Daughter and step daughter hate eachother!!

[danco]

Me and my OH both have 7 year old daughters from previous relationships, we have been together for over 2 years now, have a house together and a new baby together. But our older girls will just not get along!!! The can play nicely but it never lasts long, often ends up with my OHs daughter going home upset to her mum over something my child has said/done which causes my OH getting it in the ear. But his daughter is by no means an angel, it’s her way or no way, she has to go first at everything or she doesn’t want to play anymore, she has to choose the games, won’t entertain anything my daughter suggests, we always encourage taking it in turns etc but then she gets upset that she doesn’t want to play so daddy says it’s okay she doesn’t have too. My daughter is now obviously picking up on these little things and is becoming frustrated, she thinks it isn’t fair and I agree! We try and take them
Out every weekend so they aren’t cooped up in the house but even that doesn’t stop the arguing. They have bunk beds, through the week my daughter always sleeps on the bottom, when OHs daughter comes she has to sleep on the bottom or will kick up a fuss and will make her dad sleep down stairs with her on the sofa. I even had a chat with my daughter about just letting her go first etc just to keep the peace as I want her to feel comfortable when she’s here but now I think that was the wrong thing to do. I have tried speaking to my OH but he doesn’t seem to care. I know there are more important things going in the world but it’s really getting to the point I’m dreading the weekends when both of our girls are here when actually it’s a time I should be looking forward too! Any advice welcome

@Thatsplentyjack

Wtf! All these people on this thread with perfect lives and obviously children that never argue, meanwhile, here in the real world kids argue, they fight, then they play together and are best of friends again. Mine can't sit in a room together without fighting (they also share a room). Ignore all pointless judgement OP.

Nope. No perfect life here at all. Single parent since leaving abusive ex. Too scared to let anyone else get close to me and have a serious relationship again tbh.

I think when you become a single parent your priority should be your existing children and a new relationship has to be introduced so incredibly slowly and carefully and not rushed into, especially with step siblings. I wouldn't have more children as I don't think it would be in the interest of my two existing children. That's just me.

My step sister hates me, always had. Her dad moved in with us when she was a teenager and she despised it (I was 7). Even as adults it’s no better and she’s always disliked me. Blended families, sometimes nothing you can do

Those comments aren't useless, though. If posters feel that OP lacks empathy for her DSD's situation and struggles to see things from her perspective, then those posts could be very useful indeed. You can't solve a problem if you won't face up to its causes and your own role in creating it.

OP, you have had practical and constructive advice on this thread. Separate beds so that nobody has to give up their space. Being mindful of each girl having time with their own parent uninterrupted. Family therapy to work through everyone's place in the family and how they are feeling about it. Making sure thatyou don't fall into the trap of scapegoating one child for the systemic problems in the family.

It's up to you whether you heed any of the advice, but it's disingenuous to claim that there hasn't been any.

OP have you looked at a book called 'siblings without rivalry'? May offer some useful tips and insights on how to engender a better relationship between the girls. Always treat them like they are only children and dad as your own. Never compare to each other and discipline seperately and as a natural consequence.
Would family therapy be an option?
This sounds very tough to manage. But I'm sure you will get there.

@sadpapercourtesan

Those comments aren't useless, though. If posters feel that OP lacks empathy for her DSD's situation and struggles to see things from her perspective, then those posts could be very useful indeed. You can't solve a problem if you won't face up to its causes and your own role in creating it.

OP, you have had practical and constructive advice on this thread. Separate beds so that nobody has to give up their space. Being mindful of each girl having time with their own parent uninterrupted. Family therapy to work through everyone's place in the family and how they are feeling about it. Making sure thatyou don't fall into the trap of scapegoating one child for the systemic problems in the family.

It's up to you whether you heed any of the advice, but it's disingenuous to claim that there hasn't been any.

All the ones telling her she's moved too fast etc are useless. She can't go back in time. Just coming here, telling someone they've made the wrong decision, moved too past or just saying "poor kids" is useless. Does it help op or the children involved? No it doesn't.

My daughter has never slept in her top bunk as it scares her - could you put the mattress on the floor when your stepdaughter is over and see if she will sleep there? I don't think that your daughter should have to give up her bed.

