Cannot take this anymore!!!

[tiredandfedup3333]

My 22 month old cries and cries when put down for a nap in her cot and when put in her cot at bedtime. She will cry for anything from 5 mins to half an hour when I leave the room. Clearly even the cry it out method has no affect on her as if I leave her for 30 mins she will do it again a day or two later and then again and again! Mentally I’m really struggling to hear her crying and crying every single time she’s put down to sleep. But equally I desperately need a bit of down time. I feel like a shit mum. Where am I going wrong?!

Her routine is something like this:

8am - wake
1pm - nap (cries then falls asleep at 1.30-1.45pm)
3pm - wake
8pm - bed (cries and actually falls asleep around 8.45pm).

Help!

Maybe the OP doesn’t want to be up at 5am or 6am though.

DD is sleeping 12.5 hours in a day or longer. Is if she fell asleep at 7 on the dot would likely sleep until 7.30.

No not all babies/toddlers are ready to sleep or like baths or whatever but bath time is a common bedtime routine, as is a 7/7.30 bedtime.

What worries me is that she is exhibiting what I would call anxious behaviour at times. Maybe it’s because of the way I’ve been dealing with her sleep?!

Stop panicking about harm you think you've done (you most likely haven't) and make a plan for now.

I'd trial dropping the nap for a week. My DD dropped her nap at this sort of age. I moved bedtime forward to 6pm.

If you don't want to do that, have you tried leaving her with some quiet entertainment in the cot when you put her down? DD from a very young age would look at books until she was ready to go to sleep. This meant she was happy to go in her cot and if she wasn't ready to sleep yet she had something to look at.

Like you, I didn't want DD to need to be on me to drop off to sleep. There's nothing wrong with that. Don't leave her for ages if she's distressed, but if she can hear that you're around and is just having a grumpy shout for a few minutes I think that's ok.

you sound like you are extremely hard on yourself op so I think your focus needs to be on reassuring yourself you are not a shit mother, you sound very loving and concerned.
I had terrible, awful sleepers too so I know what it does to your mental health. The baby whisperer books were what I found to be most helpful. there's a lot of shite in them but it boils down to putting your child in the cot, stay beside the cot, every time they stand up, put them down, rubbing their back and soothing them, it can go on for ages the first couple of times. Eventually they will stop standing up and you can stop the rubbing and move a little further away from the cot. At 22 months I think it could take 2 or 3 weeks to get to the point where you can leave the room while they're awake.
Best of luck, it is telling at this point but you will look back and marvel at how much easier things get

I wish I could go back to the beginning and start again.

Stick with your routine. She WILL start to calm down and go to sleep more quickly

it is hellish at this point, not telling

I was also left to cry it out as a baby and am very anxious today! No idea if it’s connected or not.

Firstly you’re not a bad mum!
Secondly cuddling a child to sleep does not work for all families. Though you can feel demonised if you don’t do this.
My recommendation is to have a look at the routine and switch potentially things up. With both of ours it used to be bath, stories then bed. But after a while this didn’t work and they’d not go to sleep. So we changed it to bath, downstairs for supper, stories then bed. And they were happier with this. I’m not saying this is the routine you should be following but suggesting you try a different routine.
Also if they’re not settling for a nap do they need it? Have you tried keeping them up and seeing the impact on bedtime?
Mine were in cot beds rather than cots at this age - that might be worth considering.
Apart from the v early stages we’ve never cuddled to sleep but also we’ve not CIO. In a cot we cuddled them and put them down and said night night. Then if they cry we go it and cuddle and out back down. Subsequent times we don’t engage but out back down. But we go in when they cry.
Now they can get out of bed so it’s the same but putting them back in bed.
I bet I get shot down for this approach but it worked for us and the kids happily go off to bed, have their stories and either go to sleep or chatter and sing to themselves. They’re not anxious or upset or sad. We have lots of cuddles before bed I love yous. And we have time to ourselves.
Of course this could just be our children or it could be our approach.

I also have a close friend who left her child to cry it out and he’s the most confident child I’ve ever met, so who knows. All I know is it feels like I’ve let my daughter down hugely.

What worries me is that she is exhibiting what I would call anxious behaviour at times.

She’s 22 months old. That’s YOUR anxiety.
My son is 12, I wish I could go back and do it all differently, you will find a million things to feel guilty about, you will wish you did everything different. That’s part of parenting.

You need better support from your husband.
Need to stop putting your anxiety on your daughter.
You need to forgive yourself and decide tomorrow is a new day.

@Idontlikeworms

Shes sleeping from 9-8. So you could have 3 hrs to yourself and 8 hrs sleep from 12-8?? That's seems really good with a toddler.

