Cannot take this anymore!!!

[tiredandfedup3333]

My 22 month old cries and cries when put down for a nap in her cot and when put in her cot at bedtime. She will cry for anything from 5 mins to half an hour when I leave the room. Clearly even the cry it out method has no affect on her as if I leave her for 30 mins she will do it again a day or two later and then again and again! Mentally I’m really struggling to hear her crying and crying every single time she’s put down to sleep. But equally I desperately need a bit of down time. I feel like a shit mum. Where am I going wrong?!

Her routine is something like this:

8am - wake
1pm - nap (cries then falls asleep at 1.30-1.45pm)
3pm - wake
8pm - bed (cries and actually falls asleep around 8.45pm).

Help!

@Vicky1989x thanks, her language isn’t that advanced so she wouldn’t say scared, but its worth a go.

8pm feels late to me. At that age they need a lot of sleep and 1.5-2 hours of napping in the day isn't unusual. An over tired child is weirdly much harder to settle. Bathtime, couple of stories and into a cot. Sometimes a nightlight that has a moving image or lights is reassuring. Bit of ceiling interest!

You haven't damaged her, she is fine. 2 yo is prime separation anxiety stage. At the same age we did a lot of boring her to sleep. The gruffalo story on loop in the near dark, I could probably still recite it and DD1 is 11.

Does she go down for your husband better? That's not unusual either.

If crying it out isn't working, try something different but she will be fine if not left u til she is completely hysterical. Especially if she can still hear you pottering about.

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams thanks, can I ask what sort of routine you’d suggest? Like how long her wake windows should be?

She never goes hysterical - more just crying. Still wrong though I know.

She will also cry, then stop and babble to herself for a bit, then cry again, repeat.

freaking out if she can’t find her favourite toy for example
is also normal for toddlers and children. Do you have a health visitor? When she starts preschool or nursery if there’s any concerns at all they will be picked up on and you can tell them your concerns as well.

Ds is autistic with pda and spd as well so it’s difficult to say when his anxiety was noticeable, there were asd red flags from 6 months old. Pre-school at 2.5 years got the ball rolling with diagnosis’s.

My three weren't great sleepers and it is tiring. I could never leave them to cry as to me, it was a sign that they were scared/unhappy and I didn't want them to get the message that if they cried, I didn't come. I wanted them to know I was there for them no matter what. This comes from my own childhood of feeling unloved etc etc.

What's happened has happened so put it to the side. What's important from now on is what you do from here.

Mine did not need much sleep and putting them to bed at 8 would have been useless because they just weren't tired enough to sleep so often they went to bed when I went to bed, 10.30/11ish some nights.

They also weren't big on afternoon naps, it was never really a thing, they maybe dozed in the car or occasionally on a walk or in the pram but after a couple of months old, I honestly can't remember them ever going to bed during the day for a nap.

There's no right and wrong is what I'm saying I suppose.

Children like adults need varying amounts of sleep.

Just because people talk of afternoon naps and bed by 6 or 7pm doesn't mean that's right for everyone.

Try to really pay attention to when she naturally becomes tired and work your wind down, bath, story, snack, toothbrush routine around that.

Maybe a new "magic" bed cover or teddy to mark the start of the new routine.

Explain to her what's going to be happening and how exciting it's going to be because she's going to learn to go to sleep without a fuss.

Stay with her silently until she drops off. Ignore any behaviour that you don't want, don't get drawn into rows or conversations and she'll soon get the message. It's not easy but it'll work.

For routine, my DD is 21 months but maybe it’ll help. We have 2 different routines because I work so my days off are:-

7-7:30: wake
12:30-2: nap
7-7:30: bedtime (doesn’t go to sleep until close to 8)

Work days:-

6: wake
10-12: nap
7: bedtime (asleep within 15 mins)

She settles much better for bedtime on my work day; generally she needs a wake window of 6+ hours for bedtime to be easy.

If she's 22 months and it's getting to 9pm for her to sleep, it sounds to me like she's getting towards dropping a nap. We cut down and cut down at around 2 so she just had 20 mins then she dropped it altogether at about 28 months

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams

8pm feels late to me. At that age they need a lot of sleep and 1.5-2 hours of napping in the day isn't unusual. An over tired child is weirdly much harder to settle. Bathtime, couple of stories and into a cot. Sometimes a nightlight that has a moving image or lights is reassuring. Bit of ceiling interest!

You haven't damaged her, she is fine. 2 yo is prime separation anxiety stage. At the same age we did a lot of boring her to sleep. The gruffalo story on loop in the near dark, I could probably still recite it and DD1 is 11.

Does she go down for your husband better? That's not unusual either.

If crying it out isn't working, try something different but she will be fine if not left u til she is completely hysterical. Especially if she can still hear you pottering about.

Just to say this isn't always true, I tried everything with my first to keep a nap going past 2 but he just wasn't having it! The majority of 2 year olds do need a lot of sleep but there are a minority who just don't.

At 22 months old I wouldn't be using the cry it out method
I also think you've got unrealistic expectations expecting quiet time yourself and getting overly anxious and by the sound of it annoyed with a toddler. Maybe she's grown out of her nap, if it's such a struggle to get her to sleep why are you putting yourselves both through it? Have you tried quiet time or laying with you on the sofa and explaining it's relax time whilst you cuddle her.
Personally cry out as a toddler is damaging, if you'd done a solid routine and perhaps introduced it at a much younger age then fair enough but I think this could be Hampering your relationship. You want her to go to sleep but you don't want to do anything to help her get there, pram or cuddles - very unrealistic ideals as a parent not very fair on toddler in my opinion.

Has she always done the screaming? My nephew did this and eventually they worked out he had CMPA. Once that was sorted the crying stopped.