Also, if you had two kids this age who were natural siblings they would argue a lot too, most likely - mine do, and my nieces and nephews do as well.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro I disagree. OP needs to understand why the problems between the girls are there, and the way in which the transition has happened is likely to be a large part of that. If they do go for family therapy, then they will be expected to explore that and take responsibility for it. OP has posted asking for help in sorting out the problems; it's perfectly valid for posters to point out the likely roots of the issues in her and her DP's choices.

could you put the mattress on the floor when your stepdaughter is over and see if she will sleep there? I don't think that your daughter should have to give up her bed.

Yeah, because making her sleep on the floor like a second rate family member is going to make her feel so much better! If no one wants the top bunk, another solution is needed, and not one that involves a child not having a bed.

Whilst I appreciate the “you’ve moved too fast” posts don’t necessarily help the OP, they may well help others reading the thread. I can speak from personal experience when I say some of the “what the hell were you thinking” posts on here have made me reconsider my own situation and make better decisions!

I think when there’s a child/ren involved it’s even more important people stop and think! It’s astounding how many “accidental” pregnancies occur in new relationships with previous children.

OP, it’s really irrelevant how long you’ve known this guy, his daughter has still had an enormous upheaval in a very short space of time and that must be really stressful for her. If they originally wanted to share, is there any way that can be changed now? At seven she probably loves the idea of sharing but in reality it’s very very different - she’s not old enough to manage those feelings yet and I think she needs her own space so she feels she has a proper place in your home.

[quote sadpapercourtesan]@Getyourarseofffthequattro I disagree. OP needs to understand why the problems between the girls are there, and the way in which the transition has happened is likely to be a large part of that. If they do go for family therapy, then they will be expected to explore that and take responsibility for it. OP has posted asking for help in sorting out the problems; it's perfectly valid for posters to point out the likely roots of the issues in her and her DP's choices.[/quote]
Right, and people just saying "you've moved too fast" and "poor kids" is going to help her how exactly? Again, she cannot go back in time. What she needs is advice on what to do NOW.

If you want to validate people coming to stick the boot in, being nasty and offering no advice whatsoever that says a lot about you as a person.

sadpapercourtesan

Those comments aren't useless, though. If posters feel that OP lacks empathy for her DSD's situation and struggles to see things from her perspective, then those posts could be very useful indeed. You can't solve a problem if you won't face up to its causes and your own role in creating it.

OP, you have had practical and constructive advice on this thread. Separate beds so that nobody has to give up their space. Being mindful of each girl having time with their own parent uninterrupted. Family therapy to work through everyone's place in the family and how they are feeling about it. Making sure thatyou don't fall into the trap of scapegoating one child for the systemic problems in the family.

It's up to you whether you heed any of the advice, but it's disingenuous to claim that there hasn't been any.

Well said sadpaper, whilst it might be hard to hear they moved, its honest feedback as to why dsd and dd are struggling, it gives the op insight into how much girls are feeling which is important if they are to move forward. There has been some excellent advice here its down to op now what she choses to do with it going forward.

@RosieGuacamosie

Whilst I appreciate the “you’ve moved too fast” posts don’t necessarily help the OP, they may well help others reading the thread. I can speak from personal experience when I say some of the “what the hell were you thinking” posts on here have made me reconsider my own situation and make better decisions!

I think when there’s a child/ren involved it’s even more important people stop and think! It’s astounding how many “accidental” pregnancies occur in new relationships with previous children.

OP, it’s really irrelevant how long you’ve known this guy, his daughter has still had an enormous upheaval in a very short space of time and that must be really stressful for her. If they originally wanted to share, is there any way that can be changed now? At seven she probably loves the idea of sharing but in reality it’s very very different - she’s not old enough to manage those feelings yet and I think she needs her own space so she feels she has a proper place in your home.

Now we're validating it as helping others. Laughable. Constructive advice could also help others without being outright nasty to op. Perhaps people could try that.

What this does is stop people from posting. Mumsnet is supposed to be supportive not vile.

The behaviour you describe sounds very similar to my twin girls - playing and fighting in equal measure, constant preoccupation with fairness. I think the difference is that my twins have been more or less trained to resolve their own disputes- mom does not referee. if there is a conflict they can’t resolve, I separate them and/or take away the toy they are arguing over. 80% of the time they resolve it themselves after a brief argument. Conflict resolution is a critical life skill, also I have zero interest in moderating the million and one arguments that arise on a daily basis.

