Cannot take this anymore!!!

[tiredandfedup3333]

My 22 month old cries and cries when put down for a nap in her cot and when put in her cot at bedtime. She will cry for anything from 5 mins to half an hour when I leave the room. Clearly even the cry it out method has no affect on her as if I leave her for 30 mins she will do it again a day or two later and then again and again! Mentally I’m really struggling to hear her crying and crying every single time she’s put down to sleep. But equally I desperately need a bit of down time. I feel like a shit mum. Where am I going wrong?!

Her routine is something like this:

8am - wake
1pm - nap (cries then falls asleep at 1.30-1.45pm)
3pm - wake
8pm - bed (cries and actually falls asleep around 8.45pm).

Help!

Actually I might have gone a little young in my advice, it's all a blur, but I think my point still stands.

I used to pop ds in his cot and run a bubble bath and have a g&t. He new I was upstairs with him

DD knows I’m around - we live in a small flat so it’s not like we ever sound far away, and she can hear me tidying up or whatever.

I think she is getting about the right amount of hours of sleep for her age?

I think try putting her to bed a bit earlier.

I know my anxiety is an issue - I’m having counselling via the NHS but it doesn’t seem to be helping much. I feel so guilty that I’ve let her down.

11-14 hours is what she needs but they’re all different and some won’t sleep for half that and others will happily sleep longer.

@MrsTophamHat

I think the bedtime seems late to be honest - is she overtired?

Both of my children are in bed by 7 sometimes 6.30pm, they're 4 and almost 2.

My daughter sometimes does take a while to fall asleep. I really avoid going in unless she is actually crying, not grizzling.

Mine slept midnight till noon. I suspect I’d have had quite a lot of crying to deal with if I tried to force her to bed before she was tired. Maybe OP’s child is like mine.

How can she trust me when I’ve been leaving her to cry? Of course it’s going to cause her massive anxiety. I don’t know what I’ve been thinking, other than being a selfish cow.

@Perfect28

OP in all honesty it sounds like you have some serious anxiety issues. Cry it out, scientifically, is not harmful and it usually 'works'. Ignore those who suggest long term harm. However I absolutely cannot do it personally even though I'm exhausted. I currently only get an hour or two between feeds at 11 months in the night and a full time job. It sounds like you get a relatively long time to yourself at the moment. It's all relative right? I'm going to reask one original question, what is your support network? Is her father around? Do you get any time to yourself outside of the home? Can you pay for some formal childcare?

Scientifically it is actually harmful

Everyone has opinions on sleep training. But regardless of how people feel about it, it does result in babies and children falling asleep independently. They will probably cry during the process. But as you say, it should lessen (at the very least) or stop altogether. As you have been consistent in your chosen sleep training method, I think you have a schedule issue. 2x 5h wake windows isn't a very large schedule of awake time for a 22m old. I think adding 15m in the morning and afternoon could help your situation.

Shes sleeping from 9-8. So you could have 3 hrs to yourself and 8 hrs sleep from 12-8?? That's seems really good with a toddler.

Hi Op. sounds really tough. It does sound like cry it out is not working for your daughter. My daughter is four, but I have found out the best routine is cuddling her to sleep (still do it at bedtime now).

What I have found works really well, is to have some music on when I am cuddling her to sleep, she also has a doll that she likes to cuddle when she’s going to sleep, I play the same music every night and I leave the music on once she’s asleep so there’s some background noise. She now goes to sleep within 10 minutes of the music coming on. Before the music we have a story and a chat. I do think if you could introduce some sleep cues like this, it could really help - it might take ages for the first few weeks, eventually if you persist with it, she will start to associate sleep with the music, you cuddling her and it being a very peaceful time and things may improve.

It sounds like you need a bit of a reset and I would definitely leave crying out but don’t feel guilty about it. Parenting is after all trial and error most of the time and what works for some children doesn’t work for others.

You might not want to be in there with her, but she’s telling you she needs you. What about sitting by her bed and singing/stroking until she goes off? That’s what lots and lots of people do. If she knows you’re not going anywhere she’ll eventually get tired and lie down.

If you stay with her she may fall asleep quicker. My 18 month old falls asleep in bed with me. I play on my phone and then move her when she’s asleep. If she’s got herself worked up it will probably take longer for her to fall asleep.
When your child is a bit older you’ll probably be able to bribe her to stay in bed on her own and fall asleep without you. She’s at a tricky age knows you gone and are not with her but doesn’t understand you’re coming back.

I was left to cry it out when I was a child and tbh I don't recommend it as I have real attachment issues now and when I cry It is out of control it is like a child's cry. It is horrible. I'm 28.

@Hugasauras

DD hated a cot and the bars. She much preferred sleeping in a proper bed, and being able to have one of us sitting beside her within touching reach. When she was in a cot, it took far longer to get her to settle and she did cry. Maybe she'd do better in a bed.

Mine was in a full size single bed at 17 months because she could catapault out of her cot. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Made it much easier to get her to sleep (but I was usually asleep next to her first!)

Thanks for the advice. I will digest it all and consider how best to change our routine. In the meantime though I just feel sick with guilt, like I’ve damaged her mentally. What a shit mother I am.

You need to stop beating yourself up.

Your husband needs to help support you emotionally and with your anxiety.

Drop the nap, start bedtime routine at 6.30 - bubble bath, milk, story, dummy/Teddy/blanky and cuddles.
At 7pm leave her with a night light on and an audiobook.
If she cries, go and shush, repeat ‘night night’ and leave.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I'd try not putting her down for a nap during the day and aim for an earlier bedtime.

I think her bedtime is far too late so she is over tired. My dd used to cry like that at bedtime until I actually increased naps and made bedtime nice and early. Also I found that sticking to the same routine (bath, pyjamas, story, cuddle etc) every evening where possible helped.

@Canaloha

I'd try not putting her down for a nap during the day and aim for an earlier bedtime.

Maybe the OP doesn’t want to be up at 5am or 6am though.

@coconuthead

I think her bedtime is far too late so she is over tired. My dd used to cry like that at bedtime until I actually increased naps and made bedtime nice and early. Also I found that sticking to the same routine (bath, pyjamas, story, cuddle etc) every evening where possible helped.

Baths wake some children up. Not all babies are ready to sleep at 7pm.

Hang on, this child is nearly 2, not a baby. I wouldn’t call it controlled crying when they are a toddler. OP, I used to spend ages trying to coax my daughter to sleep, taking ages to explain mummy has to go now, stroking her, etc etc…. every time I left the room she would just start to cry again. So when it got too much I would come downstairs, close the kitchen door and put earplugs in so i couldn’t hear her. Sometimes it just needs to be done so that she can go to sleep and you can have a rest!! Don’t feel bad.

Does she gave a dummy? I kniw loads of people are anti them, but that's how we got our DD and DS calm and sleeping well. Both of them got rid of dummies themselves too! Lucky eh? Any nether needed braces etc :)

No, she doesn’t have a dummy but it seems a bit late to introduce one at this age?!

@BakedBeeeen I have had the same issue on many occasions!