Cannot take this anymore!!!

[tiredandfedup3333]

My 22 month old cries and cries when put down for a nap in her cot and when put in her cot at bedtime. She will cry for anything from 5 mins to half an hour when I leave the room. Clearly even the cry it out method has no affect on her as if I leave her for 30 mins she will do it again a day or two later and then again and again! Mentally I’m really struggling to hear her crying and crying every single time she’s put down to sleep. But equally I desperately need a bit of down time. I feel like a shit mum. Where am I going wrong?!

Her routine is something like this:

8am - wake
1pm - nap (cries then falls asleep at 1.30-1.45pm)
3pm - wake
8pm - bed (cries and actually falls asleep around 8.45pm).

Help!

I’m so frightened I’ve harmed my daughter - I’ve been selfish

She’s also exhibiting anxious traits - getting worried when her favourite doll is out of reach for example. Perhaps it’s because of this?!

@Chichimcgee

I don’t understand sorry. 45 minutes to fall asleep isn’t bad at all. You get 2-3pm for yourself. Plus 3 hours in the evening. Plus whatever extra time when she’s content/playing etc

Do you think you potentially underestimated how much you have to give up when you have a baby?

Exactly this. I can't imagine you're getting any downtime or 'me' time when they're crying for 45 minutes after you leave the room?

What specifically do you want to do during your downtime? I only ask because I put my DS down in his cot for nap and bedtimes and then sit in a seat next to the cot until he's asleep. I put my earphones in when I put him down then I can listen to a podcast/audible/trash on YouTube while he's falling asleep and once he's asleep I can leave the room and relax doing other things. When I put him in his bed I explain he has to go to sleep and I don't entertain anything he's saying to me other to tell him it's nap/bed time and he has to lie down.

Cry it out is working because she's falling asleep alone after a period of crying. Are you basically expecting she will instantly fall asleep with no crying or consoling or cuddling? That's an unrealistic expectation I'm afraid. Where is her dad? Can he settle her?

My son just turned 3 and is now asleep within 5-10 minutes. Baby is 9 months and puts himself to sleep but I'm sure there will be ups and downs as he gets older.

I personally never let my child cry on their own in the dark room because it's something I personally wouldn't want to experience. If I'm upset, I know my mother or husband would be there.

If you're so worried: you're the one who can change this rather than worry about it.

OP i completely understand what you mean. I've never stayed and cuddled my dd to sleep for hours every night, i honestly would hate that. When it is bedtime i cant wait for her to go to sleep so i can have some time to myself.

I did controlled crying so would pop back in every 5 mins or so, i knew when her cry changed which meant she would fall asleep. She has music playing now which helps distract her so she falls asleep

Honestly OP we give so much of ourselves up for kids you have to hold on to a bit of you.

@sadpapercourtesan

Cry it out is awful. I think it's emotionally harmful, personally. There's no benefit to a small child from learning to shut up because nobody's coming.

I sympathise (one of mine didn't sleep more than an hour at a time before he was 4) and I know how exhausting and mentally shredding it is. I don't think you have a humane option other than cuddling to sleep/walks in the pushchair, though, for the time being. There isn't some magical way to stop them from crying. Is there anyone who could have her for an afternoon every now and again to give you a break?

I agree. Cry it out is heartbreaking and cannot be good for any child. I don't care for the 'I did it and my child fell asleep' BS, it still can't be good for them. If you're going to do it stay in the room with them to explain they're ok and you're with them but it's bed time and they have to stay in their cot. At least they know you're there and haven't just left them on their own.

Cry it out is working because she's falling asleep alone after a period of crying.

I thought the whole point of cry it out was that a child who was previously crying for ages and refusing to sleep is then meant to quietly self settle after they’ve been left to cry for a few nights. Not cry every single bedtime. Otherwise what’s the point of cry it out at all?

Why put her in her cot for a nap or at bedtime, she is not a little baby any more; instead have her next to you on the sofa while you read or watch telly. If she has something to play with she may like that and will eventually go off to sleep at which time you can put her to bed. It could become a pattern of you winding down together, companionable.