Yeah, this. That’s what I get with my 2 year old. The time scale is slightly different - she sleeps from about 8pm-7am but we get a couple of hours to ourselves in the evening and then sleep 11-7ish. It can take anywhere from 5 mins to an hour to get her to sleep but I start at 7pm and cuddle, read, sing, whatever until she drops off. I wouldn’t leave her to cry longer than 5 mins, it’s not for me and I’d find it much more stressful than sitting in her room for a while.

I don’t know what I’ve been thinking, other than being a selfish cow.
What a shit mother I am.
It’s probably too late for my DD - I’ve already made her anxious and created life long issues.

If you really believe this OP, it's time for a trip to the GP. Seriously. My GP was really helpful re my uncertainty on how to deal with my DD's sleep as a baby.

If you don't really believe it then stop saying stuff like this. It's not going to gain anything whatsoever.

@INeedNewShoes of course I believe it, why else would I say it? I’ve already been to the GP and been referred to counselling. It hasn’t helped so far. GP would have no interest whatsoever in discussing how best to get my baby to sleep though.

Could she actually be overtired? Everyone also seem so keen for babies to drop naps etc but she's not even 2 yet and we've always found sleep breeds sleep here. Have you tried settling her earlier? Say 11am? My eldest DS has a sweet spot of being tired enough to sleep and not too overtired to be wired, it's a constantly changing cycle so we don't always get it right.
You sound like you're being very hard on yourself OP. I fully need some downtime each day too as toddlers can be exhausting mentally and physically but could you potentially try staying with her or shushing her for a couple of days to see if that would work?

She’s 22 months old. That’s YOUR anxiety.

@Chichimcgee How do you know? Ive read elsewhere that it can’t possibly be anxiety at this young age, but I do think my child genuinely exhibits anxious traits.

OP, is the room pitch black or does she have a nightlight?

but could you potentially try staying with her or shushing her for a couple of days to see if that would work?

@bumbledeedum I think I need to.

Both of mine had completely dropped naps by 2. Neither have been brilliant sleepers and once bedtime started to take ages and they were up until 9pm I dropped the nap and did a really early bedtime for a while. Mine just don't need or want the amount of sleep the books say they need. Apparently neither did I (or so my DM tells me!)

Not many people really want to spend hours cuddling to sleep but, kindly what you're doing isn't working for either of you, everyone is upset and no-one is winning.

I co-sleep my youngest, not because I particularly enjoy it but it's how we all get the most sleep! I do bedtime in my bed and then leave him once he's asleep. Then I get to come downstairs and have an evening. DS1 is 6 and still likes someone with him to fall asleep, it's just his nature. Both of mine are super affectionate and they have both always needed a lot of physical reassurance.

Everything passes in the end, sometimes it's harder if you fight it. This isn't how you would choose things to be but it is what it is, do what works for you both, it will get better.

@Vicky1989x for naps it’s quite bright (she has curtains but they let light through). When she naps in the buggy it’s also bright obviously. At night it’s dark but not pitch black - landing light is on.

My son has a diagnosis of severe anxiety, I truly understand how debilitating it can be and I’m not trying to minimise your concerns.

However children do pick up on how you feel, your posts here show that your anxiety is not under control. A baby/toddler being clingy, wanting mum near, not self soothing is perfectly normal and not a sign of anxiety.

Hi Op, I've only read your posts so forgive me if I'm repeating.

Firstly, stop with the anxiousness, that's doing you know good at all, and baby is fine.

Do you have rigid times for naps? What do you do in the morning for instance? Could you go out for the morning, have lunch out (coffee for you, finger food for DD) maybe a run around in park? It can be fun in the rain - especially when it knackers them out!

I'm just thinking that maybe she isn't tired. Some kids aren't , she's nearly 2 - at that age some kids don't need a nap, certainly not 2.

I used to stretch mine out unless she'd zonk out wherever. Dinner at 12, tea at 4, bath and bed by 6.30 at that age.

@Chichimcgee Its not just that though - it’s other things, like freaking out if she can’t find her favourite toy for example. I work SO hard at not showing signs of anxiety in front of her. And I know people say they can still pick it up but I honestly don’t see how?! Can I ask when you first noticed signs of anxiety in your son? Because people say it’s not possible for a child my daughters age to be anxious, but I’m not sure that’s true.

[quote tiredandfedup3333]@Vicky1989x for naps it’s quite bright (she has curtains but they let light through). When she naps in the buggy it’s also bright obviously. At night it’s dark but not pitch black - landing light is on.[/quote]
My friends DS (same age) recently started doing this so she bought him a nightlight (an animal themed one) and it solved the problem even though his room was bright for naps, he kept saying ‘scared’ and crying. Try a nightlight.

There is a Facebook group card asleep at last - your sleep problems solved. It's run by a sleep consultant who does respond to posts with free advice (obviously if you want a detailed plan you have to pay) but she might give you some basic tips