Cannot take this anymore!!!

[tiredandfedup3333]

My 22 month old cries and cries when put down for a nap in her cot and when put in her cot at bedtime. She will cry for anything from 5 mins to half an hour when I leave the room. Clearly even the cry it out method has no affect on her as if I leave her for 30 mins she will do it again a day or two later and then again and again! Mentally I’m really struggling to hear her crying and crying every single time she’s put down to sleep. But equally I desperately need a bit of down time. I feel like a shit mum. Where am I going wrong?!

Her routine is something like this:

8am - wake
1pm - nap (cries then falls asleep at 1.30-1.45pm)
3pm - wake
8pm - bed (cries and actually falls asleep around 8.45pm).

Help!

I do naps in pushchair and leave in garden would she be happy to fall asleep on a walk? What happens if you stay at bedtime? Rock and transfer?

She will nap in the pushchair, though not for long. And honestly, I would rather not go for a walk every single day to get her to sleep, especially when it’s pouring with rain! I know it sounds selfish but I just want 45 mins to myself during the day. I could start cuddling her to sleep at night but it takes about 1.5 hrs from previous experience. I thought that phase would be long gone by now as well Is it so wrong to not want to do that every single day and want just some time to myself?!

I’m just worried I’m screwing up with the way things are

I’ve cuddled both of mine to sleep for every nap/bedtime that I’ve been there for. Don’t feel like cry it out is what you have to do if it’s making you feel so bad. Cuddling them to sleep doesn’t create bad habits, both of mine sleep lovely and settle themselves now. They’re just programmed to want to be with you when they’re so little.
You could start a totally fresh new routine, include music or books or a bath, maybe change the cot’s position or turn it into a toddler bed. Just to get rid of the association that it’s a place she feels so sad.

The problem is I don’t want to cuddle to sleep for an hour each time And I know that makes me a shit mum and selfish. But I need time for myself.

I’m at a total loss what to do.

I don’t understand sorry.
45 minutes to fall asleep isn’t bad at all.
You get 2-3pm for yourself.
Plus 3 hours in the evening.
Plus whatever extra time when she’s content/playing etc

Do you think you potentially underestimated how much you have to give up when you have a baby?

It doesn't make you a shit mum, I've always been the same, don't want to cuddle to sleep for an hour.

Do you wake them from that nap or are they waking naturally?

Play around with the nap, try a touch earlier/ touch later to hit the sweet spot

my 22 month old daughter has always been cuddled to sleep. Actually, initially breastfed to sleep, then rocked, then cuddled while we sit on a chair, and more recently she's getting more willing to lie down in her cot while we sing a couple of songs before leaving the room with the white noise machine playing for the duration of the nap /all night. she'll then sleep for 2 hours in the day and 11 hours at night (as long as she's not ill).

we then find we have a couple of hours down time after getting her to sleep so I think its worth it than hear her cry.

Does she need her nap? Could you power through and put her down earlier at night?

What happens if you stay in the room? Is it really down time when you have a screaming child in their bedroom?

My son cried til he was sick the one time we attempted "controlled crying" and would have stayed awake forever if I hadn't fed him to sleep. Babies/toddlers that go to sleep on their own seem like a different species to me

If you want to avoid the crying, you will probably need to be present or invest time and effort in helping her feel comforted by an object (teddy, blanket, etc)

I don’t understand sorry.
45 minutes to fall asleep isn’t bad at all.

What don’t you understand? I’m saying I hate hearing her crying but equally I know she does eventually fall asleep if left, whether it takes 5 mins or 30 mins (it seems to vary on a daily basis). If I go in and cuddle her, put her back down, lift her out again when she starts crying again etcetera it can take far longer than that. But I feel guilty leaving her to fall asleep on her own. I’m scared I’m affecting her mental health.

What happens if you stay in the room? Is it really down time when you have a screaming child in their bedroom?

She just doesn’t sleep. Stands up and tries to climb out the cot.

Clearly controlled crying and cry it out don’t work with her at all!

I don’t understand the point where you say you only want 45 minutes to yourself a day when you get at least 4 hours according to what you put?
If you don’t want to cuddle to sleep I’m not sure what advice would help

Have I affected her mental health do you think?! I feel terrible and so unsure of myself as a mum.

I don’t understand the point where you say you only want 45 minutes to yourself a day when you get at least 4 hours according to what you put?

What I mean is, I want time to myself when she naps and goes to bed of an evening. I don’t want to sit in her room for an hour or more each time cuddling and shushing her to sleep.

It’s really rough when you need that downtime. For what it’s worth I cuddle my 26 month off to sleep because it’s the quickest way. I’ve just accepted that that’s a big chunk of my evenings during this phase of life. I have to remind myself that it won’t be forever and I’ll probably miss it when he’s older. I turn dim the lights, get comfy, he plays with my hair and I browse mumsnet. It’s quite relaxing really.

I also find that he goes to sleep much earlier and faster if he hasn’t had a daytime nap. If he naps during the day I don’t even bother taking him upstairs to bed until half 8 and he often won’t fall asleep until half 9 which is draining and rubbish. Not having a break in the day is hard but worth it for an easier bedtime. Maybe your 22 month old is coming up to not needing a nap? Sorry, that’s probably the last thing you want to hear!

Cry it out is awful. I think it's emotionally harmful, personally. There's no benefit to a small child from learning to shut up because nobody's coming.

I sympathise (one of mine didn't sleep more than an hour at a time before he was 4) and I know how exhausting and mentally shredding it is. I don't think you have a humane option other than cuddling to sleep/walks in the pushchair, though, for the time being. There isn't some magical way to stop them from crying. Is there anyone who could have her for an afternoon every now and again to give you a break?

You could just try a shorter nap, rather than no nap at all? Give it a go for a consistent week and see what happens?

I always stayed in the room but mine always go through phases and there have been no tears since he was about 12 months but there were phases where it took longer and there was cheekiness but eventually fell asleep. I kept saying shush shush, it's sleepy time or ignore him if not upset.

What's your evening routine like? Ours has been the same since both were tiny:

Bath, books, milk, teeth, dummy, sleep (eldest needs to lose it (dummy) now but we're not there yet).

Nap time (eldest stopped at 2 1/2) was just milk and dummy.

Can you do gradual retreat (google it as I’m sure I won’t explain it properly!) I used to sit next to the cot and rest a hand on mine. Somehow they now go to sleep on their own but it just kind of eventually happened. Do you have a partner who can help?

Cry it out is awful. I think it's emotionally harmful, personally

@sadpapercourtesan even if it’s leaving them to cry for 5 mins?!

You won't like this advice but with mine - I stayed with them and cuddled to sleep and they stopped needing it around 3. I know you want downtime but if you can be flexible I reckon she'll pass through this stage and need you less.