Cannot take this anymore!!!

[tiredandfedup3333]

My 22 month old cries and cries when put down for a nap in her cot and when put in her cot at bedtime. She will cry for anything from 5 mins to half an hour when I leave the room. Clearly even the cry it out method has no affect on her as if I leave her for 30 mins she will do it again a day or two later and then again and again! Mentally I’m really struggling to hear her crying and crying every single time she’s put down to sleep. But equally I desperately need a bit of down time. I feel like a shit mum. Where am I going wrong?!

Her routine is something like this:

8am - wake
1pm - nap (cries then falls asleep at 1.30-1.45pm)
3pm - wake
8pm - bed (cries and actually falls asleep around 8.45pm).

Help!

It’s probably too late for my DD - I’ve already made her anxious and created life long issues. I feel so guilty.

Have you spoken to your doctor regarding yourself? Maybe they can direct some support to you?

Cry it out along with many other methods can take months, consistency is key. Personally I’ve always read and cuddled my baby for so long and then popped in to soothe if he’s been unhappy.

So do most people not let their toddlers cry at all? Not even for 5 mins? I’ve really messed up here.

I've personally never been able to do CIO, but have been there with the hours of attempting naps and sleep and it's draining. Do you have a partner/DH to share the load with?

From your routine I think the nap is too late and needs to be closer to 12pm than 1pm, moving it gradually earlier might help with an earlier bedtime.

I cuddled DD to sleep until around 2yo, when we introduced a big girls bed (cot into cotbed). She was much happier lying in that to get to sleep than she ever was in a cot with all the bars. At just past 2 she gave up naps all together and now goes to bed for 6.30/7pm within a few minutes of her head hitting the pillow. I still sit with her while she goes to sleep but it's worth it for a decent evening! She's also much calmer in the day from not having the nap time energy boost!

Are you ignoring everyone on purpose?

I also meant to add that you are absolutely not a terrible mum for wanting time to yourself. But I also think you need to adjust / reset your expectations a little bit regarding her sleep. I do mean it kindly, OP.

Gradual retreat. Starting with hand on her chest, then moving a bit away from the cot every night over the course of a week or so til you’re at the door, then out the door, then the door closed but your still on the other side. Took us a few weeks, and some nights it took hours of me just sitting there in the dark reassuring her I was there. But it worked and never had problems getting her to sleep again

Your latest update

Cries for 5 minutes and sleeps.
Cries for 5 minutes, has a cuddle. Cries for 5 minutes and sleeps.

So what’s the issue? Do you expect her to never cry? To fall asleep within seconds? What are you actually hoping for? You get time for yourself in the evenings like other parents so what do want?

@tiredandfedup3333

So do most people not let their toddlers cry at all? Not even for 5 mins? I’ve really messed up here.

Not if they need me when it's bedtime and it's dark in the room.

If he has a meltdown because I cut his toast wrong or I didn't let him stick his finger in the butter to eat a big dollop straight, I do let him cry. I tell him that I understand he's upset but he can't have the butter and that I'm sorry I cut the toast wrong but I can't undo it. He usually calms down within 5-10 minutes and we can try again.

I feel sick with guilt.

You are not a terrible mum at all you clearly love and care for your child. This kind of subject really gets some people's backs up.. also would recommend Googling the gradual retreat method. Can build up to your child falling asleep and feeling secure. It isn't unreasonable to want your child to go straight to sleep be kind to yourself

OP in all honesty it sounds like you have some serious anxiety issues. Cry it out, scientifically, is not harmful and it usually 'works'. Ignore those who suggest long term harm. However I absolutely cannot do it personally even though I'm exhausted. I currently only get an hour or two between feeds at 11 months in the night and a full time job. It sounds like you get a relatively long time to yourself at the moment. It's all relative right? I'm going to reask one original question, what is your support network? Is her father around? Do you get any time to yourself outside of the home? Can you pay for some formal childcare?

You absolutely haven't affected her mental health. Consistency is key. Make sure your response is the same every single time. Also, at 22m, I wonder if maybe she needs a little longer awake time? Just a thought. My 15m old is awake 5h in the morning before nap. What about if you push nap back 15m for a few days and see if she falls asleep more quickly. If no joy, push another 15m. If she's very sleepy, lots of distraction to help push through!