Your situation is hard because there are different adults taking different sides (you for your daughter, your dsd mum doing the same for her), which I think probably feeds the (very normal) conflict and maybe also makes it a proxy dispute about parental love. I know it is hard, but the best thing might be to keep out of their disputes. When your dd comes to you with complaints try not to make judgments about who is right or wrong, and try to focus her on finding her own solutions. My mantra in kid to kid arguments is be the sports announcer not the referee.

@Bananarama21

sadpapercourtesan

Those comments aren't useless, though. If posters feel that OP lacks empathy for her DSD's situation and struggles to see things from her perspective, then those posts could be very useful indeed. You can't solve a problem if you won't face up to its causes and your own role in creating it.

OP, you have had practical and constructive advice on this thread. Separate beds so that nobody has to give up their space. Being mindful of each girl having time with their own parent uninterrupted. Family therapy to work through everyone's place in the family and how they are feeling about it. Making sure thatyou don't fall into the trap of scapegoating one child for the systemic problems in the family.

It's up to you whether you heed any of the advice, but it's disingenuous to claim that there hasn't been any.

Well said sadpaper, whilst it might be hard to hear they moved, its honest feedback as to why dsd and dd are struggling, it gives the op insight into how much girls are feeling which is important if they are to move forward. There has been some excellent advice here its down to op now what she choses to do with it going forward.

Honest feedback again, there is a right way and a wrong way. Perhaps you don't understand that. It's a shame.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro nobody is suggesting that she can go back in time. What she can and should do, however, is face up to the fact that she and her partner have caused this friction by the choices they made, and use that knowledge to inform their handling of the fallout. You cannot solve a problem if you do not understand how it came about. I would suggest that the posters saying that the DSD is just unpleasant, or that this is normal sibling rivalry and OP should just roll with it - they are the ones being unhelpful.

I'll ignore the jibe about my posts telling you a lot about me as a person. It's not worth a response.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro have you actually read my post

I don’t think people should be outright nasty to the OP, but I do think she needs to consider the impact her actions have had on her DPs child and act accordingly

Getyourarseofffthequattro because its clear its the root cause of the problem with the girls statically blended families are more likely going to break down if they are blended too quickly inparticular blended families with massive changes in quick succession. That's without considering the pandemic going on at the same time with schools closing not being able to see friends effectively being locked indoors. It's not to say blending families are all doomed to fail they are not but resentment can creep in if feelings are not managed properly.

@Bananarama21

Getyourarseofffthequattro because its clear its the root cause of the problem with the girls statically blended families are more likely going to break down if they are blended too quickly inparticular blended families with massive changes in quick succession. That's without considering the pandemic going on at the same time with schools closing not being able to see friends effectively being locked indoors. It's not to say blending families are all doomed to fail they are not but resentment can creep in if feelings are not managed properly.

Yes, I think we all know that, but how does it help op pointing it out? That's right! It doesn't.

[quote RosieGuacamosie]@Getyourarseofffthequattro have you actually read my post

I don’t think people should be outright nasty to the OP, but I do think she needs to consider the impact her actions have had on her DPs child and act accordingly[/quote]
Yes I did read it. Do you think these posts are actually helpful though honestly?

I'm sure she HAS thought about it. She clearly cares considering she's posting here.

Because how are they suppose to move forward the problem is there, by understanding it will enable the girls to better understand the girls individual pov in order to move forward hence the therapy would be an excellent idea.

Do those with their judgy pants hiked so high they’re almost strangling you, yes that’s @Bananarama21 and @RosieGuacamosie in particular have step children? Do you speak from the experience of a stepmother or are you here just to beat OP with this stick?
Her situation is already in place, if you have nothing helpful to say, please let some who do to have some say.

We've all explained repeatedly how it might help OP. You aren't listening.

Once more with feeling: You can't effectively address a problem, or solve it, without an understanding of its roots and how it came about. The girls' behaviour is reactive. It has causes. It won't improve unless the adults' response to it is underpinned by understanding.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro yes I do because sometimes people need to realise they have fucked up?

The tone of the OP very much paints her partners daughter as a difficult child and I think the OP needs to realise that the circumstances have likely played a large part in this and therefore she may need to cut more slack than normal whilst she adjusts to the new family set up!

Sorry for the poor English, I’m on my phone.

I’m sure OP is now aware, can we move onto some helpful advice now?