Daughter and step daughter hate eachother!!

[danco]

Me and my OH both have 7 year old daughters from previous relationships, we have been together for over 2 years now, have a house together and a new baby together. But our older girls will just not get along!!! The can play nicely but it never lasts long, often ends up with my OHs daughter going home upset to her mum over something my child has said/done which causes my OH getting it in the ear. But his daughter is by no means an angel, it’s her way or no way, she has to go first at everything or she doesn’t want to play anymore, she has to choose the games, won’t entertain anything my daughter suggests, we always encourage taking it in turns etc but then she gets upset that she doesn’t want to play so daddy says it’s okay she doesn’t have too. My daughter is now obviously picking up on these little things and is becoming frustrated, she thinks it isn’t fair and I agree! We try and take them
Out every weekend so they aren’t cooped up in the house but even that doesn’t stop the arguing. They have bunk beds, through the week my daughter always sleeps on the bottom, when OHs daughter comes she has to sleep on the bottom or will kick up a fuss and will make her dad sleep down stairs with her on the sofa. I even had a chat with my daughter about just letting her go first etc just to keep the peace as I want her to feel comfortable when she’s here but now I think that was the wrong thing to do. I have tried speaking to my OH but he doesn’t seem to care. I know there are more important things going in the world but it’s really getting to the point I’m dreading the weekends when both of our girls are here when actually it’s a time I should be looking forward too! Any advice welcome

Definitely recommend swapping the weekends so they’re not together, could actually be much nicer for everyone and in a few years they might want to try same weekends again.

Does your own dd like your dp? How is he with her? And the baby?

@Bananarama21

Enko Tbh she would get the same replies, blending should be taken with care and consideration of the existing children many causes of problems are because they have been rushed. Many step parents can tell you that from their own experiences of blending.

She wouldn't get the same useless stupid replies as if she's got a fucking tardis and can go back in time. She would get constructive helpful advice from most, unfortunately a few horrid posters frequent that board, though.

@whenthedoveslie

Blame yourself.

This is an awful situation for an innocent 5 year old.

Far too many of these posts where folk go on to have kids while little ones are involved yet left without a thought but are expected to adapt.

Step up OP and be decent.

Step up how? Have you got any constructive advice or have you simply come here to be horrible to strangers on the internet?

Well I won't chime in with everyone else saying that you've managed this very badly. That's done.

Moving forward, you could:
Do the eow alternating so the girls don't see one another much
Make sure you spend time with your children alone - so your boyfriend with his daughter; you with yours. WITHOUT the baby.

You need to love bomb the pair of them basically and then reintroduce them to one another once they feel secure in their bond with their respective parent.

It's not difficult to see why a child make react to the situation given the upheaval of the last 2 years especially as we have been in lockdown during that time which in itself has had a massive effect on children development and emotionally. Understanding why her dsd reacting that way may give her better understanding on how to deal with things.

Your OH should spend time 1 on 1 with his DD, maybe that will help repair the relationship.

Of course they hate each other, they've pretty much been set up as rivals from the outset, haven't they? The whole scenario has been very clumsily managed. The bunk beds, for example - it's almost like you've deliberately set up a flashpoint there! If neither of them likes a top bunk, then you can't have bunk beds. If there isn't room for separate beds, then you don't have the space for this family set-up . Each girl needs her own bed, not to be shunted around.

The girls are the same age, which is already difficult for them both. In adoption and fostering, this is called "twinning", and is avoided because it's a recipe for disaster. Neither of you is putting yourself in DSD's shoes and trying to understand how it feels for her to have another little girl spend more time with her father than she does. If you are determined to make this "blended family" work, then I think you should consider family therapy with both the girls. Ideally you would have thought all of this through and got the girls settled properly before you brought another baby into it, but that can't be helped now.

Don't allow DSD to become the scapegoat here. It isn't her fault.

sadpapercourtesan

Really good advice.

Op I would stop trying to force their relationship. I would give them more space if possible, maybe spend time separately if you can, you and your daughter your partner and his.

Agree with this.

I am guessing there is no choice re the bunk beds in terms of space - although I'm surprised they both want the bottom...the top is the one surely?!!! Maybe try and lure your daughter into recognising the value of the top bunk :)

I'd just do what you (both, including DP) can to keep them a bit separate. Don't leave them to play together alone, instead do things as a family or do things separately with one of them.

It's fine if they don't get on, not everyone does, but it just needs some management if it's causing dramas.

Tbh though I would say at 7 that I don't think SD should be able to regularly demand to go home to her mum if something your DD does upsets her...your DP should be dealing with that and going back to her mum shouldn't be an option when it's his time with her.

@sadpapercourtesan really good advice.

The thing with blending families is that the parents meet each other, like each other, want to be together and then just assume that the kids will, or should, fit into their plans and if they don’t and don’t get on, which is perfectly human behaviour, then it’s the kids who get the blame.