DD is 3 and I or DH still cuddle her to sleep! But she's been in a bed for a long time, not a cot, so I or DH just get in with her, read a book, then have a cuddle and a chat etc till she drops off. It doesn't take long, and we never have tears at bedtime. I did briefly try sleep training in her first year but it wasn't for us, and now it's actually a lovely part of our day. She's asleep by 7ish so plenty of time to ourselves in the evenings.

Can't you just carry on with your day and she'll fall asleep when she's tired either next to you on the sofa or in her buggy/ sling etc. I've never put mine in their cot for a nap during the day. If they're tired they'll fall asleep wherever they are!

@tiredandfedup3333

Cry it out is meant to be something you do for 3-4 nights and then it’s done, they’ve learnt a new habit. Whereas DD cries every single night for 5-30 mins.

Sadly, the “habit” they learn is to not bother crying when they need help because nobody is going to come.

If she’s still crying after 30 mins, it sounds like she’s still holding out hope.

Are you with her dad, OP? Can you take it in turns to do a relaxing bath, story, and some cuddles until she’s ready to sleep?

She's asleep by 7ish so plenty of time to ourselves in the evenings.

I think it would be different if she was guaranteed to be asleep at 7. But when it’s getting towards 9 and she’s still not asleep it’s hard.

No support network here in terms of family and friends (we moved to a new area last year and barely know anyone). Husband works v long hours but is hands on at the weekend.

I think the bedtime seems late to be honest - is she overtired?

Both of my children are in bed by 7 sometimes 6.30pm, they're 4 and almost 2.

My daughter sometimes does take a while to fall asleep. I really avoid going in unless she is actually crying, not grizzling.

DS is 19 months and I lie down with him for every nap and bed time. I couldn't stand to do cry it out. They need us right now.

It's hard when you want downtime. But that time will come back again. Right now they need us

It's not too late to start lying down with her - without your phone. I just cuddle up with DS, talk to him, stroke his head but we mostly lie together quietly as he tosses and turns. It takes between 20-60 minutes but then I get up and have some evening. Even if it takes an hour, your little one will sleep without crying and you'll still get some evening

I personally don't believe that all the love, affection and care you've given her will be cancelled out by a bit of crying at bedtime. However it doesn't sound like what you're doing is really working for either of you. She's crying. You're feeling guilty.
I wonder if she's not getting enough sleep. I'll have to scroll back to your first message to check in a min. But think you said one nap in the middle of the day. Potentially she's really overtired by bedtime, which will make it hard for her to drop off. I suggest you go back to basics. Look up total sleep times for age. Look up wake times. That's the max time they should be awake for. If you can't get her down for 2 naps then I would suggest a really early bedtime. Anytime after 5pm can be bedtime, I'm not kidding.

DD hated a cot and the bars. She much preferred sleeping in a proper bed, and being able to have one of us sitting beside her within touching reach. When she was in a cot, it took far longer to get her to settle and she did cry. Maybe she'd do better in a bed.

she'll fall asleep when she's tired either next to you on the sofa or in her buggy/ sling etc.

She won’t just fall asleep on the sofa - she’d just never sleep if she wasn’t laid down in her buggy or cot.

Sadly, the “habit” they learn is to not bother crying when they need help because nobody is going to come.

Clearly doesn’t work on DD then! She’s been like this for months. Everyone I know who’s done controlled crying has said it takes 3-4 nights at most.

Why not drop the nap and start bedtime at 6.30?

If she isn't falling asleep until nearly 9 and you would prefer a bedtime closer to 7, then you should consider shortening the nap.

My daughter was about 23 months when we had to cut the nap to note than 30 mins. We also couldn't let her sleep past 1:30pm if we wanted her asleep by 7:30pm.

Maybe your daughter just isn't always tired enough at bedtime?

I used to pop ds in his cot and run a bubble bath and have a g&t. He new I was upstairs with him and would fall asleep knowing I was in the bathroom. It was my downtime and by the time I'd finished DS was sound asleep.

Honestly reading the anxiety level of your posts I think it's most likely that the anxious tendencies you're seeing (or think you're seeing) in your daughter are related to your own anxiety. And I say this as someone who still cuddles their 3yr old to sleep, I'm completely against leaving children to cry themselves to sleep but I don't think that's the issue here. If I was you I'd consider talking to your GP about your own anxiety and see if you can reduce that/learn to manage it if your feelings around your daughters sleep improve.