Daughter and step daughter hate eachother!!

[danco]

Me and my OH both have 7 year old daughters from previous relationships, we have been together for over 2 years now, have a house together and a new baby together. But our older girls will just not get along!!! The can play nicely but it never lasts long, often ends up with my OHs daughter going home upset to her mum over something my child has said/done which causes my OH getting it in the ear. But his daughter is by no means an angel, it’s her way or no way, she has to go first at everything or she doesn’t want to play anymore, she has to choose the games, won’t entertain anything my daughter suggests, we always encourage taking it in turns etc but then she gets upset that she doesn’t want to play so daddy says it’s okay she doesn’t have too. My daughter is now obviously picking up on these little things and is becoming frustrated, she thinks it isn’t fair and I agree! We try and take them
Out every weekend so they aren’t cooped up in the house but even that doesn’t stop the arguing. They have bunk beds, through the week my daughter always sleeps on the bottom, when OHs daughter comes she has to sleep on the bottom or will kick up a fuss and will make her dad sleep down stairs with her on the sofa. I even had a chat with my daughter about just letting her go first etc just to keep the peace as I want her to feel comfortable when she’s here but now I think that was the wrong thing to do. I have tried speaking to my OH but he doesn’t seem to care. I know there are more important things going in the world but it’s really getting to the point I’m dreading the weekends when both of our girls are here when actually it’s a time I should be looking forward too! Any advice welcome

I agree Rosie and sadpaper

@Throwmealifejacket

I’m sure OP is now aware, can we move onto some helpful advice now?

Is she? Because her second post seemed to just be defending the situation on the basis she’d known her partner for a long time beforehand and that he had 1 on 1 time with his daughter? I think the situation needs to be acknowledged so this little girls behaviour can be put into context.

Anyway, I’ll repeat my previous advice that I think your step daughter needs her own room or at least her own space if possible so she feels like she has a permanent place in her dad’s home.

@Throwmealifejacket

I’m sure OP is now aware, can we move onto some helpful advice now?

There has been quite a lot of constructive practical advice. It's a pity it has been obscured by posters kicking off and thread policing because they don't like OP's choices being criticised.

Poor little girls.

I cannot understand the desperate need to add another child so quickly to this situation.

Might have been better to concentrate on the kids you both already have.

I’m a step mum with a SD who has bullied those around her, her family, her friends, and me for years. Her parents have refused to see what she does. I’ve tried posting on here under different user names and nearly always got vile and unhelpful comments from women who couldn’t speak from a SM perspective. The girl nearly drove me to suicide. I have made steps to distance from her now she’s an adult and I see her very infrequently.
I wish I had the benefit of hindsight that some on MN seem to hold. I’d have stepped away at the very beginning. She was never going to like me regardless of what I did. Her father was never going to support me. Her brother is a different story altogether.
He is lovely and we get in great. Both were brought up together.
Sometimes it’s a girl thing.
OP’has a baby so it’s a different situation. But a child who’s a bully will always be a bully unless her parents do something about it.

@christmaskittenincoming Another helpful comment to add to the Judgy party.

@danco If they wanted the bunk beds surely one of them initially wanted to go on the top?

Whoever that was should have to sleep on the top rather than all this swapping and drama.

@christmaskittenincoming

Poor little girls.

I cannot understand the desperate need to add another child so quickly to this situation.

Might have been better to concentrate on the kids you both already have.

Do you have anything helpful to suggest - or did you just want to stick the boot in?

@Havers have a read of my posts before sticking the boot in!

@christmaskittenincoming wow! Just wow listen to yourself.

Throwmealifejacket I'm sorry for your own experiences but I think they have clouded your judgement here. This is a little girl who is7, it's likely both girls are battling against each other. I imagination both have said quickly nasty things to each but the point is the parents need to address what is causing the anomcity and find a solution if that's therapy then go to therapy.

Sorry @havers I’ve just realised I think we’re on a similar page.

I’m getting irritated by the judgers so going to step away for a minute.

@Throwmealifejacket 🤣

Op regardless if you known your dp a long time it isn't comparable to being a relationship snd merging families and having a baby. I think this is why your having the problems your experiencing. It seems to stem from alot jealously and rivalry on the girls part.

[quote Throwmealifejacket]@Havers have a read of my posts before sticking the boot in!

