Daughter and step daughter hate eachother!!

[danco]

Me and my OH both have 7 year old daughters from previous relationships, we have been together for over 2 years now, have a house together and a new baby together. But our older girls will just not get along!!! The can play nicely but it never lasts long, often ends up with my OHs daughter going home upset to her mum over something my child has said/done which causes my OH getting it in the ear. But his daughter is by no means an angel, it’s her way or no way, she has to go first at everything or she doesn’t want to play anymore, she has to choose the games, won’t entertain anything my daughter suggests, we always encourage taking it in turns etc but then she gets upset that she doesn’t want to play so daddy says it’s okay she doesn’t have too. My daughter is now obviously picking up on these little things and is becoming frustrated, she thinks it isn’t fair and I agree! We try and take them
Out every weekend so they aren’t cooped up in the house but even that doesn’t stop the arguing. They have bunk beds, through the week my daughter always sleeps on the bottom, when OHs daughter comes she has to sleep on the bottom or will kick up a fuss and will make her dad sleep down stairs with her on the sofa. I even had a chat with my daughter about just letting her go first etc just to keep the peace as I want her to feel comfortable when she’s here but now I think that was the wrong thing to do. I have tried speaking to my OH but he doesn’t seem to care. I know there are more important things going in the world but it’s really getting to the point I’m dreading the weekends when both of our girls are here when actually it’s a time I should be looking forward too! Any advice welcome

@whysoserious123

Sounds like sisters

This. Most likely nothing to do with being step siblings or the new baby. They just sound like normal 7 year old sisters

@GlitteryGreen

Make sure you spend time with your children alone - so your boyfriend with his daughter; you with yours. WITHOUT the baby.

?

Where does the baby go then?

There are two parents for the baby. So the dad spends time with his DD while the OP looks after the baby and vice versa.

Even if the OP's DD'S dad doesn't see her, she can still give her boyfriend space to spend time with his DD 1-2-1.

I agree with pp that the sleeping arrangements sound really bad

whysoserious123

Sounds like sisters

This. Most likely nothing to do with being step siblings or the new baby.
They just sound like normal 7 year old sisters

Agree it wouldn't be unusual behaviour between siblings, but it's an issue to be solved when it's causing SD to go home to her mum's house when she should be staying with her dad.

I agree it's moved far too fast but that doesn't help you now. I'd get rid of the bunk beds and have a single bed each if neither likes the top bunk. Give DSD some space that's just her own - a box, drawer, shelf etc. Any chance of separate rooms? Make sure DSD getting lots of 1-1 time with dad and some time with dad and baby too while either your DD sees her dad or you have 1-1 time with her. Sounds really hard for everyone involved.

I had a similar situation except my DD and DSD adored each other for years, were absolute best friends and so, so excited to move in together. Insisted on sharing a room even though they could have had one each. Coexisted peacefully for the first year, all was great. Then puberty hit both around the time I got pregnant and it all went to shit, the arguments were awful, DSD would steal from DD and destroy her stuff, said some vile things to her and to me. DD wasn't an angel either and started avoiding her, deliberately making her jealous and making it clear she wasn't welcome. My ex was terrified to upset DSD, I was defensive of DD who was miserable every time she came. Tried to split their rooms but DSD absolutely flipped, said it was her room and she would never come again if we gave her a different one so we were stuck. Was just a mess and was a huge relief when I split up with her dad. So yeah, strongly suggest you get this sorted before they get to about 10 as it can be a LOT worse.

They don't hate each other, they hate the situation they've been thrust into.

Step up how? Have you got any constructive advice or have you simply come here to be horrible to strangers on the internet

Not at all. I told the OP to step up.

Are so many of you hard of understanding when reading the original post.

Any woman or man who has a child with someone who has children already needs to STEP UP.

The existing children didn't ask for this - poor buggers many of them.

Anyone complaining about the children of their partners YOUNG children need a reality check.

@whenthedoveslie

Step up how? Have you got any constructive advice or have you simply come here to be horrible to strangers on the internet

Not at all. I told the OP to step up.

Are so many of you hard of understanding when reading the original post.

Any woman or man who has a child with someone who has children already needs to STEP UP.

The existing children didn't ask for this - poor buggers many of them.

Anyone complaining about the children of their partners YOUNG children need a reality check.

Yeah, step up how? You can repeat it in capitals but it still means fuck all... Your reply was unhelpful and rude at best. We can all say meaningless bullshit but it helps nobody.

@sadpapercourtesan

Of course they hate each other, they've pretty much been set up as rivals from the outset, haven't they? The whole scenario has been very clumsily managed. The bunk beds, for example - it's almost like you've deliberately set up a flashpoint there! If neither of them likes a top bunk, then you can't have bunk beds. If there isn't room for separate beds, then you don't have the space for this family set-up . Each girl needs her own bed, not to be shunted around.