My DS absolutely didn’t get on with his dad’s dp’s dd and they bickered and argued constantly. My eXH was constantly sniping at him because they were arguing, taking her side, and then added to all that they had a baby.

And my mil said to him “so, you want them to behave like siblings, and then when they do and bicker like siblings, you’re not happy about it.”

And my DS hasn’t stayed there now for 5 years and is much happier.

And the DD has a relationship with the new sibling and he has none. And all because the parents seemed to think that because they wanted to be together, the kids would just slot in.

What’s done is done and you’ve all moved on and what not. But you might need to just accept that these kids don’t like each other and never will. It’s not compulsory. No doubt if they were at school together they wouldn’t be friends, so why should they be friends just because their parents have decided to set up home together.

Far too many people give 0 consideration to their kids when entering into new relationships and bringing yet more kids into it.

Make sure you spend time with your children alone - so your boyfriend with his daughter; you with yours. WITHOUT the baby.

?

Where does the baby go then?

You need to look at it from the point of view of your DSD. Basically she's been replaced - twice! Your DDs get to see her dad more than she does and, in her eyes, that isn't fair.

I agree that she needs quality time alone with her father, plus she needs her own space - so, her own bed that is hers alone and not one she's basically borrowing from your DD. Is there a way to better split the room so there is more private space? Where does the baby sleep (or will when they are older)?

I do think a lot is down to jealousy and feeling pushed out.

I can see why dsd can be frustrating and others have identified why...

But please to thinknof your DD in all of this. She is being made to give up her bed, her space, her independence in any decision for a kid who dispises her and makes it known. Don't make your kid the scapegoat in her own home.

Either stick up for her and make dsd sleep elsewhere/ play a game of dds choosing etc or you will need to sell the house and separate. She didn't ask to be third rank - as clearly a baby's needs will come first.

NoCauseRebel

That's heartbreaking for your son being used as the scapegoat I hope he's OK.

Before you do anything else I think it would be really helpful for you (and your DP) to each take some time to imagine yourself in your DD and DSD’s positions. Try to think about things from their point of view.

In 2 years your DSD has gone from whatever the visitation situation was with her father before he met you to seeing him in a home he lives in with a new partner, another girl the same age who gets to see DSD’s father all the time and a new baby sibling she hardly sees but the other girl sees all the time. She has no room there and nothing that’s ‘hers’ - even a bed.

Your DD has gone from whatever her living situation was with you two years ago to having a man living in her home full time as a stepdad, another girl her own age visiting who is jealous and uncomfortable being there who she has to share her bedroom and her things with and a new baby sibling who takes up lots of her mother’s time and attention.

No one is saying you had to stay single for life or that your DD doesn’t love her new sibling or that you can magic up an extra bedroom for your DSD. That doesn’t mean that you don’t also have two little girls who have been through an awful lot of change in a short period of time and who will have all sorts of feelings roiling around inside them. Even nuclear families have resentments and jealousy between siblings. It won’t help any of you to ignore it.

Your DSD will need some permanent space in your home, even if it’s the box you mentioned, and time alone with her father and possibly her father and new sibling. Your DD will need time alone with you. They need their own sleeping areas rather than fighting over one bed, so if that means your DSD is in the living room for the foreseeable future so be it. Pushing them together at the moment will cause more problems than it solves.

Far too many people give 0 consideration to their kids when entering into new relationships and bringing yet more kids into it.

This. Hence the responses on this thread- I can't understand why parents don't prioritise their children.

Guys that's not play the victim game it's likely they both faults on both sides I don't necessarily think either child is to blame but I think they are likely as bad as each other they are only 7.

Sounds like sisters

@BellatrixOnABadDay

Far too many people give 0 consideration to their kids when entering into new relationships and bringing yet more kids into it.

This. Hence the responses on this thread- I can't understand why parents don't prioritise their children.

Yeah but in fairness it's already done.

What OP needs now is constructive advice as to how to improve it for both girls, not poster after poster telling her that she and DP were wrong to move so quickly. It doesn't help.

True @GlitteryGreen .

Just depressing to see thread after thread in a similar vein, that's all. I think sadpapercourtesan gave good advice anyway.

@Faevern

Imagine being 5 year old and your daddy leaves and then he has another baby and then another girl the same age as you gets to live with your daddy and his new baby? And then you have to go to their house and play nice.

Fuck that.

Who would do that to a child?

^ This. Poor kid.

@BellatrixOnABadDay

True *@GlitteryGreen* .

Just depressing to see thread after thread in a similar vein, that's all. I think sadpapercourtesan gave good advice anyway.

Me too, and was interested to read that it could actually be worse due to them being the same age!

Poor kids, so much change so quick. I think you need to make sure your dsd gets one on one time with her dad. She probably doesn’t feel like it’s her home, that it’s your dd’s. Must be hard for her.