be looking forward too! Any advice welcome

@sadpapercourtesan

We've all explained repeatedly how it might help OP. You aren't listening.

Once more with feeling: You can't effectively address a problem, or solve it, without an understanding of its roots and how it came about. The girls' behaviour is reactive. It has causes. It won't improve unless the adults' response to it is underpinned by understanding.

I am in no way neglecting the fact that we are at fault due to how quickly our relationship moved, i fully own up to it however I can not go back in time. I'm seeking ways in which to move forward as a family and have noted down the helpful advice that I will try.

@sadpapercourtesan - the OP doesn't need to be repeatedly told about her choices - once was enough.

What the OP needs are some sensible suggestions to help improve the situation.

@Throwmealifejacket

Sorry *@havers* I’ve just realised I think we’re on a similar page.

I’m getting irritated by the judgers so going to step away for a minute.

No problem!

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

The evidence is that some have been deleted *@sadpapercourtesan* so clearly HQ agree with me.

Yes I'm sure by pointing out her "poor choices" youve solved all her problems. She asked for advice, instead of choosing to simply give that, you find it appropriate to point out all her "poor choices". She didn't ask what you thought of her choices, her set up, she asked for advice.

I gave several points of practical advice. I suggested permanent, separate beds so that both girls have their own space. Time alone for each girl with her own parent. Family therapy to help everyone understand their own place in the family, and to come to an understanding of each other's perspectives.

It won't be possible for OP and her partner to address the issues between the girls, if they won't face up to the fact that their own choices have set the children up to fail, however. It may be unpalatable, but that's parenting - you have to face up to your own failings and put your children first. Family therapy, if they did go for it, would entail a lot of this sort of tough self-reflection - it's brutal, but they would come out of it with a better understanding of why the girls are behaving as they are. Simply scapegoating one of these little girls and branding her an irretrievable bully solves nothing.

@sadpapercourtesan do you want to point out where op scapegoated the dsd and branded her an irretrievable bully?

I'm going to bet you can't, because she simply didn't say that.

My last comments were a reply to another poster, OP, not aimed at you.

I wish you and your girls all the best. I hope their relationship can be supported to improve, and your blended family is a happy one in the future.

[quote Getyourarseofffthequattro]@sadpapercourtesan do you want to point out where op scapegoated the dsd and branded her an irretrievable bully?

I'm going to bet you can't, because she simply didn't say that.[/quote]
I didn't say that she did

Another poster, however, did share her experience of dealing with a "difficult" stepdaughter, and her advice was that some children are just bullies and there's nothing to be done about it. I disagree.

Im also going to guess that a family therapist wouldn't address issues in the same way as a lot of anonymous women posting how op has "fucked up" nor would they use the words "poor children"

If they did, they'd be a very shit therapist indeed. Let's not pretend this is at all comparable to family therapy. Therapists don't aim to hurt people.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

The evidence is that some have been deleted *@sadpapercourtesan* so clearly HQ agree with me.

Yes I'm sure by pointing out her "poor choices" youve solved all her problems. She asked for advice, instead of choosing to simply give that, you find it appropriate to point out all her "poor choices". She didn't ask what you thought of her choices, her set up, she asked for advice.

I can only see one post that’s been deleted .

Plenty of posters have given advice, including the ones that voiced that they think the OPs choices haven’t helped the situation.

You heavily implied that she did @sadpapercourtesan. And other posters are allowed an opinion too. It's the beauty of an open forum you said ..

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Im also going to guess that a family therapist wouldn't address issues in the same way as a lot of anonymous women posting how op has "fucked up" nor would they use the words "poor children"

If they did, they'd be a very shit therapist indeed. Let's not pretend this is at all comparable to family therapy. Therapists don't aim to hurt people.

Family therapy is quite rough on parents, tbh. You are challenged with your own unhealthy choices and expected to face up to their impact on your children. Your children are also given space to speak freely, and they don't always say what you would like them to.

It's very helpful, especially in complex family set-ups like the OP's - but it's not an easy ride.

Yes @RosieGuacamosie they have, including me. Plenty haven't. What point are you trying to make?

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

You heavily implied that she did *@sadpapercourtesan*. And other posters are allowed an opinion too. It's the beauty of an open forum you said ..

No, I didn't. At all. I responded to another poster who had said that some children are just bullies.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Im also going to guess that a family therapist wouldn't address issues in the same way as a lot of anonymous women posting how op has "fucked up" nor would they use the words "poor children"

If they did, they'd be a very shit therapist indeed. Let's not pretend this is at all comparable to family therapy. Therapists don't aim to hurt people.

