Cannot take this anymore!!!

[tiredandfedup3333]

My 22 month old cries and cries when put down for a nap in her cot and when put in her cot at bedtime. She will cry for anything from 5 mins to half an hour when I leave the room. Clearly even the cry it out method has no affect on her as if I leave her for 30 mins she will do it again a day or two later and then again and again! Mentally I’m really struggling to hear her crying and crying every single time she’s put down to sleep. But equally I desperately need a bit of down time. I feel like a shit mum. Where am I going wrong?!

Her routine is something like this:

8am - wake
1pm - nap (cries then falls asleep at 1.30-1.45pm)
3pm - wake
8pm - bed (cries and actually falls asleep around 8.45pm).

Help!

If you were crying out alone in a room stressed and upset, how long would you want to wait until a loved one came to your attention? Even a minute when you’re distressed seems like for ever. You are teaching your tiny child that she is to be ignored if she’s alone and scared. Just give up some of your precious time to comfort her, they are small children for such a short period of time.

So I took the advice on this thread and yesterday and today, sat in a chair in her room whilst she fell asleep for naps and bedtime. There was no crying but it did take around an hour each time - I think my presence in the room meant she was less inclined to sleep. I do feel a lot less guilty tho. I’m just worried she will lose her ability to self settle now unless I’m in the room every single time.

Interested in how much family load your partner is carrying in the week..?

There was no crying but it did take around an hour each time - I think my presence in the room meant she was less inclined to sleep. I do feel a lot less guilty tho. I’m just worried she will lose her ability to self settle now unless I’m in the room every single time.

She doesn't have the ability to self-settle anyway though, right? She's just been crying herself to sleep at the point of exhaustion?

She is now working on gaining is the ability to self-settle calmly. It won't happen overnight. You may have several weeks of just sitting quietly in the room as she goes off to sleep, which will likely happen more quickly over time.

At some stage, you can try quietly leaving the room when she's super-drowsy, then coming back in after a few moments while she is still calm. Do the same the next day for just a few moments longer. Extend over time. Over time she will learn that Mum leaving briefly is fine because she always comes back or is really nearby. Eventually you will be able to leave and she will just drift off to sleep anyway because she has no anxiety about you not being right there.

She doesn't have the ability to self-settle anyway though, right? She's just been crying herself to sleep at the point of exhaustion?

Exactly this. She wasn’t self settling, self settling doesn’t involve crying for 30 mins. She’s prime age for a bout of separation anxiety, you need to help her get through it by being a secure base for her, not just leaving her to cry.

With DD1 she went through a stage of waking for me in the night. I had always lay down next to her cot and shushed her for nighttime sleep and naps (the key to getting to nap quickly I learnt was a filling lunch just before and a blackout blind), she’d be asleep in 20 minutes. I just began doing the same when she woke up in the night. It lasted a couple of months but she suddenly stopped again.

DD2 is 22 months and I lie down with her for bedtime every night and cuddle her to sleep as that’s what she needs (DD1 used to to kick me out of bed and onto the floor for more space ). She still wakes in the night and often end up in my bed.

It is hard when evenings are like this, I currently have DD2 and 3 month old DS both asleep on me, but it’s such a short space of time in their life, and yours.

She doesn't have the ability to self-settle anyway though, right? She's just been crying herself to sleep at the point of exhaustion?

@CheekyHobson I think she does, as sometimes she will just cry for a few minutes before falling asleep?

I think she does, as sometimes she will just cry for a few minutes before falling asleep?

What does 'sometimes' mean? Does it mean once in 10 times? Once a day? Once every couple of weeks? What is more common – that she cries for for a short time then goes to sleep, or that she cries for 10 minutes plus?

@CheekyHobson I’d say that 80-85% of the time she will cry for 2-10 minutes then fall asleep.

That kind of seems to be the opposite of what your original post says.

Leave her for up to 10 minutes. If she is still crying, go in and soothe her in her cot till she's calm, then leave again and repeat until she falls asleep within a few minutes.

I mean this kindly but if over 80 percent of the time she's dropping off within 10 minutes and then you get a nearly 2-hour break while she naps, and she sleeps from 9pm for a full night, what you need is to manage your expectations. That seems like pretty close to a dream baby to me.

@CheekyHobson

That kind of seems to be the opposite of what your original post says.

Leave her for up to 10 minutes. If she is still crying, go in and soothe her in her cot till she's calm, then leave again and repeat until she falls asleep within a few minutes.

I mean this kindly but if over 80 percent of the time she's dropping off within 10 minutes and then you get a nearly 2-hour break while she naps, and she sleeps from 9pm for a full night, what you need is to manage your expectations. That seems like pretty close to a dream baby to me.

Exactly this. Your expectations are way too high, she's a baby.

You sound quite dramatic OP. Suggestions are met with " but i dont want to be in the room with her" or " I dont want to have to cuddle her to sleep", then making dramatic statements about failing her and ruining her mental health.

