How to break the news to my son

[NightfeedsandNetflix]

We were due to move to Oxford in July, having just done two years abroad away from all family and friends in a country very different to home in every sense. My son found himself the dream college course he wants to do, he applied and has been accepted. Husband then tells me this posting has fallen through and we are now scheduled to go to Kinloss in Scotland. I am dreading telling my son. I really don't know how to break it to him. It's eating me up knowing he is so excited to go, yet I'm scared to put him on a downer pre GCSE exams.

What would you do or say?

@Valhalla17

Move to Oxford and DH stays up there and commutes for the weekend? I would be putting what's best for ds first to be honest.

Yeah this.

The obsession with this course and his future employment prospects

He’s 16
He’s found a course he’s passionate about
He’s no doubt spent most of his low moving around for his father
This time? As his Mother, I’d prioritise him

I'm going to go against the grain here and say, if your dh really can't get out of the posting or swap to somewhere better, then I would sit your ds down as soon as you can and offer him some options.
Big up the benefits of Kinloss (it sounds as though there are some positives if he's sporty and outdoorsy) and check out the offerings at the local college.
But also discuss with him the options of boarding somewhere and doing a course he'd prefer. You're not limited to one college - lots of areas offer football courses (ds has a friend doing one and they offer loads of business and management skills as well as playing football) so you might be able to find one elsewhere in Scotland or nearer the borders (Newcastle?) where coming to see you is much easier and he might be able to be the one commuting at weekends but able to stay where he is if he has things going on with friends etc.
I think if you present him with options he can have time to consider what he really wants.
After GCSEs there would be next to no time - plus it stops the rest of you planning and thinking about the future yourselves.
16-17 year olds definitely do board with local families for college etc so I'm sure you'd be able to find something if that's what he'd like to do.
All the very best - it's a difficult situation for all of you.

Definitely prioritise your son's education here. I was a forces child who moved around every two years abroad and UK and honestly it has a huge impact on your whole life. Put yourself in ds' shoes, his entire life has been all about his dad's job and now he has been dangled a carrot to better his future and it's going to be snatched away. There isn't much in kinloss.

@EduCated

Is it a course that is offered anywhere with a residential option?

Scottish education has to cater for for kids in very rural places and on the islands. Therefore, I would have thought that there would be weekly boarding options in that part of Scotland (it's not that far from Inverness and I think there is a train line - have you looked in Inverness?) and the Highlands and Islands university has colleges all over, which also offer further education in many cases.

OP. This is what I would do:

1. Spend the next day or 2 researching possible options (courses up there, viability of DH commuting, other courses where he could board (NB the place I linked to up thread is a state college, not private)
2. Sit your DS down and tell him about the change of posting. Tell him calmly and that you're sure something suitable can be sorted.
3. Give him you list of possible options (including being clear on non-options if you have ruled them out), let him mull them over
4. On another day ask him which ones he wants to investigate further and then get on with it very fast,(maybe in the first instance by you emailing places explaining the situation?, especially for any he has missed the official deadline for)

Sparsholt college in Hampshire runs a football academy and also has boarding houses www.sparsholt.ac.uk/sparsholt-football-academy/

I didn't know you could do football there - but know people who go there - one of the lads who lives about five doors down from us is currently attending! Definitely worth a look OP but boarding is quite expensive.

@TeenPlusCat

OP. This is what I would do: 1) Spend the next day or 2 researching possible options (courses up there, viability of DH commuting, other courses where he could board (NB the place I linked to up thread is a state college, not private) 2) Sit your DS down and tell him about the change of posting. Tell him calmly and that you're sure something suitable can be sorted. 3) Give him you list of possible options (including being clear on non-options if you have ruled them out), let him mull them over 4) On another day ask him which ones he wants to investigate further and then get on with it very fast,(maybe in the first instance by you emailing places explaining the situation?, especially for any he has missed the official deadline for)

This is good advice except I would call them, not email.

I would also ask DH if he could ask if there is any possibility of another posting elsewhere in the U.K.

I live not far from kinloss, in the winter the roads are awful you would struggle getting to the airport easily and it’s a good 3.5 hours away, you have Aberdeen collage which he could possibly board at? You also have gordonstoun private school which may be able to get into also ?, I would look into the portions that you have then sit him down and discuss it, ssaffa could also help? They might have some properties nearby that he could board at? There are options lovey and it will work out in the end, if you need any help you can pm me xxx

@iRun2eatCake

I agree with everyone else. DS needs to come first.

You've all trailed after DH for his career which sounds established... your DS career/education now needs to take priority to give him the best furture possible

This

I don’t understand why you would consider this a viable plan

Why have children if you aren’t willing to put the first when it matters?

Ok a few things.