A therapist would almost CERTAINLY raise the fact that the speed of this relationship may have caused behavioural issues in a little girl. Yes they may have used more diplomatic language but I can practically guarantee that it would have been one of the main focus points around how the little girl is likely feeling displaced.

I'm sure it is @sadpapercourtesan but again, it's not comparable to this thread, is it? No.

@RosieGuacamosie yes I think we've established that.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Yes *@RosieGuacamosie* they have, including me. Plenty haven't. What point are you trying to make?

The point I’m trying to make is that you’re getting all up in arms about people being “nasty” and “posts being deleted” when literally one post has been deleted. It’s a bit silly to try and pull the “MNHQ agree” card when it has happened once.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I'm sure it is *@sadpapercourtesan* but again, it's not comparable to this thread, is it? No.

Nobody has said that it is.

More straw men on this thread than a scarecrow's convention.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Im also going to guess that a family therapist wouldn't address issues in the same way as a lot of anonymous women posting how op has "fucked up" nor would they use the words "poor children"

If they did, they'd be a very shit therapist indeed. Let's not pretend this is at all comparable to family therapy. Therapists don't aim to hurt people.

Bit hyperbolic, no?

From my POV I see so many threads on here where parents have not made their existing children their main priority and it's frustrating to say the least. I really feel for children who end up in situations that are difficult to manage that they have no control over.

Anyway I think OP's latest post shows a good deal of humility and the ability to take on board some forthright comments. I wish her all the best and I think that if handled well from here on in (and there has been some good constructive advice, including from @sadpapercourtesan) hopefully things will improve for their family.

@sadpapercourtesan it's been said that a family therapist would bring it up, as if that makes it okay...

How it that hyperbolic @BellatrixOnABadDay?

It used to really annoy me as a kid that adults expected me to get on with other kids JUST because they were the same age as me. As if personality, temperament, likes and dislikes don't matter!

So I am going to ask you- why should these two unrelated girls get on?

such Judgement-and condemnation.
Absolutely horrible-and as much help as none at all.
praps dad and dd could do 1/1 for some of the time. Not to exclude y'all.but give his dd time together..might help?

Whilst there may be some issues with blending don't forget that many siblings argue and bicker and don't get on.

Keep on doing things altogether and let OH have some 1 to 1 time. They don't actually have to be friends but at some point I am sure they will rub along with any luck if she feels included.

OP this sounds really hard. My DD was the DSD in a very similar situation with step sibs (including one the same age) and new children - all happened very very fast at a young age. I remember 7 being a rough age with her step half sibs. Kids are starting to think about their world in context at that age, but it's the beginning of concrete / logical thought and sometimes that's a scary time. There's been a lot of change for both girls to be sure. I think your DSD is realizing that her 'place' in the family is different to your DD's. She is realizing your DD lives with her Daddy and the baby - she visits and has to slot into your world. Your DD 'has'' and she ''has not'' in very basic terms. A child of this age is possessive, often struggles with lots of change. It's a child's behavior we have to pay attention to as it tells us the things they can't put into words. What you describe sounds like a natural reaction if you ask me at this age, she's working through it all and realizing she's not the same as your DD and she's likely jealous. Her behavior is telling you how she feels. This however is also hard for your DD, who is experiencing her world being disrupted every time DSD visits - she too has experienced a lot of change and is still very young. Both girls have a challenging situation, just opposing challenges (hence the conflict between them). Both will naturally see it through their own lens as will each parent.

Others have given you some great practical advice around creating individual space, building in lots of 1-2-1 time with her Dad (the more the better). Your DSD won't feel threatened so much if she isn't competing for his time while at yours. This is really the most important thing. That said, the worst thing (I think) you can do is try and force the relationship. You and your DP love each other, but your children don't have to love each other. They may never be like ''siblings'', and that has to be ok.. they do however need to learn to co-exist. All I'd add is to say you can see this as an opportunity to teach about family, caring for one another, empathy, support & getting along. Each girl must be allowed to feel as they feel, and for that to be acknowledge but they can also be encouraged to be solution focused.. parents often leap in to resolve things and I've always thought this pits parties against each other.. I know I found it intolerable to have DD coming home crying, lamenting how her step sib did this / did that or the baby this / the baby that etc.. but rather than complain to ex about it I saw it as an opportunity to talk to DD about ways to collaborate with her step sibs towards a way that could work for both of them. Kids have to learn to get along with people they wouldn't necessarily choose to be around.

Blending families is really hard to do, for everyone (adults, existing & new children), so having flexible expectations around what the relationships in the family will look like, especially between step sibs, can be helpful. Each member may experience the step family differently...

I hope it works out for you.