Make sure she is tired and also not over tired. My small ones started giving up their naps - if not entirely giving them up certainly reducing the time. So if shes not awake from a nap until 3pm she may not be tired again at bedtime hence crying.

Maybe bring the nap forward and make it a bit shorter - or lots of running about in the park etc in the afternoons.

My daughter (18 months) wakes and goes to bed at the same time as yours but her nap is 12-2, could you try that?

Also she has a teddy, her blanket, a drink and a book to flick through and I have a projector light on so it’s not dark because if it’s too dark she gets frightened.

Sometimes I leave her and she’s fine. Other times I leave her and she’s fine for a bit then cries. Sometimes she cries for a while but it’s a grumpy “oi why have you left me I want to play” cry than a hysterical “I’m terrified and think you’re never coming back” cry.

Having the book is a good distraction and after a bit she looks through it, cuddles her teddy and falls asleep. We speak to her through the monitor if she’s struggling and say the same phrase each time “it’s time for sleep. Lie down. Love you”. Sometimes she waves at the camera because that’s where our voices come from.

We only go back up to her if she’s hysterical or if she’s standing up. Cuddles and reassurance then back to bed.

You have NOT damaged her. You are NOT selfish. She is safe. You need a break. I also didn’t want to have to walk her in the buggy every day. I don’t think the sleep quality is as good in a buggy. Definitely not for my little girl, anyway.

if it's such a struggle to get her to sleep why are you putting yourselves both through it? Have you tried quiet time or laying with you on the sofa and explaining it's relax time whilst you cuddle her.

Because I know she needs the nap. She wouldn’t fall asleep at all if she didn’t? If I tried explaining its relax/quiet time she wouldn’t have a clue what I meant. I don’t think most 22 month olds would! She’d just get up and walk off.

OP, this is a really controversial topic but please ignore all the comments about how you are going to harm your child - you aren’t.

Those posters who are telling somebody who has come for help and is clearly struggling that should be ashamed of themselves.

I’d recommend the Huckleberry app, that helped to fix our daughters sleeping pattern. I also used the free trial to get a personalised sleep plan and then cancelled. We went from crying at every sleep time when I patted her back to falling asleep.

My daughter does have a rabbit, blanket and dummy though which she can’t sleep without. Long term we can take the dummy away but short term she is better rested and happier.

Because I know she needs the nap. She wouldn’t fall asleep at all if she didn’t?

She might be falling asleep due to boredom or wearing herself out crying. If you drop the nap and make bedtime earlier she’ll likely fall asleep faster because she’s genuinely tired.

@elbea thanks, I’ve not heard of huckleberry, I’ll have a look

I've nearly two year old twins.
One of them - I put them in the cot, have a cuddle, then they lie down with their teddy and book and fall asleep.
The other twin needs a lot more reassurance. We have a cuddle, and then I say to her that if she lies down quietly with her teddy and book, that I'll come back in 5 minutes. She holds two fingers up, to negotiate down to two mins, so I say "yes, I'll be back in 2 mins". Then I leave, and 9 times out of 10, she'll fall asleep.
On the times she doesn't, I go back in, and say the same thing about coming back in 5 mins. I might have to repeat that twice, and then she'll grumble to herself and cry a bit. If she's "crying down", ie cries reducing in volume, I just leave her to fall asleep. It is so stressful, and I 100% get the wanting time to yourself.

Sometimes she is visibly tired at nap time - eyes dropping etc - and then when I take her up to her cot she still won’t sleep! Other times she seems wide awake then falls asleep in a few minutes. I’m ashamed to say I can’t read her at all.

When they are dropping a nap there is a really shit transition period where they could really do with a short nap but if they have it they are up until 10pm. If they don't have it they are hideous from about 3pm until bedtime because they are tired. It's normal for that to happen in my experience.

I would be reducing her nap right down and if she hasn't fallen asleep by 1.1.30 then abandon it for that day and go for an early bedtime instead. I did 4.30/5pm tea, 6pm bath and straight to bed on non nap days. Normally fell asleep as I read stories.

You might have a period where she naps every other day or two or three times a week depending on what you're up to. That's also pretty normal.

As others have said, i think you might need to move around your routine a bit, definitely cut the nap. DS is 21 months and if he has more than an hour and later than half 1 then bed time is a struggle.

What I also find works if DS is messing around at bed time is if I put him down in his bed and tell him 'mummy's leaving the room till you're ready to sleep', he'll get a little upset and I'll go in 30 second later, ask if he wants a cuddle then put him down and most of the time that's enough to get him to settle.

Do you have a pre bed routine? Toddlers love repetitiveness. We had a different routine tonight (out later than usual) and DS was very confused and concerned that we didn't do everything the right way.

Just a thought (no evidence at all) but maybe you do need to spend a few days cuddling then reset everything. Maybe she's associating the cot with all this emotion and behaviour? Make her see the cot as a peaceful place, you could play some games, make her laugh, put her soft toys or animals to bed in it.

This isn't your fault and you have done your daughter no harm, honestly. If you were able to relax a bit more, it would help a bit. However, little ones do go through phases and in a while she may be quite different.

As your husband is quite hands on at weekends, take some time for yourself then and do talk to him about this, see what he says. He knows both of you and may have helpful suggestions.

Take care of yourself, tiredandfedup.

@tiredandfedup3333 You record all sleep patterns for a couple of days, how long it took to get sleep etc… At the end it will suggest a sleeping pattern to you. That bit is free, if you get the trial you’ll get a personalised plan with suggestions on how to tackle specific problems like falling asleep.

We play a game with her soft toys before I leave the room and she seems very happy. But as soon as I leave she starts crying!