@christmaskittenincoming wow! Just wow listen to yourself.[/quote]
Not sure I understand - I wasn't replying to you.

@Throwmealifejacket

I’m a step mum with a SD who has bullied those around her, her family, her friends, and me for years. Her parents have refused to see what she does. I’ve tried posting on here under different user names and nearly always got vile and unhelpful comments from women who couldn’t speak from a SM perspective. The girl nearly drove me to suicide. I have made steps to distance from her now she’s an adult and I see her very infrequently. I wish I had the benefit of hindsight that some on MN seem to hold. I’d have stepped away at the very beginning. She was never going to like me regardless of what I did. Her father was never going to support me. Her brother is a different story altogether. He is lovely and we get in great. Both were brought up together. Sometimes it’s a girl thing. OP’has a baby so it’s a different situation. But a child who’s a bully will always be a bully unless her parents do something about it.

That's where you're coming from, and that's fine. Your advice is valid, and gets added to everyone else's - that's the point of posting for varied advice on a public forum.

We don't know that OP's DSD is just a bully, though. There's no evidence for that. She's a 7yo child who has been through a huge amount of upset and upheaval, so surely you can see why other posters are NOT assuming she's just a toxic personality and there's no future in trying to solve the problems?

You are just as limited by your own experiences as the rest of us. Which is why we all need to be allowed to post as we see fit, without trying to silence one another.

Yes how awful of me @sadpapercourtesan having to point out to grown arse women that deliberately being unkind on the internet isn't very helpful! Criticism and outright vile comments are two different things.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Yes how awful of me *@sadpapercourtesan* having to point out to grown arse women that deliberately being unkind on the internet isn't very helpful! Criticism and outright vile comments are two different things.

Where are the 'outright vile comments'?

If you disagree with them, they must be vile?

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Yes how awful of me *@sadpapercourtesan* having to point out to grown arse women that deliberately being unkind on the internet isn't very helpful! Criticism and outright vile comments are two different things.

I don't think people are being deliberately unkind though (although you yourself have been quite rude, and personally insulting, towards me).

People are contributing as they see fit. As you are. That's the beauty of an open forum - you get a cross-section of opinions and responses, and advice from people from different backgrounds and perpectives. OP knew that when she posted. She doesn't need you filtering the responses.

[quote RosieGuacamosie]@Getyourarseofffthequattro yes I do because sometimes people need to realise they have fucked up?

The tone of the OP very much paints her partners daughter as a difficult child and I think the OP needs to realise that the circumstances have likely played a large part in this and therefore she may need to cut more slack than normal whilst she adjusts to the new family set up![/quote]
I'm sure all these nasty comments will make the situation so much better.

Clearly op knows it's not all sunshine and rainbows or she wouldn't be posting here.

I'm sure you telling op she's fucked up will magically solve all her problems and she'll live happily ever after. Or not.

Ah yes @sadpapercourtesan the beauty of Mumsnet. Women telling other women they have fucked up. There has been some deliberately nasty responses, let's not pretend there hasn't.

Sorry, that's the beauty of an open forum I can post as well. It's not just a free for all for all the horrible women with an axe to grind.

@BellatrixOnABadDay perhaps start with the ones that have been deleted. That perhaps signals they weren't very nice.

As usual, everyone has piled on with criticism....

Your husband needs to be explaining to his daughter that she can't always go first and always have her way.

She needs to be told that they will take it in turns to sleep on the bottom bunk.

This is all about consistency and being fair to BOTH GIRLS.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Ah yes *@sadpapercourtesan* the beauty of Mumsnet. Women telling other women they have fucked up. There has been some deliberately nasty responses, let's not pretend there hasn't.

Sorry, that's the beauty of an open forum I can post as well. It's not just a free for all for all the horrible women with an axe to grind.

Nobody has tried to stop you from posting, although we have taken issue with your accusations of spite/vileness (because they're not true, and there's no evidence for them).

We have explained repeatedly why pointing out that OP and her partner have made poor choices is both relevant and essential to approaching the difficulties the girls are facing. It's a valid and reasonable point to make, however much fuss you make over it.

The evidence is that some have been deleted @sadpapercourtesan so clearly HQ agree with me.

Yes I'm sure by pointing out her "poor choices" youve solved all her problems. She asked for advice, instead of choosing to simply give that, you find it appropriate to point out all her "poor choices". She didn't ask what you thought of her choices, her set up, she asked for advice.