How to break the news to my son

[NightfeedsandNetflix]

We were due to move to Oxford in July, having just done two years abroad away from all family and friends in a country very different to home in every sense. My son found himself the dream college course he wants to do, he applied and has been accepted. Husband then tells me this posting has fallen through and we are now scheduled to go to Kinloss in Scotland. I am dreading telling my son. I really don't know how to break it to him. It's eating me up knowing he is so excited to go, yet I'm scared to put him on a downer pre GCSE exams.

What would you do or say?

What does your DS want to study OP? Posting on Scotsnet may not be a bad idea either. There may well be some sort of semi-commutable option from Aberdeen, say.

@Clymene

Is your husband your son's dad?

Biologically no, in every other sense yes.

Kinloss is pretty boondocked and the Scottish education system & qualifications are completely different. It is near Gordonstoun which follows the English curriculum.

Before discussing it with your DS, can your DH speak to his CO about the impact of such a drastic change of posting? Presumably other families with teenagers will be facing a similar dilemma which is further complicated by the fact the Scottish education system isn't aligned with the English one. Finding out at this point in the year doesn't help things as lots of sixth form application deadlines have already passed, including for the military's own Scottish boarding school, QVS. Your DS's continuity of education risks being severely disrupted if he is unable to access a place on an equivalent course due to the timing of the change of posting announcement so perhaps there is some discussion to be had about it needing to be looked at as a compassionate issue; whether the posting itself or what CEAS can do to advocate for your DS.

@MaChienEstUnDick

What does your DS want to study OP? Posting on Scotsnet may not be a bad idea either. There may well be some sort of semi-commutable option from Aberdeen, say.

He was wanting to attend a football academy. Sports courses available in Kinloss have less practical and more theory. That is the major difference. I'll look up Scotsnet thank you!

I think people suggesting you split up the family are completely mad! It's 9 hours away you can hardly commute for the weekend and as for pp suggesting it's not worth living together just so your DH can coo over the baby I'm speechless

First things first speak to your son and try and find a solution depending on what he wants. It's a shit situation but try not to feel bad as it's not your fault!

Does the school have boarding option? Otherwise are their families who take in students? I know there families who take in foreign students so this might be feasible. Check with the college in Oxford

It's a really shit situation - your poor DS. I've no idea what to suggest but surely at this time you need to be prioritising your DSs education?

The Scottish education system is very different from the English one, so you and your son will need to have a think about whether he can adapt to the Scottish system or whether his education needs to be in the English system to give him the best chance of success. Both systems have strengths and weaknesses, so it's not that one's obviously better than the other, they're just very different.

There are some excellent boarding schools in Scotland, including in the North of Scotland, if your son's interested in boarding. There are also private schools which would probably be accessible to him, eg the ones around Inverness (only about 40-45 minutes drive). I don't know much about the local state schools or colleges, but I think there's a reasonable number of options available.

The Inverness area might look on a map like it's the middle of nowhere, but actually Inverness has a lot of good opportunities for education and training, and it's a beautiful part of the country.

Also shocked at pp saying you need to split the family. If you and the baby live far away from the dad, it deprives everyone of the relationship and puts pressure on you being nearly a sole parent. You do need some positives when speaking to your son eg similar courses in Scotland or the possibility of boarding. Could you look at other family members eg could he stay with grandparents and do a similar course?

Thanks for all of the sensible options and advice.

I've posted on scotsnet
I'm researching in more depth at what's available in the area to then present DS with alternatives.
I'll
Look into boarding and possible family who could assist with lodgings.

My brother has just come back from kinloss and it is amazing if your son is sporty. Loads of water sports, hiking, can go skiing a couple of hours away etc. So being able to show him all of that might soften the blow.

You have my sympathies OP. We are at the very beginning of married accompanied life and are planning on doing boarding to avoid this! It’s so hard to balance your needs, children needs and husbands needs and those not in military don’t really get it.

You are messing him about at a crucial time. You need to put him first and go to Oxford.

Check out Loughborough college. My son went residential at 16. The college have a very good set up for Btech residential students.

Only 9 miles between Gordonston and RAF Kinloss. Could go to Gordonston I think as day boy or midweek boarding. Superb facilities and opportunities. Otherwise very good schools in Inverness. Easy by train.

I think your son needs to come first here, especially given your update of a new baby. He will no doubt harbour some resentment if doesnt get to do this course. His education and future needs prioritising, he has already had a lot of upheaval in crucial years.
I would look at boarding options, but don’t be surprised if your news isn’t well received.

don’t be surprised if your news isn’t well received.

I think she knows that, hence her original post!

Oh bless him, military life is crap for families, the best day of my life was when DH left! It's a tricky one, I'd look into ways he can still go to Oxford if he'd be content living on his own in boarding or something. Must be hard for him with a new sibling in the mix as well.

@BeckonCall yet she’s still trying to find ways to make him move to the arse end of nowhere and justify it?

*new baby and its father.

You could, and should return to your home in Yorkshire for two years but then you know that, don’t you? No need to ask strangers on the internet.

As someone who used to live in Scotland and now lives near Oxford, I'd much rather live in Scotland!

But I know it isn't my opinion that counts. I think if you can find a similar course for him nearer your dh's new placement, that might soften the blow. I wouldn't send him to board unless he suggests it tbh. Might look as if you all want rid of him (to a teenager - I know this isn't the case)

You say your own house is in Yorkshire? Time to move home, and DH commutes to Scotland?

I think at this age, you probably need to present your son with a couple of options.
Please please please don't tell him before his current exams. Just hold off.
Get a couple of ideas lined up - living with you / college options etc. And then boarding in Oxford etc. He's old enough to make a choice.
Although I understand not wanting to break the family up, 2 years is a relatively short time. Are you sure you couldn't manage 2 years apart with weekends together? Also presuming DS will get summer / Christmas holidays / half terms etc when you could all be together? Private rent in Oxford?