If someone posted to say ‘my child has decided they have their heart set on a performing arts course in London but our London move has fallen through and we are moving to West Wales, should we actually split the family up and move to London so they can pursue their dream’ everyone would say they were nuts, why are you letting a child dictate the family move etc.

With postings it’s not as easy as just asking for another place. It depends on the trade- my husband was given the option of two places for his next job because that’s the only places with openings for his trade at his level. Loads of bases don’t even have the thing he does.

There will be options that DS will get excited about and that will suit him.

@TeenPlusCat has the right idea.
And he might be happier with sone of the options so don’t be too apprehensive.
Just make it clear that finding an appropriate course that he is happy with is your priority and show him that you are prepared to put the work in.

I think the DS staying away for his course is much more viable than asking the DH to commute to Kinloss.

Absolutely amazed at the amount of people here who think OP should split up the family so that DS can do this college course?!

It's not even like they live in Oxford now and they're moving away, Oxford is a completely new place where he's just seen a course he likes the look of. I am sure most people here would not split their family up so their teenager could go to a certain sixth form!

OP
I support families moving countires etc.

With kids between 14 and 18 you really need to put their education first.
It is a big deal to move countries anyway, move away from friends etc. So you need to do everything to smooth the path in terms of education.

The biggest issue I see form your situation is not that he doesn't get this particular course, but rather that he cannot access suitable ongoing education, because the 2 systems are different.

He needs to be where there is an English education system he can follow. Could that mean staying where you are for 2 years?
Could it mean boarding?
Could it mean you going bakc to your house in Yorkshire and dh commuting?

I think the reality is that Kinloss if going to be a very tough move for ds and one that is going to have repercussions for along time.

There are times when we have to put the kids first. This is one of them.

Also where is this extra money coming from to pay tor boarding school? Or does the raf pay for it?

@Glitterygreen

Absolutely amazed at the amount of people here who think OP should split up the family so that DS can do this college course?!

It's not even like they live in Oxford now and they're moving away, Oxford is a completely new place where he's just seen a course he likes the look of. I am sure most people here would not split their family up so their teenager could go to a certain sixth form!

This with bells on. MN is absolutely batshit sometimes. It’s sixth form not an offer for Oxbridge!

You’re RAF so you will be able to have boarding fees covered to a very significant percentage. Definitely look into a residential option for him. I’m guessing it’s music related, happy to offer advice if it is.

Children who go to boarding schools with parents in different countries, have to have a guardian here. Might be worth searching to see if that's an option in your circumstances. That way he'd have a home he can go back to every night where he's treated and included as one of the family.

Not sure if you'd qualify in your situation, but someone working in the military might qualify for 90% towards boarding fees.

You're doing the right thing checking out where you stand. Ultimately he may decide he wants to be with the family, but at least there may be an option. My DD was determined to go to boarding school for sixth form - we couldn't afford it so she went out and got herself a scholarship and we applied for a bursary. She ended up in Oxford and really enjoyed it there. It's a lovely city. It won't be easy to let him go, but once you start getting messages and hopefully photos (although this last point may be more of a girl thing), you'll feel like you're in touch with him and not missing out too much.

Definitely agree with researching alternatives first. It's hard to believe that there wouldn't be a similar course between Kinloss and Oxford.

I would also tell him before exams. Exams end in late June and it would be cruel to say that the move wasn't going to happen in July. I would have thought that it was be best to get a late application to courses sooner rather than later. Plus there's the lying aspect. Your son will be furious if he was lied to for so many months

I think that the person who said football isn't worth it is talking rubbish. He's unlikely to end up at the World Cup but he should study what he enjoys. Millions of people end up in jobs unrelated to their degree or college course but have successful lives and careers.

OP doesn't need to move to Oxford, she can look at similar courses in Scotland so her husband has less distance to travel if she wants. I just dont think she should shrug her shoulders and take a 16 year old to a really rural area with limited opertunities at a key time, because her husband prefers it. Especially as in 2 years time he could be moved somewhere else!

I think it is also worth asking if there are any other families with kids of that age at Kinloss and where do their kids go to school?

Oh also you can’t just ‘leave’. It has huge pension implications and you have to give a years notice.

You have to tell him but look at other options.
While he likes the look of football coaching, realistically what will he do with it. Practically every former footballer does their coaching badges. How will he compete when it comes to a job?
If he wants an outdoorsy life Moray is amazing. Fantastic beaches. Stand up paddle boarding is taking off in a big way. Would something like that appeal? Or rope access. Good for outdoor pursuits but also very much in demand off shore, in renewables (massive up here just now) or tree surgery - also in very high demand.
You need a proper chat about what he wants from life, the kind of place he wants to live, if he wants to travel.
A lot of learning is hybrid just now and Inverness and Aberdeen are doable a couple of times a week

OP he will be 16. Look at boarding options, families who take boarders. Get ds in on the research. He may find equally good football academy in the north of England or scotland meaning he could come home weekends.