I dont think its nice to leave a little toddler to cry itself to sleep for 45 mins every time.
Occasionally maybe, but every sleep time? She will be making negative associations with sleep.
Does she settle quicker with the radio on?

@Branleuse - just wanted to congratulate you on your username. I haven't seen or said that since my school french exchange trip some 30 years ago. Oh the memories 🤣

Is she getting plenty of exercise? 22 months should be running rings around you and knackered from it

@sadpapercourtesan

Cry it out is awful. I think it's emotionally harmful, personally. There's no benefit to a small child from learning to shut up because nobody's coming.

I sympathise (one of mine didn't sleep more than an hour at a time before he was 4) and I know how exhausting and mentally shredding it is. I don't think you have a humane option other than cuddling to sleep/walks in the pushchair, though, for the time being. There isn't some magical way to stop them from crying. Is there anyone who could have her for an afternoon every now and again to give you a break?

I agree with this post completely. My eldest (and subsequently my youngest) have both been terrible sleepers. With my eldest I resorted to controlled crying and his sleep was good... for about 6 months. Then it stopped working and I had about 2 years of disturbed and reliant sleeping. It was tough. But then one night he went to bed and was fine. Sleep is completely developmental. Like talking, walking, feeding etc you can't rush or fast track ot. It will come when it's ready. Of course you can support it but you have to find the right way to do that with your child. With my youngest I push him to sleep in his pram in the house and he naps there. If I let him nap after 12ish he will take a good hour or so to be put to sleep he's 21 months old, I know the need for that nap is going because it effects his sleep at bedtime. Ohms this be a consideration for you too? Maybe you need to shorten her nap to help her get off better at bedtime? Loosing that last nap is tough I know but it will happen.

If you feel leaving her to cry is best for you both then that's your parental decision. I personally see the crying as a means of communicating and crying for 2 or so hours a day is extremely tough on everyone

I would recommend trying some different techniques and more so accepting that you need to do something different.
I'm a single parent I know so much how important it is for time to myself, but you need to make sure what you're doing is actually helping that and not making it worse.

It’s very hard to give advice on this when you seem to contradict yourself with every post.

if over 80 percent of the time she's dropping off within 10 minutes and then you get a nearly 2-hour break while she naps, and she sleeps from 9pm for a full night, what you need is to manage your expectations.

I agree with this.

So we now have a new habit where I’m sitting in with her for every nap and bedtime until she falls asleep. It feels like a retrograde step TBH but at least there are no tears.

Leave her for up to 10 minutes. If she is still crying, go in and soothe her in her cot till she's calm

Others have said even leaving her for 10 mins is too much! I’m not sure what’s right.

Do you think your dd is maybe picking up on your own anxiety? If you are anxious/edgy around sleep times she may be feeling it too. Have you tried giving her something with your scent on so she can still smell you and feel like you are with her?

The cry it out didn't work for me. But the going in at intervals was better. Google
jo frost controlled crying. Do it for a few
Days and that should sort it. Then whenever there is a relapse, do it again

Now I have a great sleeper.

I'd start doing gradual retreat technique once she's got the hang of going to sleep with you in the room - we had to do that when DS went into a bed. Took a couple of weeks and he's been fine since.

Others have said even leaving her for 10 mins is too much! I’m not sure what’s right.

There is no objective 'right' because every baby is different. What everyone is suggesting is 'rules of thumb' or guidelines that you can use to work on your baby's sleeping progress, but you have to use some of your own 'gut feel' or judgement as the mother of a baby who is an individual.

If your baby is grizzling for the 10 minutes – a slightly complaining or tired cry that starts and stops and gradually dies down – then 10 minutes is fine.

If your baby sounds genuinely quite distressed or uncomfortable, her cries are consistently strong/loud and/or escalate, then don't wait out the 10 minutes, go and soothe her when you can tell she's distressed.

If your baby is very sensitive and finds it hard to tolerate any period of your absence at all, then you've probably got a pretty tough job on your hands but that is just the luck of the draw of parenting. Your baby can't help being sensitive - that's just who she is - and you can't train it out of her by forcing her to 'harden up' and be more like other babies by crying less (well, you can, but that's going to backfire on you down the line when she develops mental health problems due to having learned not to express how she actually feels).

You seem to not want to take the time to sit quietly in the room with your baby while she goes to sleep because that's tiring for you, but you also seem to not want to have to listen to her cry if you're not in the room because that's stressful for you. But you have to pick one.

You can't make the baby you have into a different baby. Some babies cry more than others. That's hard if you're the mum, especially if your partner is unsupportive. But trying to force your baby to be a different type of baby because you don't like any of the options in front of you is a fool's errand.

Thanks, appreciate the advice. I’ve actually started to quite enjoy the quiet time twice a day of sitting in her room whilst she falls asleep! And I no longer have guilt about her crying either, which has helped my own mindset.