The girls are the same age, which is already difficult for them both. In adoption and fostering, this is called "twinning", and is avoided because it's a recipe for disaster. Neither of you is putting yourself in DSD's shoes and trying to understand how it feels for her to have another little girl spend more time with her father than she does. If you are determined to make this "blended family" work, then I think you should consider family therapy with both the girls. Ideally you would have thought all of this through and got the girls settled properly before you brought another baby into it, but that can't be helped now.

Don't allow DSD to become the scapegoat here. It isn't her fault.

Excellent advice here.

OP you really need to step back and take along hard look at how you are your DP are parenting.

Being diplomatic about it you have made a series of questionable choices to date. You really need to start making better choices for those two poor girls as well as your own sanity.

I’m sorry you’re getting very little constructive response here, very typical of MN. Try asking for your post to be moved to step parenting, there’s a chance you’ll at least be heard there.

I think you need to allow your DSD some time alone with her dad. Can you take the baby and DD out so they can spend quality time together? You shouldn’t be forced out of your home but go and do something nice. Being a step parent is a thankless task, good luck.

we have been together for over 2 years now, have a house together and a new baby together.

Sorry NRTFT but this stood out to me.

The past 2 years we’ve been living through a pandemic, life has been so difficult and has had so many uncertainties and changes. Adults and children have really struggled.

Your girls have had to deal with not only their parents having a new partner, but also moving in together AND a new baby.
I’m not surprised they don’t get on!

Honestly you moved way too quickly and didn’t put your children first.

My biggest advice would be that you need time with your daughter away from your partner, new baby and step daughter.
And your partner needs time with just his daughter without you, the baby or your daughter.

For the next few weeks every Saturday do this.
It doesn’t have to be expensive you could even go to each of your parents for the day and the other one stays home with the other 2 kids.

Is their room big enough for 2 single beds?

It sounds like normal behaviour, my dd is 6 as is my neice. They love getting together, doing the same things but it gets super competitive between them as well.
What works for us is no one is competing for the same parents' attention.
Your dh needs to spends lots of one on one time with his DD, she needs reassuring that she's still his priority. She's only 7, some of the responses on here seem to Have forgotten how young 7 actually is.

I think you need to allow your DSD some time alone with her dad. Can you take the baby and DD out so they can spend quality time together? You shouldn’t be forced out of your home but go and do something nice. Being a step parent is a thankless task, good luck.

Well as constructive advice goes, I don't think the above is much use tbh. So when does the OP's stepdaughter get to spend time with the baby, who is just as much her sibling as to OP's DD? Of course she needs time with her dad but she also needs to feel part of the family, doesn't she?

And then the comment about being a stepparent being a thankless task and not feeling 'forced' out of her home- doesn't suggest the best attitude towards the young child in this situation.

It's funny the way that some children just don't gel. I and a very good friend of mine have boys just a few months apart in age - we assumed they would be like ready-made friends for each other. In fact, the two of them just don't get along - no fighting but they prefer to play separately rather than with each other when we meet up and they always want to do different things. We just meet up the two of us now and leave the children at home.

How many bedrooms are there in your house? I would stop the room-sharing if you can for now. Your DD is feeling like her space is being invaded and DSD doesn't like sharing either. Does the baby have their own room? If so, I'd move the baby in with you when DSD comes and put a folding bed up in the baby's room for DSD.

Yeah, step up how? You can repeat it in capitals but it still means fuck all... Your reply was unhelpful and rude at best. We can all say meaningless bullshit but it helps nobody

You are mistaken @Getyourarseofffthequattro

Folk are reading. We need to be educating and sharing. Blended families rarely work. Good that this message spreads rather than your silly objections based on daft ideas of what is rude.

Swearing won't make a difference either.

@BellatrixOnABadDay
If I’d suggested OP left the baby and went out with her DD that would also be wrong. I’m afraid step mothers can rarely win.

Sorry i feel desperately sorry for both girls.
You both moved on way to quickly and now surprised it is like this.
You need to give both girls time to adjust, they’re both young.
You’re dsd has suddenly got two new siblings and has too share her dad, that’s a lot to get used too.
She also has no space of her own.
What’s wrong with her sleeping downstairs with her dad for a while?
You Also need to make sure your dsd isn’t being blame for everything, because Ofcourse this is going to be just as hard for your daughter.
New siblings and suddenly having to share YOU.
Make sure All the friction isn’t just being blamed on dsd.

Agree with those who say you need to be spending separate time with the girls, if possible. The idea of a lockable cupboard/box for DSD to put 'her' things is also good.

