Daughter and step daughter hate eachother!!

[danco]

Me and my OH both have 7 year old daughters from previous relationships, we have been together for over 2 years now, have a house together and a new baby together. But our older girls will just not get along!!! The can play nicely but it never lasts long, often ends up with my OHs daughter going home upset to her mum over something my child has said/done which causes my OH getting it in the ear. But his daughter is by no means an angel, it’s her way or no way, she has to go first at everything or she doesn’t want to play anymore, she has to choose the games, won’t entertain anything my daughter suggests, we always encourage taking it in turns etc but then she gets upset that she doesn’t want to play so daddy says it’s okay she doesn’t have too. My daughter is now obviously picking up on these little things and is becoming frustrated, she thinks it isn’t fair and I agree! We try and take them
Out every weekend so they aren’t cooped up in the house but even that doesn’t stop the arguing. They have bunk beds, through the week my daughter always sleeps on the bottom, when OHs daughter comes she has to sleep on the bottom or will kick up a fuss and will make her dad sleep down stairs with her on the sofa. I even had a chat with my daughter about just letting her go first etc just to keep the peace as I want her to feel comfortable when she’s here but now I think that was the wrong thing to do. I have tried speaking to my OH but he doesn’t seem to care. I know there are more important things going in the world but it’s really getting to the point I’m dreading the weekends when both of our girls are here when actually it’s a time I should be looking forward too! Any advice welcome

@AndAsIfByMagic

Your poor DD should not have to take second place to DSD. If DSD sulks because she can't go fist just let her. She sounds quite unpleasant and won't get any better while she's allowed to dictate how things go.

Prioritise your D as your DP has prioritised his - protect her and make sure she isn't pushed out by a moody DSD.

Give DSD time alone with her dad, encourage them to spend time together but don't let her be bossed about by DSD or your partner.

No she doesn't sound unpleasant. She sounds like a child with unmet needs.

God I wish adults would stop treating children like chattels to be slotted into their lives.

Have a little respect for these children who have zero power in what can only be a difficult situation.

@whenthedoveslie

Blame yourself.

This is an awful situation for an innocent 5 year old.

Far too many of these posts where folk go on to have kids while little ones are involved yet left without a thought but are expected to adapt.

Step up OP and be decent.

Blame is unhelpful.

Look for a way forward.

The children need to learn to identify their feelings and then articulate them. Next they can learn their triggers ie grow their emotional intelligence.

With patience and support, they will learn to speak up about their needs and drama can be prevented.

But you adult need to do a whole lot of listening.

@Faevern

Imagine being 5 year old and your daddy leaves and then he has another baby and then another girl the same age as you gets to live with your daddy and his new baby? And then you have to go to their house and play nice.

Fuck that.

Who would do that to a child?

This

I have tried speaking to my OH but he doesn’t seem to care

This is your biggest issue. If you can’t get him on side in trying to treat them both fairly you’re not going to get anywhere. What’s he like with your DD when his isn’t around? Is he very different with her depending on whether or not his is there? If so does she find that confusing? Is he pitching in with the baby when your SD is there?

You say they chose to share a room? It’s not working for either of them so do you have another room one could have instead? Have you got 4 bedrooms?

Have tensions increased since you had the baby?

Your relationship is the foundation for this family unit the two of you chose to create and add another child to. You’re not communicating well between and it’s essential you can improve that, now, so you can work through these issues. Calmly, kindly, respectfully, compassionately, proactively. You both decided to blend at this fast pace, to have another child together, to configure rooms this way. You both need to take responsibility for it and work as hard as you can to get things on a more even keel, together.

Me and my OH knew eachother for a long time before we got together, so did the kids

Even worse, surely this gives you some insight?

Sorry I contribute nothing? I've given the op advice @whenthedoveslie what exactly have you contributed to this except some weird vague comments which you refused to elaborate on?

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Sorry I contribute nothing? I've given the op advice *@whenthedoveslie* what exactly have you contributed to this except some weird vague comments which you refused to elaborate on?

My contribution has been a warning.

Think very carefully before having a child with someone who already has children. Think very carefully before having a child with someone if you already have children.

Clear enough?

In fact I am truly baffled by the amount of posts on here where the above features. Instead of being offended by my words, focus on the fucked up relationships that produce kids who had no choice or say in what they were born into.

That's really helpful on a thread asking for advice on a situation where the family is already blended @whenthedoveslie

Read the bloody room.

Perhaps she needs time just with her dad (or dad and half sibling) rather than everything being family time. They could go out or you could visit friends or family with your daughter.

My contribution has been a warning

A warning comes before something occurs. Not years after. 🙄

As a curveball way of helping the girls form a friendship: give them something to team up against you and your partner about. They need to feel like a strong duo. Is there something they'd both really like to do that you and your partner can pretend you're against? Something simple like ice-skating, horseriding, eating the biggest ice cream in kaspas etc etc? The more opportunities you give them to form an alliance the stronger their friendship will become

@frostedfruit

As a curveball way of helping the girls form a friendship: give them something to team up against you and your partner about. They need to feel like a strong duo. Is there something they'd both really like to do that you and your partner can pretend you're against? Something simple like ice-skating, horseriding, eating the biggest ice cream in kaspas etc etc? The more opportunities you give them to form an alliance the stronger their friendship will become

Yes this is such a good idea

I imagine there is probably a lot of jealousy on both sides, they are very young and probably confused about the situation.

Maybe chat to them both and come up with ideas for things that you could all do to help the situation. And be sure to point out any mutual interests and opportunities for fun that don't involve sharing attention or possessions - most 7 year olds like doing certain things like dancing, going to soft play, the park, being outside, swimming, cinema etc.

Way too much too fast for young childen.

Gosh I really despair of this site. I thought this was for advice (the reason I joined and am
now not going to bother with my post because it's so unhelpful and judgemental (mostly)).

Is there space for them to have their own bedrooms? If not, then moving to somewhere that does have space should be a priority

@SoupDragon

My contribution has been a warning

A warning comes before something occurs. Not years after. 🙄

It is an open forum. Many are reading.

I have learnt a lot from Mumsnet over the years by taking note of situations and heeding the advice, experience and warnings from others.

It would be rather daft of me to warn the OP not to do what she has done.

Yeah, @whenthedoveslie I'm sure people will make their life decisions based on one snarky comment on Mumsnet, made by someone completely inappropriately.