I know some people do controlled crying (I think less people do full on cry it out these days) but personally I've always fundamentally disagreed with the approach. its a baby's natural instinct to want to feel safe with their mother when going to sleep and there's studies showing how it can increase anxiety in babies which can have long term effects as adults. Babies learn to stop crying because they eventually give up hope of someone coming to help them, not because they aren't necessarily upset.

I really think trying another approach would be best. Other posters have provided good ideas, using headphones to listen to TV on your phone or browsing while you sit and wait for her to fall asleep on you

Cry it out is meant to be something you do for 3-4 nights and then it’s done, they’ve learnt a new habit. Whereas DD cries every single night for 5-30 mins.

Also if I try to look at my phone while she falls asleep, she will just try and grab the phone!

I really feel for you - it’s tough, and there are lots of people out there that can help you sort this. That said, there is research these days that shows crying it out is harmful (perhaps not 5 mins) and prolonged periods do have an impact. I’d reach out for some support from a sleep coach if you can afford it.

It’s probably too late for my DD - I’ve already made her anxious and created life long issues. I feel so guilty.

And Cry it out isn’t so babies will eventually self settle - they either learn there is no one coming for them (which is awful), or there are lots of gradual approaches that can be taken which ensures they know there is a secure connection.

You seem to be failing to understand this. It works for some babies but it is because they give up thinking anyone will come to help them. It doesn't work for your baby so stop trying! She isn't developmentally ready to fall sleep on her own and stressing about what she 'should' be doing or how the system 'should' work is a total waste of your energy. Just give her what she needs for now. Trust me it all is just a phase anyway.

@tiredandfedup3333

The problem is I don’t want to cuddle to sleep for an hour each time And I know that makes me a shit mum and selfish. But I need time for myself.

Got a 23 months old. I cuddle to sleep too, nap and night time and yea, sometimes it takes an hour , but sometimes it takes 5-10 minutes. Sometimes I have to keep going back to him and cuddle again for a bit until he drifts off, but sometimes he won't wake at all and I can have time to myself! Sometimes I just fall asleep with him and have lovely naps & early bedtime.

I 100% get you though as there were times I was crying as I was cuddling him, praying he'd go to sleep quick as I hadn't had dinner, was desperate for a shower or just to have some alone time. But, in my experience, there's no magic solution and whilst they are so little and going through major developments, you will find that no two evenings are the same and just have to go with the flow and hopefully the good evenings will soon outweigh the bed ones :) x

@tiredandfedup3333

Cry it out is meant to be something you do for 3-4 nights and then it’s done, they’ve learnt a new habit. Whereas DD cries every single night for 5-30 mins.

To me, that means your child has not given up hope that you do might come back and then conks out due to exhaustion or once she's given up. She might be a sensitive child. We don't know your child, you do I know my son who is 3 needs me there, my 9 months old doesn't. They are different characters, different humans so what worked for my first, doesn't necessarily work for my second.

I also think cry it out is awful for a baby/toddler. Just cuddle to sleep at this age, they want their mum. When she is 2.( can do gradual retreat (worked with all mine)

Sometimes I will leave her for 5 mins and she will fall asleep.

Other times I’ve tried going in after a few mins when she cries, cuddling for ages, putting her down and she will then cry for 5 mins again before sleeping, even after a very long cuddle! So it’s almost like prolonging the misery.

When she is 2.5 -3 you could do gradual rest rest is what I meant to say

I used to read to DD and then sit on her bedroom floor holding her hand through the cot for anything up to an hour.
DS pulled himself out of his cot when I tried controlled crying but it actually worked after a few nights. The downside was he was wide awake at 4.30/5am. That was like torture, up before kids tv had even started. My 2 are 10 and 6 now and still go to bed too late and get up too early. I go to bed at 8.30 with the kids when it all gets too much. Sorry, it’s not easy.
An extra cover or weighted blanket sometimes helps. Eating a banana before bed is meant to help too.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, OP. It’s not too late to start a more gentle sleep training method. You stlll haven’t mentioned a partner/baby’s dad?

@tiredandfedup3333

It’s probably too late for my DD - I’ve already made her anxious and created life long issues. I feel so guilty.

I think this is probably a little dramatic

I’ve really screwed up here and been selfish haven’t I. I’m a shit mum and I’ve failed her.