Also, don't assume that your own daughter can do or say no wrong. All 7 yr olds are capable of being quite horrible, and it's good training for the rest of your DD's school career if you can entertain the possibility that your DD might be partly 'to blame' (in so far as any children who are forced quickly into a blended family can be 'to blame' for anything at all, which isn't very far).

Overall, though, I'd try to ensure that DSD gets 'alone' time with her dad if possible, or time with him/both of you and the baby, if your DD is not there for any reason. It's going to be difficult for DSD to feel a bond with the baby if she's spending her very limited time at your house in conflict with your DD.

@danco

Me and my OH both have 7 year old daughters from previous relationships, we have been together for over 2 years now, have a house together and a new baby together. But our older girls will just not get along!!! The can play nicely but it never lasts long, often ends up with my OHs daughter going home upset to her mum over something my child has said/done which causes my OH getting it in the ear. But his daughter is by no means an angel, it’s her way or no way, she has to go first at everything or she doesn’t want to play anymore, she has to choose the games, won’t entertain anything my daughter suggests, we always encourage taking it in turns etc but then she gets upset that she doesn’t want to play so daddy says it’s okay she doesn’t have too. My daughter is now obviously picking up on these little things and is becoming frustrated, she thinks it isn’t fair and I agree! We try and take them Out every weekend so they aren’t cooped up in the house but even that doesn’t stop the arguing. They have bunk beds, through the week my daughter always sleeps on the bottom, when OHs daughter comes she has to sleep on the bottom or will kick up a fuss and will make her dad sleep down stairs with her on the sofa. I even had a chat with my daughter about just letting her go first etc just to keep the peace as I want her to feel comfortable when she’s here but now I think that was the wrong thing to do. I have tried speaking to my OH but he doesn’t seem to care. I know there are more important things going in the world but it’s really getting to the point I’m dreading the weekends when both of our girls are here when actually it’s a time I should be looking forward too! Any advice welcome

Goodness me.

Can I just add, both girls want to share a room with eachother, they wanted the bunk beds - hence why we got them OHs daughter spends time with her dad 3 nights a week after school just the 2 of them, I spend time with mine when baby naps, just the 2 of us. DSD has her own boxes full of her stuff, she has her own draws. She is in no way pushed out of anything she knows this is also her home.

Me and my OH knew eachother for a long time before we got together, so did the kids.

I'm asking for advice, not to be judged, thanks to those who have helped.

@whenthedoveslie

Yeah, step up how? You can repeat it in capitals but it still means fuck all... Your reply was unhelpful and rude at best. We can all say meaningless bullshit but it helps nobody

You are mistaken @Getyourarseofffthequattro

Folk are reading. We need to be educating and sharing. Blended families rarely work. Good that this message spreads rather than your silly objections based on daft ideas of what is rude.

Swearing won't make a difference either.

You're not educating anyone by saying "step up" and refusing to elaborate.

Blending families doesn't "rarely work". It is hard work, yes, but not destined to failure.

If you want to elaborate and educate us all, please go ahead, maybe if you don't, go find someone else to kick whilst they're down.

The OP came here asking for advice, has anybody actually got any? Repeatedly telling her how wrong she's got it isn't going to fix the problem.

OP it sounds really stressful, I've not been in this situation but do have 3 children who rarely get along. Ensuring they have one on one time, separate activities and their own space (or as much as you can provide) is really important and does help to minimise the flash points.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things, op. I would just see how it goes, don't force the relationship, give them space and don't be too hard on anyone including yourself. I think that's all you can do. Things may improve in time. And probably don't come here for advice because the above is unfortunately far too common

@Havers

The OP came here asking for advice, has anybody actually got any? Repeatedly telling her how wrong she's got it isn't going to fix the problem.

OP it sounds really stressful, I've not been in this situation but do have 3 children who rarely get along. Ensuring they have one on one time, separate activities and their own space (or as much as you can provide) is really important and does help to minimise the flash points.

I totally agree, why is everyone judging OP and making these unhelpful comments. The OP is asking for help with her situation.

sorry but agree with others. i feel sorry for the child. her dads left and created another family that she gets to just pop into. poor girl. and having another baby after 2 years. horrible

Wtf! All these people on this thread with perfect lives and obviously children that never argue, meanwhile, here in the real world kids argue, they fight, then they play together and are best of friends again. Mine can't sit in a room together without fighting (they also share a room). Ignore all pointless judgement OP.

@Kuachui

sorry but agree with others. i feel sorry for the child. her dads left and created another family that she gets to just pop into. poor girl. and having another baby after 2 years. horrible

Can we just ban shit like this. Who do you think you're helping?!?! @mnhq seriously can we make this part of the rules? If you don't have anything constructive to say, say nothing